A mother called in a panic that she had a fight with her son and he walked out, slamming the door. He leaves in three weeks for college. She feels he has already left. She wept.
You will make mistakes in parenting. Sooner than later, both will feel better with a real apology. Not the unrealistic one that says I will never do that again. Sorry, Sorry. I will do better. Sorry, Sorry.
If that has worked for you than great. If not, maybe be more specific in your apology by digging deeper into a conversation with yourself. What was up for you then? What have you been feeling? What have you been thinking about daily? You want access to the deeper conversations with yourself. For some it is questions that open that path, for others it is getting outside for a walk, some write, pray, ask for help, etc.
Each blow up with someone you love can help you learn more about who you are and aren’t. New action, which research now shows, takes about 21 DAYS shows you it isn’t instant.
One family decided to remind each other that they are working on, for example, listening more rather than jumping in to solve a situation. Another shared that they get really anxious before the big hug goodbye because the fear is worse than the reality of goodbye. Their behavior is to try and control more. They are practicing reality checks during the day in the sense that life without their daughter at home won’t be as horrible as they imagine. They will be alright and crying is expected.
It was interesting to me that three clients I have all were looking for new jobs with the same behavior that wasn’t working for them. They weren’t using resources like resume experts, asking friends and family for contacts, or getting face to face with people during the week and weekend. They were using Facebook and craigslist. They didn’t have a card to give that included their phone number and name and then adding a note on the back of the card, tailored to that specific connection. People will wait while you write something for them on the back of your card.
It just was a habit they had to only look online. Once seeded with new ways to transition, they got to it. They needed to add to their day, exercise, compassion, and perseverance. The big tip was not to take it PERSONALLY when they got a NO. Keep going. Assess any changes you need to make in your presentation, expectations, and references. We talked about rejections actors and authors get and they still pursue their passion. You can develop other parts of yourself so your whole identity isn’t the worker bee.
Who doesn’t need inspiration when changing behaviors? No matter how old you are, you land in spots where you feel stuck and disappointed. What seems to help you shift a behavior? What are you saying inside your precious head that just might not be true?
Here’s to practicing new behaviors and catching yourself sooner when you detour?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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