Hi,
I just came back from Family Weekend at my son’s college. It was like old and new times but I didn’t realize until I got back home, that I didn’t plan for the future.
Sure we plan finances, and house care, and vacations, and health resources, but nothing for empty nest.
Why didn’t we hear about this cycle of our life where so much is suddenly lost but not found as rapidly?
The books don’t really address the unspoken issues of other loses and aging and what now Alfie? They seem to list or tell stories, which are what I am doing now, but I just want to feel part of a group where it is little by little that I have the energy to start something new or not.
I think I am a little clouded by getting older and not liking those numbers on the cake. I am healthy and have friends and work. I just want something and can’t name it now.
I am still sad that those days of being mom are different and at the same time happy that he is happy and that I know I will find my new happy or new normal as they say.
I really want to have people to talk with who are in this change or have been in it but don’t push me to volunteer or get over it. I am not over whatever the IT is.
I do believe I will have a new day to day without being the mom and be happy in it. I have been through losses with my parents and sort of miss them today. That is another story but today. I just wanted to write and see if other people relate to my words.
I thank you for listening to my today story and thank you for offering a place to put it. I feel normal on your website.
Meredith
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
Hi-I’m not sure if I’m doing this replying thing right, but thanks for your letter and I totally agree with everything you said. I read somewhere lately that Empty Nest hurts more than actually giving birth did because you are left with nothing-you don’t even have a baby to take home! I also don’t want to hear the advice to take a class, join a club, etc.-I don’t want to hear any more cliches-just tell me how to stop crying seventeen times a day! Thanks again and take heart that we are struggling right along with you.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN AND IM NOT EVEN QUIET THERE YET. I JUST CRIED LIKE A BABY AT MY SONS LAST HOMECOMING PARADE. HE SAVED MY LIFE AFTER HIS SISTER PASSED AWAY AND IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE A DEATH TO ME AGAIN. I KNOW SOME WOULD SAY TURN TO YOUR HUSBAND BUT HE PRETTY MUCH QUIT ON LIFE AFTER OUR DAUGHTER DIED. I GUESS ALL WE CAN DO IS A LOT OF PRAYING BUT IT STILL HURTS.
Oh, it is such a comfort to see other mothers struggling with the empty nest “loss”. I totally agree that this transition involves an “it” that is hard to put a finger on. I don’t believe any mother can plan for this transition because the emotions involved are complicated. It is trial and error finding out what works and learning to go forward in an unfamiliar role. I too get exhausted with friends and family that say “suck it up”, “get over it”, and of course “get involved”. Well, this is grief for goodness sake and it has to be processed! Thanks for sharing everyone…makes me feel normal too.
Hi all,I am right there with you!! It seems that this journey we are all on is not something you can just ride out alone- It’s the most lonely , empty ride we ever get to experience. I think that even the children who you raised and cared for so long -don’t even have a clue that you are hurting as much as you really are. (They are busy getting on with their lives- which you know is the best thing for them to find their “niche” in life) So you carry guilt too. You don’t want to make them feel bad by telling them all that is bothering you.I am making some progress lately- I have to admit that I am indulging myself in doing only the things I want to do- I have stopped cooking like a gourmet chef- My husband needs to get over an untidy house once in awhile. I have tried to stimulate my mind and will continue to stay on this course. Best wishes to all of you!
I so related to what was said about being in the loneliest place I’ve ever been. I got remarried, moved, my youngest went into the military, I lost my family home because my ex did not keep up his end of the bargin and stopped paying the mortgage and I was unable to, and now after moving here and working full time, I lost my job 9 months ago…..Lonely does not begin to describe it!!!! We moved because after my new husband and I got married, he lost his job and the only job offered was here, which is rural and I am from a metropolitan area….sometimes I think I will just go crazy and wish that God would just take me home. I’ve tried making new friends but have no connection point except church and really although I volunteer there I have not connected with anyone; everyone knows everyone around here and I’m not in the loop. I work out a few times a week but again the same story, they seem to think since I’m 52 that I should be happy knitting or something and I feel like I need more. Going to interview after interview and being rejected over and over is killing what small self esteem I had left. I have started putting on weight and drinking too much wine, which has just made me more down in the dumps. No money to spend with just one income, nothing to do….YIKES
Hi Kerry, I am able to identify with your feelings totally. I am from a city area and moved to a rural place. People do tend to exclude you- I felt for years that they thought I was a snob or too city-like for them . I had to work in shelters or church missions and it took a long time(years) to get them to accept me. Keep up with trying to get a job there. You will make new friends that way-on a job. I am out of work now- I still belong to organizations- and do community service- but there is always a void without family nearby. I am trying to open up new horizons. I think you are right to express yourself- you need to get rid of the pain. Good Luck and God Bless-