Natalie Caine was sitting at a senior class meeting in her daughter’s high school auditorium a little over seven years ago when she realized her child’s departure for college would leave her nest empty.
She remembers the prospect left her uneasy and disoriented, about the transition and the questions that were sure to follow.
What about when she returns the following summer? How does the relationship change?
Would it become a cuckoos’ nest or a happy one?
Many local parents doubtless are grappling with similar questions this summer as their college students return home to settle in for a summer back under their roof.
Caine, who has since founded an empty nest support service, spends her time helping parents smoothly flip to the next life chapter. The Los Angeles resident also coaches parents on how to restrike a domestic equilibrium with their returning student.
She says it all boils down to communication, flexibility and patience.
“The No. 1 thing in the summer is to be realistic,” she says. “He or she is not who they were before they left for college. They’ve had a lot more independence.
“Parents hate it when I say that, but it’s one of my number one tips: They lead now. You’re role is more of a mentor. They’re trying to grow up and be more adult like, so they get to lead.”
It’s a paradigm shift Christian Amaya, a 20-year-old recent Texas Tech graduate, discovered for himself three summers ago when he returned to his parents’ home in Houston after a year in Lubbock.
He had been back before, for Christmas and other brief breaks, but that first extended stay back reminded him both he and his parents were no longer the same as they were before he left.
“I definitely felt that difference where I come back home and I feel like, ‘OK. I no longer live here.’ But I did respect their rules,” he says, later adding, “It’s different. It’s definitely a transition. It’s an adjustment.”
Suddenly his college living situation, one in which he could do mostly as he pleased without affecting others, reverted back to a lifestyle in which he had to, say, account for other people’s schedules.
His parents both worked, so he had to be considerate not to come home at all hours. And when he did go out, common courtesy dictated he keep his parents posted if he would be back later than usual or if he would be staying the night with friends.
Amaya says the transition went smoothly, more so than it did for his older sister, who bumped heads with them a bit more.
She was, after all, a woman, he says, meaning his parents were more concerned for her safety. Also complicating matters was her age, 21, that allowed her to go out and drink with friends – whereas he has yet to reach drinking age.
He credits his smooth transition to what has always been a good relationship with his parents. That and a mature attitude to facilitate compromise, even if these subtle agreements were intuitive and rarely outlined directly.
For many, however, new boundaries may need to be clearly addressed, Caine notes. Not everyone has the Amaya family’s easy go at it.
“It’s just having the conversation, but it’s not about rules,” she says. “That’s where parents and kids get caught. Try to not think in terms of rules. Think in terms of negotiation and think of what your top wants are. Put it out there, say what you want and negotiate from there.”
It takes practice and plenty of trust, she continues, especially for parents reluctant to let go. The trick is to put the relationship in context.
Parents need to remember how they felt when you were their age – hold that thought.
And don’t shy from uncomfortable topics like sex and alcohol.
Layout the boundaries. Are co-ed sleep-overs OK? Is it OK to keep alcohol in the house?
These discussions often boil down to values and will go nowhere without maturity and honesty.
Parents should also remember not to take it personally if their son or daughter doesn’t, for instance, come home for dinner.
In fact, she added, don’t prepare dinner every day assuming they will come home unless plans are specifically made.
Which brings Caine to her next advice: Parents should maintain the same empty-nest lifestyle and schedule they enjoyed during the school year.
“Don’t give up focusing on yourself, parents,” she says.
Children rarely, if ever, mind. Normally they relish their parents’ newfound sense of self.
“I’ve never heard a student say, ‘Well, my parents aren’t spending enough time with me,’ ” she says.
Lastly, Caine says, remember to have fun and appreciate each other’s company.
Amaya did. He says the upside to life back at home – like, say, good food and family support – far outnumbered the challenges.
Another thought Caine says to keep in mind.
“The goal is to have a great summer together,” she says. “Have laughter in the house. It sort of takes the drama out of the kitchen.”
By Matthew McGowan
LUBBOCK AVALANCHE-JOURNAL
Posted: June 11, 2011 – 10:45pm
To comment on this story:
matthew.mcgowan@lubbockonline.com
leesha.faulkner@lubbockonline.com
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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