CHANGE REQUIRES YOU TO START. It sounds simple and yet doesn’t happen. Get out of the “why” and the “I am not that way so I can’t”, and START. That is the number one block to why change doesn’t happen. You spin in your head or you get amnesia. START. Give the person what they need and see what happens. You can change your mind and course-correct the action after you START.
Boomers, empty nesters, and college students going through transitions don’t ask for enough help.
A family spoke with me about being stuck. Who doesn’t get stuck? Their communication got more silent and their anxiety rose because of not feeling like they could ask for what they needed. Judged and having that used against them , froze them asking.
Brad told me he asked, but not much came of it.
He wanted support in feeling lonely and confused. Mom, felt worn out and didn’t realize she wasn’t hearing, THANK YOU. Their daughter only connects about twice a month since marrying. These aren’t their real names due to privacy, but I think you can relate to their pain and confusion.
What to do:
1. Keep asking for what you need when you aren’t upset. Ask how they could help you.
2. With adult children, they lead so you may have to let that go and trust the love is there when you aren’t getting the weekly connections.
3. When a window is shut, go to another one. If you can’t get the support you need from one person find other ways to get your needs met. Other friends, spiritual practices, counselors, mentors.
4. Leave notes of feelings. A couple I worked with kept a journal rather than having long discussions. They left the journal of their feelings and needs on the kitchen table and read responses that evening. Safety and style is different for each of us. This is a way to problem solve someone who isn’t as in touch with feelings or as verbal as you.
5. We haven’t been taught that once is not enough to ask for what you need whether with work or family. It is how you ask and when you ask. Keep it light and open. Empower the other to give you suggestions rather than demanding .
6. Even when you do ask more than once and don’t receive what you would like, let it go and ask another time saying how it makes you feel to not be heard or see change. Relationships are about negotiating and leaving the inner child out of the discussion and pulling up the adult who knows how to get beyond their ego and habits.
Change is not a formula even though I offer suggestions. It is a process of going within for clues and repeating that inner connection with self, which I call SELF TALK and creative conversation with self to meet other parts of you. Make the time. It is worth what you will birth as you travel uncertainties.
Take care,
Natalie
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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