Melissa hugged her daughter at the college dorm, got in the rental car, and wept all the way to the airport. The tears surprised her.
When you go through even an expected change, the reality settles in your heart when you wave goodbye.
Parents know the relationship they had will be different. They aren’t sure what their role will be and that is unsettling.
For a while you might not have been the go to person or the number one with your children . They might have been your number one, which doesn’t imply you didn’t have “a life.”
No guilt or judgment about your relationship. You did the best you could at the time. Truth is, most parents would drop what they were doing if their child needed them no matter what age or stage.
Grieving the role you lived as parent is unique, based on your relationship with yourself and your child. All parents feel the shift of this milestone. Comparing yourself to how your friends or others are doing in this transition of life doesn’t honor who you are right now.
There are many moments you are relieved at not addressing your child’s needs or schedule, but that has nothing to do with love, deep love.
When you love someone and can’t have time with them, you miss them.
Empty nest is a time of honoring all you gave. Reminiscing what you love about parenting and what you won’t miss.
You could write a letter to yourself , ” I appreciate the way I… I honestly won’t miss the way I had to….” You will find your words. Fifteen minutes of writing is healing.
Feelings are vulnerable and can be unavailable. Thoughts come more naturally, spinning us with pictures we make in our head, or leaping ahead to the “what ifs”… Comfort comes in a smorgasbord. Get to know yourself day by day. Leave the judgment. With every thought and feeling there is a gift and curse while walking changes. Maybe you can practice holding both,” the gift of my spinning with thoughts is… the curse of it is….” Empty nest gives permission to know yourself in new ways. Your two constant friends are compassion and curiosity.
Even if you have gone through this before, when the last child leaves, you weep.
Career, married, single, all weep when the house emptiness of your child and their friends.
Community is lost.
School days are over.
You long for new meaning and connections.
You want your child to call.
I know, as an empty nest mom, that life does get happy and fun. Parents across the country have shared their journey with me and I am honored to hold their stories. Change doesn’t travel in a straight line. You don’t, “Get it,” and then life is wonderful.
You feel your feelings whenever and wherever they pop up.
Some parents take time to be. Some leap into action.
The biggest challenge I hear is , “What do I want to do that will be fulfilling, how do I grow a new relationship with my kids that respects me and respects them, and I’m not sure I am that into my partner anymore, which scares me.”
Change means you are in the unknown. You have never been at this stage of life before. There will be people who say, “Get over it. Your child isn’t gone forever. Get a life. People have it worse than you do.” Well, I am sure you have read or heard the comments. You be true to you.
Make friends with not knowing the answers, yet. That could sound and feel like, ” I don’t know what I want to do with my free time and I do know I can get help. I’m frustrated today, but that won’t last forever. I am so sad, but who wouldn’t be when you miss someone you love?”
You have heard the lists of what people added to their life:
Travel
Volunteer
Visiting people they didn’t have time to see before
Hobbies
New careers
Mentoring
Learning a new language
Working part time
Piano lessons
Organic gardening
Book groups
Dating
Dancing
Cooking classes
Golf
Tennis
Swimming
Yoga
Meditation
Prayer
Walking
Water colors
What you might not have heard is you have done enough and you do enough. Trial and error for the next spark. Begin and leave. Adults forget they get to go somewhere and leave for whatever reason comes up for them. Yes, give it a try and at the same time , honor when the place, activity , or people aren’t a match for you at this time. Keep going. Keep going. I say that louder because our mind tends to trick us into the voice of, “I will never find something or someone. I will always be alone or left out of the fun of life.”
Find support. Ask for help. You would be surprised how many people wish they had called one friend or someone in the community who would hear them right where they are today.
If you don’t have someone, find websites where there is a community so you don’t feel alone. Friendships end. Relationships end. Career changes. Begin some connection somewhere which could be at a bookstore, museum, art opening, café, religious setting, walking, etc. when you are ready.
If you aren’t ready, check in with yourself and ask, “Do I need to get out anyhow, or do I need to be for today?”
There are so many stories I could share. So here is one.
A mother didn’t want to commit here time to anything, yet. She did want something that made her feel needed and engaged.
Cooking worked. She would surprise a neighbor with comfort food, one dish. Once she called me and told me she didn’t really know the neighbor well, except for an occasional wave or hello.
The fresh fruit with banana bread turned out to be a way to feel more connected in her neighborhood and still have her free time.
No she didn’t want to start a business or do this scheduled. She cooked and gave when she felt like it.
Wishing you time for being good to yourself and a building of inner trust that you will feel happiness and meaning.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 or 818-763-0188 Los Angeles CA
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
-Private Telephone Consultations
-Speaking engagements
-Online classes
-Support groups
-Workshops
-Free active message board – connect with others
-Story of the Month
-Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
-Los Angeles, CA
OK, so I should be planning what I am going to do when I come back home from dropping my daughter off in mid – August as a Freshman. I should. I don’t. My list of what she needs and doesn’t need to take, what to do for fun and more bonding before she leaves, relatives, bank account, health kit, travel details, keeps me happily busy.
When I write this I act as if I am the one going off to college. Crazy me. I am just deeply in the last hoorah of mother role. Yes, she could do all this. I want to do it and she isn’t complaining, so far, except for plans to bond. She is into last minute choices not commitments a week out.
I don’t blame her. I am just holding the door knob so tight with both of us in her room.
She is not my first to go. My son leaped a year ago. Weepy mom slobbered on my shirt so he wouldn’t see me freaking out about GOODBYE baby boy.
I don’t even know what I should and shouldn’t be doing, let alone feeling. Honestly, I don’t think I would care right now. I just have to do what I have to do until she yells at me or I collapse. Collapse is the goal because it is a sure sleep success.
Will you help me after I come back from the hug goodbye? Will you tell me this is how parents feel and I will be ok? Will you help me find something that I care about with my free time? Will you just keep her happy and safe? Oh, you don’t do that do you? Well who does do that?
Keep in touch, ok? Swim and float with me when I get back home from her dorm.
Bye for now,
Mom on the verge of the biggest letting go she has ever been called to live.
Back to school is not only new beginnings for parents and students, but for anyone who feels the end of playful summer and the hope for more meaning, connection, and creativity in the Fall.
Questions about relationships, finances, work, parenting, illness, care-taking, re-locating, wellness, and fun, rise up.
I just want to let you know we are forming new support groups for all transitions, whether that is empty nest, re-invention, divorce, loss, illness, retirement, marriage, etc. Transitions include celebrations. What you might not know is, even joy, shakes your bones because you have not been in that space before.
In my happy years of speaking with thousands of people across the country about transitions, the number one question I am asked is, AM I NORMAL?
Surprise in exploring your feelings and options is you only ask yourself one time, WHAT’S NEXT FOR ME? Research shows, five times asking that question, WHAT’S NEXT FOR ME, integrates and allows you to deepen to different parts of yourself that carry wisdom.
Parts of you had to go dormant. During a transition, you are invited to meet new selves. What part needs attention? What needs a shift of perception? What needs a goodbye? What are your gifts and challenges? What is your most comfortable emotion? What compliments have people said to you over the years?
When people gather with curiosity and compassion, seated with the intention to openness, as well as, focus, change appears.
Call for more information about support groups or email:
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Toll free, 800-446-3310 Los Angeles, CA Pacific time.
I reinvented my career. When you read my list on my website of life transitions, you will relate to why I am passionate about support for changing times. I know the value of being heard, supported, and met right where you are. One tool, can lift you because it is something you never thought of before. One new friend, can hold your hand as you step up or weep.
Looking forward to connecting with you,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Online classes
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Free active message board – connect with others
– Story of the Month
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
– Los Angeles, CA
I think we don’t feel it or view it enough. Parents, Boomers, Students, Divorced and Married, call me asking, “How do I know what I want to do next?” Under the opening question is their doubt, disappointments, exhaustion, and lack of support. You can relate to those moments. Who hasn’t been there?
I truly believe the practice of appreciation, daily, even hourly, on a blue day, can lift you. It sounds too simple so we don’t do it. Not enough sparks and whistles. Not an end to the long journey of NOT KNOWING YET.
Don’t you wish when you were in high school that someone taught a class called, “LIVING IN THE UNKNOWN?” At least there would be a memory as an adult that unknowns aren’t monsters, mistakes, or something to fix. Believe me, I don’t always like that seat, either, and yet, I do know, something of value comes from the emptiness.
When you leap, your head is often making the choice. Poor heart isn’t getting any attention. For some they spin too long and the head and heart get foggy. Try a walk. Let your body give some clues and relief. Ask yourself, FIVE TIMES, yes five, not one, like most of you do, “WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY?”
When a client of mine truly had the blues, after getting to know her, we discovered that a walk to her local park, hearing children, seeing them play, listening to mothers and dads laugh and discipline, lifted her spirits. What might bring a moment of happiness to you?
Get support. No one wants to figure out or sit alone with pain. We endure too long.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Online classes
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Free active message board – connect with others
– Story of the Month
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
– Los Angeles, CA
She couldn’t see around the corner since her divorce. Love lost? Not exactly. No regrets. Love no longer moving forward hand in hand.
Summer and the living doesn’t feel easy. Financial shifts and singlehood aren’t carefree days when you are grieving the life you thought you would have and uncertain about love tomorrow.
1. Full on permission to weep. Who wouldn’t when change unexpectedly lands in your bedroom? Buy the softest aloe Kleenex you can purchase.
2. Treat yourself as well as you would treat your friend going through divorce.
3. Ask for help. One woman set up an email with her friend that simply said, “I LOVE YOU. GET OUTSIDE TODAY.” Support goes a long way.
4. Make a plan on your calendar to do something for yourself on the weekend.
What use to bring you joy?
5. No spinning like a hamster. Jump off the wheel. Sometimes in life you are in the mystery even though you want answers.
6. Practice present moment by feeling your feet on the floor and seeing what is right in front of you…the window, the object on the bookcase.
7. Remind yourself this loss and pain won’t last forever.
8. Take little steps forward for creativity that will lift your spirits.
Would that be a class, the arts, hiking group, bowling, city tours?
9. Say at bedtime what you appreciate about yourself.
10. If you have trouble sleeping, buy a meditation tape for relaxation and healing.
Transitions are an invitation to go within and learn more about who you are, who you aren’t, and what new resources are needed at this stage of your life.
Take very good care with gentleness to self.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
-Private Telephone Consultations
-Speaking engagements
-Online classes
-Support groups
-Workshops
-Free active message board – connect with others
-Story of the Month
-Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
-Los Angeles, CA
My son is leaving in August and I am freaking out. Me, the mature parent who has a full life, but cries about his empty room. I just don’t have people to talk with about this change. Of course, I will be his mom and see him on holidays, but I am no longer the go to for him. I no longer will chat in the kitchen about his day nor hear him with his friends in the yard.
We are so busy now but soon that silence will be too much. I work, am married, and am a go getter, but not feeling the energy of planning for this change.
All those years of parenting and being with other parents is shifting. I don’t even know what my role with him is as he launches his adulthood.
Sure, I will enjoy the free time but not the non-connect. I am not asking him to call once a week. It is up to him. I just haven’t found much support for this new time of life that is around the corner.
Thank goodness I found empty nest support services so I don’t think I am nuts or alone on my new self-journey. I wonder who I will become?
So that’s my story,
Ally
Leaders, parents, college grads, students, boomers, all in transition and
needing the impact of beauty around them for inspiration and stability.
A rose in a vase, a garden of rainbow chard, pillows, bowls, painting, photos, collage, musical instruments, poems, etc. You think it doesn’t make a difference when you are changing. I know it has for me and my clients.
Will you accept making beauty around you? The photos are my recycled doors that sat for two years on the side on the house. While walking my small garden with morning black coffee, the idea came to me.
PUT MY PHOTOS IN THE WINDOWS ON THE DOORS. MAKE A GARDEN GALLERY. I wanted immediate gratification. Therefore, double stick tape, clean the windows, print my photos, move the doors to a focal point and tape them down. Stand back and enjoy the view…daily.
Truth is, I often move objects and furniture around as seasons change.
Lighten my life. Get more playful. Nest in. I am forever tossing and donating when I make the time. I like open space.
Summer brings up wanting to play and get out of town. It brings up family memories, some still alive and some unseen now. Beauty helps me feel great even when I am in the not knowing what is next or practicing patience.
Creativity leads me to something every time. Could be a smile all day and that is good enough. Could be I invite someone over to see my new creation or I email it.
I welcome you to email me your beauty that surrounds you. Go gather, toss, create, and play. I wonder where that will lead you?
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
-Private Telephone Consultations
-Speaking engagements
-Online classes
-Support groups
-Workshops
-Free active message board – connect with others
-Story of the Month
-Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
-Los Angeles, CA
Transitions for adults and children bring frustration. How does it show itself in your family?
Not sleeping. Irritability. Yelling. Immobile. Over eating.
A family shared with me they want a fun, happy summer, but the fears grip them.
Not enough money, too many people back in the house, relationship is all about problem solving and details, and yes, the not knowing how to handle the unknowns that come up.
1. Have a check in party where each says what is on their mind and the others truly listen. Keep it brief. Each person gets five minutes. We use to do this with a talking stick. The person holding the stick, talks. You pass the stick around to the next person. A timer is set. Sounds silly.
Silly worked.
2. The person who has an idea speaks it after each one shares their five minute story. A guy complained that he was tired of being the only one with the ideas. He too wanted some help and ideas. He forgot to tell them that.
3. You don’t have to have solutions. The conversations make real connections. Trust builds. Caring emerges.
4. Ask for help, “What do you think we can do about….?” You want to empower each other not blame.
5. Say your feelings hopefully when you haven’t stored them too long and therefore explode. Remind yourself you don’t want to pin them into a corner. You don’t need to be right. You need a happy household.
6. Stay focused on your needs. If you wait for someone, you resent. You will get angry and hurt. You will heal. Differences bring curiosity and more knowing who you are and aren’t.
7. Feelings are just feelings. Vulnerability is part of being alive.
There are so many parts to you. By the way, wanting to yell and yell at someone is also a part of you.
Wanting to slam the door, say I quit, yes other parts of you. Those parts just don’t have to be the all of you.
Those thoughts and feelings really do help you learn what isn’t negotiable and what you can live with today.
Wishing you the fun of summertime.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
-Private Telephone Consultations
-Speaking engagements
-Online classes
-Support groups
-Workshops
-Free active message board – connect with others
-Story of the Month
-Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
-Los Angeles, CA
Parents, college grads, worker bees, boomers, married and single, all want the one, two, three directions so they don’t cry or stay in bed all day while not knowing WHAT’S NEXT.
“I don’t want to do that.” Those words matter. No leads to Yes. Your NO teaches you who you are right now. You can change your mind as you gather and get to know yourself today.
Four practices:
Take good care,
You won’t be forgotten nor miss out on happiness.
Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
-Private Telephone Consultations
-Speaking engagements
-Online classes
-Support groups
-Workshops
-Free active message board – connect with others
-Story of the Month
-Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
-Los Angeles, CA
Your life is in transition. You are no longer happy with where you were and not sure what’s next.
Time to come up with a new dream.
When a mother called me in tears, I could relate. Her life was good and she knew it. Her heart was empty. She silently cried.
Good news is she was ready to explore.
Her signals were boredom, irritability, and wondering if this is all there is to her once happy life. We began to explore on the telephone twice a week. She chose twice to keep her accountable.
Cut to the chase. After talking, listening, writing, crying, getting out the door, saying no, saying yes, getting into nature, writing down her night dreams, love letters to herself, and a visit to a museum, she got it.
She is a people person. She likes her free time .
Her what’s next is working part time at a Bed and Breakfast. She is available for art in the garden with the guests.
I think there is a voice that whispers to you, “You get to be happy. You get to choose. You get to change your mind.” The challenge is how do you find that voice and if you have it, why not listen to it?
Simply begin something. ANYTHING. See where that choice leads you. Be on a hunt.
One rule…catch yourself when you hear, “THIS IS LEADING ME NO WHERE.” Respond with, “THANK YOU FOR SHARING. I AM STILL GOING ON A HUNT.”
Happy summer explorations,
Natalie
818-763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
Private Telephone Consultations
Speaking engagements
Online classes
Support groups
Workshops
Free active message board – connect with others
Story of the Month
Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Los Angeles, CA
When papa comes up stairs to say, “GOOD MORNING, SWEETIE GIRL,” who wouldn’t smile?
Isn’t it the best feeling knowing someone loves you so much?
Sure, I frustrated papa because I didn’t do what he asked and so he had to ask over and over like my red ball rolling down the steps.
I have made papa disappointed. I made him silent.
I made him feel badly about himself since he lost it with me and yelled and yelled.
I have made papa giggle, stand in a room and smile with a happy tear in one eye, and proud to chat about me with his family and friends.
My papa isn’t a big wheel in the world. He isn’t wealthy or super handsome. Isn’t the team leader or most popular.
My papa is my good morning ignition and my nite nite safety. He’s my teacher of unconditional love for real.
Papa is my bright flower that taught me to stand tall, just like this flower.
www.emtpynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
Natalie Caine was sitting at a senior class meeting in her daughter’s high school auditorium a little over seven years ago when she realized her child’s departure for college would leave her nest empty.
She remembers the prospect left her uneasy and disoriented, about the transition and the questions that were sure to follow.
What about when she returns the following summer? How does the relationship change?
Would it become a cuckoos’ nest or a happy one?
Many local parents doubtless are grappling with similar questions this summer as their college students return home to settle in for a summer back under their roof.
Caine, who has since founded an empty nest support service, spends her time helping parents smoothly flip to the next life chapter. The Los Angeles resident also coaches parents on how to restrike a domestic equilibrium with their returning student.
She says it all boils down to communication, flexibility and patience.
“The No. 1 thing in the summer is to be realistic,” she says. “He or she is not who they were before they left for college. They’ve had a lot more independence.
“Parents hate it when I say that, but it’s one of my number one tips: They lead now. You’re role is more of a mentor. They’re trying to grow up and be more adult like, so they get to lead.”
It’s a paradigm shift Christian Amaya, a 20-year-old recent Texas Tech graduate, discovered for himself three summers ago when he returned to his parents’ home in Houston after a year in Lubbock.
He had been back before, for Christmas and other brief breaks, but that first extended stay back reminded him both he and his parents were no longer the same as they were before he left.
“I definitely felt that difference where I come back home and I feel like, ‘OK. I no longer live here.’ But I did respect their rules,” he says, later adding, “It’s different. It’s definitely a transition. It’s an adjustment.”
Suddenly his college living situation, one in which he could do mostly as he pleased without affecting others, reverted back to a lifestyle in which he had to, say, account for other people’s schedules.
His parents both worked, so he had to be considerate not to come home at all hours. And when he did go out, common courtesy dictated he keep his parents posted if he would be back later than usual or if he would be staying the night with friends.
Amaya says the transition went smoothly, more so than it did for his older sister, who bumped heads with them a bit more.
She was, after all, a woman, he says, meaning his parents were more concerned for her safety. Also complicating matters was her age, 21, that allowed her to go out and drink with friends – whereas he has yet to reach drinking age.
He credits his smooth transition to what has always been a good relationship with his parents. That and a mature attitude to facilitate compromise, even if these subtle agreements were intuitive and rarely outlined directly.
For many, however, new boundaries may need to be clearly addressed, Caine notes. Not everyone has the Amaya family’s easy go at it.
“It’s just having the conversation, but it’s not about rules,” she says. “That’s where parents and kids get caught. Try to not think in terms of rules. Think in terms of negotiation and think of what your top wants are. Put it out there, say what you want and negotiate from there.”
It takes practice and plenty of trust, she continues, especially for parents reluctant to let go. The trick is to put the relationship in context.
Parents need to remember how they felt when you were their age – hold that thought.
And don’t shy from uncomfortable topics like sex and alcohol.
Layout the boundaries. Are co-ed sleep-overs OK? Is it OK to keep alcohol in the house?
These discussions often boil down to values and will go nowhere without maturity and honesty.
Parents should also remember not to take it personally if their son or daughter doesn’t, for instance, come home for dinner.
In fact, she added, don’t prepare dinner every day assuming they will come home unless plans are specifically made.
Which brings Caine to her next advice: Parents should maintain the same empty-nest lifestyle and schedule they enjoyed during the school year.
“Don’t give up focusing on yourself, parents,” she says.
Children rarely, if ever, mind. Normally they relish their parents’ newfound sense of self.
“I’ve never heard a student say, ‘Well, my parents aren’t spending enough time with me,’ ” she says.
Lastly, Caine says, remember to have fun and appreciate each other’s company.
Amaya did. He says the upside to life back at home – like, say, good food and family support – far outnumbered the challenges.
Another thought Caine says to keep in mind.
“The goal is to have a great summer together,” she says. “Have laughter in the house. It sort of takes the drama out of the kitchen.”
By Matthew McGowan
LUBBOCK AVALANCHE-JOURNAL
Posted: June 11, 2011 – 10:45pm
To comment on this story:
matthew.mcgowan@lubbockonline.com
leesha.faulkner@lubbockonline.com
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
