with Natalie caine

February 14, 2012 | by Natalie Caine | No Comments

I am a mom. I am not an empty nester, yet.    My son is going to college.  I can’t think about the returning, although it helps in the back of my mind.  Today I know my son, my first baby, my only child, is living the dream of heading to college.  I am proud of him.  He worked hard.  Slipped a bit on making the grade and then hit the study zone because he is a a child learning.    He will be far away starting in August.  Where will I be?  I think the tears of goodbye are probably worse than how I will really feel. It has been this buildup of to do lists and applications and tests and grades and extra points and and…  Yes, his responsibility but it spilled on me because I love him.  I just feel at times that all is too fast for me now.

I am a good mother and he a good son, most of the time. We have had loud conflicts and those times I was ready to shut the door and say see ya.  Will I say see ya in August?  I doubt it.  I will weep in pride and weep the gone days of morning and night at home together.  He will come back. We will adjust to hello and goodbye. I will be older. He won’t even be thinking about his age.  This change is showing me I don’t have forever, so I need to get on the horse and ride my dreams, now.  What are my dreams?  Mothering has taken my sleep, money, time, but mostly has given me the smiles of watching a life grow big and bigger and bigger.  His life.  What will mine be in August?  I can’t honestly feel into not having that mom routine. Not real, yet.  Real when I weep that he won’t be here.  I might even like not watching the clock wondering if he is home, yet.  I won’t miss the days I drove him everywhere, but it seems those were some of our best connections.  I won’t miss the late nights.  I won’t miss, “where are my socks for the game?”  Will I?

There has been parent competition, unspoken, of who gets into what college.  How good and special are you really?  Is my son better than yours?  Is my daughter more in demand with scholarships than yours?  Of course, no one says it, but you feel it at parent meetings or running into each other in the market.  I actually thought of lying about his accolades, but that makes me small or does it make me wise?  I won’t miss the he said, she said, they have, we have.   I will miss his friends.  I wonder if I will stay in touch with the friends I have now or does that end?   No more book club?  I don’t know.

I have so many stories about being a mom.  I have none about emptiness ter.  What a strange word for this change of life, empty nester.  I don’t like that word because of the trivial image of a nest and bird flying away.  Parents are more than nests.  Our children aren’t birds.

Who will I be?  I just hope I have someone to talk to and someone to say,” you aren’t losing it, I feel that too.”

Katie