OK, so I should be planning what I am going to do when I come back home from dropping my daughter off in mid – August as a Freshman. I should. I don’t. My list of what she needs and doesn’t need to take, what to do for fun and more bonding before she leaves, relatives, bank account, health kit, travel details, keeps me happily busy.
When I write this I act as if I am the one going off to college. Crazy me. I am just deeply in the last hoorah of mother role. Yes, she could do all this. I want to do it and she isn’t complaining, so far, except for plans to bond. She is into last minute choices not commitments a week out.
I don’t blame her. I am just holding the door knob so tight with both of us in her room.
She is not my first to go. My son leaped a year ago. Weepy mom slobbered on my shirt so he wouldn’t see me freaking out about GOODBYE baby boy.
I don’t even know what I should and shouldn’t be doing, let alone feeling. Honestly, I don’t think I would care right now. I just have to do what I have to do until she yells at me or I collapse. Collapse is the goal because it is a sure sleep success.
Will you help me after I come back from the hug goodbye? Will you tell me this is how parents feel and I will be ok? Will you help me find something that I care about with my free time? Will you just keep her happy and safe? Oh, you don’t do that do you? Well who does do that?
Keep in touch, ok? Swim and float with me when I get back home from her dorm.
Bye for now,
Mom on the verge of the biggest letting go she has ever been called to live.
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
Hello, Just read your post and can totally identify with every word. I’ve been dealing with this terrible feeling of loss for over 4 years now. My oldest child left home with my grandsons to live with her husband out of state, which was extremely heart wrenching to me. I felt like suddenly my role of mother was gone…now my daughter can take care of herself with little support from me. That’s really a great thing, because I tell myself that I’ve raised a child that feels safe and confident within herself to make choices to not only survive but to excel in this world without my constant guidance.
Now I have one child left…she is a senior in High School and doing so well preparing for college next year, and I’m immensely proud of her…so I’m constantly asking what my problem is? I’ve raised two self sufficient children that have the security within themselves to experience life and make choices for their future with confidence…what more can a mother ask for?
I suppose my problem is mostly that for so many years my entire focus was my children’s well being, and now it’s as if my life has come to a screeching halt…with no idea about the future life has or doesn’t have in store for me. What do you do when your main daily focus no longer needs you? I’m feeling utterly lost and certainly don’t have a clue as to what’s next and it’s a very scary place to be in. Add to all of that, my husband of 26 years is out of the country working in Afghanistan, so literally I am home alone with my cats and dogs. Am I finished with my input on this earth? I sure often ask myself that question…as I spent so many years focusing on children that I didn’t go back to school on a regular basis to prepare for the days when my children would be gone.
I feel like an old cat lady, just biding my time. I came here hoping maybe I could find like minded people. Maybe that will happen. Thanks for reading this
I also feel very lost. My youngest of 3 is a sophomore in college. Two of my 3 children are on the East Coast. We, my husband and I, are on the West Coast. My middle son, who is the most quiet and least communicative, is finishing college close to us. We just had all 3 home for the holidays and since they left a few days ago, I am a mess. There is such liveliness in our home when they are here. Now, it’s empty and quiet, just me and the dog, since my hsuband works long hours. I feel so lonely. HATE walking by the kids rooms. What makes it so difficult is when they are home, the actually enjoy spending time w/ me (and my husband), especially my daughter (the youngest). She and I are very close. Then she returns to college and I hear from her only sporadically (2-3 text/wk) when she’s having a bad day…so I worry. I can’t seem to stop thinking of her and hoping she is o.k. She had a very tough time first year at college and still isn’t very happy there, but will continue through graduation. I speak to my oldest son often. We are also close. I don’t know. Just have such feelings of sadness. Wish I could turn back time, spend more time with them, realize that they have moved on….have significant others. They’re leading their lives as they should and I’m very proud, yet it’s really hard on me to let go. Just feel sad. I do work p/t which helps….it seems most mothers carry on without much anxiety or sadness when their children leave. Don’t know why I am different. So yes, I feel your pain!!!!
Hi Ladies,
Just want you both to know that you are not “different” or crazy. This is another part of being a Mom that people didn’t tell us about. Remember when they were tiny and it was all so overwhelming? No one told us how hard it would be. This is the same thing, only they are not here anymore, and that is the hardest part. The sadness and confusion are all a part of this process, and boy do I wish I could cut mine short, but I can’t. My youngest son left in September. He moved to another state, and he hasn’t called since then. We were very close, and he picked a fight to move out. I think it was the only way he could do it. It hurts every day, but he is separating, and building his own life, and that is the only way he could do it. So…having said that, know that time makes things easier, and fill your life (when you are ready) with things that make you smile at least. The depression is tough, but ladies, we are tougher. Let yourself grieve, be tender to yourself, and this will pass. You should be very proud of all you have done. I will check back to see how you are faring. Until then, gentle hugs and know you are understood….