When Molly shared her story, I wept. The short of it is this. She was headed to her dream job that landed without years of struggle. She fell. Not outside but within herself. She felt, not good enough, for this newness. She said she wasn’t going. She didn’t.
She allowed me to share although that is not her name.
You might be surprised at her decision.
For HER, it was a positive choice. She had worked on unfolding her hidden vulnerabilities to herself and others. They emerged like a duck under water nibbling for food. Her courage to be vulnerable was the best job at this time that she could ever dream to receive. Her entire life she skimmed on tears and feelings. Not safe for her, then. Not enough true support. Not hungry to change.
There are big gifts in saying NO THANK YOU. There are life gems in beginning again with ACTION when you sound out the NO THANK YOU.
Her “not good enough” was about not being able to be with deeper feelings. Her new job would have taken an open window from her work and slammed it shut with doing and doing and being seduced by money. She could not do both at this time.
She is a five star worker bee. She is qualified. She is an asset to a team. Today she chooses team self by staying with the familiar job and continuing to explore more about who she is and isn’t when it comes to feelings and comfort for those feelings.
Her decision. Her trust of self and life. Her priorities of what matters to her now, not tomorrow.
What can’t you do?
Keep warm,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I said goodbye last year to my son and daughter as they, twins, went across the country to college. I want to find something for me now.
I am a good worker and even would go back to college, though I would be of a different age.
What are people doing after the kids leave home?
I love to knit at night, cook, read, assistant for people as needed, and travel. I use to sail.
I am a good people person and full of energy although I am not into Zumba. I like ballet.
I want to have a list of choices and start something. What have people started where they can work for themselves?
I am single now. Dating sometimes, not often, because I don’t know where to meet people I am interested in.
Thank you for being here.
Elizabeth
She called in tears. I have to do everything solo. I am good at it and that doesn’t matter. I have a problem. I give and accomplish and get acknowledged. I feel lonely. The joy of doing the job well doesn’t fill the sorrow. She continued.
Friends call to support me and it is consistently with empathy. GO BEYOND EMPATHY. Do something that I don’t have to lead. Give something that you come up with. Lift me once in a while. She sobs now. Grieving is here.
Part of her story:
I have always been able to let others take over. Control and perfection aren’t my blocks. I am not a quitter. I have a cupboard of tools to feed my good and bad days. I get that I have added big smiles to people. I feel stuck in the snow of winter darkness.
I am sad that I don’t have a community of givers. I feel disappointed in people who act like they care and yet continue to exclude me even when I am somewhat confrontive about needing them to put some of their time with me on the table.
Oh, I am just having a tantrum today.
Who doesn’t have days when they feel nothing is going their way and loneliness feels so deeply painful. All that is real. Grieving the disappointments is needed. Weep and weep.
Share your unfiltered feelings and thoughts with someone you can trust. Take the time you need. What is so uncomfortable is feeling VULNERABLE. Hearing this part of you open. Feeling “needy.” Not being the wise, good person and now being the one who feels so sad and lost. Vulnerable for sure. The life you thought you would have isn’t visible.
IT IS A GIFT FOR YOU AND SOMEONE YOU SHARE WITH, to let yourself be just who you are in that day. It takes COURAGE and TRUST. Those words are often used, yet UNDERSTOOD when you act on them. NO ONE WANTS TO FEEL vulnerable nor sit in darkness. It hurts. It feels frightening that you are trapped in same-same.
What is TRUE is, IT DOESN”T last forever. You make new steps. You feel a lift after the underworld of grieving and loneliness. HOW? By feeling, expressing, and NOT judging yourself for who you are.
Yes, asking for help. Yes, finding something to nurture you, like being in the comfort of your bed and a movie. Yes, a warm shower. Journaling, walking, doodling, getting outside for something, etc.
YOU are so brave. YOU are so wise to be just who you are with vulnerability. Many people cannot go there. They haven’t built a bridge to their inner world. You have.
They haven’t gotten help to dive deeper beyond empathy. YOU HAVE. HONOR YOUR COURAGE. HONOR YOUR LIFE THAT MIXES ALL THE COLORS, expectedly and unexpectedly, attractive, and unattractive.
For me, in times of tears and doubts, I turn to nature, music, writing, TV, and a friend. I let myself FALL APART because I trust me. I am curious and I work at knowing more about who I am and who I am not. I rarely numb out or become unavailable to my feelings and thoughts. I sort what are unrealistic expectations and where I am allowing the critic to hammer me rather than stepping out of that room.
When people show you who they are over and over, do you think that is who they are? Do you stay too long at the fair? Do you spin rather than shift and look in another direction? What do you do and what don’t you do that might teach you more about you? Do you keep your foot on the pedal too long rather than turning off the key?
When you are in tears of sorrow and vulnerability, it is not a time to ask your deeper questions. WEEP WEEP……you will come up for fresh air. Dive deeper into yourself when calmness returns, don’t you think?
Begin to open to new parts of yourself that are waiting to meet you. Waiting to take your hand and sit beside you. Ask them to come find you. BE WITH ME. HELP ME NOW.
This is your precious life and you are loved, you are, truly, YOU are loved……
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Many share that line when they call for support as they are going through divorce, career shift, retiring, empty nest, illness, or finding new meaning. “I thought I was a grown up. I feel like an adolescent.” ” I had no idea I would stay in my stretch pants for days and flip the channels. I just weep at odd times, like when I am at the market. I need to find something meaningful to do, I am excited and still I feel so tired and worried.”
I am sure you could share what surprises you when you are going through losses or happy times that put you in an unknown territory.
Here are a few tips:
1. Change is an invitation to go within and get to know more about who you are and aren’t. A few minutes in the morning and evening, asking how you are feeling and what you need, keep you connected to you.
2. Dormant parts of you will emerge and other inner parts long to have a say in your life. Anger and wisdom are within, as well as, creativity and sensuality. Parts want to support you. Parts want to misguide you. You have a smorgasbord to get to know.
3. Practice not looking back too often nor ahead too often. Present moment is a gift. It will surprise you how it supports your past thoughts and your future anxieties. FEEL YOUR FEET ON THE FLOOR. LIGHT A CANDLE AND LOOK AT THE FLAME.
4. Stop yourself from being critical of you. I am sure you are doing the best you can for now. Change is so vulnerable.
5. ASK FOR SUPPORT. You would be there for someone. Find something to connect with, even if it is on the computer.
6. Put beauty inside your home. You decide what looks beautiful to you and give that to yourself.
7. Remind yourself this won’t last forever. Calmness will return. Trust takes practice.
I know this sounds different. “HAVE A CHAT WITH THE UNKNOWN” You could begin with, “I never like not knowing what to do or how to get out of feeling terrible. Do you have any suggestions for me?” Then listen, listen, listen. Do this three times a day. You are building a relationship with your inner world. Some call it meditation. Some call it time with self. Ask for inner help, as well as outer help. Try not to isolate. Think less and reach for help.
Take good care,
We are building a community where we can be met right where we are.
Let me know how I can help you or your community.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I am so sad. Kids and family gone. I am solo again. He remarried.
The nights are long and days are full for me. I want to be strong. I need to find something fun and something that has purpose. I was a lawyer and left that career. Maybe I could teach and take dance classes.
I just want a team and support for all this back and forth changes I live. Does anyone else have this going on?
I want to travel but not alone. Have you traveled solo?
I have been through losses before so I know I will be ok eventually. I started a journal for 2013.
I am also drinking power drinks to start my day. Hope it makes me fearless.
So could you all share with me what you do with all these changes?
Thank you, Katie
Happy New Beginnings as we enter 2013.
In our group we talked about exciting ideas each of has that includes both our inner and outer world. We shared what behaviors keep us going even when we naturally collapse. Each person wrote two ideas that will help them be kind to themselves no matter what happens in a day.
Most agreed we have habits of focusing more on the challenges than the little happiness’s we experience. As you have heard me say before, tell those habitual voices within that criticize you, “You won’t really do that. You shouldn’t have said that”.
You just keep doing so you don’t have to be with yourself because then you will discover you are a con artist, “THANKS FOR SHARING. I’VE GOT THIS”.
You aren’t going for perfection. Hopefully you are going for getting to know yourself better and how you can love and be loved.
Make a choice, any choice and begin. You get to change your mind. You get to ask for help.
I am very excited about 2013. Part of growing is being able to live in the unknown. Never easy. What you do know is that you will care for yourself no matter what.
Let’s begin together to love the life we have and be open to what unfolds and to what we enjoy.
P.S. One woman wanted me to tell you that she is going to say YES more than NO.
What is something you are thinking about for 2013?
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Holidays are full of memories and gatherings. It is painful when you feel lonely and it seems the rest of the world is cheering and getting together. You feel left out and wonder “why aren’t I invited”? Each year I speak with people naturally weeping about how their life is honestly lonely during the holidays and they can’t wait for it to be over.
Pain is pain. Loss is loss. Who wouldn’t weep when life is not how you hoped it would be.
One tip that helps is:
1. Being solo right now hurts and IT WON’T HURT for always. New ideas will emerge. Next year could be amazing for you….
Change is never without tears. You know the list of things you can do to ease the pain; volunteering, comfort foods and movies, ideas for New Year and You, etc.
Here’s a short story that one of my clients chose to do:
Carrie (not her real name) was divorced and her kids were married. This year was not her year to be with them. It was the in laws celebration. They tried to do it all and just couldn’t.
Carrie made a choice. She was nervous and still she called her neighbor and asked if she could help for the holiday cooking, decorations, errands, and if she could stop by that day. She told them she didn’t have plans. She didn’t want them to have to say yes, come by, so she said, “You can say no and I won’t take it personally. I know it is family, special time.”
She left her embarrassing feeling of not having friends this year, family, or anything to do, and brought up a possibility for herself. What she didn’t know is that there are thousands of people who don’t have plans nor friends around. She didn’t know she had that part of her that could take a risk and ask for something she wanted at holiday time.
Her neighbor has three kids and a big family coming to visit. She was thrilled to have Carrie’s help. She acknowledged how out of the box and refreshing it is when someone asks for what they want. She and her neighbor didn’t see each other much during the year and still Carrie felt the good neighbor feeling.
Now she has that day to look forward to and not feel as lonely.
Another woman chose to make her home beautiful for herself and to celebrate all that she appreciates about herself and what she has given in her lifetime. She wrote the list on brown paper and taped it on her bedroom wall. She began writing what she wants to let go of and what she wants to bring towards her.
Christmas Eve she will walk in to her local church and listen to holiday music, leaving a donation since she isn’t a member. Still, sad, she wants something that puts her with others during the holiday.
2. WHAT DOESN’T HELP is to spin in your precious head about why you are left out or what is wrong with you? Stop that voice so it doesn’t take away from the inner and outer beauty of you. Treat yourself, and don’t feel like you shouldn’t, to something that lifts your spirits….candles, plants, cozy pajamas, slippers, etc.
May joy come your way and peace sit in your heart. You are not alone. You matter more than you remember.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I don’t know that people talk about this much. I need to. I am alone. I don’t really like the holidays and want them to be off the TV and calendar.
I sound selfish. I would not be if I could find a new direction. All the losses come up for me this time of year. I will serve at the Mission for the Homeless and still I cry.
What do you do when you feel alone for the holidays? I actually go to bed early which I never use to do. I walk in the day. I work.
When you talk about losing meaning, I guess I have. I am ready to find new meaning. Thank goodness for the light of candles.
Any ideas or does anyone else feel lonely at the holidays? Thank you.
I can’t believe my story is the only one. We all lose people we love or they move away. Tears are good. Hope needs to build, I guess.
A woman shared with me that as she was rumbling through her holiday boxes to decorate, she found stacks of boxes. She opened them. Over and over she kept hearing herself ask, “Why did I save this concert ticket, these match boxes, this writing, those papers?”
Long story short, what she found about herself is that she is ready to let go. At the time, those goodies mattered as memories. Now, as she said, “I don’t need the stuff to remember. I need open, empty space, to begin anew.”
During the holiday break from work and routine, she also found herself ready to downsize her living space.
I asked her if anything in the boxes made her tearful, “Yes, the things that will be no more and the joy that those brought me at that time.”
She has begun the journey, again, of getting to know who she is and who she isn’t. What she will need to gather for inside and outside resources as she steps up for change.
I get so excited when someone wants the support to explore. I asked her if there were moments that she was torn about tossing or keeping something from the boxes. “I easily let go of some things and others I tossed quickly so I wouldn’t over think. I kept remembering that I have it all within, and stacking it up to only to unstack wasn’t necessary today. There were things I needed to leave and come back to another day.”
What surprised her was how much easier it was to toss than she thought it would be. She is sentimental. She also realized that she has a good month of cleaning out, working maybe an hour a day, to clear her space. She felt vulnerable with not knowing what’s next and made that unknown OK for today.
A big reminder that I shared with her and now you is there may come a time in your life when your inner world has a deeper meaning than the size of your outer world. Begin the cleanup. Allow yourself to explore more of who you are today and who you want to grow into as you hopefully pull up patience and self-love during a change. Ask for help.
Take good care.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
“The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.”
Elbert Hubbard
Memories rise up. People we have spent time with and those we no longer can see, come visiting in our minds and hearts. Memories are a good thing. We fear the tears, the loneliness, and we long for connections.
What I appreciate about the human spirit is we get to begin, again. We get to be brave and make up new traditions, break some rules, and allow who we are today to simply be happy.
Some people have communities and others don’t. Some join with friends and some with family. Some think the grass is greener on the other side. Bottom line, many thoughts wave bye during the holidays.
What I wish for you, is that no matter what, you return to being kind to yourself and treating yourself well.
Change happens. You won’t be forgotten. Be sweet to you and find what will nourish and nurture you during the holiday.
Make this holiday a practice of something you choose that honors you.
Maybe you want to ask for help in your inner world where you close your eyes and ask within for some help and in your outer world where you see what is right there in front of you.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
When longing for a change, practice pausing, stepping back, and observing yourself and those you love.
Some people say do what scares you. Some say ask for help. Others suggest go get inner and outer new resources. What would you put on your list to up your courage? What motivates you to want to say what you want to say, to do something new, to say goodbye? Is the pain increasing? Are you so bored with the spinning over and over in your head that you simply want a break from all that chatter?
Maybe it is a combination of reasons that lift you to courage. I remember a woman telling me, “I am so sick of thinking. I just want to quiet all those thoughts and go for it.” She did.
Courage is needed more than once in a lifetime. As you shift and learn and shift, over and over, you might need courage for the new path. Remembering that you had courage before helps.
Fear of mistakes, fear of getting hurt, or embarrassed, feed those heavy feet. You are scared and you have another part of you that can be scared and “still get on the plane,” or step towards what matters to you. Get to know that unknown part of you by beginning with a conversation, ” hello brave one, what do you want to share with me today? I am listening.”
A young woman told me she needed to leave her job where she felt unheard and invisible. What helped her was to list all the compliments she had been told, what she valued about herself, and where she criticizes her behaviors. Yes, she did have meetings to communicate her feelings and thoughts. Yes, she did leave after getting professional help with her resume and asking people to help her find a new job.
Courage, can you trust yourself that you will be able to handle whatever happens? Maybe it is time to turn to you and begin practicing trust along with your longing for courage. What do you think?
When did you listen to a part of you, wish you hadn’t, and didn’t call up your courage?
When were you courageous despite a voice that told you not to……?
I remember getting a yes response to something I really wanted. Then, I had to up my courage to show up. I did.
Self-talk of coaching myself, comforting myself, and getting it into perspective, are some of the tools that help me. “You can do this. You will be fine and if you aren’t you will still end up fine. It is a day in the life.”
Actually, my fears were worse than the reality of being there. I had so much fun and almost passed on being there because a habit voice jumped in telling me NO, before I had a chance to pause, reflect, and see what I needed in order to get to a YES.
Can you relate? I am guessing you can.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I am an empty nester. This year my kids aren’t able to come home. I want to do something for myself that is a celebration of my life and is connected with others.
I am going to my Aunt’s and then two days to relax. I rarely make just open time for me with no schedule, family, nor friends.
I need this before December. I finally get that my life is good enough even if I am solo at times. I am thinking there must be other women who don’t have the same holidays as they use to have and continue to value them.
What has or is anyone else doing?
Thank you for allowing me a space to be me.
Elizabeth
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org