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How to Find the Yin to Your Partner’s Retirement Yang

December 13, 2013 | by Natalie Caine | No Comments

wall street journal

As one of the Wall Street Journal Experts, Natalie’s blog was published earlier this week;

What’s the biggest source of friction between spouses/partners in later life?

NATALIE CAINE: Not a surprise and yet so frustrating, are conflicts between one wanting to downsize and begin new adventures, and the other not wanting to change a thing. One wants to have a new career and the other thinks it is too late. One wants to go back to school for a new creative interest, the other says, “I don’t think you can make that happen.” One wants sex, the other is too tired or bored in the bedroom. One wants to make a “bucket list,” and the other feels their bucket is already too full. One wants new friends, the other doesn’t get why. One wants… the other has no interest in…. What to do?

How do you make shifts with your spouse/partners? One thing you might be doing is setting goals for the new year and keeping each other accountable. A different way of making choices is to set your feelings. Give your feelings airtime, “feel happier, so I need to be more positive and less critical.”

What you honestly want is to head toward feeling a certain way: more relaxed, happier, excited, spontaneous, flexible, stronger, courageous, loving, being loved, etc.

When you spend time with yourself to discover what feelings truly matter to you, your motivation to make choices rises. If you feel overwhelmed, of course you don’t want to make a choice to do anything different. If you want to feel more relaxed, be less attached, have more realistic expectations, that feeling, relaxed, when attended to, strikes the fire. You open to discussions of new ideas with your partner when you remind yourself what feelings matter in the moment, like being relaxed.

Perception changes when you feel better. Feeling better happens when you check in with your priorities and note how you are living what matters to you now. Checking in happens hour to hour, not once a week. “How are you doing? How are you feeling? What do you need right now?” These are practices, not rocks. No one stays on course 100%. What one learns is how to get back to what matters.

It sounds so simple. It isn’t because of habits and forgetting to daily learn more about who you are and who you aren’t. If you haven’t been one to be verbal and your partner wants more intimate conversations, then choose to be the giver to your partner. Choose to feel proud of yourself. A communication that opens intimacy is asking questions and being present for the answers, “What would be fun for you in the New Year?” Intimacy can go stale in later life. Put on your stilettos and boots. Kick up new fun. Intimacy begins with closeness to thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Loneliness brews when you feel ground down.

Use humor to share with your partner the silly voices in your head that you got from parents, movies, advertising, that you don’t want to believe, “Oh it’s just your age that you are slower in the morning and need more caffeine, that you have digestion issues and need to chew 12 of those tablets, that no one wants to hire you, that you want more sex, but but but…” Humor keeps the windows open. You can practice holding paradoxes, “Well sometimes I am more slow and achy in the morning and now I want to focus on not giving as much attention to those voices of doom and gloom and too keep moving and dreaming. Are you with me?”

Adults get to change their mind. Spouses and partners can agree to disagree and allow trust to thrive. If one partner can’t see the joy of change and the other has been dreaming of it for years, believe in the dream. Believe in your partner. Mistakes will happen. Forgiveness is an option. You can stay together and let your partner take action. Key is not to hold on to the critic voice, “I told you that wasn’t a good idea. You never see the clear picture of life. I do.” Window closed. Love diminished. Joy gone.

Practice saying yes more often than no.

Read it in the Wall Street Journal

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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org