by Natalie Caine | submitted on November 3, 2006
I know this sounds so insecure and if you knew me, you would be shocked to hear me write these words. First, I am not an insecure woman or mother. I am just feeling out of control. Yes, I have a full life, blah blah blah. That is not the issue.
My daughter is coming home for Thanksgiving from her junior year in college. We have a good relationship, but this year has been less connected. She expresses confusion, doubts, things she doesn’t like about me, which is healthy in the bigger picture. My insecurity is wanting a pleasant turkey holiday and my not being able to handle her mood shifts or anger if it shows up. I don’t need perfection or Martha Stewart moments. I do need to not walk on egg shells since some feelings she has, she is not ready to talk about, Unknown is hard to hold, at times. In other words, there might be tension between us since not all has been said to each other.
My bubble burst when she first revealed some of her pain about me. I did deal with it well and acknowledged her courage in telling me. I said what was true for me and not true.
Gosh, I just think I want a break from problems. I know that is unreal. I know I should feel that I could handle whatever comes my way, but truth is, I don’t feel that way today. Maybe tomorrow I will feel bigger than a problem that might arrive in my delicious smelling pumpkin kitchen that has memories of, “I am so thankful for being your mom.” I am so thankful you are my mom, cause you are the best mom any kid could ever have.”
Hope I don’t dry out the turkey and burn the stuffing, but I wish that were my only concern. I want that innocence back where kids just look up at you with that glow and grin. They wrap their sweet arms around your neck.
Well, these days, I don’t like the way my neck looks, just like Nora Ephron wrote in her newest book.
Ok, thanks for listening. I just needed to say I want a break from problems.
Can anyone relate?
Out of control MOM
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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