I am circling rather than stepping into my new free time. Like an airplane not permitted to land, I am hoping to not run out of fuel before I get down to my new life. I prepared for this time without kids but that prep was in my head. “I will be fine. Sure tears and some loneliness in not hearing or seeing them every day, but fine, really fine.”
I have a partner, career, home, some savings. I don’t have a clue of how to not miss my kids. I feel stuck because I don’t want them on my mind , I don’t not want to care about them and I don’t know if I should call or they should set a time to call. Should I mentor kids? Should I plan a trip for the holidays for all of us? Should I what?
I tried some therapy but no connection for me there. I need to find someone who has been in the empty nest. I just want time to not like this time of my life. I want to tantrum like those kids of mine got to do. I want some time back for the park, school fairs, sleep overs, soccer, shopping at the mall for the party dress, visiting colleges, funny words they would make up , loud music and cell phones being lost and mostly those cuddles in bed with a book and chopping salads in the kitchen. Oh and the questions they would ask in the car, in their room…just those wonderful innocent questions about success, sex, dating, parties, the moon.
Will I remember them as little people? Will I forget their high school teachers and school parent parties. I think I will and that bothers me. Will I be a grandparent before my aches and pains limit me? Will they be good people in the world? The world needs good , caring, responsible people. Oh, will I like their partner and in laws? Will they live in a foreign country and I won’t get to see them whenever I want to. Oh no. That can not happen to me the mom.
Who can tell me what I will be when I grow up now? I mean grow up into the non parenting days of my life? We had this structure every day and night and weekends of activities and people and now we have silence, empty dates on the refrigerator. We have five days with no telephone connections or emails . Five days. No calls, could be longer as they move more into their structured life. I don’t want to be one of those needy, naggy moms who just want to know how their children are doing. Sounds so old.
How do I be a mom now when they are more adult? I never thought of that question until now. Sure, I know how to talk and listen to my children but I don’t know for sure what to ask for, when to respond or step into their life rather than them stepping in for themselves. That sounds ridiculous. I just don’t know how to word it. I don’t know when to give money or not. I don’t know what to do if I don’t like their dates that they bring for a visit when they do come home. I don’t know what is ok for me to ask for from them. Oh I sound so little. I am right now. Where is my leader for parenting these children?
I need to bring out BRAVE ONE and just tell them I don’t know what I don’t know so help me out. Share the conversation with them and see where it goes, I guess. But I always felt like I had to know as the mother. I don’t know, now. I need to talk with other moms whose of adult children , well that is what they are called , but really, they aren’t adults. I am just suppose to say that and treat them that way.
College and the work world has taken them right where they wanted to go. I forgot to figure out where I am supposed to go now. I was just too happy and busy , most of the time, to think about that question. Anyhow, I would have been in my head only about that question. My heart beats too and today it is off rhythm.
Do you have any suggestions?
New mom as an empty nester. Where is our play group?
Thanks,
Empty Mom
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
I hear ya, my daughter and granddaughter left 6 months ago. I was so lucky to help raise my grand-daughter for 3 years while my daughter got her self in a better place. She got married, thought she would live nearby and they moved to Washinton. My son is in Houston and now, nothing. Everything I loved to do like training horses, music, art, martial arts, etc.., has no passion in it. I come home and yearn to have my girls put thier arms around me. I have even thought of moving to Washington, but I know she doesn’t want that, heck, I didn’t either. Its been 6 months and everyone says “get over it” but my heart just won’t beat with out them here. Im stll young and very active but now I feel so lonesome. How are you coping?
Des- Still waiting to move on.
Your story is so hard to read because it reflects so many of my own feelings. My son has been at college for one year. He’s back for the summer and even worse, we are moving to another state. I can’t forgive myself for feeling as though I am abandoning him. The guilt and shame! His father still lives close to his school and will provide plenty of support, but he’s not the mom!
I feel that same frozen feeling. Like circling not wanting to land. It’s not about being around kids, but about being around my kid. I keep looking for a new start and fresh surroundings to get my mind off of my feelings. Nothing helps.
Good luck and keep your chin up!