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I Didn’t Expect This in My Empty Nest

February 3, 2010 | by Natalie Caine | 3 Comments

I feel lousy. I rarely see my children. I can’t afford to fly there nor can they fly back home.
The dread is they don’t really think about getting together as much as we do.  I feel guilty about needing to be around them. Do other parents feel this way? 

My image of family is time together. I can’t shake that. Family is number one for me in terms of meaning in life.  I have tried every hobby and get away.

My conclusion is I like family. I don’t want to adopt or do for other families. I want mine while we are all still well and able to be together.  I don’t think moving near them is the answer because it feels too uncertain. Uncertain money wise and if it would still give me family time, if that isn’t important to them.

We have had many talks about my feelings but no conclusions.

Does anyone have these feelings and how did you solve the situation?

Thanks for being here on this website of empty nesters.

Carrie

3 Responses

  1. pam says:
    February 6, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Carrie, I feel EXACTLY as you do. MY children are now married and they live far from us. I can drive three hours to get to my daughter’s house or fly to my son’s home(seven hours away). I was always centering my life around them. I traveled to see my mom and dad who also lived far away.When I was young. I never stoped thinking I should spend time with them. NOW my children have families of their own. But they don’t try to come to their childhood home often(only once or twice a year) I used to think it was because we live in a small town and they can’t find a shopping mall to their satisfaction. I don’t want to nag- and I am sometimes wishing I could entertain them in my home. I have done my best to bring this up to them- but to no avail.I now have tried to adopt an attitude that it’s OK and I will fill my life with other more selfish pastimes. I am going to make new traditions. Say no when they want me to drive so far to see them twice a month- I am not going to get myself caught up with this emotion of emptiness- I am only hurting myself and they don’t even know their part in it- they are too young and not mature to see the consequences. I am trying to think of it as a new journey of self- awareness. I have a husband who does his own thing all the time. I am trying to find my niche. I think one baby step at at time- it will take time because it took a lifetime for me to get so motherly and nurturing that all I did was serve their every need. They DON’T need me now. So I have to face it. Good luck- Pam

    Reply
  2. Sue says:
    February 6, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Carrie,
    I wanted to move near my daughter and also felt like you. Once my kids left and have moved,I contemplated going to her home town. They are on the outskirts of a city and it offers so much more than our area , which has high unemployment and is hurting in this recession. But since we are retired our income is slighlty reduced- we will not get the top price for out present home and the cost of living near my daughter would be 3X higher I’m sure, Then after we would settle there my husband would hate it( he is recovering from cancer) so then it would bother me more.Also if you move near your children you never know if they will move again . Then you are like a nomad following them??? I have given up of being near them and my heart is hurting- feeling like I’m missing out. I know your predicament.

    Reply
  3. brian says:
    February 8, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    I am in the UK and have been totally bowled over by
    my feelings now our youngest is at Uni. Being the homemaker meant I had a lot of contact with them.
    Our youngest, a boy, has Aspergers Syndrome so I was constantly running around after him. Despite being on “average” income for the Uk we took the decision to educate him at a private school because of his condition. The only person not to think this a good idea is our bank manager!!
    The house is empty and as my spiritual director has told me “its like a bereavement”
    The nice thing to know that this is a problem shared by others and not me being silly. When he moved out last September it brought my S.A.D. on
    earlier and worse than normal.
    Just noticed its 23.30 so will sign off for now
    and try to get some sleep.

    Reply

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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org