When she sat on the sofa in the brightly lit living room, she looked around, and it seemed she was visually gathering. Then she settled in sharing, “I am so glad to be here. I just need to open up and I don’t very often.”
Her life had celebrations and disappointments, usually in relationships that she figured were a good thing. They had things in common, good listening, adventure, and optimistic in personality.
What they didn’t have was giving through really caring about her, knowing her. She felt like she was a character in a play that rarely got applause. Her style was to be nurturing through touch, not words.
Long story short, with grieving, talking, feeling, writing, and homework, she came to find what helped her to reveal.
She needed to walk, be in movement verses sitting with people she loved. She needed to move to feel. Most of her time together was out for meals or in cars or movies. Walking side by side, her words fell easier and she could reveal to them. What surprised her was her revealing ignited theirs. She became more spontaneous because she trusted she would be ok being out of control as long as she didn’t hang out with people who were punishers.
What do you want to reveal to yourself? What would you like to reveal to someone in your life?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
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They carved one heart in their yard tree, long ago. Last night she wept beside the marking, showing what was and what won’t be. She tried to be happy that she lived with such love but that was her head happy.
Her heart is torn. Permanence is fantasy. Love is a delicious seducer of forever. She didn’t mind being in fantasy, isn’t that a resting escape, a tolerance, a hope, although false?
Her plan, she doesn’t have one, but to sit by the tree, lay out the plaid blanket and have an imaginary conversation, for as long as she needs.
She believes her tears will drop into the roots of this tree and grow something deep down in the unseen world. She rests, curled in, weeping, chilled, and warmed by the ground.
Gone is the hand in hand. Her hope is, beauty will rise from the once felt light within. Just not today.
Heart Ache, may she collapse and lift with her own rhythm.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Back to school has begun or is around the corner. For some parents it is the first time being an empty nester and for others, it continues to drop tears.
How can you not weep when you love someone and know you won’t see them for a while?
What did you think empty nest would be like for you? What do you imagine it will be like?
1. Your parenting role shifts. One mom shared and others chimed in, “I no longer have the control or imaginary control I use to have.”
2. Each parent grieves this loss of role differently. Listen and allow.
3. You miss their friends popping over and that vibrant youth energy.
4. Community ends from school connections with parents.
5. New freedom is exciting and can be overwhelming with choices.
6. You wonder what will give you meaning beyond parenting.
7. Solo or married, it is a grieving for the life and role you had with your kids.
8. Some can’t wait for them to leave the house and that too is “normal.”
9. Other loses from your past may surface and bring deep feelings.
10. Parents have shared with me that they realize they don’t have forever like they use to think they have, another end of innocence.
11. You wonder about your marriage? Does it need a shift, an ending, a slight tweak?
There are so many thoughts and feelings that pop up at this stage of life. No one needs to go through it alone.
Self-care, know this unknown won’t last forever, and let yourself be yourself.
Hugging someone goodbye that you love is sad. Sad is simply a feeling and not the all of you. I remember a mom said, “If I start to cry, I am afraid I won’t stop, so I hate crying.”
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
In our parent group, I suggested each share what they will miss and what they look forward to when they aren’t parents every day. I suggested they remember to allow different parts of them to speak, the confident one, the brave one, the sad one, the freedom one, etc. We forget we have so many parts within us when sadness grips. Tears are a great thing even though I have never met one person who likes to cry unless they are alone. Even alone, the beginning of tears feels the worst because you don’t want to “go there,” partially for fear you won’t, “get out.”
Tips for the goodbye:
1. Say what you want to say and think about what that might be before you have that last moment on campus.
2. Write a note ahead of time and hand it to them or tuck it someone that you know they will see when you are gone. Maybe telling them you believe in them and you are there for them no matter what, if that is true for you. Yes, a love note. Who wouldn’t want one of those at any age?
3. Let them lead in arranging their room or what they want to do that day or evening. You know this to be true and naturally, you just want a little more time to nurture…”make it happen easily.”
4. Ask how you can help while driving or flying there. They might not know until there. I imagine, like my kid, they are both excited and nervous so not much into planning.
5. It is their new friends, not your social hour. Sorry for that harshness. Be in the background.
6. Let them know you will be sending a care package.
7. Make a medical kit and leave it in the room…Tylenol, Pepto Bismol, protein drink, vitamin C, parent’s numbers and doctor back home numbers, Band-Aids, thermometer, whatever they used at home.
8. Talk before you hug goodbye about communication styles, texting, email, Skype, and be flexible with the outcome and times you would like them to connect. They will do what they want to do even though you don’t like that idea. Great to say what you would like and pause and see if you would want to be calling home that much when you were their age. Reality vs. unrealistic expectations.
9. Ask if they want to be told on the phone if a grandparent, etc. is ill or how they want that communication.
10. Talk about money and budget before the car ride to college.
11. It is OK for them to see you cry. Just let them know beforehand that you might cry and it is normal. They don’t have to do anything. Just let you be. You will be fine. Love brings tears.
12. You can’t tell them enough what it is you specifically love about them . Say it. They love to hear it as well as stories about them. Focus is on them, and what’s new about that…not much.
13. Let yourself meander about how wonderful your new freedom will be.
14. Acknowledge to yourself how you have been a positive parent and person in their life and probably also to their friends. You can write yourself a letter or say it within yourself.
15. You raised them to be happy and independent. How would you have liked to be treated when you left home?
16. Technology makes it easier to stay connected. Stop. Let them lead. Count to five, asking, do I need to connect now or can I wait? It takes practice to stand back and observe. You will walk with more paradoxes now than before. When you miss them so much, you will text or call. You might keep that phone velcroed for a while. (I did) You don’t want to miss that call and it happens that you will miss it. You call back and they don’t pick up or they email and you email back and you don’t hear from them for a week.
Some kids don’t even read email. I know that is surprising. That is why it helps to talk about communication styles before you say goodbye.17. Be sweet to yourself during this major transition. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend who misses someone they love.
18. Be with people who understand your journey of change. This is an ending to the role you had as parent and a beginning of a new parenting role. It is more about re-connecting with yourself and moving into adult to adult relationship with your kids. Takes practice and mistakes.
Take good care.
May your goodbye bring back to you, deep appreciation of yourself and those you love.
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
My daughter is leaving in two weeks for her dream college life. I want a dream too. We are close and still I am the mom, not her best friend. I have been sad and excited all summer with this big change coming.
I made a list one late night of what my dream would be. I wanted to open an orphanage when I was in my twenties or be a nurse. I am going to learn how I can do something with people who have less than I. I want to make a difference like I have in being a mom. I am not too old to go back to college or help in a foreign country or even in the great USA. Maybe I will take classes locally or maybe I will get a mentor of how to move into this new me. It honestly helps me at night to think about my dream. Still I get sad. Sad I am older. Sad she is so far away. Sad I have to let her grow without me by her side in the next room. Sad life is so fast. I tell myself not to worry that it is a waste of my thoughts. Usually I don’t worry. Now the worry is like a distraction from the emptiness. I have no idea what my life will be like the day after she is in the dorm and I am in this great home. I think I will feel her gone. I never like goodbyes. I am the one that says, see you soon.
I just remind myself it is time for me to learn. Learn how to let go of what I had and hope for what will be. Learn anything, something new to make me feel great. Learn about day to day without being mom. I am not one to write or journal. I want people around me so we can talk about whatever. I am not sure who will be in my friend circle since I am single. Life changed so much with divorce and now it changes, again. Being mom has been close and then far, over and over. I don’t know how to really say it. I never thought about me becoming this age that I am now. Busy and full life of work, marriage, kids, family, friends, and then single and now empty nester. Sounds so old. I am not old at all. I am just not holding the hands I held every day.
I will just be who I am, uncertain, happy, and eager to learn. I just don’t want life to be busy. I want it to be connected somehow. My parents were always busy and didn’t chat about much. I don’t want to be so predictable in this new stage of my life. I am just wondering what new things are other parents thinking about being or doing?
Thanks,
Ally
Today with the trauma of loss in Colorado I am worrying more. I know it doesn’t do me any good to worry. I am a great mom. I just don’t know who I am when he is in college. I do worry about his wellness more than his safety. I worry about what will grab my interests.
Boys are different than girls when it comes to self-care. He won’t see a doctor even if he has a fever. He will lay in his dorm bed and wait it out. I am packing a first aid kit with common needs. I want to be his nurse. I want to be his cheer leader. I want to be his buddy. There, I said it. It is embarrassing to say. I want to still be in the loop of his everyday life. I figured something out last night. I just want to hear his voice because that tells me so much. If he is fine, I am good.
My letting go of my need to hear him will take me as long as it takes me. I am his mom. I am not his best friend. It ended when he was in fifth grade. I am alright with that for sure. I am not alright with his being so far away. Did I teach him what he needs to know for now? Will he be kind to people? Will he bounce back if he gets hurt or makes mistakes? I think so but he is with no one he knows and in a new city, so I don’t really know how he will react.
I just need to let go. I need to believe he has what he needs and when he trips, he will find his way back up. He can call. He might not. He wouldn’t want to worry me. I told him to call no matter what happens. I told him I can handle good and bad news. I can’t handle not hearing from him. I don’t want him to feel like he has to have me on his mind. He has to pay attention to his new life. I am in the back room, so to speak.
See, I can’t really think about what I want yet. I need to have him settled then I can. My way is to try and get in front of situations and I can’t do that when he is gone. I bet that will be a good thing for me to drop. He needs to carry his own suitcase.
What will be in mine? How will his first week at college be? So happy for him and that he is on his way to new dreams. I am going to go see what he is doing right now. Just a peak into his room and that is all I need today. I just need to see him in his room. I think I am rattled more than I thought with what parents are going through now that their lives are so wounded from death.
Perspective. I just got it. Thanks for listening here.
Caroline
A mother called in a panic that she had a fight with her son and he walked out, slamming the door. He leaves in three weeks for college. She feels he has already left. She wept.
You will make mistakes in parenting. Sooner than later, both will feel better with a real apology. Not the unrealistic one that says I will never do that again. Sorry, Sorry. I will do better. Sorry, Sorry.
If that has worked for you than great. If not, maybe be more specific in your apology by digging deeper into a conversation with yourself. What was up for you then? What have you been feeling? What have you been thinking about daily? You want access to the deeper conversations with yourself. For some it is questions that open that path, for others it is getting outside for a walk, some write, pray, ask for help, etc.
Each blow up with someone you love can help you learn more about who you are and aren’t. New action, which research now shows, takes about 21 DAYS shows you it isn’t instant.
One family decided to remind each other that they are working on, for example, listening more rather than jumping in to solve a situation. Another shared that they get really anxious before the big hug goodbye because the fear is worse than the reality of goodbye. Their behavior is to try and control more. They are practicing reality checks during the day in the sense that life without their daughter at home won’t be as horrible as they imagine. They will be alright and crying is expected.
It was interesting to me that three clients I have all were looking for new jobs with the same behavior that wasn’t working for them. They weren’t using resources like resume experts, asking friends and family for contacts, or getting face to face with people during the week and weekend. They were using Facebook and craigslist. They didn’t have a card to give that included their phone number and name and then adding a note on the back of the card, tailored to that specific connection. People will wait while you write something for them on the back of your card.
It just was a habit they had to only look online. Once seeded with new ways to transition, they got to it. They needed to add to their day, exercise, compassion, and perseverance. The big tip was not to take it PERSONALLY when they got a NO. Keep going. Assess any changes you need to make in your presentation, expectations, and references. We talked about rejections actors and authors get and they still pursue their passion. You can develop other parts of yourself so your whole identity isn’t the worker bee.
Who doesn’t need inspiration when changing behaviors? No matter how old you are, you land in spots where you feel stuck and disappointed. What seems to help you shift a behavior? What are you saying inside your precious head that just might not be true?
Here’s to practicing new behaviors and catching yourself sooner when you detour?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I wish I could leave. I the mom am always the responsible one. I want to have an adventure. I am well educated. Once I get my two kids off in August I am going to take an adventure in October.
I am divorced now, so I travel solo. I will relax, be entertained in a big new city, and eat whatever my heart desires.
My kids are happy for me as long as my cell phone is with me. They want me available.
I love music so concerts are on my list. I realized no one is really going to get me to my dream but me. So I am off for my own adventure. I love the research of the trip. I do wish I had someone to go with but I will make friends wherever I am.
I am wondering what adventures other parents are taking after their kids leave home.
Allison
My friend is attached to her phone waiting for that happy call from her daughter, “Mom, get here. Baby is on the way.” First time grandmother is feeling life couldn’t be any happier for her entire family. She adores her daughter and son in law. She is canceling what she can to be available for this initiation of new life.
In the past, grandmother to be, traveled challenges and learned she wanted to be where she wanted to be and with the people whom she loves dearly. She laughed telling me that right now is the only good news of being beyond the age of 60. She is wiser and not looking at herself as much in the mirror for how do I look but more for how ya doin today?
What we talked about in the midst of laughing and presents and wonderment was the question, “How can you be a CONSCIOUS GRANDMOTHER?” She has worked on herself love and growth for years and now has an opportunity to practice the learnings, again.
No perfection and no unrealistic expectations, are two of her top reminders. She will be sharing her daughter and grandchild and that isn’t easy for her since she wants to be THE GRANDMOTHER.
Adolescent behavior visits uninvited. Possession and inflation. “No one could be as great a mother or grandmother than she. No one deserves the time more than me for the challenges I went through raising my not easy child.”
Laughter bounced through the room at how we want what we want. She journals for sanity and power walks. She knows she will over step her place. Thank goodness for compassion and I am sorry.
Her longing is simply to have time with her daughter and granddaughter. Spoiling will be easy. Hugging goodbye will be painful.
What are your tips for first time grandparents?
Happy Summer,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
In four weeks, but who’s counting, my son will not be in his room, day or night, weekday or weekend. That just doesn’t seem real and still I cry just writing it to all of you. I am his mom. He is my son who is ready to live his dream of college. Proud and shocked. He was afraid to be held by strangers and now he will be living with them. Well you know what I mean. His friends that I adore will be scattered on the map, happy to begin their future. I don’t know that i will see their parents. I think those school days and gatherings are over. Relationships will be different because our kids don’t bring us together. Some I will see because we are true friends. Two , I guess.
I won’t keep his door closed. I just won’t be sitting in there or gathering stuff from the floor. He will be home for Thanksgiving. Doesn’t that sound crazy, far away? It is summer. The week before he leaves we are making no plans… I am sure he will be with friends. I have planned a Sunday with family two weeks before he flies. My list is long of things to do before he leaves. It helps to be busy and feel needed for now. See, that is what changes. He needs me less. His peers have been a big influence. Good ones for sure. I talk myself out of getting immobile. I tell myself that after the first week, I will be fine. I think that might not be true. I just don’t know how I will be or what I want to do with the free time. I am the kind that plans. I can’t plan this emptiness. I am ok with crying. I just don’t want to make a pool of it. Me the strong one, the get up and go one, might be down. I just don’t know what I will be. I think that is a problem. This not knowing makes me anxious because he is my son, my baby boy. My good night moon and my morning sunshine.
Yes, I have a partner and friends and siblings and colleagues. I won’t have my tall son in the other room or the school yard. No need to buy his favorite cereal. Oh, I could buy it for a care package. I will just skip that aisle in the market. At least for as long as I want to skip that aisle. I won’t drive by his school, that is for sure. No need to force the falling tears. Ok enough for now. Who else is thinking about their almost empty nest? I can’t be the only mom who just loves her son and is so happy for him and right now sad for me.
Thanks,
Cindy
A family shared with me that more than anything, they appreciate their freedom. Each night they light a candle, all eight of the family members and say, “THANK YOU THAT WE ARE TOGETHER. THANK YOU THAT WE ARE FREE.”
They have been wounded, lost, hungry, alone, separated, and terrified.
Yes, they have days where they never think about that time of life. Their evenings bring them together with the candle ritual that sometimes drops tears. Kisses go around. Lights out. New day tomorrow.
Our neighborhood celebrates 4th of July, each year, with a neighborhood parade, including all the kids who decorate their bikes, tables of pot luck food to share, a hula hoop contest, music, red , white and blue flags, and an all-around good feeling. Some years, the local firemen come by in their truck and the kids go crazy with excitement.
Hope you have a fun celebration,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
A mother gave me permission to share this story with you.
Summer and the living is easy. Not for her. Her mind traps her like bricks on her face. She can’t see her beauty or feel her confidence. This is new for her. Sure she has felt bricks on her face in past years. Stuckness makes her feel insecure, childish, unlovable, unattractive, sluggish, and unwanted.
Part of what triggered this cycle was rejection. She wanted a work opportunity and didn’t get it when all seemed on track. Hopes were high. Three fun work projects didn’t happen. They might in the future. Today she is deeply disappointed.
She was also looking forward to being with her girlfriends for a fun weekend and they cancelled. Her perception of rejection and not being wanted all came from women.
She is an over doer, confident, and successful. She prides herself in falling and getting backup pretty quickly. She is loyal and hopeful. She usually shifts in a day. Not this time.
Surprisingly, what entered her into a deeper conversation with me was her gaining weight. She shared that she hasn’t gained weight in years. Weight gain makes her feel out of control, unloved, and judged. The television news was talking about everyone losing weight. She was adding pounds.
The deeper conversation was about her head pushing her with past criticism from her mother. When her mother occupies her head, her inner child is running her life, verses her adult woman. A child doesn’t have the tools to see what is real. The adult woman can handle whatever life brings and not like what she is dealt.
She felt like her blood was thinning too much. Interesting image. That is another story.
Good news is, this DEEPER CONVERSATION connected her to a lost part of herself. She became a little inflated with success. She kept pushing from her bright intellect and left behind her feminine gifts. When times get challenging, her style has been to push harder, do more, rise up, and go for more doors that might open. What she discovered, was that she was being invited to GO WITHIN rather than cheer lead ahead. She wept.
Of course there is more to her experience. Disappointments feel horrible. You feel irritable and your perception of your life is often out of focus. This mother is going to take time to nap, journal, and be present with herself and others. She will check in with what she is feeling, thinking and needing daily.
She might do some drumming, prayer for being and opening to her feminine, float in water, dance at home, and sit under the moon light in her yard. She wants to feel that she is good enough no matter if she gains weight, is left out of a party invite, doesn’t get a work gig, or has time solo.
Return to love…… She usually spends time there and for today, she lost the love and got caught in the negative and untrue voices.
We all have times when we feel deeply disappointed and unlovable. There is a gift in the “uncomfortable feelings and thought.” New parts are available to hold your hand. Meet them.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org