Today with the trauma of loss in Colorado I am worrying more. I know it doesn’t do me any good to worry. I am a great mom. I just don’t know who I am when he is in college. I do worry about his wellness more than his safety. I worry about what will grab my interests.
Boys are different than girls when it comes to self-care. He won’t see a doctor even if he has a fever. He will lay in his dorm bed and wait it out. I am packing a first aid kit with common needs. I want to be his nurse. I want to be his cheer leader. I want to be his buddy. There, I said it. It is embarrassing to say. I want to still be in the loop of his everyday life. I figured something out last night. I just want to hear his voice because that tells me so much. If he is fine, I am good.
My letting go of my need to hear him will take me as long as it takes me. I am his mom. I am not his best friend. It ended when he was in fifth grade. I am alright with that for sure. I am not alright with his being so far away. Did I teach him what he needs to know for now? Will he be kind to people? Will he bounce back if he gets hurt or makes mistakes? I think so but he is with no one he knows and in a new city, so I don’t really know how he will react.
I just need to let go. I need to believe he has what he needs and when he trips, he will find his way back up. He can call. He might not. He wouldn’t want to worry me. I told him to call no matter what happens. I told him I can handle good and bad news. I can’t handle not hearing from him. I don’t want him to feel like he has to have me on his mind. He has to pay attention to his new life. I am in the back room, so to speak.
See, I can’t really think about what I want yet. I need to have him settled then I can. My way is to try and get in front of situations and I can’t do that when he is gone. I bet that will be a good thing for me to drop. He needs to carry his own suitcase.
What will be in mine? How will his first week at college be? So happy for him and that he is on his way to new dreams. I am going to go see what he is doing right now. Just a peak into his room and that is all I need today. I just need to see him in his room. I think I am rattled more than I thought with what parents are going through now that their lives are so wounded from death.
Perspective. I just got it. Thanks for listening here.
Caroline
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
Carolyn your situation resonated with me. My son just left two weeks ago and I am devastated. I am so weepy dont want to eat cant sleep. I know I have to be strong cause he needs me as a resource.