I am a mom. I am not an empty nester, yet. My son is going to college. I can’t think about the returning, although it helps in the back of my mind. Today I know my son, my first baby, my only child, is living the dream of heading to college. I am proud of him. He worked hard. Slipped a bit on making the grade and then hit the study zone because he is a a child learning. He will be far away starting in August. Where will I be? I think the tears of goodbye are probably worse than how I will really feel. It has been this buildup of to do lists and applications and tests and grades and extra points and and… Yes, his responsibility but it spilled on me because I love him. I just feel at times that all is too fast for me now.
I am a good mother and he a good son, most of the time. We have had loud conflicts and those times I was ready to shut the door and say see ya. Will I say see ya in August? I doubt it. I will weep in pride and weep the gone days of morning and night at home together. He will come back. We will adjust to hello and goodbye. I will be older. He won’t even be thinking about his age. This change is showing me I don’t have forever, so I need to get on the horse and ride my dreams, now. What are my dreams? Mothering has taken my sleep, money, time, but mostly has given me the smiles of watching a life grow big and bigger and bigger. His life. What will mine be in August? I can’t honestly feel into not having that mom routine. Not real, yet. Real when I weep that he won’t be here. I might even like not watching the clock wondering if he is home, yet. I won’t miss the days I drove him everywhere, but it seems those were some of our best connections. I won’t miss the late nights. I won’t miss, “where are my socks for the game?” Will I?
There has been parent competition, unspoken, of who gets into what college. How good and special are you really? Is my son better than yours? Is my daughter more in demand with scholarships than yours? Of course, no one says it, but you feel it at parent meetings or running into each other in the market. I actually thought of lying about his accolades, but that makes me small or does it make me wise? I won’t miss the he said, she said, they have, we have. I will miss his friends. I wonder if I will stay in touch with the friends I have now or does that end? No more book club? I don’t know.
I have so many stories about being a mom. I have none about emptiness ter. What a strange word for this change of life, empty nester. I don’t like that word because of the trivial image of a nest and bird flying away. Parents are more than nests. Our children aren’t birds.
Who will I be? I just hope I have someone to talk to and someone to say,” you aren’t losing it, I feel that too.”
Katie
Valentine’s Day is a day people have strong feelings of like or dislike. Pressure, phony, commercial, loss, hiding, and celebrations of kisses.
A woman called my office and shared,” I have no lover today. I do have his love letters. We were never live in partners. We were in love. I treasure those sweet words and the sound of his voice in my head when I read them to myself.”
What room, letter, note, meal, glance, flower, candle, hike, vacation, car ride, etc., would you preserve to cherish love? If you are in love today, yesterday, or hope for tomorrow, what puts that smile on your precious face? What action do you do for love and what actions feed love to you? When someone makes me laugh, there sits love.
A mother shared with me that this Valentine’s Day is her last child at home’s Valentine’s Day and it just pulled her into endings. Yes, always a mom. Yes, still able to say, Happy Valentine’s Day, even when her daughter is at college in August, but not able to decorate with doilies, cut out hearts with kisses, cook a special meal, and slip a little jewel box on her daughter’s bed when she wakes for school. Each of us has traditions and joys that feed love. What are yours?
Susan asked me how she can get through Valentine’s Day when she is alone? She just wants it to be over. She doesn’t want anyone to know she has no plans. Embarrassed. She knows she is a good person and attractive. She knows this heart day is somewhat commercial, but she wants to be part of love. She wants love. Her fear is she won’t find a match and will have every Valentine’s Day alone. I am sure she is not the only person with those thoughts and feelings on February 14th. What would you share with her about love and Valentine’s Day?
Susan called back today and said, ” I planned an at home meal for myself for that day. I will watch movies with butter popcorn, light a bright ,big red candle, and write myself a note about what I love about love and what I love about ME. I know the night will end. Thank goodness. The 15th will be a fresh day and I am hopeful love and I will partner.”
Relationships feed you. Bob told me he has better relationship with his research than with people. But he feels the love spark when he discovers something new. Lisa loves her garden daily and feels loved by its surprises and beauty. I would guess that there are five memories, at least, that you have about feeling love. Even in loss, even in what is no more, a memory of love, can smile you. Memories matter. Present love can remind you of how grateful you are to love someone and be loved by them.
Reese told me she just loves planning ahead to surprise him. She almost feels it is a challenge to herself of how to express love and have fun. She likes a challenge. Reese also shared that her sweetie is a fabulous gift giver, but not so great with dressing well, sexy, and she wishes he would.
Solo or together, you know love and admit it…you love love..love of your pet, child, friend, movie, sport, partner, parents, food, music, travel, spirituality, education, giving, etc.
Marilyn shared she often visits a time in her life when she had the ups and downs of being with a partner. It feels so real for her today. She learned so much about herself that feed her to be a better woman. She had fun. She gave. She spends joyous times in nature on the weekends, by the water. Tears fall that he isn’t in her life now. Smiles visit her, feeling his hand in hers and his eyes that turn to her soul. “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” Poets words. Even at her age, as she says, she loves to love and thinks love will be in her hand and eyes, again.
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
If you were to drum out a song for those you love, what words would you hope to convey?
If you were to make a heart card, what would you draw in and outside the
heart?
If you danced love, how brave would you have to be?
No matter what way you choose to express, hope you have fun.
Don’t forget to send those love notes to yourself…”What I love about myself is that I…What people say they love about me is…
Celebrate the memories, the today, and the tomorrow hopes of love.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
My situation is a little different in being an empty nester. My kids will never go to college because they learn differently and college isn’t a match. Sometimes, I wish that were different, especially when I hear the news, see parents out and about with their kids, or go back and remember the first dreams of my being a mother, the things we would do and they might become. Different would help when I feel hurt by them or exhausted or alone.
I have been taught about reality and finding ways to take care of me and them. I love them more than I imagined. They taught me that, too. We are like a city in a city with lights on and off and new people meandering around wondering what’s around the corner.
I am strong. I am sad. I am their mother. They won’t be leaving home, nor will I. Still, my role as mommy changes, because they grow a year older, as do their hormones. I left the little ones who hold my hands, just like you. I look up to the taller ones and up and up.
Paula
What do you know about love? That is the question I posed to my ongoing fabulous support group. They gave themselves about fifteen minutes to write. You can imagine the joy and tears that filled the living room. Colored pastels were also on the table if they felt like doodling or drawing rather than words or wanted to do both.
Humans get hurt. Humans tell their stories over and over to heal. Humans feel the happy force of love and its ignition of new possibilities.
These are some words from their writing about what they know about love:
Children do it for me
Not a promise
Still believe
Didn’t learn enough about it to receive it
Makes me cry
Not hallmark on valentine’s day
My dog
Gardening
Learning something is love
Giving is love
Asking for help is love
Playing outside is love
Vacations from self-pity
Tears mean you love
I eat less when i am in love
I pass on my smile when I am love
Love is for everyone
Baking
Reading is love
Work is love
Beauty
Everyone everywhere in the world feels it and wants it
Silly
Parents weren’t really in love
Husband is my teacher of love
Up to me to love
Comes from within
Motivator
Mysterious
Solo can be love
Hiking is love
Sitting with a friend
Praying is love
Being present to love
What would you say about love?
What loving action will you give to yourself and then others? One woman in the group said, “I will be ok with sitting on the sofa and doing nothing, rather than feeling guilty.” Another said, ” I will go somewhere in my city this month that I have never gone to before and get over my fear of going alone.” “I will call a friend and tell them I need some help today.” “I will write a letter with no words, just doodles to my daughter.” “I will smile when I am at work, even though I wish I had a different job.” “I will clean out my closet.”
No matter what, LOVE RETURNS. Love is fed by what meaning, what deeply matters to you in your life. Nurture love. Nurture Joy.
“I will remind myself that my life is really good and I am a good person.” “I will self-care and stop thinking about the other person.” “I will dress sexy for me.” “I will make that sacred personal place in my home.” “I will back off from nagging my kids.” “I will laugh more by going outside to play.”
Wishing you many possibilities of love,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
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Parents packed up their college kids, again, and said goodbye, after a great winter break together. Our support group shared that even though they have done this before, tears still fell. Some said they held back tears, while others just didn’t want to stop the sudden drop. All were grateful to be sitting together, sharing their stories and hope for, what’s next.
Reflection of what worked, what was unrealistic, and what was a challenge, is an ongoing journey. Now they hope to get into nature for easy hikes and ponder their new role as parents and as women.
Letting go over and over is easier when you have women on a similar path to understand the unknowns and the hopes.
One mom, again, hopes to stay away from her son’s Facebook because it either punches her buttons what he is doing, along with the photos she sees, or she slips and says something about what he is doing because she read it on Facebook. The computer is so seductive, isn’t it?
Another mom is taking a sculpture class, while two others are wondering what new career would be a fit for them. Care-taking her mom is another’s challenge. Relationship and moving, faces a mom because of her being separated. Over- scheduled or under scheduled sits in the room of exploration. Then, of course, as women, there is the ongoing chat and laughter about losing those five pounds and being more active.
Bottom line, it is so much fun to be together no matter what we are exploring or laughing about, as we walk this ever changing role as parents and women.
How was your winter vacation with your family?
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I said I would use lotion during the dry winter and I didn’t. I did say out loud what really matters to me this year of 2012. I did write a list of my strengths and challenges. I wrote who I am grateful for and who I am no longer interested in, which sounds so cold when I write it, but it is true for now.
I am beginning, while reflecting. I feel a little on tilt. I am excited about 2012, partially because I love newness.
Here is a thought for you:
What do you want to say to yourself?
– I am…….
– I feel….
– I think…
– I no longer want……
– I do want……
– I am grateful…..
What do you want to say to someone? I was thinking about you and…..
Finding meaning, new meaning, and keeping meaning that matters to you, will feed your happiness. What is a meaningful life to you? You get to take your time. You get to change your mind. Your anchor is compassion and curiosity.
When you are living an unknown, pause, go inside and have a little chat with yourself about what you feel, know, and need each day.
I wish you laughter and wellness, topped with the grace of simply loving the life you have and keeping hope lit for dreams and desires.
Ask for help. You would help someone if they asked.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
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– Workshops
– Mentoring
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I stopped asking my friend questions. I know that sounds weird. A friend, longtime friend, said that I ask too many questions. I just couldn’t get over that criticism.
I wanted her to know I care and thought questions are a way to care and to get to know someone better. It made the conversations more interesting rather than chit chat all the time. I didn’t ask uncomfortable questions, like how is your sex life, which I wish were comfortable for her.
Women talk. We share. I realized I had more interesting conversations with strangers while waiting in line. I thought back and couldn’t remember her asking me questions. She just talked. Hard to explain, but I get it. I am different now. I said goodbye to her and our years of friendship. Boy was that hard to do.
I just started feeling like I had to walk on egg shells with subjects that were off topic and I didn’t like the lack of her asking me questions.
Friendships change but I mostly thought that happened through moving or job changes or even divorce.
I am so glad I came back to me. Now, it won’t be hard if I do have to do it again.
My time is busy so I want to choose at this stage of life, people who are fun or at least. I am relaxed around them.
Have your friendships changed? Have you changed?
Thanks for listening.
Kari
If you don’t call on the holidays, you don’t get the love.
A mom shared with me that she makes too many excuses for her kids not calling during the holidays.
They are busy. They are kids who of course forget.
Do you make excuses for your kids during the holidays? One year she called them so she wouldn’t be resentful. Now she wants to let that go. Her decision was, if they don’t call, I will not extend this year.
Does the age of the kids matter? Her children are in their late twenties and won’t be home for the holidays.
Are you curious to see what really happens with mother not chatting with her kids?
What would you do or what have you done?
Happy celebrations,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
When do mothers stop directing, by the judging eye or words, about what their children are wearing?
“Put on some lipstick, you look pale. Your shoes are filthy. Don’t you have an iron? You can’t wear jeans to Aunt Kelly’s.”
What words have you heard about how you dress during holiday gatherings?
Is it a dress up time or not in your family?
You know, and if you still want some advice, ASK the host, which could be your mom or dad; do you care what I wear this year? Why have your holiday stressed by how you look.
Ask. You can send a text or email first.
Have fun,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Last thing you think of doing when in a transition and feeling out of control is to meditate. Yet, a voice nags at you saying, “It could help.”
I am asked during workshops and private sessions, “How do I meditate when I am so restless?” My answer may surprise you.
…Close your eyes and simply get quiet.
I put myself in a place where I AM HERE NOW WITH MYSELF. I am breathing. I am sinking down within myself. Some quiet times are soft, relaxing, and others, restless.
Believe it or not, it is easier for me to say yes to meditating, when I am, “Praying” for someone else. Maybe it is easier because my intention for that quiet time has a concrete purpose, helping someone else.
I have been practicing since 1979, first in classes, which means a lot of years of different ways to connect within. Sometimes I don’t sense, see or feel anything. Nothing happens. Bottom line for me is it takes practice. I think five minutes to be still is a priority in a day. I got better at not being so attached to what should, could, or needs to happen in my quiet times.
Changes happen when I get quiet. Sometimes I ask a question: “What do you want me to know today? What is happiness? What do I need to open to today? What have I ignored? So, those are examples of word entries to go within.
Other days, I use no words, I breathe in and out seven times and slowly, sometimes only four times. There are days, I simply sit and close my eyes and say NOW. As you can tell, it depends on my mood and intention for stillness. I am practicing ,no matter how many years or times I have gotten quiet, I know it is a practice and not a, “sure thing,” for anything, except that I am with me.
I ALWAYS FEEL BETTER, no matter what I am saying or doing, when I take time to close my eyes and drop within. ALWAYS. In the beginning of my practices, I went down stairs as an image of going within. I saw stairs in my imagination and if I didn’t see them, I faked it. I counted down. I stepped down.
Other practices I used was to open my eyes, light a candle and look at the flame, breathing consciously with no words, BEING PRESENT with what was right in front of me. Today, it is much easier to be present with a person or activity in the moment because I have practiced. It starts with being present with me, not ahead of myself and not in my past. I truly believe it is about practicing and not for hours. Hours are not me…. I am a doer and it did not come easily for me to be.
Years ago, I practiced by simply sitting in a chair and doing nothing, not reading, not talking, not watching television, NOTHING. Squirmy time in the beginning and even today, I can be squirmy to DO. I guess practice means for MY WHOLE LIFE. I am OK with that idea. The benefits of practicing and being with me is a motivator.
HOW DO I KNOW IF MEDITATION IS WORKING FOR ME?
– Am I more present to what is?
– Am I able to shift in the moment when fear or anxiety clogs my mind and races my heart?
– Am I happy?
– Am I irritable?
– Am I telling myself things that really aren’t true?
By the way, one of the things I learned about myself is that irritability is a signal to me that I NEED HELP. I discovered that clue while meditating. So did that short story motivate you to meditate?
I now can ask for help and let others know, “I am so crabby because I need…….” It is a win-win to have learned that behavior about me. Help might also be that I need to pause, stop, shift out of what I am doing and doing, because I have been doing too much.
What is meditation to you? What practices have you tried or might try? I love walking meditations, where I am with me walking and seeing what is right in front of me. I feel my feet on the ground as I walk. I don’t listen to music every time I walk. I empty my head chatter and simply move down the road. When thoughts of what I should be doing or have to do, visit me, I say, NOT NOW or STOP IT.
You will discover what works for you.
I also love to do quick visualizations. I see myself doing something fun, like dancing and singing while I dance. When I need an image for relaxation, I see myself in a place of nature that I love being in and it always includes a river or waterfall and lush forest. I am more of a forest woman than the ocean these days. What about you?
Let yourself begin something. You get to change your mind. You get to have days where you don’t practice or you don’t feel any good feelings from the practice. Life doesn’t travel in a straight line.
I keep visuals of words, like happy, hope, world peace, trust, connect, on a post- it or a photo that reminds me of my bigger picture. I love photos and I use them daily to remind me and lift me. They are propped up, not always framed, since I like change. I don’t need words when I see my photos of people, places and things that show me a greater connection with something outside of me. It is simple for me…photos from the farmer’s market, buildings, people I adore, abstract colors that look like a watercolor painting, animals, garden, places I enjoy, sculptures, flowers, etc.
This is one reason change is challenging. You might have been told that if you do this, that will happen. Someone forgot to tell you, NOT ALWAYS. EXPECTATIONS hold value and falsehoods. As we live more in our full adult, we discover we need to live with paradoxes…this is true and that is also true. There are no guarantees to what you do, or practice. I do think there is a benefit because you are getting to know you better. Did you know your no’s lead you to your yeses?
When you know you, the good, the bad, and the ugly, so to speak, you build compassion and then can have that caring and forgiveness for someone else.
BEGIN something that connects you with parts of who you are and aren’t. Connection could bring a happier life because it includes acceptance and compassion for what is today.
Meditation builds self-trust. You have you, no matter what.
So here is a toast to all of us practicing!
Take good care and keep in touch by posting, calling or emailing.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
A mother shared with me during a telephone session, “I know my daughter loves me, but I don’t think she likes me. She doesn’t want to spend much time with me when she comes back home.”
After chatting and sorting, she realized her perception and expectations of mother daughter were cloudy. Holidays for sure bring up needs and memories. Take time to pause. Get nurtured by nature or massage or a nap. Remind yourself that you are loved. Children’s ways of expressing and showing love might be different than yours. Age gap. It is confusing when you get along so well with your daughter and then don’t hear from them as often as you would like.
They lead, not you. Harsh, I know. I say it so you can let go and have a more realistic relationship. They are building a life for themselves, independent of you. You know that, so this is just a reminder. You miss your children and who wouldn’t?
Your role continues to shift as parent. Just when you think you are settled into that role, a new experience gets lived and you wonder, again, now what? Change keeps you in touch with yourself and is actually a good thing, even though uncomfortable.
Take time to pause and enjoy a view.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org