with Natalie caine

October 26, 2007 | by Admin2 | No Comments

by Brenda | submitted on October 26, 2007

I am growing a new relationship with myself. No one told me when I was an adult that I still might struggle, painfully struggle.
I thought experiences, college education, money from working, partnering, and devotion to my children would give me free tickets to solving challenges more readily.

So not true. No matter what my life has given and taken from me I am not exempt from pain, tears, and dreams that I can’t make come true.

Some days I feel sad, non-motivated, and confused. But, I am an adult. I have lots of skills and a solid spiritual foundation.
Truth is I have discovered I want someone to walk with me who gets what this time of life is all about.

I am in my late fifties, married, kids happily on their own in their twenties. I am lucky all are healthy and connected to our family.
I dreamt of family and my own career. I have it. I didn’t think about what I would be like when my kids grew up. I didn’t think about aging and my parents yo yo health issues. It whispered but didn’t need attending to.

Now is now. Now I need help in this time of my life. People don’t talk much about empty nest unless they say things like it is no big deal since you have free time and they still come home.

I have to fake it. I have to convince myself which is just in my head, that I am fine but my heart is not fine. I am struggling. But really, I am not fine like I use to be fine. I cry now. I feel lonely. I feel angry at times for all the changes I am living including the rounding, sagging of my body and the independence of my children who can go without calling or an email.

Knowing I have meaningful relationships and have helped so many people including my family just isn’t enough for me today. That sounds terrible when I see it in the written word. It is like I am a tantrumming child. I am not or am I?

This is not such a good day and yes I do have joyous days, but not this one.

Who else is feeling lousy days, confusing, days, disappointing time of life when dreams don’t come true and the clock is ticking? Some of those self help books just sound like cheerleaders on red bull.

I am a woman who wonders how I got here and where am I going. Thanks for listening.