November 2011 Archives

Family, friends, colleagues, parents, and children all have ideas of how the holidays should unfold. Expectations are normal and often unspoken.  Can you be a listener and a leader if needed? See if these tips for the holiday season of get-to-gethers, whether with one person or a group, might keep you from tears.

1. Focus on your strengths.  You spend repetitive time on what you need to fix about yourself or someone else. Choice is a powerful gift.  You get to make choices. Choose to notice what you are good at and wear that each day.

2. Practice being a happy person. Fake it till you make it.  That means you need to pause before you speak. For some of you who don't bring happy energy to the room, plan ahead what you will talk about and then deliver.  Dead energy is for the wood burning fireplace.

3. Why do I bring these two reminders to you?  These are the bottom line issues of hurt feelings that people bravely share with me. These are some reasons people lose faith in themselves and others.  They also forget to practice finding real meaning in their life.  That habit of blame comes in the room, "I am over worked.  I am tired.  I have to do everything. I just want to sit. I don't have the money.  I don't have the time.  I don't know what to say.  I am different than you and I am who I am.  I am sure you can add words to what you say when you are hurt or walking on eggshells when someone enters the room. Meaning in life, shifts self-centeredness and self-limitations.  What is meaningful for you today? What is greater than your challenges?

4. Let yourself have fun.  What are you waiting for?  Is your way of daily living worth the wait if you aren't smiling during the week?

5. Stand Tall.  How would someone you admire act in the situation?  Give that a try in small steps. Copy that person's behavior even if you feel awkward and stumble with the words and actions.  Newness is uplifting.

6. Ask yourself how often you say you are trying and honestly aren't.  You know why you aren't even if you can't articulate it.  Get to know yourself more and more because you are the one in the room who affects joy or sorrow.

7. If you are able to forgive others, then deeply forgive yourself and start anew.  It is never too late to be happy and loving.

Bottom line, holidays are more meaningful and memorable when spent with happy people. Focus on the good in you and let that light the room you stand in every day.

May you have moments during the holiday that put a smile on your face and others.

PS.  I just can't help myself, so forgive me for saying the trite...it is not about the gifts, it is about generosity of spirit, and yes, anytime there is a surprise, an unexpected gift or gesture, that makes for a happy face. Be happy....

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
 
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com 

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Did you pack your toothbrush?  That is the one repeated question I ask, since I don't want to share.  Travel and transitions are about feeling out of control.  Who likes that feeling? 

Back to sharing....One of the top questions people bring up during our telephone consultation is that they don't want to talk about certain subjects during the holiday. 

They feel too vulnerable or private for now.  I will cut to the chase and suggest you say," I pass-on talking about that subject this holiday.  I will talk about your beautiful home.  When you say what you don't want and also add what you do want, it sits less defensive or controlling, don't you think?

What aren't you ready to share during the holidays?  Is that ok with you for now? 

When Sara spoke with me about her anxiety for the holidays it included not wanting to talk about her illness over and over.  She deals with it day and night and is doing well today.  What she wants is fun, distraction from illness routine, and to be seen as "normal."

She understands people want updates.  Her plan is to give an update in an email before people visit or before she gets in the car.  If that doesn't work, she said she might just say, "I am so bored with managing my good and bad days, could we talk about you?"  Who doesn't want to talk about themselves?

That is the solution we came up with while having our session together on the telephone.

The sign BEWARE OF DOG, definitely gets my attention.   I don't want to get hurt.   A sign for you to remember is, BEWARE OF EXPECTATIONS.  I think that is a top bruiser when it comes to being with people. 

Check out how you want the holidays to be, how it might be, and what you really need during the gathering time.  Then ask if you are being realistic, coming from past roles you played or longed to play, and if you are taking into account who that other person really is and isn't.

We have so many different parts inside us, like an orchestra, that it is natural to feel whatever and whenever you feel what you feel.  Sounds so trite. Sounds so forgotten in the moment. 

Music works to shift me and uplift my moods.   Right now I am hearing in my head, the song, LET IT BE, LET IT BE, LET IT BE...

Wishing you laughter and delicious breaking bread together with those you enjoy,
Natalie

Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
 On the web www.emptynestsupport.com

Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, HUFFINGTON POST, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS

Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.

- Private Telephone Consultations
- Speaking engagements
- Online classes
- Support groups
- Workshops
- Free active message board - connect with others
- Story of the Month
- Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter
- Los Angeles, CA

1. When I am going through a transition, self-talk steps in. "Natalie, how are you doing? No really, Natalie, how are you doing?  What do you need today?  Can someone help you or do you think you can give that need to yourself?"  I just feel better when I check in with myself during the day and evening.

2. When I am stuck, I stay curious and compassionate. Even if I am not stuck, curiosity keeps me uplifted and compassion keeps me more relaxed. "I wonder why that person has to dominate the conversation."  "I did the best I could in the moment."

 3. Love starting my day with one cup of black coffee in my small garden wearing flannel jammies around six am.  My self-planted garden is organic, and a surprise.  I am still picking red tomatoes, but my basil is leaving. Dalia's gone and fuchsia blooming.  Can't grab enough arugula and pick black kale.   Hummingbirds and butterflies. What's not to keep me from starting my day that way?  My inner pusher who thinks I need to respond to emails now.

4. I know you hear it all the time and it is true for me too, I say what I am grateful for in a way that goes like this, "Thank goodness I feel great today."  "Thank goodness I work for myself."  "Thank goodness my daughter is happy."  "Thank goodness he loves his work." You get the idea.  I just need to remember what I am not suffering with today and what I love about my life.  That works for a quick shift in attitude for me. I am that consistent with writing it down.

5.   When I am making a decision, or shifting roles, I remember there are lots of parts inside me, like an orchestra. I bring them up to hear.

6.  I have practiced for decades getting off the hamster wheel of thoughts that aren't true in my head.   I say, "Is that fantasy thought, reality thought, or from my past?"  

7.  I am a connecter, so I like to briefly touch in to say hello to people I love.  Makes me happy.  Sometimes a call, text or email. 

8.  I also love my solo time.  I need it to nurture and hear me. 

9.  Change is inevitable, whether sudden or expected.  I just let myself weep whenever I need to weep.

10,  When I don't want to go somewhere or do something, mostly because I am feeling vulnerable, I hold my hand and say  something like," You can do this.  You just aren't feeling as confident or energetic in this moment.  It will pass.  You love doing....so remember that right now and think about that."    Say, yes more than no if the no is coming from fear.  It does invigorate me to do what I think I didn't want to do, but that is a longer story for another interview. It is about knowing who I am and who I am not and pulling up new resources within.  I know I have that little one inside me who just wants me to do nothing but stay home. I tell her "thank you for the reminder. I've got this one. You don't have to do anything." "This goes along with having different parts inside you like an orchestra.  Some are too loud, too soft, and some are dormant and simply want a chance to be heard.    I know when vulnerability rises, which some call fear, so I chat with myself about the plus and the minus of that decision, key is I do that chat while walking not sitting.  Oh the tricks and treats we learn about ourselves!

11. I have a reality talk with myself so that my expectations get lowered and not inflated. When my daughter comes back home, for example, I practice being in my new role as her mom and allow her to be in hers.  Oh that gets embarrassing sometimes because I love mothering and can slip into my old role, "Oh, don't forget your sweater and bottle of water."  Really, I think she knows how to dress.   I remind myself our rhythms are different, for example, I am an early riser who bounces out of bed and doesn't need a wake up time to transition into my new day.  I just have that morning energy.  She is quieter in the morning.  So I need to not ask questions and just be there in the kitchen or her bedroom with soft energy.  Or better yet, let her find me when she wakes up...um not so easy for me, because I am excited she is home.  Expectations need a check in for work, gatherings, family, vacation, love, etc., in order to decrease disappointments and hurt, don't you think?  We just have expectations that come without knowing who is doing the inner talk...the dreamer, the adolescent, the narcissist, the whiner?  

12. I am better at making friends with the unknown.  When I don't have clarity or don't know what is going to happen, I let myself know I have been through worse times and will be OK.  I can trust myself and handle not knowing.   When I am feeling restless, I call a friend for help or venting.   When I need professional advice, I make an appointment.  Who doesn't need help at times? I think we forget it is normal to seek comfort and help.

13. I plan and do less when I am in a transition.

14.  I use my words and ask others to use theirs.  That sounds condescending. Sorry for that.  I just get frustrated when people don't respond or act passive.  I do know we all have neediness, off days, fear, and confusion, so that compassion helps me forgive and let go.  Just not worth staying in that dark room when I can't develop.

15.  When I am preparing for a transition I know will be right around the corner, like care-taking or kids leaving the nest, I say no to what doesn't really need my attention, and yes to what I won't get back again, like TIME, with me,  with my kids,  with someone who matters to me.  Work is necessary.  Work is fulfilling. Work is also a place to hide because it is familiar and less vulnerable.  Time doesn't come back. Love does.  OK, enough of that philosophy message. You and I just need reminders and permission to pause and reflect, don't you think?

Let's do this again.  You can email me questions you have or thoughts that are on your mind today.

Take good care,
Natalie

Life in Transition, What's Next?  Action to change
www.lifeintransition.org
natalie@lifeintransition.org
Los Angeles, CA
(818) 763-0188 or Toll Free (800) 446-3310

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