with Natalie caine

September 27, 2010 | by Natalie Caine | No Comments

I planned for his college.  I planned when he was in ninth grade for me to look at being an empty nester.  I looked.  I couldn’t relate, really.  Yes, I started taking a knitting class then to have a hobby and meet people after work.  Still, I had no idea about this sadness I feel.  Silence around. Not being asked for help or come to the game or can they have dinner here and sleep over?

It is as if conversation died.    Where is that guy and what is he doing today?  Maybe you don’t feel this way as a parent, but I feel like it is over.  Now I need to look at myself in the mirror and say, WHO ARE YOU , NOW? 

It is not, let me share with you, that I don’t have a full, happy life.  I do.  I don’t have parenting daily.  I don’t have my son, my son to share what’s up with him and his life.  It just disappeared at the college dorm.

Parenting was day and night even if he was out of town, he wasn’t a college kid.  New identities.  How am I supposed to be a distant parent?  How should I act when he comes for holidays?

What are the new rules and guides?  Honestly, I think I will figure it out when he is home and says, “Don’t ask that stuff, mom.”  “Don’t email so much. I don’t have time to read them. I feel bad, so don’t do it.”

I was the leader.  Now I bet he will be and with a louder voice.

I don’t feel like choosing what to do now.  I feel like doing nothing until something is too good to say No to.

I just don’t want to have a plan now.  I have had plans for years as a parent.  I like the empty refrigerator.  I like less laundry and shopping.  I like no interruptions.  I don’t like being a distant mama.

Do you ever wish you had a friend on their campus that could share a little gossip or at least a, “He is doing great today..?”  Why aren’t other parents talking about these weird thoughts and feelings we have?  I do not want to be the one to talk about aging now, but yes, that is a thought too.  Complicated life.  Uncertain for sure.  Done and not done as a parent.  He might not be successful at college and oh my come back with sorrow to his bedroom.

For now, he is there.  I am here, totally confused about this life of distance.  I like all of you, try not to text or email… Sometimes I give in to that need.  What are you doing with this distant parenting feelings and uncertainty?  At least there is someone to ask.

Thanks,
THE DISTANT PARENT