I often hear, as do you, about the lack of support and community people have today. Tears fall from loneliness. You feel invisible. You just want a few friends you can have fun with and trust.
I remember a group of women sharing with me that they feel embarrassed to talk about not having good friends. They no longer connect with the friends they have had. It feels like they are going through a friendship divorce. The biggest complaint I hear is that one feels they are initiating more than the other and then they feel forgotten when the other person doesn’t email or pick up the phone to extend to them.
What to do? Say what you need, “I am awkward at saying this so sorry if it comes out not so clear. What I want is for you to call me sometimes. I feel like I am the one that reaches towards you. I want a friendship where I feel you want to spend time with me. If you don’t, as uncomfortable as it is right now, I can handle your saying what isn’t working or if you want to end it and why.”
You can find your own words for this topic of not getting your needs met and exploring a solution together. It is courageous to say what you need when the outcome might not go your way. It is courageous to be vulnerable about needing someone, isn’t it?
Yikes.
It is courageous to be yourself even if someone gets angry with you. Be open to learning what is working in the friendship and what isn’t. Ask them to teach you about them. You teach them about you. One woman asked me if it was appropriate to have that kind of conversation on the phone rather than in person. Yes. Begin the conversation in a way that helps you be courageous. Ask them when is a good time to chat on the phone, morning or evening? Giving them two choices, which helps them to focus on the decision.
Friendships do change at any age, not just adolescence. You go as far as you can with a person, and then, sometimes the growth is to kiss goodbye with soft Kleenex in hand. Adults feel embarrassed when they call to speak with me about not having meaningful friendships anymore. They feel they should know how to find and make friends, and to problem solve when things aren’t going well with a friend. That is their image of being an adult friend. They believe friends fight for the friendship to last. They want and the other does not. Has this happened to you? What is your image of a good friend?
Finding community and traveling forward together means loving yourself enough to say YES and NO to a person. It means choosing to be vulnerable about your needy side and your independent side.
It means teaching the person what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Sounds like work, doesn’t it? I view it as an opportunity to go to “the edge” and remind myself that I know I can handle the journey no matter what the outcome. I won’t drown in my tears. I might even be smiling about my vulnerability and awkwardness after the conversation.
Friendship. Who do you want to fly with across the waters of your life? Who do you want to call today? What friends will dive deep with you and what friends, just as valuable, want to stay on the surface?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (310) 454-0040
Los Angeles
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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