best transition ever: grandparenting
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with Natalie caine


If You Want To Love Me, I Need You To Know My History

March 17, 2015 | by Natalie Caine | One Comment

Trees_in_Forest_1070601

With the permission of the group and not revealing any names, I share with you:

In our woman’s group, we began with that sentence.  Each woman wrote a line and passed it around the table, adding on, not stopping to read.  Kleenex on the table, white unscented tall candle lit, circled by yellow daffodils, chocolate mints and apricots in bowls, coffee and tea.   The paper moved quickly in the beginning…

1. I am an only child who walks with crippling perfectionism.
2. I am an over doer, little feelings for me. Just keep me busy.
3. I was married five times.  I am not a failure.
4. I had an abortion. No regrets
5. I drank for fun. Still seeking fun.
6. I never really loved my partner for more than two years. Should have left. Feared being lonely. I was only 28.
7. My parents slept in separate bedrooms. Why?
8. My brother could do no wrong.
9. I let boys kiss me.
10. I was such a good girl that now I want to be bad, a little bad.
11. I always wanted to make a difference in the world and instead chose to be home with our kids.
12. I feared God.
13. I change my outfits way too many times before I get out the door.
14. I get anxious when I go to work.
15. I survived a life threatening illness when I was very young.
16. My parents divorced and I don’t know why.
17. I just didn’t feel like anyone knew me.
18. I wasn’t smart so I kept quiet.
19. I wasted my college years.
20. I never had that true best friend.

Meadow_View_1070711As the book of papers rounded, again, the room got quieter.  The pauses were longer.  No reading.  Writing only.

• I was a couch potato and hate that no one in my family encouraged me to get outside and move. Bad habits are hard to change. There I said it, I blame them.
• I always had to do more chores than anyone else.  Don’t get that. Now I want others to do for me. Take care of me. Don’t yell at me.
• I was never chosen to be on any teams. Insecure about belonging.
• I was the leader right after college.  Could someone else take the lead?
• I don’t understand why people don’t invite me over. Why don’t they call after we have been together? Sick of it.
• I get too many ideas and never really get going with any because I want a winner first. I’ve been burned with collaborating.
• I just have trouble trusting that it is worth it.
• I get caught in comparing myself to others.  Not just looks, everything in life.  I drive myself crazy sometimes.
• My kids aren’t as nice as I wish they would be. I wasn’t either as a kid, nice so much. I was needy and dramatic.
• I have always been a really hard worker and still I don’t feel special.
• I was raped in my twenties and only told my room mate. I don’t like to remember.
• Parenting is exhausting because they seem to never get unselfish.
• I go back because it is too frightening to go forward. I know he won’t rise up and say, I love you so much. I will do anything. You have done so much for me.
• Someone poisoned my dog. I just can’t get another pet.
• I don’t like being older because my body is slower and unpredictable with pains.  I don’t talk about it.
• I pretend I like eating alone.
• I worry about my kid because she isn’t dating.

There were more vulnerable words. Some may not sound like their HISTORY and to them, it is THEIR HISTORY.  It is theirs to be responded to. They want you to KNOW them.  They want to know THEMSELVES better.

I read them out loud when we finished.  If someone wanted to STAND because they felt that too or wrote that, they could. HUG time.  Then we all talked and added some WISDOM and CONDOLENCES.

Red_Flower_1080096One of my favorite things is gathering for SUPPORT.  Diving a little DEEPER in our CONVERSATIONS, sharing food, and feeling we BELONG.  I honestly feel honored that they allow me to facilitate their circles and be a part of their lives. Don’t we all want meaning in life no matter what our age is!

Stay connected and take care,
Natalie

 

 

Natalie Caine M.A.

Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (310) 454-0040
Los Angeles

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One Response

  1. Beth says:

    I can relate to many of these. Thanks.

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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org