First let me say how wonderful it is to speak with people who say what they want to say and let themselves ask for help.
I was walking with a woman who was talking about her children each living in different cities. She thought she got that the holidays would be hard and treated herself to a manicure and flowers. She sent each plastic eggs with treats inside. I loved when she said, “I don’t care how old they are, I am mom and I do holidays.”
By the way, she also told me it was OK to not say her name and yes share parts of her story.
She planned lunch and dinner with a friend. Still she was surprised her tears fell. Good plans and good feelings. What she forgot to plan for is tears. They happen. They will continue to happen. You have had the holidays together for decades and it is even more challenging when you lose that and are divorced.
We can’t plan for tears to not fall. We can have one person as a lifeline when we need the comfort of chatting and being heard.
Not feeling stupid, wrong, crazy, out of control, or the shoulds of where we could be, is what one person, even a stranger could offer us. They can validate that your feelings are feelings and real for you.
Our time was planned but I want to pass to you that it is possible to reach for one person and it is just the right time that they can be there for you. It is also possible that everyone is busy and you are with you, crying. It really hurts and feels so lonely. I do promise it won’t last forever. Sometimes we are left with no choices in this change of letting go. I mean you would rather have someone to be with perhaps after days of loneliness and feeling down and still the reality is no one is available when you are hurting.
It has happened to me more than once and I imagine to you as well.
Think back how you comforted yourself and how you got through it. Maybe it added something to your inner resources as the tidal wave calmed. What do you think got added to you?
This is a silly example but it just happened. I am writing to you and my needy sweet cat wanted me. She is supposed to want love so I edit the word, needy. What she likes to do is sit right next to my computer and push my fingers off the keyboard. I do my thing of saying stop it, not now, I want to finish this. Later I can pet you. She keeps pushing my fingers off track. Duh, I get it. She wants what she wants and I want what I want. She is an animal. Doesn’t negotiate nor speak my language. I lift her off the table away from the computer.
Problem solved. My years ago self, would have found a way for her to sit on my lap or I would stop and play roll the pencil with her. SOUNDS LIKE PARENTING doesn’t it. We stop to give to them. We are used to being the care takers and givers. We need to focus back on our needs and self care and that takes reminders.
I think the grieving and other losses built new resources in me. That is for another story. How about you? What are you noticing that is positive about these changes you are living? Comment here or send me an email
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Take good care,
Natalie
800 446 3310
Los Angeles, Ca
www.emptynestsupport.com
Change happens and you don’t need to go through it alone
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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