Maybe it is the warmth and long sunshine days that are affecting parents feeling good or maybe it is they have more inner resources. A group shared with me that they are getting so much better at letting it go. The nagging is less, the carrying around their cell phone 24/7 in the hopes of it ringing with their child on the other end, the, “what’s your plan,” is less asked.
As we stayed longer and dove deeper, part of the shift is, “ITS JUST NOT WORTH WRECKING MY DAY.” Letting go isn’t a constant. It is fun when it happens.
Their practice was to notice what pushed their buttons and what helped them to shift.
Tool box varied:
1. Am I upset because I didn’t say something the other day and now I am over the top?
2. Did I get some loving so I am less attached?
3. Does it really matter right now?
4. What would help me today?
5. Do I have something to look forward to so this is just a pebble not a rock in the kitchen?
6. Are my morning pages of writing really helping me?
7. Is that art class lifting my spirits?
The list goes on and you get the idea.
All said that pausing really helped verses automatic response. “gotta think about that…I will get back to you tonight.”
Expectations got a reality check so that fantasy didn’t blind them. “We always have July 4th together. What do you mean you aren’t going to be here?”
Long story short, her son wanted to do something else. Mom wanted same same. He gets to do his choice and she is fine now.
All of them have been attending to what they need in a day even if it doesn’t happen. Just thinking about the need, helped. They weren’t as frustrated because they spent a little time thinking about themselves. Nurture, nurture.
One mom said she didn’t listen to the voice that said, “I’m ok. I just don’t need to push myself and go to the gym.” She goes to the gym three times a week, now.
FEELING GOOD.
We forget to notice those great feel good days that have no problems. I say take a peek. What did make you happy?
Happy Summer,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
She can’t afford a getaway this summer. Family vacation before he leaves for college isn’t happening. Tears are falling and it is summer. Here is what you could gather for yourself:
1. Healing energy of water. Walk by it. Step in it. Let it float you.
2. Shift things in your living room and bedroom. Make it feel different to you.
3. Get a box of pastels, colored pencils, paper, crayons, and doodle or draw.
4. New music to listen to at home.
5. Research a class you might take. Give it a try. You can change your mind.
6. Two new recipes for summer cooking.
7. Plan a small gathering for September, even one other person to be with, and mark the date.
8. De-clutter room by room with music playing to keep you going. Toss, donate, and keep. Let yourself LET GO.
9. Do you want a dart board?
10. Ask a neighbor if they want to walk, even if you don’t know them well. Not a regular time, just ask for one walk time and see how it goes.
11. Eat outside.
12. Look at the moon before you go to sleep.
13. Write thank you notes to anyone who comes to mind… THANK YOU FOR….
14. Buy a new…..
15. Mark play time on your weekly calendar and go play.
16. Empty your photos and leave the space open, empty for a new…
17. Plant something, even an herb. Oh ya, water it, duh…
18. If you are the leader and no one else is, then lead. Make a fun plan.
19. Explore a new part of your city in the early morning without traffic.
20. Ask for time together and talk about what would be fun. Ask.
21. Plan a getaway after summer, even if for one evening.
22. Beauty in each room. What is beauty to you?
23. Ask for help about something, anything?
24. Eat dessert first, in the morning, before your routine day.
25. Write a love note.
26. Begin something, anything.
27. If “one window is closed, find one that is open”
28. Concerts in the park. You can handle the drive and crowd.
29. Do what you thought would be out of your comfort zone, one time.
30. What does your local college offer for a day of fun?
Pick something fun to do before summer ends. One friend of mine wants to swing in a hammock. Another is going to visit a niece. Another explored the city online that her daughter will be studying abroad. She got a big jar and is dropping in money, hoping to see her daughter in that foreign city.
A dad made a list of what he won’t do that could bug his son and is giving it to him in a new wallet, yes and adding some $. One family is going to drive to a drive-in with homemade goodies in the car.
A single mom made a trade for a handy person to help her out and she will cook a take home meal. A woman is keeping a summer journal. Another woman is making no plans and wants to be spontaneous on the weekends.
What would you like to gather?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I need to change. Here’s my story.
I do and did too much for my child as he was growing up. I had guilt about being gone and a bad childhood relationship with my parents. I over compensate for my past. I want to be liked so I give and give and give to my kids. Not spoil. Available too much.
Well, yes, it is hard to say NO when they ask for money for the prom bus or a concert or clothes. I sound crazy.
I am well educated and successful in my field. Loved and loving. It is just all this talk about parenting and do this and not that feels crazy.
My kids aren’t murderers or slouching all day. They are young.
My biggest shift is not being pulled in by wanting to be their best friend. I am over that now.
Don’t ask me how long it took to get over that. I will always want them to like me. Humans do want to be liked.
Of all the relationships I have, parenting rocks me. I can be so happy and then so on the floor with hurt. I think it is because I love so much and there too is the over involved. I am working on that, too.
If my kids look great to the world then I win the gold trophy. I want that.
SO, IS THIS PERSON LIKE YOU IN ANY WAY? She is a wonderful client and I learn from her. Guess I should split the bill. She is honest about her happiness and her pain. EXPECTATIONS is an art piece she made for herself as a reminder to stay aware of fantasy vs. reality.
She had a TALK with her kids. She shared that she was working on issues of parenting. She named two issues…unrealistic expectations and fear of not being liked. She figured they weren’t even interested in her issues.
Surprise. They were. She kept the TALK to twenty minutes because she over talks. She felt great after being vulnerable and somewhat supported by them. Oh the story goes on with such learning and pain and courage to start over, again and again.
Parents make mistakes. Kids make mistakes. Keep learning and talking. Ask for help. Let it go. Begin again. Forgive the past. Make plans to have what you need.
Go into a room to chat without expecting the ending to be how you want it to be.
Did you like it when your parents related to you as you relate to your kids?
Is there something you long to have to nurture you?
Parents, your kids will grow up. Just not on your schedule.
Happy Summer,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
It is supposed to be a carefree summer feeling. I think I am worrying more than having summer fun.
August is soon and my nest will be empty. I have to be strong and not weep, except in the car when I am alone. Well, I weep because I can’t help it. Why didn’t I know this was such a time of mixed big feelings? No one talked about empty nest, ever. The news acts like it is no big feeling or kids come back and the nest isn’t empty. Not true here.
My neighbor’s kid came back but she feels empty and frustrated. We need to talk about all this. Did you guys just stay busy? Did you feel ok by December or when? Busy doesn’t take this feeling away for me even though I work and have a busy life.
My kids are different and I need to be too but how do you be different and be mom?
This is not one of my best days and I bet it is how the summer goes and even after we carry the stuff, unpack, and drive away. I have no idea what that will be like except for tears and then ok and then tears, I guess. I just don’t want to be alone with this big big change.
Mary
Summer sweetness. A woman shared with me that what she wanted to change was being so hard on herself. I laid out photos. She chose two, one the sweetness of these nectarines, the other the hydrangeas.
We wrote, side by side, silently about summer. Sharing her words that she wished were brilliant, AKA, the pusher, we laughed. The rest of the session is private.
What I can tell you is, SUMMER is a shift, again, rolling open a freshness, inviting you to light your load, allow the sunshine on you.
What would help you to play more… a post it by the mirror, saying, OUTSIDE NOW, a photo, your shorts and flip flops on the chair prepared for a new day, a basket of peaches from the farmer’s market, windows wide open?
Make a plan. Mark it on your weekly calendar.
Solo or coupled, summer is wide open. Go play. Leave early. Stay late.
Summer, long light, sweet tastes, and time for you. What do you think would be fun?
When I mentored a mother, starting over with a wonderful business idea, her homework on the weekend was to go to a museum and notice what colors she repeated loved looking at that day. When she got back home, the end of the assignment, was to take her pastels, and colored pencils and only use the colors she was drawn to that day in the museum.
Share the drawings with me, next session. WOW, that is all I can reveal for that summer fun day she had with color. HELLO SUMMER….what stories will you be sharing?
Have fun,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, MariaShriver.com, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
None of those photos are my dad. They are my dad’s imaginary best friends.
I loved seeing him, just home from a match, club bag on arm and clicking sounding shoes, coming across the floor.
Not his profession, his weekend obsession. If he wasn’t in a game, as he grew frail, he and I would curl up, TV on high volume, cheering about something that I never did figure out, except when the white ball rolled on the green and into that circle.
He wasn’t into teaching. The match was his relaxation time. I just wanted to be by him. That is the memory that popped in right now. Me with a big smile.
He had a special wooden salad bowl, painted with flowers, by me, that I now have, since his death. I have his patterned pull over sweater in my closet. I have his love for me, always, in my eyes and heart. I hope he has my love for him, always, in his eyes and heart. Love has no end, does it……?
Dads, Fathers, Papas, all celebrated, some with a favorite meal, a tie, a hand print, a Popsicle stick frame, a love card, a picnic, a bike ride, a gadget, basketball game, or even an album of memories.
Dads, just writing the word and hearing DAD in my head, I see him, still tall , dark and handsome to ME. Gentle anchor. He didn’t need much.
Peace and quiet after a long, six day work week. A giggle, time together, a story about the day. Happy Father’s Day.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Parents are proud and always wanting the best for their kids. Here is a list of “gifts” that parents want their kids to pack:
1, Ask yourself if you really need to spend money on that today?
2. Will you call without my asking you to call? Will you text or email?
3. Don’t tell me what you know is none of my business and I won’t look at your Facebook page.
4. Timer app to check the parking meter
5. Easy steps to keep your home clean. A bucket with a handle for cleaning supplies
6. Two recipes so you can eat in and not out. Try to cook them.
7. List of what to buy at your local Farmer’s Market, seasonally.
8. Car maintenance check sheet in the bathroom.
9. Pantry must haves beyond crackers and cereal
10 Say thank you and how can I help, daily.
11. Write thank you notes.
12. Read the news.
13. Find joy.
14. Mistakes are learnings – not failures.
15. Ask for help.
16. Get to the doctor sooner than later when you are sick.
17. App to pay bills on time that is a nonstop beep until paid.
18. Walk away.
19. Use the iron.
20. Yoga is a happy face.
21. Doodle
22. Get outside
23. Plant an herb pot for flavor like cilantro or basil.
24. Wear a helmet when you bike.
25. Laundry. Nothing else to say about that…
26. What would you add to this list?
Have fun on your new adventure. I love you no matter what. It will pass. Keep going. Weep. Go outside your comfort zone. Pause.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
A mom called today sharing her tears and excitement about her son heading to college in August. She is full of energy and late night exhaustion. She feels like a storm is coming but has no interest in preparing.
Summer will pass quickly and then she will face emptiness. She asked me to remind her that she will collapse and then rise again. Normal journey in transitions.
She knew she would fall in love with her baby. She just never heard anyone talk about the fall from goodbye. She is setting her sails now on having the softest aloe Kleenex as needed and enjoying summer with the whole family together.
Moms, Dads, celebrating their children growing up, stepping up towards adulthood. Parents are wondering what will it be like to be an adult beyond parenting?
What new meaning and joys will they step up towards?
Do you have suggestions for them?
Have fun,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Our Empty Nest Support Group shares with you our creative new ideas. Read the list and giggle.
I suggested we take 15 minutes to write about: What if you were one of the top ten in an upcoming field or expertise? What would that field be for you?
You had a support team. You were financially backed. Your health was strong. You had the time.
Here is a list of What If’s:
1. I would take photos of three women living an ordinary life. All would be 50 plus. Then I would photo three children 4 plus and notice similarities in a day and differences. The book would be a success and the documentary would be filmed.
2. I would make a neighborhood connection seeing what each household needed and then get volunteers to pull our community together.
3. I would mentor adults on how to make a play time every week that was in different locations just in their neighborhood. Then, I would have each person write a short story or do an art piece from that experience to remind them new things are possible.
4. I would start a silent walk under the moon once a month and then each month meet at another’s home to share a meal and laugh.
5. I would ask for help for three months every day and keep a journal about that experience.
6. I would sing again for a holiday performance and post it on UTUBE. Then I would make cards with whatever came from that experience THE JOY OF SINGING.
7. I would be a top interior designer who simply showed beauty by changing rooms once a month and adding one object of color.
8. I would be the expert in story telling which made solutions for relationships easier and quicker.
9. I am the make a date matter expert. Say the truth and put your needs on the table.
10. I am known as the de-stressor tool woman. I come to your home and make a space with simple daily tools to practice well-being.
Aren’t these all fun and exciting inspirations? What would you add to this list for yourself and to inspire others?
WHAT IF WE REALLY SUPPORTED EACH OTHER? LISTENED, INSPIRED, AND MADE A CHOICE TO HELP.
WHAT WOULD YOU HELP SOMEONE DO?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Did you speak up or let it be? A woman I worked with didn’t think it was ok for her to share with her kids that she wanted what she wanted, which was to make her own choices about whether to travel or stay home.
She used the words, wanted what she wanted because that was the unspoken truth. It is her choice and she forgot that thought. Yes, she heard all the reasons why she needed to go on a trip to “get out there” and yet she didn’t think it was ok for them to hear all her reasons of why not to go. Differences happen. Who gets the final vote?
A college grad told me she didn’t want to come back home. She feared the lectures and lack of trust her parents fed to her. She can feed herself, was her response. She had a plan that paid the summer bills.
Her parents had a plan for her to be home for a change. They truly believed it was the right thing for her daughter to work in their home town and be with the family.
What do you think she did? She spoke up, listened, made a choice, including the consequences and worked away from her home town for the summer. Her parents turned around and realized it was their daughter’s choice. The parents, as all do, got caught in the role they used to play and forgot they were still learning how to be a parent to an adult child.
Divorce, fueled by hurt, helps in speaking up, and yet fear is fear. A man wanted his wife to know he didn’t do a good job as husband but he said it too often and it washed down the drain. This time he came up with a new idea, he was generous with her and that was his speaking up decision. No longer apologizing but stepping up with an action.
Women have shared with me in our groups that they no longer enjoy the longtime friends they have. They wanted to find the words to say goodbye and then make new friendships.
Have you been in that situation?
Each reviewed what they were receiving and giving in the friendship. All realized they had carried each other’s history and that had a deep value. Was the giving and receiving tipped in one direction more than the other too often.
In what situation were your feelings hurt? Did you express it at the time? Do you need to say it now? Are you open to them being more of a listener for you? Can you make a short list of what truly matters in that friendship and ask if they want to contribute that to the friendship.
One woman shared that a shallow friendship, one that doesn’t dive deep, is OK if it is fun and giving. Another woman, as we often talked about, longed for deeper conversations with a friend. She didn’t have the energy or time for a dozen and wanted three that added a lift to her and wonderment about life.
When is the last time you told a friend your hurt feelings and what you would like in the friendship? Did it help you?
Even if a friendship ends, speaking up might be a healer for you, don’t you think?
Cutting all friendships from your life might not be the healthiest decision and yet that is what one woman wanted to do. She decided to sit with all those complex feelings for a week, journaling, before she made a phone call. In the end, she said goodbye to two and named the behaviors of why she no longer wanted to feed the friendship, one being that her friend was negative and needy rather than shifting and giving. She thought before she called about the anger that might fly or the begging for another chance. She decided she could handle those behaviors more than the lack of fun she was having in that friendship.
Leaving a job where you don’t feel valued is common. Talking about your feelings brings up trust and punishment, doesn’t it? Do you think it helps to express the positive as well as the challenges or just say what is frustrating you?
Three women told their story of meeting with their bosses and holding the line. They made a list of pros and cons of their job title. They listed their needs which weren’t about money alone and yes about being heard and acknowledged.
It is human to want feedback about your work, the good and the not so good, so you have choices of how to make a change. Two left the job and one worked it out, now being happy. All learned more about themselves in the decision process. They could handle the unknown.
When the pain is more than the gain, practice the thoughts and words you want to express when you aren’t attached to the ending nor stomping in a tantrum. Curiosity and compassion, as you know, are two of my longtime friends. Open to possibilities and take a step outside your comfort zone. You are already unhappy and that you know. Imagine what you don’t know, yet.
Hope those difficult conversations become a growing edge for you and a place of knowing yourself better. You don’t have to have a perfect script. Mistakes happen. Starting over is an option when you deeply feel the pain you have put on another.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
“EMPTY NEST: LIFE BEYOND PARENTING, NOW WHAT?” was an article I wrote, featured on www.MariaShriver.com .
If you missed it, here it is for you.
http://mariashriver.com/blog/2012/04/empty-nest-life-beyond-parenting-now-what
What tip would you pass on to another parent?
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
We just wept and clapped at his high school graduation. All these people we have known for years now going different ways. Will I stay connected to these parents? Will he see his high school friends again? I think about that because that is what ends today.
Bake sales, parent meetings, after school sports, dances, mall runs, forgotten books in the locker, girlfriend and no girlfriend, popular and not, smart and not, caring and selfish. Who will sit in his seat at school? At home, that seat will be empty. Not real to me.
We cooked together or at least he showed up with the smell of chicken and rice. How often will I get to visit him?
I just ask questions so tears won’t take me down deeper. Although most of my questions make me cry. It is over, the little boy. It is over, the everyday chatter and reminders and nite-nite. I will be happy for him, just not feeling that now. I am feeling blank. I am so glad he graduated and has doors open for his future.
Me, not sure about my future. Not deeply in love anymore and still a good man. Me. Who is ME? I just want to sit outside with a latte. Sit. I don’t want to decide anything after the lists it took to get to today. Summer is more lists. Parties of goodbye. Then the so called DROP OFF at his dorm. I want to just SIT.
Thanks for having this website for all of us. I am not alone, am I? I wonder who I will grow to be with more free time. I hope I won’t become a worrier, well not everyday worrier. That would be a waste of my life.
Anonymous
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org