with Natalie caine

August 1, 2006 | by Admin2 | No Comments

by Anonymous | submitted on August 1, 2006

How did this happen so quickly that their beds are made, the refrigerator has no chocolate milk or Gatorade bottles, and the kitchen sink is empty? I have no lost socks, no basketball or soccer schedules on the refrigerator and no wet towels in the den.

I am empty of children. I guess I am in the empty nest syndrome because I feel down, tearful and don’t even say it, because it is not my hormones, so forget offering me milk, bringing flowers, and I’m so nervous… I miss my daughter and my son. One left last year and the other leaped out this month. Two college kids, and when I say that I feel old.

I am a young 50ish woman who still can dive and surface with rainbow colors.

I get up in this sweaty summer house and hear my footsteps landing on the dusty wooden floors. Face down, feet heavy, I remember, “there’s the deep scratch Ben imprinted with his black three-wheeler when over and over I said, “No riding in the house. You will scratch the floors.” Now I smile and am glad to see that marking.

Nancy has invisible markings of words on the walls, floors and ceilings I wish I had had an eraser when she loudly and constantly was on the blue phone with her life.

Now the house is so silent, I would welcome hearing myself say, “keep it down, close your door, I’m having my own conversation and all I hear is yours.”

Gee, do I only remember the discipline part of me. No, I am the good mother too, who baked the chocolate cupcakes for birthday parties, , manned the school fair ring toss booth, sat on their beds as they flew around the room buzzing about their friends and what to wear tonight.

I wonder who they are sitting with in the dorm. Are they getting dressed for a party or have nothing to do?

I guess I should think about me. What am I going to do tonight? My husband is at a business conference. There I go thinking about us. I can do something without the “us”.

But what? I get lazy about going out at night when he is gone. I could plan ahead and have dinner with a friend, but, but, but. Honestly, I am not lazy so that’s not it. I just feel flat. I don’t want to do anything, but watch TV in my XXXL faded green t- tank top that if my daughter saw, she would say,” You always wear your clothes too baggy, mom”

Signed:

“Mom missing her grown up kids.”