with Natalie caine

June 17, 2009 | by Natalie Caine | No Comments

Graduations are ending.  A new reality sets in for parents. It is getting real that in eight weeks or so, children will be taking the leap away from home.

A dad called saying he feels desperate to have fun this summer with the family. Conflict is that his children don’t feel desperate or even available.

Kids that are filling the nest from college break don’t feel desperate either.

What to do with the differences in needs?

1. Talk with your partner or a friend about what’s up for you.  Being heard does help in sorting and reassessing all the layers of thoughts and feelings.

2. Pick something that is top on your list, example movie on a weekend, bbq night, day trip up the road, visiting grandparents.
Negotiate your needs and theirs.

3. Reality check.  You won’t like this, but truth is, they have a different life agenda for the summer than you do and they get a big vote. Tell them you understand that. 

4. Parents do better during the summer when they drop expectations and focus back on their day and evening.  Changing your plans in the hopes children will be home or grab a meal together builds resentment.  They didn’t ask you to change your plans.

5. No labeling.  Calling your children, “flakes, slobs, selfish,” doesn’t keep them home. Remember those I statements you learned at the beginning of parenting classes.  I miss you. I hope we can do something together.  I am free after seven. I am feeling left out of your life.

6. You aren’t a saint and you aren’t a punisher. You will lose it with yelling and name calling. Say sorry as fast as you can and keep the explanation brief but accountable. You are still a role model for them.

7. Naming behavior works, “Your wet towel is on the floor. There is no gas in the car. Your music kept us up last night. I didn’t get a text from you.”  You pause after you say it. Usually they get it and they say something really fast to ease the pain. Hopefully they say something that helps and not defends. Either way, they hear you.

What conflicts have you had and how are you coping? 

Enjoy your summer,
Natalie

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