Holidays, traditions, people around the table and those who are no longer here, reflect that change happens. How do you cope?
Over and over, what seems to help is to be with whatever you are thinking and feeling. In our groups we practice knowing when to say stop, enough spinning the story and when we need to keep speaking.
There is no right way or rule. There is the truth that telling our stories is healing. When you are getting exhausted from your story or bored, maybe that is a clue to turn in another direction. Ask those you honestly trust for feedback about what they think would help you.
Sitting in change is uncomfortable. It helps to be open to what might help you. You don’t have to know what the helper is. You can ask for help out loud or within yourself, “Please help me lift this sorrow. Please help me get through this challenge of saying goodbye by knowing I will be OK. Please guide me in ways that are best for my growth.”
You will find your words. It is the intention of asking for help and not the perfection of the words. A deeper level in asking is that you are connecting with yourself and learning more about who you are and who you aren’t today.
A woman shared with me that this year her daughter is leaving for college. They are so close. The holidays are around the corner and she feels caught in wanting to be in the mother role of making a beautiful holiday and another part of her wants to just weep.
She discovered she was putting too much focus on THIS IS THE LAST ONE rather than cooking and decorating in ways she loves and allowing herself to enjoy the chopping and mixing together in the kitchen. She was leaping ahead and might later regret she didn’t enjoy this time together.
Don’t we all do that at times? She is practicing holding both: Yes the rituals of the holidays may change next year AND we get to be together now.
You will be able to handle what changes arrive even if you don’t like them. You just forget that you have handled changes before. You will be more than OK in the unknown, not knowing what is going to happen.
Give yourself permission to simply be human…not super mom, dad, aunt, grandmother, uncle, etc. Be who you are. You are loved. Remind yourself that you have loved them well and they do know it.
Allow yourself to feel all that you and collapse, as well as stand tall, again. These repeats while in the unknown, collapse, and then stand again, over and over.
Rest when you can. Take in the holiday celebrations by looking at the beauty around you and the faces of those gathered.
If you are solo, do a ritual for yourself honoring this fresh SPRING from seeds you planted and can still plant. Appreciate yourself. Weep and celebrate the life you are today. Next holiday might not be the same.
I remember a teacher once said to me, “WE THINK SUFFERING IS A BAD THING. THAT WE ARE BAD IF WE ARE SUFFERING. SUFFERING IS PART OF LIFE AND HAS NO JUDGEMENT.”
May Spring Bloom for you in unexpected happy places,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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