with Natalie caine

GOOD DAYS, BAD DAYS IN THE EMPTY NEST

3 Responses

1. Eva says:

   May 25, 2006 at 12:00 am

   Isn’t that the ultimate empty nest letting go…when they are scared and crying and far away. LIke a wave it settles down. Thanks for reminding all of us .Eva

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2. karen says:

   May 26, 2006 at 12:00 am

   this is such great websit to find… I have been reading it daily and want to thank all who make it possible. My “grief’ over my empty nest is similar to most of your with one exception. My son is a sophomore in college here in Indianapolis and chose to live with his dad here…he works part-time which is about a mile from here. My sadness comes from the fact that he doesn’t keep in touch at all.
   I initiate contact on the phone once a week hoping to get some vision of what his life is like. He has been living with his dad for 2 years now and I often wonder what I did to have him move out. I know he has a very busy life; he did remember me on mother’s day with 2 rose bushes… it takes every ounce of determination not to go to the Petco where he works and pick up some cat food, etc. just to see him. I feel not only like an empty nester, but rejected. He was angry when he moved out that I was going to get married I think. Seems like the moms who write about daughters have an easier time with them keeping in touch. I ache every morning when i wake up knowing that he won’t call or stop by. I know I sound like a baby myself when I hear about all of you who have kids away long distances! But somehow the ‘rejection’ I feel is so intense. I was never a smothering mom- taught
   him to be independent , etc…. but I feel that I deserve some morsel of courtesy… he says he is to busy to call once a week. Am I expecting too much when he is so close to home? He does not call this house ‘ home’ anymore- but rather his dad’s. I am not married. I am involved in alot of activities and work as a substitute teacher… summer is here tho and today is the last day of school. Thanks for listening! Karen

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3. jackie says:

   June 3, 2006 at 12:00 am

   Karen, I am a teacher too, so I know what the emptiness of summer feels like. I have 4 kids; my two sons live together in an apartment (ages 20 and 18); I still have 2 daughters at home (ages 11 and 13). I was divorced from their dad 4 years ago (it was a marriage of 22 years). I have remarried.

   I know what you mean about the feeling of rejection, in addition to the empty nest syndrome. When my sons first moved out, my oldest never called or visited. My younger son did drop by and call often. Now, a year later, the oldest one calls almost daily and the younger one never calls. So I wonder if it is just a phase they have to go through. Mine seem to be taking turns. Like you, I have asked myself a million times, “What did I do to run them off?” I have spent countless tears over them.

   My daughters, while still at home with me, spend lots of time with their dad (joint custody). He has many
   financial resources that I don’t have, so he is able to buy them lots of things, take them on trips,etc. I feel like the “boring” parent. All of my children feel pulled between the 2 of us; they feel obligated to try to give everyone equal time, equal visits. I feel the stress they are under.

   I constantly reflect on this whole thing, and I have come to the conclusion that this is mostly a woman thing (although I have just read about a grieving dad with the same emotions). At first, I thought that women who had gone through a divorce experienced a more difficult time.Especially with the feelings of rejection. But then I read about women in intact marriages, and the mother still feels deep pain that the spouse cannot always relate to. And sometimes they feel rejected, too. So it’s just a difficult “mommy” thing (or maybe only the women seek out other women to talk to). I don’t know where the pain stops. I
   haven’t found the end of it yet. Personally, I feel that I am a very nostalgic person; most of my life, I have found myself longing for some past time or situation that, in my memory, felt more comfortable and peaceful. So this habit of mine is not new. I keep telling myself that I need to learn to move beyond the past. It cannot be changed, and I certainly cannot return to it, no matter how much I long for it. Sometimes I just have to give myself a stern “talking-to!” I suppose that, at some point, I will move beyond this sadness. Another thing that I tell myself, the answer somewhat lies in reaching out…not just to focus on my pain, but to realize that others have many worse things in life to worry about…and that I should focus on what I can do to help others, and not always focus on myself. Then others will tell you that you should learn to focus on yourself! Who knows?

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