When my daughter went 3,000 miles away to college, I felt a spread of feelings. Happy for her, excited that I, her mother was a part of her journey up to this door and empty from a role I loved and knew was shifting.
I had a career, husband, friends, family, and lovely home. I tell you that because I wasn’t void of a good life. I was void of being with my daughter. The daily, ordinary days of parenting and challenging hours of differences came to a sudden stop.
No longer did I start my day attending to her needs and schedule. What I surprising held in my hand at 6:00 am, after I settled into my parenting shift, was a digital camera. If you had asked me if I were interested in owning a good camera or doing photography you would have clearly heard me say. NO thanks.
I always used a throw away camera to capture moments. I was the last in my group of friends to buy a digital. I wasn’t motivated to learn something new since my plate was full and clouded with techy fears. I went past that fear by building a website and that was techy enough for then.
Finally, the pressure from friends and strangers and stories changed my mind. I bought silver digital. Silver changed my mornings.
I couldn’t wait to touch the cold morning floor, grab SILVER, and see with it how my small veggie and flower garden were growing. Then I walked my neighborhood, taking photos and meeting other walkers, dogs, kids with back packs, and strangers asking, “What are you doing?” My response, “having fun”
Silver became a new best friend. She helped me see what I didn’t make time to stop for. She got me out the door on weekends to places I wouldn’t have seen nor people I probably wouldn’t have met.
Coming back and printing gave me instant gratification and that element of surprise. What did I see? What will I keep, toss, frame, or sell. Yes, I have sold photos. I became part of a new community of people with cameras .
I am not a professional photographer. I am a happy photographer. It is still SILVER and I with a lot more batteries and memory cards.
A camera changed my life. 100 cameras is changing lives. When people ask me, “Where can I volunteer or get involved somehow now that I have more free time, I suggest, 100 cameras. Check them out. Read their stories. See their happy people who didn’t know what a camera in hand would show them nor connect within them and their communities.
100 cameras empowers marginalized children to document their lives through photography and to create positive change in their own communities. 100% of the money from the children’s purchased prints is used to raise awareness and capital to meet physical needs and empower sustainable growth within their community.
http://www.100cameras.org
Thanks, Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Who is minding the store when you are stuck? Is it the inner pusher, the critic, the perfectionist, the bully, the little one, or a combination? Well, you know what I mean.
In our support groups and private sessions, we shared what it is like being STUCK. Losses come up, dreams died and won’t get birthed, people disappointed, communities are gone – those are some of the deeper issues that emerge when you feel stuck. You are trying to make decisions and old memories cloud your step forward.
Doubt is normal. We all laughed about that reality and yet we don’t like it. Most want to have a plan and do it.
Fear of the unknown keeps tightening our throats. We don’t know where to begin. We can’t see choices. Choices we made didn’t work out. We have old parts that feed the doubt.
Weeping is a good thing. When you are sitting where you didn’t want to sit and no one is holding your hand, loneliness is sad. Even when you receive loving comfort, you are sad. Sad because you don’t have answers and fear they won’t appear for a long long time. You don’t want to suffer.
Truth is, suffering is a part of life. We just judge it too much, don’t you think? “Oh your problem is nothing compared to others, so stop being sad.” Who is that inner voice in your head or is it someone in your life that tells you that?
Daily practice: Make friends with the UNKNOWN. “Hello unknown, what do you want me to know today? You have more practice in not knowing than I do, so gently tell me something”
Sit where you are comfortable and ask that question. Listen and notice what you feel when you begin a relationship with the unknown part of you. Notice. It is helpful to ask that question three times a day. We think once is enough and research shows it is not. Research actually says to ask five times a day.
Getting to know more about being in the unknown when you are in a transition, can calm you, teach you, and guide you towards what you want and need.
Example of what might come up in these short chats with your unknown:
• You have worried before and that is just a jump start for you. Don’t kill the worrier. Just go past it.
• This is a new growing place for you. Growth is good.
• You don’t like feeling vulnerable because you think it is so big. Don’t make it big. Make it a line in your story of the day.
Begin a conversation with the UNKNOWN. See what you learn about you.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
What to do when you have no Valentine THIS YEAR? We asked that question and here are some answers:
1. Treat yourself to something you wish someone would buy you.
2. Dance with the music loud.
3. Go to a group class that night.
4. Make a list of what YOU LOVE about YOURSELF.
5. Make cards and give them to your neighbors’ kids or local school.
6. Comfort food.
7. Weep and ask for help when you need it.
What have you done in the past when you were solo on Valentine’s Day? HIDE was the most common word. Just want it to pass because it is so unrealistic in the movies and commercials. Why don’t they talk about SOLO on Valentine’s Day?
You hear the phrase, LOVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE… what do you think of that? How do you make that happen? People shared that loving your life and being grateful never happens every day. People have happy and sad days. Just keep going.
Practice not comparing yourself to others, nor needing to answer WHY NOT ME? Reflecting on who you are and who you aren’t is helpful. Critical of self never heals a heart. Mystery is a part of everyone’s life.
Our GROUP decided on the 14th to EMAIL each other with any thought, quotation, photo, etc….just for the fun of it. ….. even a recipe or dream vacation on their list….Make it a creative day and a way to connect with each other.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
February, and our women’s group decided to write, photograph, draw, cut out pictures from magazines, garden a day, bake, doodle, or any creative idea that would focus on love.
People call in tears that they want February 14 to be off the calendar when they are solo or in the emptiness of a quiet house. It isn’t easy to feel left out or wonder when is love coming my way?
The transition of loss of love is so so painful. You believed if you talked about your challenges that you could work something out to ignite the love again. You believed if you stayed open and didn’t desperately seek, you would be in love again.
Oh the list is long of disappointments and wonderments why some are in love and others feel invisible in the realm of being loved.
When answers aren’t clear and efforts are exhausting, what about a pause and loving what you like in a day of creativity?
I know, not exactly a complete filler for February 14 and yet who knows what you will learn about yourself when you FOCUS ON CREATIVITY that lifts your mood and gets you going in a day. Begin now on this first day of February and see what new ideas arrive for Valentine’s Day.
I loved it when a woman shared with me that she often visits romantic times in her life and things she did for her partner and he for her. She said that made her simply feel good to remember, rather than bad, that love isn’t sitting in her chair right now.
Another friend is not interested right now in partnering. She wants her own routine and doesn’t feel she can compromise for another person’s needs and wants.
A fun story is the woman who was in a dark time of life and love showed up. She shared she wasn’t at her best then, with money issues, losses of friends and lovers, and not sure about her career. She can’t figure out how it happened and is enjoying the love today. Her little fears pop up that it will disappear and she just ignores that voice.
What is fun about love for you? Is there something you enjoy creatively that is loving for you?
Begin something this weekend for you that feels loving…..
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
When Molly shared her story, I wept. The short of it is this. She was headed to her dream job that landed without years of struggle. She fell. Not outside but within herself. She felt, not good enough, for this newness. She said she wasn’t going. She didn’t.
She allowed me to share although that is not her name.
You might be surprised at her decision.
For HER, it was a positive choice. She had worked on unfolding her hidden vulnerabilities to herself and others. They emerged like a duck under water nibbling for food. Her courage to be vulnerable was the best job at this time that she could ever dream to receive. Her entire life she skimmed on tears and feelings. Not safe for her, then. Not enough true support. Not hungry to change.
There are big gifts in saying NO THANK YOU. There are life gems in beginning again with ACTION when you sound out the NO THANK YOU.
Her “not good enough” was about not being able to be with deeper feelings. Her new job would have taken an open window from her work and slammed it shut with doing and doing and being seduced by money. She could not do both at this time.
She is a five star worker bee. She is qualified. She is an asset to a team. Today she chooses team self by staying with the familiar job and continuing to explore more about who she is and isn’t when it comes to feelings and comfort for those feelings.
Her decision. Her trust of self and life. Her priorities of what matters to her now, not tomorrow.
What can’t you do?
Keep warm,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I said goodbye last year to my son and daughter as they, twins, went across the country to college. I want to find something for me now.
I am a good worker and even would go back to college, though I would be of a different age.
What are people doing after the kids leave home?
I love to knit at night, cook, read, assistant for people as needed, and travel. I use to sail.
I am a good people person and full of energy although I am not into Zumba. I like ballet.
I want to have a list of choices and start something. What have people started where they can work for themselves?
I am single now. Dating sometimes, not often, because I don’t know where to meet people I am interested in.
Thank you for being here.
Elizabeth
She called in tears. I have to do everything solo. I am good at it and that doesn’t matter. I have a problem. I give and accomplish and get acknowledged. I feel lonely. The joy of doing the job well doesn’t fill the sorrow. She continued.
Friends call to support me and it is consistently with empathy. GO BEYOND EMPATHY. Do something that I don’t have to lead. Give something that you come up with. Lift me once in a while. She sobs now. Grieving is here.
Part of her story:
I have always been able to let others take over. Control and perfection aren’t my blocks. I am not a quitter. I have a cupboard of tools to feed my good and bad days. I get that I have added big smiles to people. I feel stuck in the snow of winter darkness.
I am sad that I don’t have a community of givers. I feel disappointed in people who act like they care and yet continue to exclude me even when I am somewhat confrontive about needing them to put some of their time with me on the table.
Oh, I am just having a tantrum today.
Who doesn’t have days when they feel nothing is going their way and loneliness feels so deeply painful. All that is real. Grieving the disappointments is needed. Weep and weep.
Share your unfiltered feelings and thoughts with someone you can trust. Take the time you need. What is so uncomfortable is feeling VULNERABLE. Hearing this part of you open. Feeling “needy.” Not being the wise, good person and now being the one who feels so sad and lost. Vulnerable for sure. The life you thought you would have isn’t visible.
IT IS A GIFT FOR YOU AND SOMEONE YOU SHARE WITH, to let yourself be just who you are in that day. It takes COURAGE and TRUST. Those words are often used, yet UNDERSTOOD when you act on them. NO ONE WANTS TO FEEL vulnerable nor sit in darkness. It hurts. It feels frightening that you are trapped in same-same.
What is TRUE is, IT DOESN”T last forever. You make new steps. You feel a lift after the underworld of grieving and loneliness. HOW? By feeling, expressing, and NOT judging yourself for who you are.
Yes, asking for help. Yes, finding something to nurture you, like being in the comfort of your bed and a movie. Yes, a warm shower. Journaling, walking, doodling, getting outside for something, etc.
YOU are so brave. YOU are so wise to be just who you are with vulnerability. Many people cannot go there. They haven’t built a bridge to their inner world. You have.
They haven’t gotten help to dive deeper beyond empathy. YOU HAVE. HONOR YOUR COURAGE. HONOR YOUR LIFE THAT MIXES ALL THE COLORS, expectedly and unexpectedly, attractive, and unattractive.
For me, in times of tears and doubts, I turn to nature, music, writing, TV, and a friend. I let myself FALL APART because I trust me. I am curious and I work at knowing more about who I am and who I am not. I rarely numb out or become unavailable to my feelings and thoughts. I sort what are unrealistic expectations and where I am allowing the critic to hammer me rather than stepping out of that room.
When people show you who they are over and over, do you think that is who they are? Do you stay too long at the fair? Do you spin rather than shift and look in another direction? What do you do and what don’t you do that might teach you more about you? Do you keep your foot on the pedal too long rather than turning off the key?
When you are in tears of sorrow and vulnerability, it is not a time to ask your deeper questions. WEEP WEEP……you will come up for fresh air. Dive deeper into yourself when calmness returns, don’t you think?
Begin to open to new parts of yourself that are waiting to meet you. Waiting to take your hand and sit beside you. Ask them to come find you. BE WITH ME. HELP ME NOW.
This is your precious life and you are loved, you are, truly, YOU are loved……
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Many share that line when they call for support as they are going through divorce, career shift, retiring, empty nest, illness, or finding new meaning. “I thought I was a grown up. I feel like an adolescent.” ” I had no idea I would stay in my stretch pants for days and flip the channels. I just weep at odd times, like when I am at the market. I need to find something meaningful to do, I am excited and still I feel so tired and worried.”
I am sure you could share what surprises you when you are going through losses or happy times that put you in an unknown territory.
Here are a few tips:
1. Change is an invitation to go within and get to know more about who you are and aren’t. A few minutes in the morning and evening, asking how you are feeling and what you need, keep you connected to you.
2. Dormant parts of you will emerge and other inner parts long to have a say in your life. Anger and wisdom are within, as well as, creativity and sensuality. Parts want to support you. Parts want to misguide you. You have a smorgasbord to get to know.
3. Practice not looking back too often nor ahead too often. Present moment is a gift. It will surprise you how it supports your past thoughts and your future anxieties. FEEL YOUR FEET ON THE FLOOR. LIGHT A CANDLE AND LOOK AT THE FLAME.
4. Stop yourself from being critical of you. I am sure you are doing the best you can for now. Change is so vulnerable.
5. ASK FOR SUPPORT. You would be there for someone. Find something to connect with, even if it is on the computer.
6. Put beauty inside your home. You decide what looks beautiful to you and give that to yourself.
7. Remind yourself this won’t last forever. Calmness will return. Trust takes practice.
I know this sounds different. “HAVE A CHAT WITH THE UNKNOWN” You could begin with, “I never like not knowing what to do or how to get out of feeling terrible. Do you have any suggestions for me?” Then listen, listen, listen. Do this three times a day. You are building a relationship with your inner world. Some call it meditation. Some call it time with self. Ask for inner help, as well as outer help. Try not to isolate. Think less and reach for help.
Take good care,
We are building a community where we can be met right where we are.
Let me know how I can help you or your community.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I am so sad. Kids and family gone. I am solo again. He remarried.
The nights are long and days are full for me. I want to be strong. I need to find something fun and something that has purpose. I was a lawyer and left that career. Maybe I could teach and take dance classes.
I just want a team and support for all this back and forth changes I live. Does anyone else have this going on?
I want to travel but not alone. Have you traveled solo?
I have been through losses before so I know I will be ok eventually. I started a journal for 2013.
I am also drinking power drinks to start my day. Hope it makes me fearless.
So could you all share with me what you do with all these changes?
Thank you, Katie
Happy New Beginnings as we enter 2013.
In our group we talked about exciting ideas each of has that includes both our inner and outer world. We shared what behaviors keep us going even when we naturally collapse. Each person wrote two ideas that will help them be kind to themselves no matter what happens in a day.
Most agreed we have habits of focusing more on the challenges than the little happiness’s we experience. As you have heard me say before, tell those habitual voices within that criticize you, “You won’t really do that. You shouldn’t have said that”.
You just keep doing so you don’t have to be with yourself because then you will discover you are a con artist, “THANKS FOR SHARING. I’VE GOT THIS”.
You aren’t going for perfection. Hopefully you are going for getting to know yourself better and how you can love and be loved.
Make a choice, any choice and begin. You get to change your mind. You get to ask for help.
I am very excited about 2013. Part of growing is being able to live in the unknown. Never easy. What you do know is that you will care for yourself no matter what.
Let’s begin together to love the life we have and be open to what unfolds and to what we enjoy.
P.S. One woman wanted me to tell you that she is going to say YES more than NO.
What is something you are thinking about for 2013?
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Holidays are full of memories and gatherings. It is painful when you feel lonely and it seems the rest of the world is cheering and getting together. You feel left out and wonder “why aren’t I invited”? Each year I speak with people naturally weeping about how their life is honestly lonely during the holidays and they can’t wait for it to be over.
Pain is pain. Loss is loss. Who wouldn’t weep when life is not how you hoped it would be.
One tip that helps is:
1. Being solo right now hurts and IT WON’T HURT for always. New ideas will emerge. Next year could be amazing for you….
Change is never without tears. You know the list of things you can do to ease the pain; volunteering, comfort foods and movies, ideas for New Year and You, etc.
Here’s a short story that one of my clients chose to do:
Carrie (not her real name) was divorced and her kids were married. This year was not her year to be with them. It was the in laws celebration. They tried to do it all and just couldn’t.
Carrie made a choice. She was nervous and still she called her neighbor and asked if she could help for the holiday cooking, decorations, errands, and if she could stop by that day. She told them she didn’t have plans. She didn’t want them to have to say yes, come by, so she said, “You can say no and I won’t take it personally. I know it is family, special time.”
She left her embarrassing feeling of not having friends this year, family, or anything to do, and brought up a possibility for herself. What she didn’t know is that there are thousands of people who don’t have plans nor friends around. She didn’t know she had that part of her that could take a risk and ask for something she wanted at holiday time.
Her neighbor has three kids and a big family coming to visit. She was thrilled to have Carrie’s help. She acknowledged how out of the box and refreshing it is when someone asks for what they want. She and her neighbor didn’t see each other much during the year and still Carrie felt the good neighbor feeling.
Now she has that day to look forward to and not feel as lonely.
Another woman chose to make her home beautiful for herself and to celebrate all that she appreciates about herself and what she has given in her lifetime. She wrote the list on brown paper and taped it on her bedroom wall. She began writing what she wants to let go of and what she wants to bring towards her.
Christmas Eve she will walk in to her local church and listen to holiday music, leaving a donation since she isn’t a member. Still, sad, she wants something that puts her with others during the holiday.
2. WHAT DOESN’T HELP is to spin in your precious head about why you are left out or what is wrong with you? Stop that voice so it doesn’t take away from the inner and outer beauty of you. Treat yourself, and don’t feel like you shouldn’t, to something that lifts your spirits….candles, plants, cozy pajamas, slippers, etc.
May joy come your way and peace sit in your heart. You are not alone. You matter more than you remember.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I don’t know that people talk about this much. I need to. I am alone. I don’t really like the holidays and want them to be off the TV and calendar.
I sound selfish. I would not be if I could find a new direction. All the losses come up for me this time of year. I will serve at the Mission for the Homeless and still I cry.
What do you do when you feel alone for the holidays? I actually go to bed early which I never use to do. I walk in the day. I work.
When you talk about losing meaning, I guess I have. I am ready to find new meaning. Thank goodness for the light of candles.
Any ideas or does anyone else feel lonely at the holidays? Thank you.
I can’t believe my story is the only one. We all lose people we love or they move away. Tears are good. Hope needs to build, I guess.
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org