by Kathleen H. Walters, M.A. | submitted on January 1, 2008
Hi – I have a “story” of sorts (the story is not over yet…):
Last year, my son went off to college – I cried as we left him outside the dorm of American University in DC. He seemed so alone standing there, waving at us as we piled back into our SUV. His sister, Nina, would join him next year, when she went off to college too! But, I wasn’t thinking of that yet – I had to deal with the first born going off into the world, leaving me bereft. We are very close and I was very involved in his life – I coached his soccer team in grade school; joined the kids when they went to karate, earning my own brown belt and becoming their warm up instructor; with my husband and others in the community, we started a Jewish group where we ran a Hebrew school – I taught classes every Sunday for 5 years until he became a Bar Mitzvah; joined the Booster Club at his school, running the food stand and giving out hotdogs and hot cocoa to him and his friends after a game; guiding his academic career, making sure he joined worthwhile and interesting community groups where he excelled: Civil Air Patrol, Hawk Mountain Survival Camp, trips to Italy and Costa Rica, and driving him every day for a month to his EMT class during his junior year (and waiting with bated breath every time he went on a call with his emergency lights flashing). He was my life for 19 years – he and his sister pulled the best from me in every way possible and I was a better mother to them than my own in every way that counted. Then, he was gone.
At first, it didn’t seem much different, life without my son – it felt like an extended trip during the summer, or an encampment at the Air Force Base. But, slowly, the time went on and there was no laundry to do and talks over the day except by phone (he called every night to say hello and “I love you.”). Then, my husband and daughter sat me down and gently told me “Mom, do you realize that you have stopped cooking dinner every since Matthew left for college?” I said, no that cannot be! But, it was true, I thought I was “fine” until I realized I couldn’t bare sitting at the table every night with his place empty. I finally got it together and staring cooking meals for the daughter who remained and of course, for my wonderful husband. I enjoyed the little time I had left with my precious girl, who is just an amazing person, kind and sweet. Then, it was her turn.
Well, they are both off to school and we enjoy their return for winter break, Passover and spring break – the summers are wonderful until my son announced he wanted to live in DC during these months – again I had to struggle “giving him up” again – but slowly I realized he had to follow his dreams and his life. Now, I support him and my daughter’s independence and feel so proud of them both. They really do excel at life and have great friends and experiences. I taught them to be free and independent and now I must accept my teachings as they life out their young lives.
These transitions are important and give depth to one’s life – my husband and I are getting more time together and easing into a relaxed and more simple life – I am starting to explore all the opportunities we can now share – without the kids. It is a new chapter in our life and in our family – yes, it is sad if you try to hold on to the past, but glorious if you can embrace the movement and let the “flow” take you along its currents.
Kathleen H. Walters, M.A.
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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