with Natalie caine

July 11, 2010 | by Natalie Caine | No Comments

Do you wish you would win the WORLD CUP or simply be in the game of relationships?
Even when you are in the partnering you wonder, is this as good as it gets?

During the World Cup events, did you take sides or enjoy the games?  I think when you watch the games you begin to shout for a team that wins your heart. What made that happen in you? Intensity, trust, sportsmanship, honor, skill, focus, loyalty, the unexpected, the following, the smile on his face?

I know the relationship of parenting won your heart. The sorrow is, it’s over. Game over. Not true. It isn’t over when they leave the nest.  It is a major life shift in the role you play with your children as you empty your nest or sit in it. Parenting doesn’t end.

There are a bag of balls to kick around on the field of partnering. When the children leave, relationships get a review time….an update for where you are right now and where you thought you would be.  Hopes of tomorrow will be easier to talk about then how it is right now.  Right now isn’t forever. It is review time.  Course correction, over haul, or sad wave goodbye? Actually, all relationships are up for review when you are in this transition stage, but no rush to get clarity quickly. Pauses clear the field and see a new.

When you and your partner disagree about what your children need or should do in this life transition, guess what, that is to be expected.  You’re different.  You hear things differently and have different ideas and solutions based on your needs, values, and history of life. Some people ponder internally. Some chat and chat to sort their thoughts and heal the feeling of being out of control.  Some chat because it makes a connection and hopefully, intimacy. Some need to move when they talk others want to sit.  Some write it down. Others hate writing.

What can you do?

 You can shift and welcome new perspectives simply by listening to each other.  Sounds simple but feathers get ruffled and listening flies away.  Power struggles. Need for control pops up on your screen since you are feeling out of control with the change in your parenting role.   Loss and entering the unknown is deeply uncomfortable to say the least. No one wants to talk about the elephant in the room, which could be, WHAT WILL WE DO NOW without the bond of our children in the next room?  Will I like you?  Will you like me?   Will I want more time to play?  Will you want to work more for comfort?

Begin a conversation without having the goal be to solve the issues.  There is no winning.  There is team playing in partnership.  You want him to be happy. He wants you to be happy. 

Simply begin to say what you are thinking and feeling.  Set it up to listen and not solve.  Reflect what you hear.  Add inspiration. Action works.  Words fade when shifts don’t show up in the room and they become repetitive like that hamster on a wheel.

Celebrate that you are able to talk about uncomfortable issues and that you don’t have answers, yet.  Say what you need. Check during the week to see if that is showing up or did you toss it out the field because of habits?

Fill your cup with curiosity and compassion.

Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188, Los Angeles, CA