“I’ve tried volunteering, book groups, swimming, and of course my work, but nothing is relieving me from missing being their daily parent.” This is one of the statements parents share with me while traveling this challenging transition.
Our mind has the shoulds and coulds chattering away. The heart weeps and feels comfort from others. You aren’t screwing it up. You are on a personal journey of grieving the role you loved living, and getting to know yourself without the top label of parent. Who are you beyond being mom..dad?
Empty nest is a road of feeling what you are feeling, reviewing relationships that feed you and ones that deplete you, discovering creativity and joy that had to go on the back burner until you had some free time, assessing what needs attention and learning to shift your role with your children. Time matters. Fantasy that you should be over this sorrow already is just that…fantasy.
You lived the role for eighteen years so why wouldn’t it take time to get to know your new self and to weep for what you won’t get back or have in the same way?
Good news is there is a joy and freedom you can’t imagine on the other side of this major role in your life. Parents share how they love not being interrupted, trying something just for themselves, taking tiny risks to meet new people, leap to a vacation, learn a language or the arts. It is not about comparing yourself to what others are doing. It is about GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF. You have never been on this road.
A mother this weekend told me it took her two years to get happy since her daughter left for college. Soon she will be home for summer break and she isn’t sure how that will go for her. She’s not wanting to go back to the role she played as mom. She will always be mom and at the same time, she wants her freedom.
I wish I could tell you three things to do to get happy in the empty nest, but that would be misleading. This is your journey. The paradox is there are thousands of parents wondering what’s next, how do I cope, who can help me, how do I have an adult relationship with my kids, where is my community, do I want to stay in this relationship?
Spend time in gentleness with yourself and choose three things a day that lifts you. Tears will fall. Normal for sure. Reach for help. Each day is different…not a straight line journey.
The surprise is once you find new parts of yourself, that propels other connections and interests. You drop some and peek into another. The kids come back and you have to shift roles again and hopefully your muscles are stronger in knowing who you are and aren’t at this stage of life?
Complex transition. I think of myself as an orchestra. Within me are different sounds that need to be heard. Give them a stage. You will be surprised when you listen to yourself without the critic and comparisons of what should be.
It isn’t easy. It takes research, trial and error, and sometimes a push to get to know yourself. All worth it and not a guarantee that now you will be peaceful and happy. No one has the history you have or the family you raised. Each of has the longing to be part of like minded people, feel vibrant, be loved and give love.
A mom told me, “I feel like I have been retired from my role as mom and I DON’T WANT TO RETIRE.”
A dad shared he stopped starting his day with the news and began with stepping outside to simply be in THE BIGGER PICTURE OF LIFE. After coffee, he showered and headed to work.
Little experiences are sweet. They, too, build memories.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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