People stop and stare at this painted building in San Francisco. An empty nester mom said to me, “I was never allowed to paint on a building and I am an artist.” What do you wish you were allowed to do without an authority saying, “NO, you can’t do that.” Who do you project “authority” to rather than checking in with yourself about your values and needs?
A couple shared with me that their son just graduated and is heading to college. They let themselves celebrate this milestone with tears and champagne, surrounded by friends, family, and an abundance of his favorite pizzas and chocolate cakes and cupcakes.
I want to suggest that over the summer you make the time to reflect on what good you have done in raising your children. Do it more than once. I wrote myself a letter on what I loved about the way I parented. It was only for me to read. It ignited me into memories like the time the two of us camped near a beach thinking we would cook outside , pitch a tent, count stars and give them names, when in reality there were too many bees, we camped too far from the beach and couldn’t walk there, and our tent was pitched under rocks.
I reflected on the evening she went to a party, age 13, dressed up and scared to walk into a famous hotel by herself. I didn’t walk her in even though I wanted to help her out. Helping her was letting her legs shake and make it into the lobby by herself where friends were chatting with presents in hand.
I also remember the time I should have said no and didn’t. She forgot her books in her locker and I had to drive her back to school to get them. Do you think this is the first time I did that drive after work? Oh no, even though I said I wouldn’t do it again, I did.
The list is long of memories and I am happy to revisit them no matter how old I am or she is, so let yourself enjoy what you have done as parents and what you might do this summer. Mostly, I hope you enjoy the times together and stop yourself when your head runs like a train with worry or disappointment. You have been disappointed before and you are still standing. You can begin to make a dream list for what you will do with free time even if it doesn’t happen. Dreaming is vibrant and playful. Dreaming leads to new creativity and builds hope for your life beyond parenting.
Looking forward to hearing your stories,
Natalie
Email Natalie, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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