best transition ever: grandparenting
natalie today show

with Natalie caine


Empty Nest, Now What?

June 18, 2014 | by Natalie Caine | 2 Comments

Sunburst_Petals_5283Congratulations, parents. Shoulders down. Your child is on their way to college.
I have sat where you now sit.  Proud and excited.  It is bittersweet.

Your children are packing up for their dreams. You are viewing an empty chair at the kitchen table.  Now what?

How do you walk this major life transition?

I remember that flight back home from the New York dorm, where my daughter began college, 3,000 miles from home.  I was alone in a plane, wheels up and my tears falling uncontrollably down.

The flight attendant came over, “Are you alright? Can I get you something?”  I didn’t want to speak. I motioned with my hand over my heart and a nod.  She got that I was ok.  I didn’t get that, yet.  I leaned my head against the tiny airplane window, Kleenex in hand.
I just needed a deep grieving cry.  I let myself have it. I was surprised by the depth of my sadness.  I knew I would be sad, but didn’t know I would sob.

My daughter and I are close.  She wasn’t home much junior and senior high school year.  That is not the same as no more school days, no more day to day with her, her friends, or even parents and teachers you have known for years.

Your parenting role changes.  Community changes.  Changes to what?   Who are you beyond parenting?

Welcome to the UNKNOWN, to your next joyous and challenging chapter of life?  Whether you work, stayed at home, or volunteered,  all parents, married or solo, that I have spoken with across the country, at some time, go through a grieving for what was and is now, instantly different

Everyone grieves differently. Some parents don’t miss their children because high school was challenging and exhausting.  They were ready to hug goodbye.   They aren’t clear what comes next for them now that their children don’t need them in the same way.

Five tips to a new roadmap:

  1. Be gentle with yourself daily.  Delete the need to compare yourself with your neighbor.   Some people jump into being busy.  Others need time unplanned.  Ask yourself, “What do I need today and how can that happen?”
  2. Practice checking in with yourself.  Empty nest is a time to learn more about who you are and who you are not. From there, you begin to pull up inner and outer resources. Both are needed during changes.   What are you thinking about?  What feelings are popping up?  How are you spending your days and nights?  What needs more attention and what needs less?   Open time to explore who you are today.
  3. Make a list of compliments people have given you over the years, “You are so organized.  You always have creative solutions.  Love the way you dress. What a great cook you are.  Wish I had your discipline to work out.”
  4. What did you use to do for fun before marriage and children?  What did you do after school?  The arts, ride your bike, sports, social organizer, and ?
  5. Write yourself a love letter. “Dear Kate… I love how you listen to your kids and then ask them questions so they can come up with ideas for themselves.  I love how you rest and shut the door with a do not disturb sign.  I love that you said to them that you were wrong.  What a great role model.  Kate, your kids know you believe in them.”  Write this kind of letter to yourself and then read it out loud to YOU.  Tuck it in your drawer to read, again, any time.

Flower_Buds_P10190713People always ask me, “How long will I feel sad and unmotivated? Did your life get happier? Did you find something to do that mattered?”

Some people heal in a month, others a year.  I had a parent call for a telephone session. She shared that she was fine until her daughter graduated college.  Then she felt depressed and confused.  She wept.   Each of us grieves on our own time and in our own ways. Parents ask me how to build a more adult to adult relationship with their children? One answer is to notice unrealistic expectations with them.  ”Call me at eight every Sunday?”

I had no idea the day I walked off the airplane and opened the door to my daughter’s empty, messy room, that the aching would end to be her everyday mom. Married, career woman, friendships, and creativity didn’t erase missing my daughter. What did land on the page were new parts of myself that had to go dormant while parenting.  Photography, writing, a new career, and more.

No one wants to go through changes alone. That is why I built empty nest support services in order to help parents through this joyous and challenging transition, finding what’s next for them and how to build an adult to adult relationship with their children.

Natalie Caine, M.A. is owner of Empty Nest Support Services, which provides one-on- one sessions, on or off the telephone, speaking engagements for your community, workshops, support groups, and mentoring. She recently moved to Pacific Palisades, CA.

Call for support and further information.

Take good care,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (310) 454 0040
Los Angeles

Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Maria Shriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com

– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter

2 Responses

  1. Lynda McDonough says:

    Hi. I would like to talk to someone to help me through this phase…I had no idea after all these years of hard work I would end up so sad and grieve so much when my last son left home.

  2. Gina says:

    My name is Gina and it was suggested to me to get involved with a support group. Not sure how this works but I am willing to give it a try…. 🙂

Join conversation

Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org