1. When I am going through a transition, self-talk steps in. “Natalie, how are you doing? No really, Natalie, how are you doing? What do you need today? Can someone help you or do you think you can give that need to yourself?” I just feel better when I check in with myself during the day and evening.
2. When I am stuck, I stay curious and compassionate. Even if I am not stuck, curiosity keeps me uplifted and compassion keeps me more relaxed. “I wonder why that person has to dominate the conversation.” “I did the best I could in the moment.”
3. Love starting my day with one cup of black coffee in my small garden wearing flannel jammies around six am. My self-planted garden is organic, and a surprise. I am still picking red tomatoes, but my basil is leaving. Dalia’s gone and fuchsia blooming. Can’t grab enough arugula and pick black kale. Hummingbirds and butterflies. What’s not to keep me from starting my day that way? My inner pusher who thinks I need to respond to emails now.
4. I know you hear it all the time and it is true for me too, I say what I am grateful for in a way that goes like this, “Thank goodness I feel great today.” “Thank goodness I work for myself.” “Thank goodness my daughter is happy.” “Thank goodness he loves his work.” You get the idea. I just need to remember what I am not suffering with today and what I love about my life. That works for a quick shift in attitude for me. I am that consistent with writing it down.
5. When I am making a decision, or shifting roles, I remember there are lots of parts inside me, like an orchestra. I bring them up to hear.
6. I have practiced for decades getting off the hamster wheel of thoughts that aren’t true in my head. I say, “Is that fantasy thought, reality thought, or from my past?”
7. I am a connecter, so I like to briefly touch in to say hello to people I love. Makes me happy. Sometimes a call, text or email.
8. I also love my solo time. I need it to nurture and hear me.
9. Change is inevitable, whether sudden or expected. I just let myself weep whenever I need to weep.
10, When I don’t want to go somewhere or do something, mostly because I am feeling vulnerable, I hold my hand and say something like,” You can do this. You just aren’t feeling as confident or energetic in this moment. It will pass. You love doing….so remember that right now and think about that.” Say, yes more than no if the no is coming from fear. It does invigorate me to do what I think I didn’t want to do, but that is a longer story for another interview. It is about knowing who I am and who I am not and pulling up new resources within. I know I have that little one inside me who just wants me to do nothing but stay home. I tell her “thank you for the reminder. I’ve got this one. You don’t have to do anything.” “This goes along with having different parts inside you like an orchestra. Some are too loud, too soft, and some are dormant and simply want a chance to be heard. I know when vulnerability rises, which some call fear, so I chat with myself about the plus and the minus of that decision, key is I do that chat while walking not sitting. Oh the tricks and treats we learn about ourselves!
11. I have a reality talk with myself so that my expectations get lowered and not inflated. When my daughter comes back home, for example, I practice being in my new role as her mom and allow her to be in hers. Oh that gets embarrassing sometimes because I love mothering and can slip into my old role, “Oh, don’t forget your sweater and bottle of water.” Really, I think she knows how to dress. I remind myself our rhythms are different, for example, I am an early riser who bounces out of bed and doesn’t need a wake up time to transition into my new day. I just have that morning energy. She is quieter in the morning. So I need to not ask questions and just be there in the kitchen or her bedroom with soft energy. Or better yet, let her find me when she wakes up…um not so easy for me, because I am excited she is home. Expectations need a check in for work, gatherings, family, vacation, love, etc., in order to decrease disappointments and hurt, don’t you think? We just have expectations that come without knowing who is doing the inner talk…the dreamer, the adolescent, the narcissist, the whiner?
12. I am better at making friends with the unknown. When I don’t have clarity or don’t know what is going to happen, I let myself know I have been through worse times and will be OK. I can trust myself and handle not knowing. When I am feeling restless, I call a friend for help or venting. When I need professional advice, I make an appointment. Who doesn’t need help at times? I think we forget it is normal to seek comfort and help.
13. I plan and do less when I am in a transition.
14. I use my words and ask others to use theirs. That sounds condescending. Sorry for that. I just get frustrated when people don’t respond or act passive. I do know we all have neediness, off days, fear, and confusion, so that compassion helps me forgive and let go. Just not worth staying in that dark room when I can’t develop.
15. When I am preparing for a transition I know will be right around the corner, like care-taking or kids leaving the nest, I say no to what doesn’t really need my attention, and yes to what I won’t get back again, like TIME, with me, with my kids, with someone who matters to me. Work is necessary. Work is fulfilling. Work is also a place to hide because it is familiar and less vulnerable. Time doesn’t come back. Love does. OK, enough of that philosophy message. You and I just need reminders and permission to pause and reflect, don’t you think?
Let’s do this again. You can email me questions you have or thoughts that are on your mind today.
Take good care,
Natalie
Life in Transition, What’s Next? Action to change
www.lifeintransition.org
natalie@lifeintransition.org
Los Angeles, CA
(818) 763-0188 or Toll Free (800) 446-3310
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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