Hello,
I am single, love my career, but mostly love my children. They are on their way to being grownups. All are in college. It is great.
I knew the day would come and got previews of emptiness when they were rarely home, but it is not the same as them being gone for months.
I actually feel embarrassed that sadness visits me. It is not like I didn’t have a life outside my children. I am athletic and social, not isolated.
I make a good living not rich but not poor. Work life is fulfilling. Dating is good. Not being THE MOM or with THE MOMS from their high school, is a loss. I like that community. I get so happy when my kids call.
Something is for sure missing in my life. I do ok with not thinking about my kids or calling too much but some days, I feel immobile with the life I have.
I want to change not feeling like my life is enough or I am enough or that mothering meant more than all the other parts of my life.
Does anyone else have these thoughts? What helped to make the changes?
Thanks for letting me write to all of you.
Ellen
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
I want to share that after the last of my 3 children left for college,
I felt a profound loss and experienced a deep sadness. The challenge was not to discount the importance of these feelings. Being a hands on mother was an incredible accomplishment, a job that I embraced with my whole being. As that job comes to an end, I am finding that honoring that ending, feeling the emptiness is part of the natural cycle of life and in the end gives me a sense of wholeness. Our inclination is to want to move ahead without feeling our feelings. It is sad when our kids grow up and leave our home. This transition is a challenge for us. Grieving our loss is the way to heal the sadness and to move to the next phase of our life.
Talking about your sadness with a friend or supportive person can be helpful. Knowing that these feelings are natural and important can be helpful too. Cry if you want to. Journal about your feelings.
When you have truly honored your feelings, then a shift of growth will occur. Warm regards.
I have been greiving since my son started the process of going to college. He is a freshman and doing great. We are extremely close and always have had a special bond. I noticed he was pulling away from me in his junior year and in his senior year he totally asserted his indepdance. It was really hard and I didn’t know how to react or behave to that new atitutd from him. I heard it was normal, that that was what teens do – seperate, yet, I felt sad. I have 2 other younger kids, who are teens and going through the teen crap! I didn’t really focus on them or their pulling away as I was so focused on my eldest going off to college. Now that he is gone, the house is not the same. He was the glue. the other two kids want nothing to do with us except when they need money or food. It is so hard that I feel I’ve lost all of them and I am very depressed. I am sad and don’t know what to do with my life. I loved being a mom, loved being needed, loved managing their lives. I know it is important to let them “fly” and learn their own lessons in life, but my insides don’t feel the way my brain understands it. They are acting like typical teens and want nothing to do with us. It’s rally hard. I have a pit in my stomach and feeling a huge loss. My middle son who was never as open with me as my older son was is also a feeling of losing another kid. I am so sad and feeling depressed. My daughter is going to Israel for a semester in January, and i’ll only have my middle son home. I am happy for her and think it’s a wonderful opportunity that I would never take away from her,but I don’t know how I’m going to pull thru all this. I would love a support group or someone to talk to as I can’t control my feelings and cry at the drop of a hat.
Thank you so much for your comment. Four years ago, my son was abruptly called away for Marine Corps boot camp. That left my daughter and me together at home. In that time, I have remarried (my high school sweetie) and the three of us relocated to the Atlanta area. Last week (Monday), after two years of college here and online, my daughter left for basic training with the Air Force. My son, who was visiting for Thanksgiving, left the same week (Friday) to return to his base. I cannot even talk to my husband about how I feel because I feel as some 300 lb tear-filled balloon inside will burst open if I do. The quiet in this house is unnerving, and I can’t seem to even connect with television comedies I used to love. I actually feel LOST inside my own home. And when I open the door, it doesn’t even feel like my home anymore. All I seem to hear now are echoes inside my own head from the memories. I realize that I am grieving, and I appreciate your recognizing this as an important and REAL stage which needs to be dealt with before the “moving on” can actually happen. I really don’t know what to do, because I really don’t know what to do with MYSELF first. I’ve decided to take it slowly, one day at a time, stay quiet for a while, and focus on ME right now. My husband, albeit well-intending, has spent this first “empty” weekend filling our time with going OUT, keeping busy, going places, doing things. That’s fine, but now that he’s at work and I’m at home for the first time alone, it doesn’t take the grieving away. It moves in waves. I keep telling myself that other parents have gotten through this stage successfully, and so will I. If only I knew HOW. Until I figure it out, it will be one-day-at-a-time for everything I face.