I loved being a mom even in the bratty times. I loved being a partner. Now both have ended. Well, not the mom of me, but the everyday mom. They are in college. I work and feel creative there.
I just never thought I wouldn’t have a happy marriage that lasts. I am a hard worker who doesn’t quit on friendships or a marriage. I can take feedback and make changes. What I can’t do is live the style of life he lives now.
I know the changes of my role with my kids will improve as I take time for me and simply listen more to them and not guide.
I want some support right now rather than my leading so many aspects of my life. I am tired. I stay positive by telling myself what is good in my life. Still, I need to be uplifted at times. My friends are great.
I know my partner and I don’t really want the same life for the next five years, yet alone forever. I need to let go because the actions don’t match the chatter.
I am realistic of the pain and all the details change will ask of me. We have tried everything for years to make the marriage better and it just isn’t going to happen.
A cloudy day as helped my tears to fall. I don’t have it all worked out. I am in the tears of goodbye for now. That is good enough, wouldn’t you say?
Thanks for listening,
Ally
No one is happy every day all day long, so that is a relief for the part of you that likes perfection and fantasy. Acceptance is possible when you notice that the change you wanted in someone you love isn’t showing up. Here is what the people in our groups shared that boosted their happy:
1. Shift your thinking to a positive thought verses spinning what didn’t happen that you really wanted.
2. Grieve for sure, a loud or soft weeping, talk about it and nurture yourself in the disappointment. It hurts when talking can’t make a change between two people.
3. Get moving, even if it is around your home, like cleaning a drawer or two or putting the clothes you haven’t worn in a year in a to go donation bag.
4. Remind yourself what you do appreciate about your personality.
5. Play music at home.
6. Do something in the arts that ups your creativity.
7. Have a do nothing scheduled day and night.
8. Think about what would be outside your box and go for it.
9. Write thank you notes.
10. Go to an afternoon movie.
11. Write all that you have done that made people happy. Make a list and read that list….It takes five minutes and your happy will be on again.
12. Cook for your neighbor.
13. Walk your neighbor’s dog for them.
14. What can you do today to feel better?
15. Remind yourself this feeling won’t last forever. It is a feeling and not a life.
16. Sit outside at a park with coffee or tea.
17. Buy a scent like lavender or pine that you could spray to refresh.
18. Start your day doing what is fun first and then the to do list.
19. Take a half day class and see if you like it.
20. Invite someone over…one or two is a good thing.
21. Ask for help. You forget to do that and you would help someone if they asked.
22. Get out of your neighborhood to a new one for a mini get away.
23. Get something delivered to you, like dinner, fruit basket.
24. Watch a U Tube of Kids playing
25. Freshen up with a roll on scent.
26. Plan a trip and ask a friend to plan with you.
27. Send an email to friends asking them what makes them happy when not feeling so happy for days.
28. What is the deeper meaning of your life besides for the roles you play?
29. What memory from childhood makes you happy?
30. Ask the wise part of you, within, to share what would lift your spirits today.
Happiness collapses and stands tall again and again. You have a full range of choices, feelings, thoughts, and inner parts to you. You simply need a reminder, a hand to hold, which includes your own, and the decision to make your life ok without having answers, yet. Weep when you feel the tears, using the softest Kleenex you can buy.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Life transitions, whether off to college or the spinning thoughts of, now what do I do with the impact of this news, raises sleeplessness and over eating.
A single woman shared in our support group that she just can’t focus or stop thinking about her financial changes.
Another younger woman is being pulled into the refrigerator ten times a day because the part of her that procrastinates deadlines is winning.
A devoted mother, doesn’t weep much but her fingernails have never been so chewed up because her endless to do list for high school graduation nears, her work schedule never travels a straight line, and then there is college drop off in August where she hugs her only child goodbye.
Kati is a single parent, recently divorced, who jumps months ahead about being with her ex-husband during college send off for their son.
The women and men in the groups have shared their lack of being able to let go at the end of a full day and their worries about relationships where tension is distancing fun times.
Tips For De-Stressing
1. Play music at home. Classical in the car.
2. Call someone to lift your spirits and receive a reality check.
3. Review and assess your situation, then remind yourself you are done thinking about that now. “Stop it,” might be helpful to say to yourself.
4. Get outside . Plant seeds. Walk around the block.
5. THIS WON’T LAST FOREVER, can be hopeful words to shift your energy.
Stress can be helpful to put you into new behavior and action. It won’t be gone forever. Life happens. You can have ways to support yourself through the challenging times. Tim reads poetry before bed even when he told me he could never get into that habit, he did.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
A teacher shared with me years ago, “Confusion is great.” I frowned because that made no sense. Now it does. Confusion takes you out of routine and what you believe to be true. It is a choice to bring up courage and trust. You have heard me say it before, TRUST IS EARNED. You lose trust in yourself and others.
Trust is not a given. You have more to lose than gain in the process of trusting because you can get hurt. Hurt is not the end. When you trust someone with private information and they tell your story to someone, you collapse from hurt. You have seen where you rise again, after weeping, expressing, and grieving what you thought to be true.
Confusion swirls you. I remember a woman shared with me that she told her sister never to tell anyone what she shared about something that happened to her in college. Her sister told a mutual friend. When someone breaks your trust, they need to earn it back. You get to decide how that earning happens and how to take care of yourself in the confusion and hurt.
You leave a job, a lover, a partner, a home, or a community. Between the goodbye and the new hug, your inner doubter voice will emerge. You have an orchestra of inner voices that want air time. The pusher, the critic, the fool, the child, etc.
The doubter is simply a voice among your crowd within. Rather than pushing that voice to dormancy, simply listen to what the doubter has to say and respond with, “THAT’S INTERESTING. THANK YOU. I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE.”
You can invite the wise voice to speak with you, “OF COURSE YOU DOUBT SINCE YOU ARE IN THE UNKNOWN. KEEP GOING. MAKE NO DECISIONS ABOUT WHAT’S NEXT, YET. ENJOY THE UNKNOWN AND THE YES’S and NO’S YOU FEEL.”
Not knowing is a good thing, as is confusion. BE WITH IT, RATHER THAN PRETENDING YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Ask for help and let your vulnerability be present. You would be there for someone who was in the unknown. Remind yourself of times you have left what you knew. What did you learn from that experience?
It sounds simple to say be available to yourself in the moment and yet, it isn’t. It takes practice. You lose present moment and come back… The key is to notice and come back. No one stays present to a moment all the time. False expectation.
When you are leaving and heading to the next, it is ok to be happy. Happy is a choice.
You get to be happy even if your life isn’t how you thought it would be. Maybe your practice could be to accept you don’t have answers yet and you are still happy with you.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Holidays like Passover and Easter bring memories and gatherings. You know who at the table might punch your button because they don’t believe in you for whatever reason. Don’t you count yourself out for happiness and success. Leave the room for a pause, use humor, like “thanks for sharing,” use a more direct line, “you think you know me and I think you don’t…if you get curious about me, just let me know.
Change is a journey. It is fun to learn more about who you are and aren’t if you see the journey as a learning and a time of practicing compassion.
Some days you will be kind to yourself or critical. The hope is you notice and not let anything ruin your day, which means don’t spin the experience over and over like a hamster. Get off that wheel of negativity. You could say, “STOP IT. DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT, AGAIN.”
Words don’t often stick when you have a conversation with someone who is “just not into you.” Action like moving away or putting your hand up like a stop-sign might help in the moment.
This week I have gotten calls from clients about how to handle the ongoing gatherings that are sometimes disappointing due to buttons getting pushed. Expectations need a review before you open the front door. Check in with who you are now and how some want you to be who you were last year or even last month. I love the lines, “We disagree. We can drop that now and have a fun time here.”
Find an object, back yard, pet, or something that you can look to in the moment that shifts the negative energy. Maybe there is a table decoration, flowers, a bunny, or stacked matzo, that you can really look at in detail. This is a way to not give attention to a downhill roll.
Happy Spring and Freedom,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Women in my empty nest group hadn’t spent much time dreaming about fun and new possibilities. Some are still with children at home and some empty nesters now.
We started a discussion called, THE NEXT BEST THING, meaning what we might do even if we can’t do THE BIG DREAM now.
We had so much fun doodling, and making a story about our doodle that changed our neighborhood, our family, our best friend, our home, our daily routine, and our work. “THIS DOODLE SHOWS YOU HOW YOU CAN…….. “
It was a practice in being creative and allowing a part of us to speak that rarely gets on the board. The result was laughter and a plan.
One idea that got on the calendar, was a woman offered to make over another woman’s bathroom. She is not going to paint. She is going to organize the bathroom and surprise her with “nurturing, healthy products.” They are doing an exchange. The bathroom beautifier will receive one area of her garden with plants that carry less pollen, since she has allergies.
Each will take photos to share at our next meeting. The practice for the week is to doodle in the morning and say something about your doodle. Doodle at the end of your day and again, write something about it. We will share our journal of doodles, pencils are fine…this is not an art project. This is another way of learning more about yourself and having fun.
What might be your next best thing?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
The vote from my groups, that I share with you is, MAKE A PLAN.
Some mothers shared they have a habit of waiting around to see if their children who are home from college will be free to do something with them. The wait made them feel resentful that they wasted their day.
Their children did not ask them to wait around. A woman who is not a mother said that she is joining a local community garden for a day to help out and seed some new energy in the dirt.
Some shared they are having house guests and left a list of FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE CITY, so they wouldn’t get burned out helping them for four days.
Karen booked a city tour in her own city with a roof top opening van. She wanted to make a plan for something she has never done. Her family is not around and there is no HUNT or MATZAH.
You can easily get seduced and lose a day on your computer. You can wait and see what you want to do or you can plan the night before and get out the door on the weekend doing what you don’t usually.
Elizabeth planned for two friends to come over and bring their favorite photos from their past. Each person also brought food to share. They talked about the photos and had great time together. Elizabeth sent each home with a seed packet to plant in their home to celebrate new beginnings.
People like to gather and get uplifted with new places and energy. What would be fun for you to do in the month of April?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
My son got into the college of his choice and we have been celebrating. Now I feel a huge relief. It sounds silly, but I had this thought of accepting that I am no longer the mom he needs daily. I have good and bad days about that.
I feel like I always have to be strong for my family. I of course cry about not seeing him daily come July. At the same time, I have a tiny smile about more free time for me. I am tired.
I can’t really say much about accepting myself for who I am because I have been so busy for years that I just need to know who I am. Part of the not accepting that needs no thought is, I am getting older faster than I like.
Being a mom with kids in school makes me feel youthful. Without the kids at home, I am not sure how active I will be. I don’t mean I will be sitting at home but more that I won’t have the active energy to feed off of when the house was so full of kids and their friends.
I don’t want to just run around so the day ends faster. I want to run into me.
Does anyone else feel like this? Thank you.
Jamie
Cherry blossoms open Spring. A client shared with me that Spring insures new possibilities, but what for her? She was sad because romance is invisible.
As often as you hear it, solution of loss means tears, grieving for what is no longer with someone you loved. It is never predictable how long tears fall.
She felt betrayed by giving so much of herself to this partnership. She came to realize she gave because she loved. She believed in the commitment and the good feelings she use to have.
The shift she wants to practice is not being critical of herself for what she did or did not do in putting her voice in the room and her shoes out the door. She wants to begin a journal of what she does love about her life. She doesn’t like to write and at the same time, wants to heal. Her journal may be three or four words before bed, along with the softest box of aloe Kleenex she can find.
Her second practice is to walk her neighborhood and get coffee at the local cafe in order to be around vibrant life.
Third, she wants to find a class to learn how to make cards into a business. She is an artist.
Change of habit usually takes thirty days. You will be motivated and you will collapse. Both behaviors are normal when going through changes. What matters is to be kind to yourself no matter what, and BEGIN AGAIN. Get support.
Another client has been working on planning more fun for herself. She is now blooming with two new things that make her happy, reading to children at a local library and training to be a docent.
What do you want to bloom before the end of 2012? Who can help you? What small step can you make this week?
May the beauty of SPRING, move you forward to what matters to you today,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
One of the top reasons people don’t move on a dream I hear from clients and during workshops is, “I can’t really do this alone. I get started and do well for about two weeks and then, if things aren’t going well, I collapse.”
1. Love
2. Re-invention
3. Healthy choices
4. Spiritual practices
5. Forgiving
6. New friends
7. Creativity
8. De-clutter
9. Moving
10. Talking less and listening more
11. Valuing yourself
12. Getting a reality check on finances
13. Entertainment time
14. Working more effectively
15. Reading
The list above, of wants people have, is a lifelong add-on.
Dreams can get dropped because we stop too soon and we don’t have trusting support.
PEOPLE DONT ALLOW THEMSELVES TO RECEIVE SUPPORT. SUPPORT VALIDATES AND INSPIRES. ASK FOR HELP. Focus for a week on asking for help. Who could you call? Who wants you to be happy? Who is focused and open?
What support can you discover professionally from others? Who have you supported?
Write down daily, who you can ask for help. JUST DO IT. You would answer a need for someone else if they called. Fear of being wrong or embarrassed underlies a concern that the person you are sharing with won’t hold the information in CONFIDENCE. Let them know you want to keep this private between the two of you.
When you know what stops you from moving forward, you can course correct.
Melanie told me she just doesn’t have the time. When your want is happiness verses dullness, maybe you can find the time.
Annie shared with me that she feels unattractive these days. The help she decided to receive was going by herself to a top department store for a free make up session.
Leslie made a list of five people she would run her idea by for re-invention, asking for connections and feedback with her presentation.
Mike didn’t want dating sites online. He chose to go early for coffee, out of the house and start up a conversation.
Miranda wanted to lose weight and move forward with her health. She made a list of two healthy recipes and cooked ahead with those ingredients.
Kelly wanted to begin a real spiritual journey. She walked in nature. She practiced ten minutes of eyes closed, seated, and breathing.
Todd decided to make a daily check sheet of his happiness. His hope was to discover what brings it down and what lifts it.
These brave people allowed me to share their first names with you in the hopes of making it real that all of us have dreams and need help.
As you have read in my blogs before, my two lifetime friends are COMPASSION AND CURIOSITY. Change needs a friend. You have an orchestra of voices inside you. You can decide who needs volume up and volume down. It is fun to practice something new. Call someone.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Some days are boring. You decide to get in your car. Not sure what you will do, you go to the familiar.
I asked my groups where do they go to have a better day and what do they do:
1. Shopping for bargains
2 Look at new cars on the market
3. Garden shops
4. The beach for a walk
5. Dog adoption
6. Bookstore
7. Hit golf balls
8. Buy a new shade of lipstick
9 .Farmer’s market
10 New cafe
11 Used book store
12 Gallery
13 Shoe store
14 Yogurt stop
15. Buy a new game board
16 Museum
17 Buy new music
18 Computer store
19 Feed the ducks
20 Read the newspaper at a café
21 Watercolor outside, usually flowers
22 Charcoal art
23 Collages to make with magazine pages
24 Photo animals in the park or shelter
25 Add to my website
I am sure you could list what lifts your spirits. What you hope to leave in the house, as you venture out, is your inner critic that says, “YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR DAYS. YOU OVER SPEND TO BE HAPPY.”
What is your inner critic saying to you and how can you shift. “This is the best I can do for today.”
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
What comes to your mind with the word unsatisfied? Work, relationships, sex, home, fun, sleep, spirituality, etc.? Good news about letting yourself feel unsatisfied is CHANGE.
When the pain is more than the gain, do you make a shift? Do you put your voice in the room? A woman shared with me that she speaks up about her thoughts and feelings. What is unsatisfying for her is no change arrives from the other person she is speaking with, time after time. At times, this behavior has diminished her voice, “Why bother? Nothing changes,” Her confidence in making change lowers. She is hurt
Under the frustration of no change is the vulnerability of feeling hurt because she doesn’t experience having any impact. Have you felt that way, too? She values herself and doesn’t feel valued by him.
Paradox lives again. On the one hand, saying what you need and not seeing change, is a practice of acceptance. “This is how she is and there hasn’t been any change in the months I have expressed myself.”
On the other hand, is self-care. No, you can’t make anyone hear you, implement change, and communicate with you. Self-care also needs to stand in the room. You want to express your feelings and needs so it doesn’t build to a fire or a brick thrown across the room.
For one woman, she discovered she needed to walk out of the room when the same behavior showed up day after day , despite her expressing herself with different words and briefly.
The story doesn’t really matter. What matters is how do you self-care when you are unsatisfied? What are you learning about you and the other person in the room? What new tools are possible to self-care?
Where is the behavior that is unsatisfying at times, also, showing up in you, as a mirror? We forget we can dig deeper and make new choices. We forget the issue is a part of us and not the all of us. We forget to ask for help.
Unsatisfied can bring explorations that lead to change. We need to keep the conversations open and out loud so we don’t bury growth. We need to be met right where we are and step away when no hand is available in that room. AND is a calming word, isn’t it?
How are you self-caring? When do you put your voice in the room and when do you not?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
