Feeling stuck, that is what she shared with me. I just don’t know how to get my day going and be happy with all these changes I am now living. I don’t know what to do. My possible help is to remind you to try something. You get to change your mind. Now read on:
Three things I suggested that I continue to practice.
Ask yourself throughout the day:
1. What am I thinking about?
2. What am I feeling?
3. What do I need today?
The more you build a connection to yourself the more you get to know you and what matters to you.
It sounds so simple. It isn’t. We tell ourselves, “I don’t need to do that. I already know. It just doesn’t matter.”
The key is to ask yourself more than once throughout your day. Try for five times.
Get out the door and see something new. For some people, they need to start their unstructured day by getting out the door. For others, they like to meander into the day or get work done first. You can try a little of each or one and see how it feels that day.
I suggested to one woman that she get out the door and see what within walking distance interests her. She is so organized that she wanted to walk with paper and pencil. After a week, she came up with the idea, to stop in at three stores she liked and let them know she could help out once in a while. She left her email and phone number. Two weeks later, she got a call from a pet store, and filled in to hold the pets and spend time with them.
It is true for me, the gratitude awareness delivers happiness. I don’t write it, I say it. That is what works for me.
Find a mantra to remind you of the bigger picture, “this won’t last forever, it really won’t and it feels like forever that I am dealing with this. I can still do something for myself to feel better.”
A happy day, what is that for you?
1. Cooking
2. Hiking
3. Visiting people
4. Golfing
5. Working
6. Writing
7. Travel
8. Art at home
9. Reading
10. Dancing
11. The gym
12. TV and TiVo
13. Lunch with a friend
14. No physical aches
15. Energy up
16. Nothing to do today, yippee
17. Theater
18. Gardening
19. Talking on the phone
20. Photography
21. Biking
22. Yoga
23. Writing a letter to people you like
24. Shopping
25. Sitting in the park
26. Tennis
27. Feeling peaceful
28. Believing in you
29. Spiritual practices, what are yours?
30. What is a happy day for you?
31. Planning something
32. House guests
33. Voice lessons
34. Writing your memoir
35. History channel
36. Museum day
37. Organizing
38. Wine and cheese
39. Dinner out
40. Having someone plan a day and evening on the weekend.
41. Sports event
42. Concert
43. Soaking in warm water
44. Massage
45. Not answering the phone
46. New music for home
47. Sunsets
48. Skiing
What is a happy day for you? Is it a no worries chatter in your head? Is it a quiet mind? Is it being open and knowing when to close? Is it I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU…….
You can inspire others by sharing what is a happy day for you? Lately, I love a surprise happy email, phone call, and delivery at the front door. What would you want delivered to your doorstep? Ok, you know who I am talking with here….we can’t deliver that … go get it…
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I feel safe here. I just don’t like life as much without my kids but no one would believe that.
On the outside I am successful, friendly, healthy, a good person. Inside I feel lonely and lost today. I miss my kids. One in college. One married. I know all the philosophy about make yourself happy, be grateful, make changes.
Today I feel so sad because I do. I know here you understand that kind of day. I wish there were more communities for bad and good days. I just need to say it here. It will pass. They are such a part of me, my children.
The void is big at times to not see or hear them like I did every day and night. Loving my kids is a different kind of love than the other loves I have in life. I feel embarrassed some days to be so sad when others have real losses of death and illness. Parents don’t talk about this much so I am glad you do here.
I wonder what I will do with my free time? I wonder who I will become without kids at home? I know they will be fine and handle their lives. What about me, now?
I don’t want to fall down a rabbit hole and miss a good life. I just don’t know me like I use to. I will though.
Thanks for listening and being here as a community.
Keri
This weekend kids are packing up and heading to college. Parents are shocked at the gut pain they are feeling, hugging goodbye. The “ugly cry” visits them at unpredictable times, like while marketing.
Goodbye drops them into the reality that their parenting role will never be as it was before. They are kicked out of the kingdom with an unfamiliar role as parents.
Parents are in the background, not leading, not seeing day to day, and not hearing the stories after school.
It is a major life transition.
Parents begin to focus on themselves more so than before. Many use the time to explore who they are and aren’t and what life beyond parenting might include.
I am often asked, “Why didn’t parents talk about empty nest?”
Here is my experience with what thousands of parents, including myself, have shared with me when they say to others that they are feeling sad:
1. Oh, they are just going to college, get over your tears and do something…shame for their feelings.
2. It’s about time you did something for yourself. Not the issue.
3. Go volunteer. Your life could be worse. Comparing yourself to others, not the issue
When one is going through a sudden change, it is a grieving. Grieving for a relationship you knew and now have to shift. Shift into the unknown for a while. Yes, you knew this day would arrive. Grieving in its depth, can’t be planned. Until you are sitting in the empty room, it honestly isn’t real. No one ever prepared you for sitting in the unknown. Vulnerable.
Loss is loss. All other losses seem to emerge with this change in parenting roles.
So many parents share that the reality of not having forever hits them when they send their kids off to college. They see youth walk out the door. They were lifted at times by that energy. Parenting felt like it went on forever and ever and now it is not a day to day experience.
For some parents, this change in their role opens both joys and challenges. Reflection, assessment, and choice are part of the new you. It’s a good time for all of your vulnerabilities, losses, never to be’s , regrets, as well as, a wonderful time when you are ready, to dream big for what matters to you now and how you want to spend time with you and then with others.
Parents long for a community since the school days end. Some stay friends. Some end those relationships. So where do you meet new people at this stage of life? Parents don’t like to talk about that either because it makes them feel, “unpopular.” Not true.
Change happens. No one wants to walk it alone.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
In our group we did a quick write, “What imprint did you make so far on your children?”
1. Be kind
2. Ask for help
3. Say what you mean.
4. Try again.
5. Clean up or else….
6. I nag because I don’t know what else to do
7. Text me when you get there
8. Is this outfit cute on me?
9. Practice compassion
10. Sing when you are stuck in traffic.
11. Brush your teeth twice a day and floss.12. Save money.
13. Work is a privilege
14. Give back
15. A simple smile is a grand gift in a room.
16. Self-care when you get hurt.17. See a doctor.
18. Write the thank you notes this week.
19. Help out,
20. Walk the dog.
21. Just do it don’t wait for me to tell you.
22. Walk in their shoes.
23. Add the soap or it isn’t laundry done.
24. Make gifts for the holidays.
25. Help your sister, brother out.
26. You will fall, weep and get back up.
27. Dinner is ready. Now.
28. Kitchen is closed.
29. Believe in yourself
30. Say thank you.
31. Wear sleeveless while you can.
32. Keep learning.
33. Is that a good choice?
There were more and we will repeat this memory write of what we think we passed onto our kids. What do you think you passed to your children?
Take care,
Natalie
Call for information (800) 446-3310, (818) 763-0188 or email, natalie@emptynestsupport.com, about the ONE DAY, OCTOBER 6 workshop, LIFE IN TRANSITION, WHAT’S NEXT, in Los Angeles, 10:00am to 3:00pm.
Natalie Caine M.A.
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver .com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.lifeintransition.org
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
My daughter laughed and said I am a big girl now as she hugged me goodbye at the college dorm. I cried. Darn it. I didn’t’ want to be the little girl in that moment. All my life I was the big girl and now for the first time I am little.
Weepy for the noisy house, the questions, the yelling, the driving back and forth, the shopping, the thermometer, and cheers.
Who else feels little? Who else wants someone to hold their hand and say I was little too.
We moms are being acknowledged in the Olympics, and now the Campaigns. Feels fantastic to be appreciated deeply.
But who holds out hands when we shrink?
I am hopeful, time heals. I am able to hold me. Still I want the people around who I care for so I feel more lifted.
I guess my new road to education is to be me, be me.
Thanks for listening,
Little one today
Parents are sharing stories with me about this big change, empty nest. They always wanted quiet time, time for self, but today, it is too quiet and too much free time.
One dad said he feels like his house is lifting off the ground to the sky and he wants his kids back home. He knows he is a great dad. It is moments of thoughts and feelings that make you pause. NOW WHAT?
Time does shift the emptiness. Choices present themselves.
New ideas emerge. New hopes. New friendships are made since some of the old ones aren’t a fit anymore.
– Relationships need an assessment.
– Houses might downsize.
– Rooms get re-decorated.
– Parents need you to care for them.
– Careers shift
– Retirement is a on the horizon.
Transitions are invitations to make time for yourself. Time to focus on you now. Time to ask for help. Time to rest. Time to make wish lists. Time for compassion. Time to weep.
What activities did you use to do after school? Music, bike ride, sports, sew, art, etc. What might be fun, from those days, to do today?
What compliments did people over the years say to you? Write them down.
What one thing could you put on your calendar this week that would be fun?
What’s in the care package for you and the one you are sending off to college?
You can choose something and change your mind. BEGIN….
Take good care and celebrate the sacrifice and love you have given to your family,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Parents were talking about back to school and we listed what we would want to learn if we went back:
1. Not the list of Presidents
2. How to build bonfires on the beach
3. Another language
4. How to say what I want in the moment
5. Saving money
6. Going to a party even if you are scared
7. Spiritual practices
8. Letting go instead of staying too long
9. Cooking
1. 10 Fly fishing
10. Value of traveling
11. Cultural values
12. Getting back up when you fall
13. Exercises that are fun
14. Wellness plans
15. Where to go to meet new people
16. Awkward is normal
17. Riding a bike
18. Finger spelling
19. Not letting rejection make you feel so bad about yourself
20. Creative choices in the arts for expression and fun
21. How to get a mentor
22. Religions of the world
23. Community living
24. Saving the environment
25. Music
26. How to honor elders
27. What our ancestors gave us28. Organizing better
29. Not over buying out of boredom
30. Really giving back
31. Alternative healing and medicine options
32. How to take care for a pet
33. When can a parent stop giving
34. How to enjoy the moment
What would you want to learn if you went back to school?
Have fun,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
When she sat on the sofa in the brightly lit living room, she looked around, and it seemed she was visually gathering. Then she settled in sharing, “I am so glad to be here. I just need to open up and I don’t very often.”
Her life had celebrations and disappointments, usually in relationships that she figured were a good thing. They had things in common, good listening, adventure, and optimistic in personality.
What they didn’t have was giving through really caring about her, knowing her. She felt like she was a character in a play that rarely got applause. Her style was to be nurturing through touch, not words.
Long story short, with grieving, talking, feeling, writing, and homework, she came to find what helped her to reveal.
She needed to walk, be in movement verses sitting with people she loved. She needed to move to feel. Most of her time together was out for meals or in cars or movies. Walking side by side, her words fell easier and she could reveal to them. What surprised her was her revealing ignited theirs. She became more spontaneous because she trusted she would be ok being out of control as long as she didn’t hang out with people who were punishers.
What do you want to reveal to yourself? What would you like to reveal to someone in your life?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
They carved one heart in their yard tree, long ago. Last night she wept beside the marking, showing what was and what won’t be. She tried to be happy that she lived with such love but that was her head happy.
Her heart is torn. Permanence is fantasy. Love is a delicious seducer of forever. She didn’t mind being in fantasy, isn’t that a resting escape, a tolerance, a hope, although false?
Her plan, she doesn’t have one, but to sit by the tree, lay out the plaid blanket and have an imaginary conversation, for as long as she needs.
She believes her tears will drop into the roots of this tree and grow something deep down in the unseen world. She rests, curled in, weeping, chilled, and warmed by the ground.
Gone is the hand in hand. Her hope is, beauty will rise from the once felt light within. Just not today.
Heart Ache, may she collapse and lift with her own rhythm.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Back to school has begun or is around the corner. For some parents it is the first time being an empty nester and for others, it continues to drop tears.
How can you not weep when you love someone and know you won’t see them for a while?
What did you think empty nest would be like for you? What do you imagine it will be like?
1. Your parenting role shifts. One mom shared and others chimed in, “I no longer have the control or imaginary control I use to have.”
2. Each parent grieves this loss of role differently. Listen and allow.
3. You miss their friends popping over and that vibrant youth energy.
4. Community ends from school connections with parents.
5. New freedom is exciting and can be overwhelming with choices.
6. You wonder what will give you meaning beyond parenting.
7. Solo or married, it is a grieving for the life and role you had with your kids.
8. Some can’t wait for them to leave the house and that too is “normal.”
9. Other loses from your past may surface and bring deep feelings.
10. Parents have shared with me that they realize they don’t have forever like they use to think they have, another end of innocence.
11. You wonder about your marriage? Does it need a shift, an ending, a slight tweak?
There are so many thoughts and feelings that pop up at this stage of life. No one needs to go through it alone.
Self-care, know this unknown won’t last forever, and let yourself be yourself.
Hugging someone goodbye that you love is sad. Sad is simply a feeling and not the all of you. I remember a mom said, “If I start to cry, I am afraid I won’t stop, so I hate crying.”
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
In our parent group, I suggested each share what they will miss and what they look forward to when they aren’t parents every day. I suggested they remember to allow different parts of them to speak, the confident one, the brave one, the sad one, the freedom one, etc. We forget we have so many parts within us when sadness grips. Tears are a great thing even though I have never met one person who likes to cry unless they are alone. Even alone, the beginning of tears feels the worst because you don’t want to “go there,” partially for fear you won’t, “get out.”
Tips for the goodbye:
1. Say what you want to say and think about what that might be before you have that last moment on campus.
2. Write a note ahead of time and hand it to them or tuck it someone that you know they will see when you are gone. Maybe telling them you believe in them and you are there for them no matter what, if that is true for you. Yes, a love note. Who wouldn’t want one of those at any age?
3. Let them lead in arranging their room or what they want to do that day or evening. You know this to be true and naturally, you just want a little more time to nurture…”make it happen easily.”
4. Ask how you can help while driving or flying there. They might not know until there. I imagine, like my kid, they are both excited and nervous so not much into planning.
5. It is their new friends, not your social hour. Sorry for that harshness. Be in the background.
6. Let them know you will be sending a care package.
7. Make a medical kit and leave it in the room…Tylenol, Pepto Bismol, protein drink, vitamin C, parent’s numbers and doctor back home numbers, Band-Aids, thermometer, whatever they used at home.
8. Talk before you hug goodbye about communication styles, texting, email, Skype, and be flexible with the outcome and times you would like them to connect. They will do what they want to do even though you don’t like that idea. Great to say what you would like and pause and see if you would want to be calling home that much when you were their age. Reality vs. unrealistic expectations.
9. Ask if they want to be told on the phone if a grandparent, etc. is ill or how they want that communication.
10. Talk about money and budget before the car ride to college.
11. It is OK for them to see you cry. Just let them know beforehand that you might cry and it is normal. They don’t have to do anything. Just let you be. You will be fine. Love brings tears.
12. You can’t tell them enough what it is you specifically love about them . Say it. They love to hear it as well as stories about them. Focus is on them, and what’s new about that…not much.
13. Let yourself meander about how wonderful your new freedom will be.
14. Acknowledge to yourself how you have been a positive parent and person in their life and probably also to their friends. You can write yourself a letter or say it within yourself.
15. You raised them to be happy and independent. How would you have liked to be treated when you left home?
16. Technology makes it easier to stay connected. Stop. Let them lead. Count to five, asking, do I need to connect now or can I wait? It takes practice to stand back and observe. You will walk with more paradoxes now than before. When you miss them so much, you will text or call. You might keep that phone velcroed for a while. (I did) You don’t want to miss that call and it happens that you will miss it. You call back and they don’t pick up or they email and you email back and you don’t hear from them for a week.
Some kids don’t even read email. I know that is surprising. That is why it helps to talk about communication styles before you say goodbye.17. Be sweet to yourself during this major transition. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend who misses someone they love.
18. Be with people who understand your journey of change. This is an ending to the role you had as parent and a beginning of a new parenting role. It is more about re-connecting with yourself and moving into adult to adult relationship with your kids. Takes practice and mistakes.
Take good care.
May your goodbye bring back to you, deep appreciation of yourself and those you love.
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
My daughter is leaving in two weeks for her dream college life. I want a dream too. We are close and still I am the mom, not her best friend. I have been sad and excited all summer with this big change coming.
I made a list one late night of what my dream would be. I wanted to open an orphanage when I was in my twenties or be a nurse. I am going to learn how I can do something with people who have less than I. I want to make a difference like I have in being a mom. I am not too old to go back to college or help in a foreign country or even in the great USA. Maybe I will take classes locally or maybe I will get a mentor of how to move into this new me. It honestly helps me at night to think about my dream. Still I get sad. Sad I am older. Sad she is so far away. Sad I have to let her grow without me by her side in the next room. Sad life is so fast. I tell myself not to worry that it is a waste of my thoughts. Usually I don’t worry. Now the worry is like a distraction from the emptiness. I have no idea what my life will be like the day after she is in the dorm and I am in this great home. I think I will feel her gone. I never like goodbyes. I am the one that says, see you soon.
I just remind myself it is time for me to learn. Learn how to let go of what I had and hope for what will be. Learn anything, something new to make me feel great. Learn about day to day without being mom. I am not one to write or journal. I want people around me so we can talk about whatever. I am not sure who will be in my friend circle since I am single. Life changed so much with divorce and now it changes, again. Being mom has been close and then far, over and over. I don’t know how to really say it. I never thought about me becoming this age that I am now. Busy and full life of work, marriage, kids, family, friends, and then single and now empty nester. Sounds so old. I am not old at all. I am just not holding the hands I held every day.
I will just be who I am, uncertain, happy, and eager to learn. I just don’t want life to be busy. I want it to be connected somehow. My parents were always busy and didn’t chat about much. I don’t want to be so predictable in this new stage of my life. I am just wondering what new things are other parents thinking about being or doing?
Thanks,
Ally
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
