Hello,
I am new to being an empty nester and talking to strangers. I like the talking and connecting here on the website, but I hate the crying. It isn’t really me.
My son didn’t come home for Spring Break. He is a freshman and off with his new friends. I get it. I don’t like it. Just this first year, I want the changes to be less. My dad died so that was painful and now I am not the same mom I was since my son doesn’t need me in the same ways. I knew that would come. I even thought about it when I separated from him in Kindergarten.
I always worked, but knew my favorite job was being his mom. The games, the story times, his friends over, the school events, seeing the familiar parents, the family holidays together and birthdays all were part of the fun. Sure there was the drama and being treated lousy by him at times but that didn’t over shadow the deep connection.
I will have the connection forever, I hope. I am just weepy this weekend for the traditions of Spring holiday together and then Easter. I will come up with new ideas for sure.
I joined a book club. Honestly some of the women I like and some are boring. I can’t believe I said that, but lately things are falling out of me that didn’t use to come to the surface. My best friend said that is the wisdom of aging. I like it. I don’t like my middle fat but I do like my face.
I am just wondering how other mothers are coping. Thank goodness I found this real website of empty nesters. My mom doesn’t even remember much about when I left the nest. Must be denial, don’t you think?
Thank you for being here as a place to be heard and supported.
Kim
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
WOW….your message really helped. My youngest left last Tuesday…one week today. But it feels like an eternity.
I thought about it alot before my daughter left. But it just hit me like a ton of bricks…I’m all alone. My job is done. The entire dynamics of my position in this family has changed and will never be the same.
My son moved out at the age of 17 to enlist in the marine corp. My reaction to this was why. I asked him if he was unhappy at home. His reply was that he couldn’t have asked for better parents. But his dream was to enlist and serve his country.
My middle child moved out shortly after that to live in a college dorm. Fortunately for me she was only 15 miles away.
And now my baby…gone. Sometimes the pain is unbearable. I almost feel like I’m going through a death of someone close to me.
Then my baby left….for boot camp…NO CONTACT!!! Worry is so mild of a word. My heart actually feel like it’s broken.
So after she left I made a promise to her that I was gonna give myself a week to sulk and lick my wounds, and then figure out my way in this.
Today is one week. I went to visit 2 friends and made a beautiful dinner or my husband. And I can only hope tomorrow I’ll do the same. I do have to force myself to do anything at this point. I just want to lay in her bed and smell her pillow so I can feel closer to her.
I think after I read what you wrote, it was a little bit of relief that your feelings were similar to mine.
I need to learn more about “empty nest”. I also need to find someone thats sharing the same experiance as I am…I’m praying that knowing that I’m not overreacting and my feelings are very real, and other mothers are going through the exact same range of emotions.
I appreciate reading what you wrote. I wish you the absolute best. I know exactly what you’re going through. But other people have gone through it and survived. I accept that this is just another growing process that a mother has to go through. But where do i go from here and how to I get there?
It is so helpful to read that others are experiencing real pain. That’s the part that I wasn’t prepared for. I am a psychotherapist and have listened to others talk about the experience, but really didn’t know the intense pain that you can feel. There are times, like you , I just want to lay down in their beds and cry. I love my job, I love being with people and listening and trying to help them, but nothing compares to the feeling of fulfillment I had as a “Mom.” I loved being in the PTA, driving the kids around, lemonade stands and most of all, family vacations. Watching that all change and knowing that role is ending for me has been awful. I know that there are still good things to come and I know all the things I should be exploring for myself right now, but I am not ready to do that. I need to mourn. It is so good to know that I am not alone. Thank you.
I’m not sure if the story and comments are heartening or disheartening. When I read about the women who segue gratefully into the empty nest, I feel cheated somehow. I can hardly believe that other women could possibly feel lighthearted and free at this time in their lives. Why is this so heartbreaking for me, then? Did I invest too much of myself? Should I have had a full time job so the shock wouldn’t have been so great?Hearing about the grief of another mother whose children have left seems more real.
My children left gradually and then all at once, so you’d think I would have been prepared. Being perimenopausal and having children leave home was not a good combination, and I still owe my oldest many apologies. He commuted to university, an hour away, then moved in with friends, then got a job near where he went to school. We still expected him home for all family occaisions, which must have been hard for him, although we expected him to be grown up, and moved out. Firstborns are so misunderstood.
Because there were still three children at home when he left, I didn’t fully understand the grief I felt at his leaving. When he got married, it all came back; now I would have to share him. My reaction was completely unexpected to both of us.
My daughter has been married and out of town for nearly ten years, and it is still hard to have her so far away. My third son lived across town while attending university, so he was around, more or less, until last year when he moved four hours away. My youngest son lived at home through out university, but had long distance girlfriends so was gone any chance he had. Now, he’s graduated, married, and lives out of the country, which all happened last summer.
So, my children had been leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back to visit, leaving longer, etc. and while this was so gradual that I should have seen what was coming, I was completely unprepared. Having both a suddenly retired husband (his idea, didn’t consult me) and university students coming and going was such a shock. At one point our two youngest rented a room across town, near the university, and my husband’s response was to rearrage their bedrooms as if they weren’t theirs anymore. (When HE went away to school, he never moved home again.Maybe his mother did the same to his room.)He didn’t understand why I cried and cried, just said he was “making more available space,” and “cleaning up.” I felt as if he were erasing them.
As an SAHM, I felt completely deserted. My kids were gone, and my husband settled in to pursue his interests as always. I watch the time go by, and keep struggling to know and find the life I wanted, the one I vaguely looked forward to, colored by TV commercials of elegant, grey-haired couples hiking and going on cruises. No hiking for me; overnight I got bad knees. No dancing for me either, since besides the bad knees my husband is not interested in dancing. The eharmony commercials make me cry, and not in a good way.
My world seems shrunk to the area around my laptop, while the time drifts by, marked by birthdays, and plans for family get-togethers on holidays. And I have mixed feelings, even about this, because I am the one who plans and arranges them, and my husband shows up like everyone else. Our “baby” has missed two Christmases, and last Christmas we opened up our gifts two days later, so include everyone when they could be here. Sounds petty, but it just wasn’t the same, having no one to get up (early or not)Christmas morning, sit around eating breakfast, and then open gifts.
After spending my life ensuring that others will have warm and close relationships, through our family and friends, and through volunteer work, I am devastated that I didn’t ensure I would have the same in my personal life once the children were gone. It’s the old story: if you don’t take care of yourself, who will? Now I spend my days arguing with my husband over nothing, and struggling to keep from sliding back into a depression that lurks just under my feet.
Raising children is the most wonderful thing in the world, and losing the role of mom (and mom to a bunch of the children’s friends as well)leaves me completely at a lose. My children have turned out so well, and I miss them so much.
I’m just so grateful to find this website today. My life is definitly changing. A must; just part of the natural process of life. Maiden, mother and crone. I am now entering fully my life as a crone. I’m trying to keep my emotions at an even keel and not let myself stress or become unhappy. I need to be resilient and enjoy the process of my life evolving. I do miss the good-times with my son. However, he is 25 yrs. old and needs to be out on his own; to make his own way in the world. I did a good job raising him; he’s a fine young man. He’s just not making good choices right now. His moving out has been drawn out and traumatic at times, since it envolves his first “full-relationship.” His girlfriend, he has known for only eight months, has been living with us. She’s a loose cannon and comes complete with a load of baggage. I tried to accept but finally booted her out and my son went with her because she just informed us that she was pregnant. It’s been a total nightmare knowing her and I’m glad she’s somewhat out of my house (they are still trying to find a place to live.) My heart is almost broken about my son going off with this person but I think it is good for him to get independent of my financial support and establish his own in the world. My home will always be his home and I will always be here for him. Jennifer G.
Oh Jennifer, I feel your pain and finally I have someone who can relate to mine. My oldest, a 22 year old daughter, did not want to leave home for college, she stayed here while she went to school. She met a guy Dec 31st and has moved out of our home into her own apartment and he has moved in with her. I totally understand phrases like loose cannon, baggage and maybe even nut case. Our relationship has totally changed. He is so “smart” and we are so “pathetic”. She has made and is making such bad decisions, so unlike herself. She has quit school, just short of graduating. I grieve and mourn her daily and wonder “why is her opinion of me so low”. Like you, I know she must find her place in the world, but I sure did have other dreams and ideas for her. A much easier entrance… 🙂 My son is graduating from high school this month and will be leaving for college in August. Being their Mom has been my favorite thing…I am feeling somewhat lost. I feel that I have lost both of them at the same time.
Wow, you put my feelings into words so eloquently. I, too, spend my evenings with my laptop (my husband is out tonight “consoling” a friend who is newly divorced, but he usually is plugged into his television shows that I don’t enjoy, or trying to get me to have sex, sorry but it’s true!) My two oldest children are married but no grandchildren yet. If I am blessed enough to hopefully get grandchildren, I have heard that helps. I finally work fulltime now that the kids are really truly gone, and my husband is also working harder than ever, but the goal is just to make that last push before retiring. I can’t say we are having problems, but sometimes I just get tired of just the two of us rattling around the house and I don’t know what we will do when we are retired. I also feel, inside my heart, that there is no place in our society for the older woman whose children have left the nest. I have tried volunteer work, but have not found a calling that captures my interest, and it all feels like busy work that I’m doing while I wait for the end of my life. I find myself forcing myself not to call my kids every day. They are all on Facebook and it seems like they think a post on the internet is sometimes as good as a call to mom. It’s not that dire, they do call, they do love me, but they certainly don’t need me for any reason. In fact, I need them more now, but the time will come when I will really need them, so I am trying to back off for now. Sigh. Who knew it would be this painful?
This is for Anon- I read your reply and said Wow!! – you sound like me. I am turning into someone I don’t recognize either . My husband talked me into retiring- I am still young(57) and should be out there with people working. BUT I thought I needed to stop since I had worked steady all my life- I do think Health wise it paid off- But the kids are not there for me the way I wished- Hubby is so happy to have me bake pies and provide an endless variety of meals- (when I was working I gave up pleasing him so much). I do feel that being left home without connections makes me overlooked by society too. I hate seeing commercials with young families because it reminds me of what I miss- the joys of being a Mom- how fast it came and went. BUT now I am a NaNa- also my oldest daughter is expecting twins!!! I will try to move on and still appreciate my role as a MOm but in a different way- Good luck – I think this blog is a start to see that you are not alone- PA