A woman shared with me that her courage evaporated. She had been betrayed, thrown under the bus, as she calls it, by another woman at work. She was shocked.
There was no warning for this behavior, or was there. As she continued to share the story, she discovered the woman had been controlling in not asking her questions but telling her how to be when her role was not THE BOSS of her.
Men and women have been sharing their list with me, “What Positive Obsessions Do You Have?”
As one of the Wall Street Journal Experts, Natalie’s blog was published earlier this week;
What’s the biggest source of friction between spouses/partners in later life?
NATALIE CAINE: Not a surprise and yet so frustrating, are conflicts between one wanting to downsize and begin new adventures, and the other not wanting to change a thing. One wants to have a new career and the other thinks it is too late. One wants to go back to school for a new creative interest, the other says, “I don’t think you can make that happen.” One wants sex, the other is too tired or bored in the bedroom. One wants to make a “bucket list,” and the other feels their bucket is already too full. One wants new friends, the other doesn’t get why. One wants… the other has no interest in…. What to do?
How do you make shifts with your spouse/partners? One thing you might be doing is setting goals for the new year and keeping each other accountable. A different way of making choices is to set your feelings. Give your feelings airtime, “feel happier, so I need to be more positive and less critical.”
Was it falling in love, a teacher who believed in you, a trauma, a pet, a book, a meditation, etc.?
Your experiences are fun to share. Recall memories. Share with others. As people gather over the holidays or even if you are going solo this year, share memories with yourself.
We forget to spend time in the good of life.
Thanksgiving and holiday time brings out the shine, goodies and beauty, as well as, my black stretch pants. I love the holidays for its anticipation, creativity, memories of loved ones, sentiments, and new traditions.
When we travel and gather, like a decorated room, we mix and match. We move our life around, like chairs, and hope for comfort and connection.
I know holidays also bring expectations and disappointments from the mundane, like the turkey isn’t done yet, to the forgotten biscuits and the tasteless gravy. Mistakes happen. Tiredness sets in. Feelings of being unseen. Weeping for what was. And, of course, the hope for leftover turkey and stuffing sandwiches. Expectations, part of being human. You can keep awareness that might sound like this, “well, that is unrealistic that she is going to…… that they will…… “You can also ask for what you need in the moment, “Can someone move those chairs and come in the kitchen to dice?”
There is planning and then there is letting go. There is having an image of what you want and then there is simply the reality that life happens. When life happens, like illness, break ups, loss, it isn’t a punishment. It is life. You might tell yourself you are to blame or you failed and that might not be true. What is true is you have another opportunity to treat yourself well no matter what happens. You seem to forget that part is available to you as a choice.
Changes, like empty nest, bring up past losses and worries. Your inner critic may have a feast saying things in your head that aren’t true.
Our group shared what worries them:
In my group, sweet Susan said with a slight laugh, Loss is necessary but is empty nest?
We were talking about the losses over our life. Susan was having a sad day. Her bottom line was, I tried for months to get pregnant, then bed rest, then raise him alone after age two, no one told me loss is necessary and he will leave, and won’t put a thank- you note in my mailbox.
They did show commercials for food, toys, and diapers. Experts on morning talk shows tell us how to talk to our kids and how to get our kids to talk. Watch for signs of depression, drug use, partying when you aren’t home and don’t let them have sex, but how come there were no doctors or experts saying, AND DON’T LEAVE HOME cause your mama will cry.
Susan and all of us laughed after passing her Kleenex. She gave me an idea for the group:
I said; let’s throw out ideas for a comedy movie we will write called “YOUR MAMA WILL CRY”
– Your mama will cry if she is not your best friend
– Your mama will cry if you don’t call her.
– Your mama will cry if you don’t say she is the best mama a kid could ever have.
– Your mama will cry if you don’t let her live with you.
– Your mama will cry if she doesn’t like your partner
– Your mama will cry if you don’t come for Sunday dinner
– Your mama will cry if you don’t spend the holidays with her.
Well, you get the idea . . . Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (310) 454-0040
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Wall Street Journal, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
It has been an intense time. It is a time to review our core values. For me, when I remember that I am more than what I am in the midst of living, then I can be present with perseverance and hope.
– Review your talents.
– Check out how you are doing with your self-worth rather than allowing your inner critic to blind you.
– Get outside and look at the changing colors.
– Focus on what is working in your life.
– Speak up.
– Take baby steps for newness.
– Lower your expectations in order not to set yourself up for being hurt. Reality check helps.
– Differences allow for curiosity and compassion.
– Notice what limits you and stop the chatter. Stand tall.
I could go on and on with what I need to hear myself remember, but fortunately for you and for me, I need to get out the door.
LOVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
When people share their tears and laughs with me, there are times the topic is about what hasn’t happened at this stage of their life and they wish it had, and what they want to stop obsessing about that they don’t have. Who can’t relate to those thoughts?
With the end of summer, stories were shared about trips they couldn’t afford to take, kids leaving for college, again, marriages which weren’t theirs, downsizing and looking for a new home to buy with little inventory on the market, health challenges that limit their fun, not enough time to meander, unfulfilled jobs, lack of meaning, the list goes on .
Tips:
1. Write about your happiness. Yes, write what is working in your life that makes you happy. Write on your computer, paper, notes, whatever gives you a space to express.
2. Write about what didn’t come around and you so wanted it.
3. Share with someone you trust. Trust is a gift a friend gives you because you could really hurt them if you revealed what they asked you not to share with others.
4. Remind yourself grieving is expected. Let it unfold for you and not on an expectation time.
5. Schedule something nurturing for you: time in nature, music, massage, comfort food, spirit time, a good movie in bed, a friend to listen to you, an appreciation list of who you are no matter what, bath time with lavender and candles, a gift you buy yourself, a possible night in a hotel…
How are you at keeping a window open for what you long to receive and how are you for closing it when needed in order to empty and allow another vase to fill?
You might want to walk those questions as a way to learn more about who you are and who you are not at this time.
May gentleness and inspirations be with you,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Hello,
My last child is off to college. This is the worst time I have had with goodbye.
I thought practice would make it easier. No, it is so sad and exciting at the same time. I have no idea what is next for me.
The house so empty of their friends and parents. My having more free time for what, I don’t know, makes me anxious.
Did I teach them enough to be safe? Will they handle their challenges or be calling me too often?
I wish there was a group here in my town. We need each other because my friends don’t get it since their kids are still at home.
What did you do the first week to handle this change?
Thanks.
Meredith
Packing them up, checking the list, finalizing details, as your children are almost in the dorm. You are shocked that this life you have had with your precious one has gone so fast.
Empty nest is not for long because they do come back, but for now, that is not what you are thinking and feeling.
It is so normal to feel tearful, even having the ugly cries. The role you love is instantly going to change when you come back home from that hug at the dorm.
You know the role you played as a parent and who they were as your child will be different.
Change is lonely and scary at times.
For now, plan for you.
– Focus on what you need when the house is silent.
– Get some videos.
– Have coffee and talk time scheduled with a friend.
– Get nurtured and rest.
– Put a flowering plant in your bedroom.
– Start your journal.
– Pause before you text or instant message them. Do you need to call a friend for comfort and let your child be?
– Ask a friend to email you in the mornings and evenings just to have some connection and not isolation the first week.
– Write a list of what is fun for you and what you are good at when you have the energy to dream again.
At first, you might be feeling immobile and simply grieving. Normal for sure. Ask for help.
Take good care of yourself and be gentle in this major transition.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
