Empty nesters, as well as all parents, wonder, am I over parenting? Once a parent, always a parent.
Yes, your role changes as your children long for more independence and individuation and at the same time, they are uncertain about themselves. Bottom line is they do want you to be there for them and encourage them by letting them know you believe in them.
Of course, you have days where you want to slam the door and you don’t think they will get beyond their demonstrated behaviors that spin you and them. Who doesn’t make mistakes or have nasty, mean days?
Ask your children how you are doing as their parent and ask them what they need. Of course, do this on a day when you are feeling GREAT and can receive the good, the bad, and the ugly, don’t you think? Sometimes they will say, “I don’t know.” What did happen, though, is they heard you ask.
Parenting has grown me in ways I like and don’t like.
I am motivated by being a good role model. I am human by wanting to be treated like I like to be treated.
Ouch is a word I use and even leaving a room if I need to self-care. Parenting….a teacher of the moment. A button pusher…. A smile bigger than you knew you had…. A warm tear on your face…. A dream….An acceptance and hope…..A role that shifts and turns…..
A goodbye to what was and hello to an unknown and a disappointment for what you thought it would be and a reality of what the relationship truly is today. We parents love talking about our role and feeling a community no matter what age we are or our children are. We love hearing sweetness about our children.
I remember a very successful, public figure lighting up in a way I never had seen her light when she spoke about her college son. We hope to hear we are doing a great job as a parent. No matter what, we are parents on joyous and challenging days.
I have no regrets for this role I play. I hope to have a long road being a mother. Here is an in the moment list about PARENTING ADVICE:
1. Take a view
2. Step a side
3. Lean in and grab a hug
4. Listen
5. Pause before a call or text
6. Describe the behavior and let the impact land in the heart.
7. Let them lead.
8. Stay curious
9. Feel compassionate
10. Focus on yourself care
11. Have fun…fun….fun…
12. Let life teach them…
13. Surprise them….
14. Ask for what you want…..
15. Say sorry with an example of your behavior
16. Say YES more than NO….
I could keep this going and each could have a story beside the above statements. If you want a story for a teaching purpose, email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
What would you add to this list called PARENTING? I forgot what a woman shared yesterday during our telephone session, “Parenting makes me want to start over with my parents.”
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
You like predictability and a path. You got a call that stopped the familiar. After talking about the sudden change over and over, a good thing for you, you wept.
Part of your talking with your friends was a way of feeling that anyone would be upset with that news.
You wanted to feel part of “normalcy” and not a misfit. When your vulnerability gets launched without your own ignition, you go on tilt. Who wouldn’t?
When this woman and I spoke on the phone, I asked if she wanted to have a deeper conversation.
Initially of course, she shared what she felt and feared and we began right where she needed to be. Sometimes, you long for a deeper conversation about your life and you don’t know how to begin.
Part of what she bravely unfolded was that she feared being invisible if she weren’t always on and happy. She didn’t think anyone would invite her over or be her “best friend.”
Growing is a life journey and you forget that fact. You get stuck in the I AM AN ADULT NOW and should be all I am by now.
Tears fall for not being “done yet,” with growing. You want life to be peaceful and happy.
When I mentioned that to her, she was surprised to hear within herself, “that is only for monks.” “Well, may I speak with the monk inside you,” I asked. Just that thought opened her to more tears and a letting go feeling.
You simply begin something and a door opens right there. You can unfold your new road and take a turn that you didn’t think you ever would take.
So what would be outside the box experience for you? What turn would be surprise you welcome?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
A woman shared with me that she was ready for a re-invention.
She is competitive and wanted to be top in her new adventure. We met the other part of her, as you know I talk about the orchestra of selves that live within you and want to be heard. She met the one who is ok with being ordinary. We had a great time dialoguing with these opposites.
Bottom line is she began small and checked in daily with the part of her that wanted to be top in her new adventure and the one who thinks ordinary is good enough. She made a chart showing a week that reminded her to check in daily with both sides of her inner self. She needed the accountability to stay on track with new behavior.
Today she is relieved to have spent time with the ordinary self and appreciate the go getter high achiever. She got to know more about who she is and isn’t.
Then she developed new skills to include the learning.
Frustration of course set in and lack of confidence because she was pulling up a part of herself that went dormant from decades ago. When she was younger, playing for the fun of playing was enough.
When she put on her adult hat, she forgot about the playful little one within her. Playing and ordinary days became friends. Not accomplishing anything was so uncomfortable for her …big pusher energy had quieted the playful one.
A tray of sand with a bamboo stick was the practice I suggested for her in order to simply play daily at home.
What new part of you wants to come out and possibly feed an undiscovered passion?
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Celebrate all the mothering you have given to others and that you have received over the precious years of your life.
“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all.”
— J.K. Rowlin
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Parents are supposed to have the answers. I remember a child sharing that with me. He said, “Well they are adults and adults got it together.”
Being an adult and human, doesn’t seem to connect when needed. Each of you has a part that needs nurturing and wisdom.
You go blank or you go on the spin of what if. What might be below the uncertainty is, vulnerability. Not knowing what to do or to choose, feels uncomfortable.
Look over to a wise part of you and ask, “What would be helpful today for me?” “What would be helpful today for me?” Ask more than once… Pause and see or hear or feel what pops. LET IT GO.
That is what a woman shared. She wept. It seemed so common and easy on the advice level and she wanted something more solid.
She shared more and we added, “Has it worked for you to not let go?” “Have you visited these same thoughts for too long?” “Does it keep you from being more of who you want to be?”
Each of us wrote those questions for ourselves, as did she. We all wrote, LET IT GO. During the week, the practice was to write for ten minutes:
1. I let go of…… (for her, being critical of myself from that event…I did what I could and I made mistakes)
2. I add what I appreciate about myself (for her, it was, being a listener)
3. I choose to….this week (for her, it was going to the gym)
Taking some self-exploration time is the deeper work you long to experience. Sometimes you want a hand to hold. Reach and be met right there.
Take good care,
Natalie
“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I loved being a mom even in the bratty times. I loved being a partner. Now both have ended. Well, not the mom of me, but the everyday mom. They are in college. I work and feel creative there.
I just never thought I wouldn’t have a happy marriage that lasts. I am a hard worker who doesn’t quit on friendships or a marriage. I can take feedback and make changes. What I can’t do is live the style of life he lives now.
I know the changes of my role with my kids will improve as I take time for me and simply listen more to them and not guide.
I want some support right now rather than my leading so many aspects of my life. I am tired. I stay positive by telling myself what is good in my life. Still, I need to be uplifted at times. My friends are great.
I know my partner and I don’t really want the same life for the next five years, yet alone forever. I need to let go because the actions don’t match the chatter.
I am realistic of the pain and all the details change will ask of me. We have tried everything for years to make the marriage better and it just isn’t going to happen.
A cloudy day as helped my tears to fall. I don’t have it all worked out. I am in the tears of goodbye for now. That is good enough, wouldn’t you say?
Thanks for listening,
Ally
No one is happy every day all day long, so that is a relief for the part of you that likes perfection and fantasy. Acceptance is possible when you notice that the change you wanted in someone you love isn’t showing up. Here is what the people in our groups shared that boosted their happy:
1. Shift your thinking to a positive thought verses spinning what didn’t happen that you really wanted.
2. Grieve for sure, a loud or soft weeping, talk about it and nurture yourself in the disappointment. It hurts when talking can’t make a change between two people.
3. Get moving, even if it is around your home, like cleaning a drawer or two or putting the clothes you haven’t worn in a year in a to go donation bag.
4. Remind yourself what you do appreciate about your personality.
5. Play music at home.
6. Do something in the arts that ups your creativity.
7. Have a do nothing scheduled day and night.
8. Think about what would be outside your box and go for it.
9. Write thank you notes.
10. Go to an afternoon movie.
11. Write all that you have done that made people happy. Make a list and read that list….It takes five minutes and your happy will be on again.
12. Cook for your neighbor.
13. Walk your neighbor’s dog for them.
14. What can you do today to feel better?
15. Remind yourself this feeling won’t last forever. It is a feeling and not a life.
16. Sit outside at a park with coffee or tea.
17. Buy a scent like lavender or pine that you could spray to refresh.
18. Start your day doing what is fun first and then the to do list.
19. Take a half day class and see if you like it.
20. Invite someone over…one or two is a good thing.
21. Ask for help. You forget to do that and you would help someone if they asked.
22. Get out of your neighborhood to a new one for a mini get away.
23. Get something delivered to you, like dinner, fruit basket.
24. Watch a U Tube of Kids playing
25. Freshen up with a roll on scent.
26. Plan a trip and ask a friend to plan with you.
27. Send an email to friends asking them what makes them happy when not feeling so happy for days.
28. What is the deeper meaning of your life besides for the roles you play?
29. What memory from childhood makes you happy?
30. Ask the wise part of you, within, to share what would lift your spirits today.
Happiness collapses and stands tall again and again. You have a full range of choices, feelings, thoughts, and inner parts to you. You simply need a reminder, a hand to hold, which includes your own, and the decision to make your life ok without having answers, yet. Weep when you feel the tears, using the softest Kleenex you can buy.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Life transitions, whether off to college or the spinning thoughts of, now what do I do with the impact of this news, raises sleeplessness and over eating.
A single woman shared in our support group that she just can’t focus or stop thinking about her financial changes.
Another younger woman is being pulled into the refrigerator ten times a day because the part of her that procrastinates deadlines is winning.
A devoted mother, doesn’t weep much but her fingernails have never been so chewed up because her endless to do list for high school graduation nears, her work schedule never travels a straight line, and then there is college drop off in August where she hugs her only child goodbye.
Kati is a single parent, recently divorced, who jumps months ahead about being with her ex-husband during college send off for their son.
The women and men in the groups have shared their lack of being able to let go at the end of a full day and their worries about relationships where tension is distancing fun times.
Tips For De-Stressing
1. Play music at home. Classical in the car.
2. Call someone to lift your spirits and receive a reality check.
3. Review and assess your situation, then remind yourself you are done thinking about that now. “Stop it,” might be helpful to say to yourself.
4. Get outside . Plant seeds. Walk around the block.
5. THIS WON’T LAST FOREVER, can be hopeful words to shift your energy.
Stress can be helpful to put you into new behavior and action. It won’t be gone forever. Life happens. You can have ways to support yourself through the challenging times. Tim reads poetry before bed even when he told me he could never get into that habit, he did.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
A teacher shared with me years ago, “Confusion is great.” I frowned because that made no sense. Now it does. Confusion takes you out of routine and what you believe to be true. It is a choice to bring up courage and trust. You have heard me say it before, TRUST IS EARNED. You lose trust in yourself and others.
Trust is not a given. You have more to lose than gain in the process of trusting because you can get hurt. Hurt is not the end. When you trust someone with private information and they tell your story to someone, you collapse from hurt. You have seen where you rise again, after weeping, expressing, and grieving what you thought to be true.
Confusion swirls you. I remember a woman shared with me that she told her sister never to tell anyone what she shared about something that happened to her in college. Her sister told a mutual friend. When someone breaks your trust, they need to earn it back. You get to decide how that earning happens and how to take care of yourself in the confusion and hurt.
You leave a job, a lover, a partner, a home, or a community. Between the goodbye and the new hug, your inner doubter voice will emerge. You have an orchestra of inner voices that want air time. The pusher, the critic, the fool, the child, etc.
The doubter is simply a voice among your crowd within. Rather than pushing that voice to dormancy, simply listen to what the doubter has to say and respond with, “THAT’S INTERESTING. THANK YOU. I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE.”
You can invite the wise voice to speak with you, “OF COURSE YOU DOUBT SINCE YOU ARE IN THE UNKNOWN. KEEP GOING. MAKE NO DECISIONS ABOUT WHAT’S NEXT, YET. ENJOY THE UNKNOWN AND THE YES’S and NO’S YOU FEEL.”
Not knowing is a good thing, as is confusion. BE WITH IT, RATHER THAN PRETENDING YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Ask for help and let your vulnerability be present. You would be there for someone who was in the unknown. Remind yourself of times you have left what you knew. What did you learn from that experience?
It sounds simple to say be available to yourself in the moment and yet, it isn’t. It takes practice. You lose present moment and come back… The key is to notice and come back. No one stays present to a moment all the time. False expectation.
When you are leaving and heading to the next, it is ok to be happy. Happy is a choice.
You get to be happy even if your life isn’t how you thought it would be. Maybe your practice could be to accept you don’t have answers yet and you are still happy with you.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Holidays like Passover and Easter bring memories and gatherings. You know who at the table might punch your button because they don’t believe in you for whatever reason. Don’t you count yourself out for happiness and success. Leave the room for a pause, use humor, like “thanks for sharing,” use a more direct line, “you think you know me and I think you don’t…if you get curious about me, just let me know.
Change is a journey. It is fun to learn more about who you are and aren’t if you see the journey as a learning and a time of practicing compassion.
Some days you will be kind to yourself or critical. The hope is you notice and not let anything ruin your day, which means don’t spin the experience over and over like a hamster. Get off that wheel of negativity. You could say, “STOP IT. DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT, AGAIN.”
Words don’t often stick when you have a conversation with someone who is “just not into you.” Action like moving away or putting your hand up like a stop-sign might help in the moment.
This week I have gotten calls from clients about how to handle the ongoing gatherings that are sometimes disappointing due to buttons getting pushed. Expectations need a review before you open the front door. Check in with who you are now and how some want you to be who you were last year or even last month. I love the lines, “We disagree. We can drop that now and have a fun time here.”
Find an object, back yard, pet, or something that you can look to in the moment that shifts the negative energy. Maybe there is a table decoration, flowers, a bunny, or stacked matzo, that you can really look at in detail. This is a way to not give attention to a downhill roll.
Happy Spring and Freedom,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Women in my empty nest group hadn’t spent much time dreaming about fun and new possibilities. Some are still with children at home and some empty nesters now.
We started a discussion called, THE NEXT BEST THING, meaning what we might do even if we can’t do THE BIG DREAM now.
We had so much fun doodling, and making a story about our doodle that changed our neighborhood, our family, our best friend, our home, our daily routine, and our work. “THIS DOODLE SHOWS YOU HOW YOU CAN…….. “
It was a practice in being creative and allowing a part of us to speak that rarely gets on the board. The result was laughter and a plan.
One idea that got on the calendar, was a woman offered to make over another woman’s bathroom. She is not going to paint. She is going to organize the bathroom and surprise her with “nurturing, healthy products.” They are doing an exchange. The bathroom beautifier will receive one area of her garden with plants that carry less pollen, since she has allergies.
Each will take photos to share at our next meeting. The practice for the week is to doodle in the morning and say something about your doodle. Doodle at the end of your day and again, write something about it. We will share our journal of doodles, pencils are fine…this is not an art project. This is another way of learning more about yourself and having fun.
What might be your next best thing?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
The vote from my groups, that I share with you is, MAKE A PLAN.
Some mothers shared they have a habit of waiting around to see if their children who are home from college will be free to do something with them. The wait made them feel resentful that they wasted their day.
Their children did not ask them to wait around. A woman who is not a mother said that she is joining a local community garden for a day to help out and seed some new energy in the dirt.
Some shared they are having house guests and left a list of FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE CITY, so they wouldn’t get burned out helping them for four days.
Karen booked a city tour in her own city with a roof top opening van. She wanted to make a plan for something she has never done. Her family is not around and there is no HUNT or MATZAH.
You can easily get seduced and lose a day on your computer. You can wait and see what you want to do or you can plan the night before and get out the door on the weekend doing what you don’t usually.
Elizabeth planned for two friends to come over and bring their favorite photos from their past. Each person also brought food to share. They talked about the photos and had great time together. Elizabeth sent each home with a seed packet to plant in their home to celebrate new beginnings.
People like to gather and get uplifted with new places and energy. What would be fun for you to do in the month of April?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org