November 12, 2009 | by Natalie Caine | One Comment
The tears just fall. You thought you were over the pain. You never imagined there were so many tears in a body, but there they are, irritating your nose and quivering your lip.
HELP LIST:
- Say what you are feeling. I feel so sad, so alone. Can’t do anything. Nothing is working out that I have tried to do. I can’t get over it. I am sick of running errands just as a way to get me out of this house.
I feel useless.
- Let yourself cry, curl up in the bed.
- Stay curious and compassionate with yourself (what’s up for me, do others feel this way..I mean isn’t this normal to be lethargic and sad, what has helped me in the past, well of course I am having a lousy day who wouldn’t with all that is going on, change isn’t easy and I know that, I have never been here before so of course I feel lost, I wonder who could help me, can I change my mind)
- Remind yourself, “I won’t feel like this forever. This is how it is today. I have felt better and I have felt worse. I can handle this. It’s a bad day. I don’t have to fix it or be different. I am sad and that is how it is right now. My life isn’t how I wanted it to be.
- When you can’t stand yourself anymore or the four walls are closing you in, push yourself out of your nest into fresh air. Who cares if you shower or aren’t looking good. Walk in your neighborhood. Do you want your I-Pod or no music? Turn around when you can’t do this anymore and need to be back home.
- You get to change your mind.
- Ask for help. Send an email or find a support group online or call a friend. Yes, you feel embarrassed about not being strong or “over it” and you still deserve someone to be there for you.
- Don’t look backwards about your life, look forward. Sometimes we reach to people in our past that never were able to be there for us but it is a habit, so remind yourself to reach forward . Try anything. Local coffee shop, book store, bike shop, healthy foods store and just say hello to someone.
- Change isn’t easy especially when you didn’t choose it and the truth is, change happens. Get to know who you are and who you aren’t. Pull up new resources from within that can help you make a tiny step forward. Does that mean taking a class online, getting a mentor, learning to meditate, trying a yoga or biking?
- Don’t blame yourself for a rotten day. That critic of yours has never given you the best advice. Ask the one who really wants to nurture you what would be a good idea for you right now? What do you think I need today? Write down what you heard that part of you say to you.
Life is complex. We get tired of pulling ourselves up to be the best we can be. That pusher part of us can be over rated in times where being the best you can be is being in touch with what you are thinking and feeling…simply being with yourself as you are and not fixing anything about you or having to do anything for others.
You won’t stay in that place forever. A new wave will carry you to the outer world, again. Trust that you know yourself and will know what you need. Go inside and ask, “WHAT DO I NEED TODAY AND HOW CAN I HAVE THAT FOR MYSELF?”
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles, CA
www.emptynestsupport.com
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Ready to leave this rare day of tears, but decided to look at Empty Next websites vs. going on to bed at 9:00 p.m.
Was to spend a couple of hours helping my daughter move from the house we lived in together, that I left about 1 month ago. Myself, daughter & her boyfriend had lived together 7 months, and watching her boyfriend belittle her & kill her self-esteem was just too much for me. She’s 25, and we’d been together for all those 25 years, and I was a single-mother. Her boyfriend made her cry today again, and I wanted to kill the lazy little boy. So, I quit helping them & worked on getting a few of my items I’d left there, packed my car & came back to my home. Bawled most of the way home, cried when I got here after I brought all my boxes in – they have our Xmas decorations in them. So, I went & took a nap for an hour, got up & fixed my dinner, and snuggled up on my couch & watched a horror movie.
If my daughter was leaving for college it’d be so much easier than knowing she’s going to move in with this little boy, and I know so much pain is heading her way. And, I know it’s no longer my job to “fix it” for her – but, watching her so hurt is just tearing me up. My “mother’s back” arched today & I spoke angrily to her boyfriend, so…. I usually just left & bit my tongue.
But, I had great pain in my life & lived through it. I keep asking did I raise this cowering, tearful girl?
By the by, I saved decorating my new home for Xmas till tomorrow, as I know it’ll be a brighter day & give me my own new traditions. I am so grateful to be away from witnessing these episodes. I’ll get busy again tomorrow setting up more of my own home.
Glenna