Our Empty Nest Support Group shares with you our creative new ideas. Read the list and giggle.
I suggested we take 15 minutes to write about: What if you were one of the top ten in an upcoming field or expertise? What would that field be for you?
You had a support team. You were financially backed. Your health was strong. You had the time.
Here is a list of What If’s:
1. I would take photos of three women living an ordinary life. All would be 50 plus. Then I would photo three children 4 plus and notice similarities in a day and differences. The book would be a success and the documentary would be filmed.
2. I would make a neighborhood connection seeing what each household needed and then get volunteers to pull our community together.
3. I would mentor adults on how to make a play time every week that was in different locations just in their neighborhood. Then, I would have each person write a short story or do an art piece from that experience to remind them new things are possible.
4. I would start a silent walk under the moon once a month and then each month meet at another’s home to share a meal and laugh.
5. I would ask for help for three months every day and keep a journal about that experience.
6. I would sing again for a holiday performance and post it on UTUBE. Then I would make cards with whatever came from that experience THE JOY OF SINGING.
7. I would be a top interior designer who simply showed beauty by changing rooms once a month and adding one object of color.
8. I would be the expert in story telling which made solutions for relationships easier and quicker.
9. I am the make a date matter expert. Say the truth and put your needs on the table.
10. I am known as the de-stressor tool woman. I come to your home and make a space with simple daily tools to practice well-being.
Aren’t these all fun and exciting inspirations? What would you add to this list for yourself and to inspire others?
WHAT IF WE REALLY SUPPORTED EACH OTHER? LISTENED, INSPIRED, AND MADE A CHOICE TO HELP.
WHAT WOULD YOU HELP SOMEONE DO?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Did you speak up or let it be? A woman I worked with didn’t think it was ok for her to share with her kids that she wanted what she wanted, which was to make her own choices about whether to travel or stay home.
She used the words, wanted what she wanted because that was the unspoken truth. It is her choice and she forgot that thought. Yes, she heard all the reasons why she needed to go on a trip to “get out there” and yet she didn’t think it was ok for them to hear all her reasons of why not to go. Differences happen. Who gets the final vote?
A college grad told me she didn’t want to come back home. She feared the lectures and lack of trust her parents fed to her. She can feed herself, was her response. She had a plan that paid the summer bills.
Her parents had a plan for her to be home for a change. They truly believed it was the right thing for her daughter to work in their home town and be with the family.
What do you think she did? She spoke up, listened, made a choice, including the consequences and worked away from her home town for the summer. Her parents turned around and realized it was their daughter’s choice. The parents, as all do, got caught in the role they used to play and forgot they were still learning how to be a parent to an adult child.
Divorce, fueled by hurt, helps in speaking up, and yet fear is fear. A man wanted his wife to know he didn’t do a good job as husband but he said it too often and it washed down the drain. This time he came up with a new idea, he was generous with her and that was his speaking up decision. No longer apologizing but stepping up with an action.
Women have shared with me in our groups that they no longer enjoy the longtime friends they have. They wanted to find the words to say goodbye and then make new friendships.
Have you been in that situation?
Each reviewed what they were receiving and giving in the friendship. All realized they had carried each other’s history and that had a deep value. Was the giving and receiving tipped in one direction more than the other too often.
In what situation were your feelings hurt? Did you express it at the time? Do you need to say it now? Are you open to them being more of a listener for you? Can you make a short list of what truly matters in that friendship and ask if they want to contribute that to the friendship.
One woman shared that a shallow friendship, one that doesn’t dive deep, is OK if it is fun and giving. Another woman, as we often talked about, longed for deeper conversations with a friend. She didn’t have the energy or time for a dozen and wanted three that added a lift to her and wonderment about life.
When is the last time you told a friend your hurt feelings and what you would like in the friendship? Did it help you?
Even if a friendship ends, speaking up might be a healer for you, don’t you think?
Cutting all friendships from your life might not be the healthiest decision and yet that is what one woman wanted to do. She decided to sit with all those complex feelings for a week, journaling, before she made a phone call. In the end, she said goodbye to two and named the behaviors of why she no longer wanted to feed the friendship, one being that her friend was negative and needy rather than shifting and giving. She thought before she called about the anger that might fly or the begging for another chance. She decided she could handle those behaviors more than the lack of fun she was having in that friendship.
Leaving a job where you don’t feel valued is common. Talking about your feelings brings up trust and punishment, doesn’t it? Do you think it helps to express the positive as well as the challenges or just say what is frustrating you?
Three women told their story of meeting with their bosses and holding the line. They made a list of pros and cons of their job title. They listed their needs which weren’t about money alone and yes about being heard and acknowledged.
It is human to want feedback about your work, the good and the not so good, so you have choices of how to make a change. Two left the job and one worked it out, now being happy. All learned more about themselves in the decision process. They could handle the unknown.
When the pain is more than the gain, practice the thoughts and words you want to express when you aren’t attached to the ending nor stomping in a tantrum. Curiosity and compassion, as you know, are two of my longtime friends. Open to possibilities and take a step outside your comfort zone. You are already unhappy and that you know. Imagine what you don’t know, yet.
Hope those difficult conversations become a growing edge for you and a place of knowing yourself better. You don’t have to have a perfect script. Mistakes happen. Starting over is an option when you deeply feel the pain you have put on another.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
“EMPTY NEST: LIFE BEYOND PARENTING, NOW WHAT?” was an article I wrote, featured on www.MariaShriver.com .
If you missed it, here it is for you.
http://mariashriver.com/blog/2012/04/empty-nest-life-beyond-parenting-now-what
What tip would you pass on to another parent?
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
We just wept and clapped at his high school graduation. All these people we have known for years now going different ways. Will I stay connected to these parents? Will he see his high school friends again? I think about that because that is what ends today.
Bake sales, parent meetings, after school sports, dances, mall runs, forgotten books in the locker, girlfriend and no girlfriend, popular and not, smart and not, caring and selfish. Who will sit in his seat at school? At home, that seat will be empty. Not real to me.
We cooked together or at least he showed up with the smell of chicken and rice. How often will I get to visit him?
I just ask questions so tears won’t take me down deeper. Although most of my questions make me cry. It is over, the little boy. It is over, the everyday chatter and reminders and nite-nite. I will be happy for him, just not feeling that now. I am feeling blank. I am so glad he graduated and has doors open for his future.
Me, not sure about my future. Not deeply in love anymore and still a good man. Me. Who is ME? I just want to sit outside with a latte. Sit. I don’t want to decide anything after the lists it took to get to today. Summer is more lists. Parties of goodbye. Then the so called DROP OFF at his dorm. I want to just SIT.
Thanks for having this website for all of us. I am not alone, am I? I wonder who I will grow to be with more free time. I hope I won’t become a worrier, well not everyday worrier. That would be a waste of my life.
Anonymous
Empty nesters, as well as all parents, wonder, am I over parenting? Once a parent, always a parent.
Yes, your role changes as your children long for more independence and individuation and at the same time, they are uncertain about themselves. Bottom line is they do want you to be there for them and encourage them by letting them know you believe in them.
Of course, you have days where you want to slam the door and you don’t think they will get beyond their demonstrated behaviors that spin you and them. Who doesn’t make mistakes or have nasty, mean days?
Ask your children how you are doing as their parent and ask them what they need. Of course, do this on a day when you are feeling GREAT and can receive the good, the bad, and the ugly, don’t you think? Sometimes they will say, “I don’t know.” What did happen, though, is they heard you ask.
Parenting has grown me in ways I like and don’t like.
I am motivated by being a good role model. I am human by wanting to be treated like I like to be treated.
Ouch is a word I use and even leaving a room if I need to self-care. Parenting….a teacher of the moment. A button pusher…. A smile bigger than you knew you had…. A warm tear on your face…. A dream….An acceptance and hope…..A role that shifts and turns…..
A goodbye to what was and hello to an unknown and a disappointment for what you thought it would be and a reality of what the relationship truly is today. We parents love talking about our role and feeling a community no matter what age we are or our children are. We love hearing sweetness about our children.
I remember a very successful, public figure lighting up in a way I never had seen her light when she spoke about her college son. We hope to hear we are doing a great job as a parent. No matter what, we are parents on joyous and challenging days.
I have no regrets for this role I play. I hope to have a long road being a mother. Here is an in the moment list about PARENTING ADVICE:
1. Take a view
2. Step a side
3. Lean in and grab a hug
4. Listen
5. Pause before a call or text
6. Describe the behavior and let the impact land in the heart.
7. Let them lead.
8. Stay curious
9. Feel compassionate
10. Focus on yourself care
11. Have fun…fun….fun…
12. Let life teach them…
13. Surprise them….
14. Ask for what you want…..
15. Say sorry with an example of your behavior
16. Say YES more than NO….
I could keep this going and each could have a story beside the above statements. If you want a story for a teaching purpose, email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
What would you add to this list called PARENTING? I forgot what a woman shared yesterday during our telephone session, “Parenting makes me want to start over with my parents.”
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
You like predictability and a path. You got a call that stopped the familiar. After talking about the sudden change over and over, a good thing for you, you wept.
Part of your talking with your friends was a way of feeling that anyone would be upset with that news.
You wanted to feel part of “normalcy” and not a misfit. When your vulnerability gets launched without your own ignition, you go on tilt. Who wouldn’t?
When this woman and I spoke on the phone, I asked if she wanted to have a deeper conversation.
Initially of course, she shared what she felt and feared and we began right where she needed to be. Sometimes, you long for a deeper conversation about your life and you don’t know how to begin.
Part of what she bravely unfolded was that she feared being invisible if she weren’t always on and happy. She didn’t think anyone would invite her over or be her “best friend.”
Growing is a life journey and you forget that fact. You get stuck in the I AM AN ADULT NOW and should be all I am by now.
Tears fall for not being “done yet,” with growing. You want life to be peaceful and happy.
When I mentioned that to her, she was surprised to hear within herself, “that is only for monks.” “Well, may I speak with the monk inside you,” I asked. Just that thought opened her to more tears and a letting go feeling.
You simply begin something and a door opens right there. You can unfold your new road and take a turn that you didn’t think you ever would take.
So what would be outside the box experience for you? What turn would be surprise you welcome?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
A woman shared with me that she was ready for a re-invention.
She is competitive and wanted to be top in her new adventure. We met the other part of her, as you know I talk about the orchestra of selves that live within you and want to be heard. She met the one who is ok with being ordinary. We had a great time dialoguing with these opposites.
Bottom line is she began small and checked in daily with the part of her that wanted to be top in her new adventure and the one who thinks ordinary is good enough. She made a chart showing a week that reminded her to check in daily with both sides of her inner self. She needed the accountability to stay on track with new behavior.
Today she is relieved to have spent time with the ordinary self and appreciate the go getter high achiever. She got to know more about who she is and isn’t.
Then she developed new skills to include the learning.
Frustration of course set in and lack of confidence because she was pulling up a part of herself that went dormant from decades ago. When she was younger, playing for the fun of playing was enough.
When she put on her adult hat, she forgot about the playful little one within her. Playing and ordinary days became friends. Not accomplishing anything was so uncomfortable for her …big pusher energy had quieted the playful one.
A tray of sand with a bamboo stick was the practice I suggested for her in order to simply play daily at home.
What new part of you wants to come out and possibly feed an undiscovered passion?
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Celebrate all the mothering you have given to others and that you have received over the precious years of your life.
“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all.”
— J.K. Rowlin
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Parents are supposed to have the answers. I remember a child sharing that with me. He said, “Well they are adults and adults got it together.”
Being an adult and human, doesn’t seem to connect when needed. Each of you has a part that needs nurturing and wisdom.
You go blank or you go on the spin of what if. What might be below the uncertainty is, vulnerability. Not knowing what to do or to choose, feels uncomfortable.
Look over to a wise part of you and ask, “What would be helpful today for me?” “What would be helpful today for me?” Ask more than once… Pause and see or hear or feel what pops. LET IT GO.
That is what a woman shared. She wept. It seemed so common and easy on the advice level and she wanted something more solid.
She shared more and we added, “Has it worked for you to not let go?” “Have you visited these same thoughts for too long?” “Does it keep you from being more of who you want to be?”
Each of us wrote those questions for ourselves, as did she. We all wrote, LET IT GO. During the week, the practice was to write for ten minutes:
1. I let go of…… (for her, being critical of myself from that event…I did what I could and I made mistakes)
2. I add what I appreciate about myself (for her, it was, being a listener)
3. I choose to….this week (for her, it was going to the gym)
Taking some self-exploration time is the deeper work you long to experience. Sometimes you want a hand to hold. Reach and be met right there.
Take good care,
Natalie
“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I loved being a mom even in the bratty times. I loved being a partner. Now both have ended. Well, not the mom of me, but the everyday mom. They are in college. I work and feel creative there.
I just never thought I wouldn’t have a happy marriage that lasts. I am a hard worker who doesn’t quit on friendships or a marriage. I can take feedback and make changes. What I can’t do is live the style of life he lives now.
I know the changes of my role with my kids will improve as I take time for me and simply listen more to them and not guide.
I want some support right now rather than my leading so many aspects of my life. I am tired. I stay positive by telling myself what is good in my life. Still, I need to be uplifted at times. My friends are great.
I know my partner and I don’t really want the same life for the next five years, yet alone forever. I need to let go because the actions don’t match the chatter.
I am realistic of the pain and all the details change will ask of me. We have tried everything for years to make the marriage better and it just isn’t going to happen.
A cloudy day as helped my tears to fall. I don’t have it all worked out. I am in the tears of goodbye for now. That is good enough, wouldn’t you say?
Thanks for listening,
Ally
No one is happy every day all day long, so that is a relief for the part of you that likes perfection and fantasy. Acceptance is possible when you notice that the change you wanted in someone you love isn’t showing up. Here is what the people in our groups shared that boosted their happy:
1. Shift your thinking to a positive thought verses spinning what didn’t happen that you really wanted.
2. Grieve for sure, a loud or soft weeping, talk about it and nurture yourself in the disappointment. It hurts when talking can’t make a change between two people.
3. Get moving, even if it is around your home, like cleaning a drawer or two or putting the clothes you haven’t worn in a year in a to go donation bag.
4. Remind yourself what you do appreciate about your personality.
5. Play music at home.
6. Do something in the arts that ups your creativity.
7. Have a do nothing scheduled day and night.
8. Think about what would be outside your box and go for it.
9. Write thank you notes.
10. Go to an afternoon movie.
11. Write all that you have done that made people happy. Make a list and read that list….It takes five minutes and your happy will be on again.
12. Cook for your neighbor.
13. Walk your neighbor’s dog for them.
14. What can you do today to feel better?
15. Remind yourself this feeling won’t last forever. It is a feeling and not a life.
16. Sit outside at a park with coffee or tea.
17. Buy a scent like lavender or pine that you could spray to refresh.
18. Start your day doing what is fun first and then the to do list.
19. Take a half day class and see if you like it.
20. Invite someone over…one or two is a good thing.
21. Ask for help. You forget to do that and you would help someone if they asked.
22. Get out of your neighborhood to a new one for a mini get away.
23. Get something delivered to you, like dinner, fruit basket.
24. Watch a U Tube of Kids playing
25. Freshen up with a roll on scent.
26. Plan a trip and ask a friend to plan with you.
27. Send an email to friends asking them what makes them happy when not feeling so happy for days.
28. What is the deeper meaning of your life besides for the roles you play?
29. What memory from childhood makes you happy?
30. Ask the wise part of you, within, to share what would lift your spirits today.
Happiness collapses and stands tall again and again. You have a full range of choices, feelings, thoughts, and inner parts to you. You simply need a reminder, a hand to hold, which includes your own, and the decision to make your life ok without having answers, yet. Weep when you feel the tears, using the softest Kleenex you can buy.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Life transitions, whether off to college or the spinning thoughts of, now what do I do with the impact of this news, raises sleeplessness and over eating.
A single woman shared in our support group that she just can’t focus or stop thinking about her financial changes.
Another younger woman is being pulled into the refrigerator ten times a day because the part of her that procrastinates deadlines is winning.
A devoted mother, doesn’t weep much but her fingernails have never been so chewed up because her endless to do list for high school graduation nears, her work schedule never travels a straight line, and then there is college drop off in August where she hugs her only child goodbye.
Kati is a single parent, recently divorced, who jumps months ahead about being with her ex-husband during college send off for their son.
The women and men in the groups have shared their lack of being able to let go at the end of a full day and their worries about relationships where tension is distancing fun times.
Tips For De-Stressing
1. Play music at home. Classical in the car.
2. Call someone to lift your spirits and receive a reality check.
3. Review and assess your situation, then remind yourself you are done thinking about that now. “Stop it,” might be helpful to say to yourself.
4. Get outside . Plant seeds. Walk around the block.
5. THIS WON’T LAST FOREVER, can be hopeful words to shift your energy.
Stress can be helpful to put you into new behavior and action. It won’t be gone forever. Life happens. You can have ways to support yourself through the challenging times. Tim reads poetry before bed even when he told me he could never get into that habit, he did.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org