with Natalie caine

March 30, 2006 | by Admin2 | No Comments

by Anonymous | March 30, 2006

I know this is supposed to be a freeing time. My birds have emptied the nest. How am I going to live with the thoughts that say these could be your best years and the feelings of missing “do you want eggs and toast—yes I will bring the snacks for soccer—oh I am so sorry sweetie that you had a fight with her—-today’s your birthday, big guy. .

Isn’t it ironic that when we are over worked and burnt out we fantasize about ME TIME. We want to close the door, watch tv and eat cereal in bed. We want time with our hubby like the ole days of dating him.

Now that the day begins silent and free, I don’t know which room to sit in that feels comforting. Oh forget comforting, I could be that if I had passion about anything.

I had no idea I wouldn’t bound out of bed with the thought of having a whole day to myself. Myself. Who is myself?

I have a career, a husband, a house, a great neighborhood and friends. I am healthy. Do you really care about this info?”

I don’t.

It is not the issue of what I have or who I am.

It is more that these days are different. I have never been here. It is not like the excitement of a vacation.

I know these days are going to be the same for a long time. It is the fear of the endless nothing days that rattles my cage.

My silent house remains. I don’t know what I really want to do with my free time. I have to gear up and make the best of it. I have to feel satisfied that I raised them well and they flew with badges and dreams.

I have to coach myself and be gentle and understanding about my life and..and..and.

I, of course can be that way with me. I just don’t want to.

Part of not wanting to is and here it comes—–I have been caring for so many others as a mother and now I AM HUNGRY to be cared for.

You think for me. You carry that. You remind me. You clean and cook for me. You bring me treats. You plan the fun party. You be my advisor and counselor. You be my coach and guiding light.

I get that I am burnt out with gearing up to make a good day.

So you know what. I am not going to do any gearing, planning, coaching of myself. I am not going to dive deep into knowing myself.

I am getting back in bed. It is day time and I am going to flip the channels and see how long that lasts.

I am taking a break from being productive, generous, spiritual, healthy eater and miss go getter.

My car is parked in the driveway.

The opposite thought of course emerges which is, if I want to call a friend or start my engines today, I will. I mean how long can I stay in bed and watch TV.

That is the other point. Most of us know it sounds good to do nothing. Truth is that sound gets annoying.

I want the excitement of a new day. I want romance. I want a surprise. I want a call from my kids that says , I forgot to thank you for being such an inspiration and great teacher. I really, really love you for giving you to me so often.

Well, that for sure is a dream. They do love me and say thanks, but not that dramatically.

I want a project that adds value to life. I want new friends that carry the torch. I want adventure. I want to rest in appreciation of a good life.

I want to trust. I mean really trust that life will do me. I am not a slacker. I am not one who needs outside motivation. Although, since the kids have gone, there are times I want someone to lead me. Call me and get me up and kicking.

I guess this change in my life, this emptying, is full of holes.

Question: Can I let it be?

Stay tuned!