The road you have traveled for 18 years as parents is turning a corner, headed for a bridge.
What is the truth about what is on the other side of the bridge? What changes do you have to address in order to stay healthily connected in your new role and your adult child’s role with you? Does this change mean filling in free time or deeply discovering parts of yourself you had to put in the trunk?
Crying is mandatory. Ok, there are no rules, so forget mandatory. But I would bet tears will fall when you least want them plugging your nose and smearing your eyes. A mom recently called me from her daughter’s college orientation. We had talked several times before she left. Ellen was there with her husband and strangers as they moved their daughter into the dorm and met her roommate and family.
Ellen said, “Hi, we had a long day of parent orientation and then the bell rang. Five o’clock!!! John and I walked out of the gym where all the parents had gathered. The kids were headed to dinner and meetings with their new leaders and college students. We hugged right there, outside in the walkway before they followed their group in the opposite direction of where we were headed, which was the parking lot. I dashed into the restroom and sobbed. Other moms were there wiping their eyes and blowing their noses. It’s over. She is gone. All that preparation and excitement ended. Now what? We won’t see her until October when we come back here for Family Weekend. She really is a freshman. I just can’t believe it! I feel lost.”
Here are 20 tips for making the adjustment.
Change is scary even if it is for a joyous or a loss feeling.
Natalie Caine has been featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Wall Street Journal, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
Natalie was featured as an empty nest expert in a new article at Metroparent.com focusing on the effect of empty nest on fellow siblings.
“It truly affects everyone in the family – even the dog,” says Natalie Caine, founder of Empty Nest Support Services based in Pacific Palisades, Calif. “With siblings, it’s complex because on the one hand, they’re going to potentially be getting a lot more attention from their parents now. The contrast is realizing that – oh no – they don’t want this much attention.”
Read Natalie’s advice on keeping connected and fostering communications at Metroparent.com.
Graduation, an anticipated moment of joy and pride. “SAY MY NAME AS I CROSS THE STAGE, SHAKE MY HAND, SMILE, TEAR, CLICK A PHOTO and HAND ME THAT BLACK COVER DIPLOMA”. All that hard work, mistakes that I didn’t get punished for, disappointing my parents and siblings, silly friends, study groups, Spring Break, crazy times, hugging my parents in appreciation for them really caring about me, choosing a major that I am actually going to use in the world, kisses in the cafeteria corner, dashing across campus for a final, facts zooming in my head that I hope land on my paper, laundry that never dried, dark nights in the library, lost keys, the best years of my life, well I don’t really know if that is true or not yet. I do know, I feel excited and shaky to leave what I know.
Here is my wisdom to myself as I leave this safe community, routine, deep friendships, and unknown doors:
1. Please let me be creative.
2. Please don’t let me throw all this hard work away because I quit.
3. Please let me fall in love.
4. Please pay me well.
5. Please let me know what I think and not what they think.
6. Please teach me how to find my lost keys.
7. Please let me date a chef.
8. Please don’t let me get obese.
9. Please let my parents live forever.
10. Please let me screw up and not hate myself all week.
11. Please let me remember to open the door for others.
12. Please keep those parking tickets away from my car.
13. Please don’t let me be late.
14. Please just give me two best friends forever.
15. Please make me save money for that rainy day even though I love rain.
OK… so here is my short list of wisdom for my parents, now that I am a graduate:
1. Don’t email me. I don’t read them.
2. Don’t expect me to call Sunday at eight. Not going to happen.
3. Don’t ask, “Am I dating?”
4. Don’t talk so much. My turn.
5. Don’t forget to send a gift for my birthday, money.
6. Don’t wait for me. Go do your own thing.
7. Don’t expect this, that, and the other, and you will be happy with me.
8. Don’t not tell me bad news. I have Kleenex.
9. Don’t friend me on Facebook.
10. Don’t visit without calling first.
11. Don’t forget to remind me everything is going to be all right.
12. Don’t forget, even when I don’t show it or say it, I love you more than the moon.
13. Don’t forget, I am not the same age as you.
14. Don’t forget, I am a good person.
15. Don’t forget, I want to be a good person.
As for my siblings, you will figure it out. You are sillier than me. I am bigger than you. So let’s just stay on the same team. I need you. Now say you need me.
I am on my way. I want the best for me. I want the dreams I haven’t even dreamed to come true for me. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be a giver. I want you to like me, so if you don’t, just don’t tell me. I haven’t grown up that much. I need support and I need mentors. I need you to know, I will be OK. Thank you for being on my side.
I DID IT. THANKS FOR THE CELEBRATIONS ALL WEEK LONG. Now I have to clean out my storage unit.
APPRECIATE YOUR DAYS and NIGHTS, GRADUATES….
Thinking of you, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (310) 454-0040
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Wall Street Journal, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Do you wonder what your kids would say to that question? It might be fun to ask them on Mother’s Day. Here is a short list of what advice was given to women, by their mothers, from my circle:
1. Help others even if you feel shy.
2. Go for it because the clock is ticking.
3. Hold your own hand.
4. You don’t have to see it. Pray anyhow.
5. Open the door for others.
6. Try again and again.
7. Save money as soon as you make some.
8. Nothing lasts forever, so dear child, go ahead and weep.
9. Get the best education you can. Keep learning.
10. Go for a walk. Get off the sofa.
11. Look in other directions, not just straight ahead.
12. Say sorry when you hurt someone and mean it.
13. You will get disappointed. That’s life.
14. Love happens more than once, you know.
15. Don’t go out without your lipstick on.
16. Sit up straight.
17. Do your homework, then play.
18. Make your bed.
19. Find something to smile about.
20. When you lie, your nose grows too big and you can’t blow it.
There were so many memories from their Mothers. When they couldn’t remember words, they shared scenes, visuals, places, feelings, traditions, etc. Some happy and some sad memories popped up, as to be expected in life.
Those who are mothers now wondered what their kids would say about them. They all agreed their kids would say, “You ask too many questions.” Then they said their kids would say for wisdom passed on, “Be Kind.”
All were looking forward, no matter what age their kids are, to a phone call, or the card that says, “YOU’RE THE BEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. I LOVE YOU.” We laughed at how often that line shows up in the home made kid card. We know we aren’t the best. We know they know we aren’t the best. We annoy them. They annoy us. We simply hope we stay connected, have moments together to show our love and to be loved. We hope they “get a life,” so they can stand tall and allow us to be in the background as they lead themselves forward or sideways.
Whatever memories or gatherings show up on MOTHER’S DAY, may you honor MOTHER in whatever way feels right to you at this time.
P.S. May you not have to “fake a smile,” for the present you receive that you really don’t like, aka, the same as you got last year. We had a big laugh listing the gifts we just couldn’t say we didn’t like….Can you relate?
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (310) 454-0040
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Wall Street Journal, Maria Shriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I know this time of year is full of planning joyous graduations. I also know parents are wondering, NOW WHAT?
Below is an article I wrote that I thought would give you some tools and stories about this major life transition you are walking. Enjoy all the “LAST…” and remind yourself what a great role model and lifelong support you are for your children.
Now is an exciting time for YOU, as well. What seeds and rocks do you want to put on your path of new beginnings? What new community might you build. What sorrow do you want to empty as part of this change? I am here if you need support.
Take care,
Natalie
As one of the Wall Street Journal Experts, Natalie’s blog was originally published at blogs.wsj.com.
NATALIE CAINE: I was hiking uphill, early this morning, and met a woman on the path. We briefly chatted. As I continued my hike, I heard her voice in my head, “I am 76 and started hiking at 62. It makes life worth it. This summer, I am going to try biking at the beach.” Now she becomes a role model for me and gets me excited about possibilities.
I think when you are heading toward retirement or sitting in it, you can practice shifting the different voices in your head. For example, there’s the voice from your younger self that you hear, “Oh man, you are 40, that is really old”–and, of course, you are way past that age now and don’t feel old. Or there are the voices you hear in present time, such as, “I will be so bored after a few months and my life will just be invisible.”
Your new job is to hear those inner messages and make choices. “No, I am not 40 and I am not feeling old” or “Yes, I might have boring days and I can figure out what I want to do about that.”
Changes can give you a new view of you. You are in the unknown and that can be both exciting and terrifying. Delete the need to compare yourself to others.
Here are a few tools:
Your new chapter, called “Me beyond work life,” is fed by exploring what really matters to you now. Health, family, friends, creativity, spontaneity, joy, spirituality, etc. You can have more than one and you can change your mind. Life continues to be a journey, not a one-answer response. You get to be the role model you want to be. If you have people who motivate you, as far as how enriching their lives continue to be after retirement, post them on your refrigerator, even if it is their name.
Today on my refrigerator is the name of the woman (Katherine) who I met on my hike, along with a big happy face.
How do you keep going when you are sitting in challenges?
Here are some suggestions:
Grieving is never top on anyone’s choice list. I remember a woman saying, “OMG, this has been the worst month of my life. So many losses and disappointments with people I thought would be there for me. I am in so much pain and anxiety.” Long story short, two things that helped her were: to email me in the morning, sharing three thoughts right in that moment, and two was to weep and weep whenever and wherever, with no judgment or interpretations.
Another woman was dealing with being solo and her only child heading to college. She felt like she had to smile for her daughter, and inside she was heartbroken. I suggested she share with her daughter, that she will cry and her daughter doesn’t have to do anything about that. They are feelings, not a big problem to solve now. That helped her. Loneliness is part of transitions. Who wouldn’t be sad saying,” see ya later”, to someone you deeply adore.
When a woman shared that she dreaded going to work because she felt unseen and underappreciated, just saying what was going on, reduced some anxiety. She could begin to look at different parts of herself and different choices.
Challenges happen over and over. Gather tools. Go within. Ask in the inner world for some support, as well as, in the outer world.
Take good care, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (310) 454-0040 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Wall Street Journal, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
During one of my presentations with women, the theme was jump for joy. I suggested they go home, take a photo, or bring an object that gives them joy or reminds them of joy or do something creative, like a poem, art piece, food, clothing, collection, etc. You get the idea.
I am sharing this with you because we had so much fun. I want to pass the idea to you. Even if you are not in a group, or don’t have friends that want to join in, do it for YOURSELF. There is much more to the story of where we went from there, but I wanted to suggest you BEGIN.
1. What makes you jump for joy? 2. Who brings you joy? 3. What can you do to add more joy to your week? 4. What support do you need to make that happen?
Let me know how it goes for you.
Have fun,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (310) 454-0040 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Wall Street Journal, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
In one of our groups, we chose that theme for the week.
It became a practice, daily.
I DID IT.
The intention was to focus on the greatness in you and something you did that mattered to you, even if uncomfortable. Each evening I asked them to write down a positive view of themselves and then something they were going to do the next day or during the week. Life happens. Schedules change.
Here’s a short list of happy I DID IT stories:
Everyone felt so great. What would you say that you felt good about within yourself and what are you wanting to do and then be able to say, I DID IT?
Have fun discovering new parts of yourself and share it, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (310) 454-0040 Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Wall Street Journal, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I often hear, as do you, about the lack of support and community people have today. Tears fall from loneliness. You feel invisible. You just want a few friends you can have fun with and trust.
I remember a group of women sharing with me that they feel embarrassed to talk about not having good friends. They no longer connect with the friends they have had. It feels like they are going through a friendship divorce. The biggest complaint I hear is that one feels they are initiating more than the other and then they feel forgotten when the other person doesn’t email or pick up the phone to extend to them.
Read More
February is around the corner. I think it is fun to choose a focus for the month.
Yes, LOVE is always a great focus. What do you love about YOUR life today? Is it your SMILE you give to others, your ease at SHIFTING when you have a disappointment, or is it your CURIOSITY that keeps you moving forward, rather than whirling about the past?
What is it you love about YOU? Begin with that list.
Natalie’s article as a Wall Street Journal Expert
What’s the biggest mistake people make when it comes to starting a second career?
NATALIE CAINE: Deciding what career to launch next is like deciding to date again. You wouldn’t start your date in the bedroom would you? If more than a night mattered to you, you would get to know each other first through common interests, attraction, values, gifts and challenges, etc.
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
