She called in tears. I have to do everything solo. I am good at it and that doesn’t matter. I have a problem. I give and accomplish and get acknowledged. I feel lonely. The joy of doing the job well doesn’t fill the sorrow. She continued.
Friends call to support me and it is consistently with empathy. GO BEYOND EMPATHY. Do something that I don’t have to lead. Give something that you come up with. Lift me once in a while. She sobs now. Grieving is here.
Part of her story:
I have always been able to let others take over. Control and perfection aren’t my blocks. I am not a quitter. I have a cupboard of tools to feed my good and bad days. I get that I have added big smiles to people. I feel stuck in the snow of winter darkness.
I am sad that I don’t have a community of givers. I feel disappointed in people who act like they care and yet continue to exclude me even when I am somewhat confrontive about needing them to put some of their time with me on the table.
Oh, I am just having a tantrum today.
Who doesn’t have days when they feel nothing is going their way and loneliness feels so deeply painful. All that is real. Grieving the disappointments is needed. Weep and weep.
Share your unfiltered feelings and thoughts with someone you can trust. Take the time you need. What is so uncomfortable is feeling VULNERABLE. Hearing this part of you open. Feeling “needy.” Not being the wise, good person and now being the one who feels so sad and lost. Vulnerable for sure. The life you thought you would have isn’t visible.
IT IS A GIFT FOR YOU AND SOMEONE YOU SHARE WITH, to let yourself be just who you are in that day. It takes COURAGE and TRUST. Those words are often used, yet UNDERSTOOD when you act on them. NO ONE WANTS TO FEEL vulnerable nor sit in darkness. It hurts. It feels frightening that you are trapped in same-same.
What is TRUE is, IT DOESN”T last forever. You make new steps. You feel a lift after the underworld of grieving and loneliness. HOW? By feeling, expressing, and NOT judging yourself for who you are.
Yes, asking for help. Yes, finding something to nurture you, like being in the comfort of your bed and a movie. Yes, a warm shower. Journaling, walking, doodling, getting outside for something, etc.
YOU are so brave. YOU are so wise to be just who you are with vulnerability. Many people cannot go there. They haven’t built a bridge to their inner world. You have.
They haven’t gotten help to dive deeper beyond empathy. YOU HAVE. HONOR YOUR COURAGE. HONOR YOUR LIFE THAT MIXES ALL THE COLORS, expectedly and unexpectedly, attractive, and unattractive.
For me, in times of tears and doubts, I turn to nature, music, writing, TV, and a friend. I let myself FALL APART because I trust me. I am curious and I work at knowing more about who I am and who I am not. I rarely numb out or become unavailable to my feelings and thoughts. I sort what are unrealistic expectations and where I am allowing the critic to hammer me rather than stepping out of that room.
When people show you who they are over and over, do you think that is who they are? Do you stay too long at the fair? Do you spin rather than shift and look in another direction? What do you do and what don’t you do that might teach you more about you? Do you keep your foot on the pedal too long rather than turning off the key?
When you are in tears of sorrow and vulnerability, it is not a time to ask your deeper questions. WEEP WEEP……you will come up for fresh air. Dive deeper into yourself when calmness returns, don’t you think?
Begin to open to new parts of yourself that are waiting to meet you. Waiting to take your hand and sit beside you. Ask them to come find you. BE WITH ME. HELP ME NOW.
This is your precious life and you are loved, you are, truly, YOU are loved……
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
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