Kara, asked me, as do other women, “I have habits that seem to run me. I am too predictable and at times, bored.” As you know, life is complex and we long for ease, like routine. Maybe a question is, “Are you happy?”
We seem to forget that happiness is a real need and not one to feel guilty about wanting. It does not mean you are self-centered. It might mean you are getting to know yourself better. When you self-care by knowing more about you, then you can give to others without the automatic jump into action, based on, I HAVE TO DO IT.
Notice in your day, what lifts your energy and what depletes it.
Get outside, daily, beyond just a walk to and from your parked car.
Start your day differently and see how you feel.
Be a detective of your own happiness. Jot down, at the end of a day, what you discovered.
Nurture yourself. I know you hear that all the time. Nurture could mean you don’t answer the phone just because it rang.
Ask for help to make small shifts. I remember a friend and I would send each other an inspiring quotation through email or a “CHEER LEADER” email, saying, “GO FOR IT NOW.”
We all need reminders to have fun and shift our daily and evening habits, don’t you think? What might you shift in a week that would feed your happiness?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Do you want the ending of the story or the beginning? Patience will give you the surprise ending that was greatly needed during loss.
My cat, Sophie, who we adopted fourteen years ago, was still chatty and cuddly, until the Monday morning she suddenly died. I wept and wept. Home alone, I don’t know where the movement in me came from, to swaddle her in a blanket, as I prepared to say goodbye. I know I was in shock, even though, I also knew she grew thinner and older weekly. Maybe, she was 91.
I had been out of town teaching for a week. I am so grateful she and I had the weekend together and she didn’t die while I was gone presenting. She waited for me.
I adore Sophie.
I miss her.
Monday morning, I wept goodbye to her, telling her all I love about her and thanking her for being part of me and my family. I for sure wanted more time with Sophie. Here is a list of what she loved to do:
Climb through the back screen door to get outside and lean over the pool to sip water.
Chase the sun to warm herself.
Jump from the table to the kitchen counter to be right where I was chopping or doing dishes.
Getting under my feet, so I would notice her
Jump from the printer to my desk and sit on my computer keyboard, blocking my work.
Knock things off my table as she dashed around playing the chase game with something I never could see
Leap on the bed, up to my chest and into my face, purring with happiness
Pitter patter across the wooden floors, as she heard the bath water running. Sophie loves water. She would sit on the side of the tub, at times lean over, and I wondered if I would have to catch her.
Sit on the laps of friends in the living room and kitchen. People cat. Mutual love.
Be at the door when I came home.
Scratch at a closed door wanting to come in.
Crawling into the refrigerator for leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner
Dragging a brown bag across the floor as her paws were caught in the paper handles
Curling into her peaceful self to be, reminding me to be.
So here is the wonderment and surprise….Sophie died in the morning. That evening, I saw a yellow butterfly in the dining room on the window. Sophie use to sit by that window on the table to look out and be warmed by the sun. I don’t know how that butterfly came into the house. I had never seen it before. It stayed on the window. I spoke to it. I told it, “I am going to open this back door where the pool is, if you want to go.” I looked for the butterfly every morning when I woke and before I went to sleep I chatted with it. One day it moved to a window, closer to the back door. It didn’t leave. I closed the door. This went on for ten wonderful days. I woke one morning, doors and windows closed, as always in the evening, and she was GONE. I still looked for her days after. I looked again today. No butterfly. I don’t know how she entered my life or how she left. I am kissed by her presence.
Have you had this kind of surprise in loss or in life when you need love?
I am grateful for Sophie and the butterfly,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
A parent called sharing she was waiting for her twins to be ecstatic from the long anticipated acceptance letters to college. She worried there would be tears with rejection letters, no choices. What parent wouldn’t want their children to get what they want? Changes can bring brightness, dullness, or shades of grey, usually the latter.
Learning to sit in the unknown is uncomfortable. You realize you don’t have a choice but to go with not knowing or to spend your time in worry. I don’t think our children or you, benefit from worry, and yet it is common for that to pop into your day. You could say, “thanks worrier for sharing, but I can handle this not knowing.’ It is a practice to be able to say THANK YOU and to LET GO and move on in your day. Thank you and I am moving on today.
A mother worries about her daughter’s health. She practices self-care and not letting the fear of illness for someone she deeply adores, affect her own health. Not easy. She weeps and cuddles in bed until an energy lifts her to begin again, despite no changes in her daughter’s health, her bright , beautiful, young daughter.
A son care-takes his aging mother and longs for how it used to be. You be the mom. I will be the son. You be strong and lead. I will grow and become. Change happens. He is over-whelmed and peeks in her room to be sure she is still breathing. He remembers his mom telling him how she peeked in his baby room to see if he was breathing.
The wedding ring sits in her drawer, discarded from her thought of a forever life with her husband. This generous, creative, happy woman is now pulled to the underworld of tears and uncertainty. No matter who said goodbye first, both will grieve for the life they thought they would share in old age, full of history and completing each other’s sentences. Not to be. Not to blame. Not to regret. She knows what the challenges were after twenty years of coupling. She just doesn’t know what will be next for her. Change happens. Shades of shock, begging, anger, dullness, clouds, and then fresh air. Never in a straight line. Her hope is that she knows she is a great woman and did all she could to love. She keeps a door open that she will have a happy life whether solo or with a partner. Her coping skill of the day, is to clean out her closets. What would be yours?
He weeps for the routine he had. He loved his job. They no longer needed him . He is a worker bee. Man who produces. Now what? Change happens. He didn’t see it coming, nor would that really help his meaningless days. Grieve for what is no longer. Write what you loved about your day and what you didn’t care for so much. List what gifts you have to give, again. Keep going. Keep going. Fall and stand again. When you feel and think, feel and think, when you let others help you, and let it be ok to change your mind, you get a routine again. Ordinary days, which for him, need to be a routine, are good days. Ordinary life is a precious life. When he was able to shift to that perception, he put on his shoes.
Change is inevitable in life. Let’s talk about it. Let’s help each other feel fresh air. Let’s listen and be, with appreciation that that is a wonderful life. There are callings for doing and callings for being, both change our view. Wouldn’t the same view for a lifetime be dull?
Shades of change. How are you self- caring in your day to day life? How are you able to help others with their view? From your center, what is moving out and staying near?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I am a mom. I am not an empty nester, yet. My son is going to college. I can’t think about the returning, although it helps in the back of my mind. Today I know my son, my first baby, my only child, is living the dream of heading to college. I am proud of him. He worked hard. Slipped a bit on making the grade and then hit the study zone because he is a a child learning. He will be far away starting in August. Where will I be? I think the tears of goodbye are probably worse than how I will really feel. It has been this buildup of to do lists and applications and tests and grades and extra points and and… Yes, his responsibility but it spilled on me because I love him. I just feel at times that all is too fast for me now.
I am a good mother and he a good son, most of the time. We have had loud conflicts and those times I was ready to shut the door and say see ya. Will I say see ya in August? I doubt it. I will weep in pride and weep the gone days of morning and night at home together. He will come back. We will adjust to hello and goodbye. I will be older. He won’t even be thinking about his age. This change is showing me I don’t have forever, so I need to get on the horse and ride my dreams, now. What are my dreams? Mothering has taken my sleep, money, time, but mostly has given me the smiles of watching a life grow big and bigger and bigger. His life. What will mine be in August? I can’t honestly feel into not having that mom routine. Not real, yet. Real when I weep that he won’t be here. I might even like not watching the clock wondering if he is home, yet. I won’t miss the days I drove him everywhere, but it seems those were some of our best connections. I won’t miss the late nights. I won’t miss, “where are my socks for the game?” Will I?
There has been parent competition, unspoken, of who gets into what college. How good and special are you really? Is my son better than yours? Is my daughter more in demand with scholarships than yours? Of course, no one says it, but you feel it at parent meetings or running into each other in the market. I actually thought of lying about his accolades, but that makes me small or does it make me wise? I won’t miss the he said, she said, they have, we have. I will miss his friends. I wonder if I will stay in touch with the friends I have now or does that end? No more book club? I don’t know.
I have so many stories about being a mom. I have none about emptiness ter. What a strange word for this change of life, empty nester. I don’t like that word because of the trivial image of a nest and bird flying away. Parents are more than nests. Our children aren’t birds.
Who will I be? I just hope I have someone to talk to and someone to say,” you aren’t losing it, I feel that too.”
Katie
Valentine’s Day is a day people have strong feelings of like or dislike. Pressure, phony, commercial, loss, hiding, and celebrations of kisses.
A woman called my office and shared,” I have no lover today. I do have his love letters. We were never live in partners. We were in love. I treasure those sweet words and the sound of his voice in my head when I read them to myself.”
What room, letter, note, meal, glance, flower, candle, hike, vacation, car ride, etc., would you preserve to cherish love? If you are in love today, yesterday, or hope for tomorrow, what puts that smile on your precious face? What action do you do for love and what actions feed love to you? When someone makes me laugh, there sits love.
A mother shared with me that this Valentine’s Day is her last child at home’s Valentine’s Day and it just pulled her into endings. Yes, always a mom. Yes, still able to say, Happy Valentine’s Day, even when her daughter is at college in August, but not able to decorate with doilies, cut out hearts with kisses, cook a special meal, and slip a little jewel box on her daughter’s bed when she wakes for school. Each of us has traditions and joys that feed love. What are yours?
Susan asked me how she can get through Valentine’s Day when she is alone? She just wants it to be over. She doesn’t want anyone to know she has no plans. Embarrassed. She knows she is a good person and attractive. She knows this heart day is somewhat commercial, but she wants to be part of love. She wants love. Her fear is she won’t find a match and will have every Valentine’s Day alone. I am sure she is not the only person with those thoughts and feelings on February 14th. What would you share with her about love and Valentine’s Day?
Susan called back today and said, ” I planned an at home meal for myself for that day. I will watch movies with butter popcorn, light a bright ,big red candle, and write myself a note about what I love about love and what I love about ME. I know the night will end. Thank goodness. The 15th will be a fresh day and I am hopeful love and I will partner.”
Relationships feed you. Bob told me he has better relationship with his research than with people. But he feels the love spark when he discovers something new. Lisa loves her garden daily and feels loved by its surprises and beauty. I would guess that there are five memories, at least, that you have about feeling love. Even in loss, even in what is no more, a memory of love, can smile you. Memories matter. Present love can remind you of how grateful you are to love someone and be loved by them.
Reese told me she just loves planning ahead to surprise him. She almost feels it is a challenge to herself of how to express love and have fun. She likes a challenge. Reese also shared that her sweetie is a fabulous gift giver, but not so great with dressing well, sexy, and she wishes he would.
Solo or together, you know love and admit it…you love love..love of your pet, child, friend, movie, sport, partner, parents, food, music, travel, spirituality, education, giving, etc.
Marilyn shared she often visits a time in her life when she had the ups and downs of being with a partner. It feels so real for her today. She learned so much about herself that feed her to be a better woman. She had fun. She gave. She spends joyous times in nature on the weekends, by the water. Tears fall that he isn’t in her life now. Smiles visit her, feeling his hand in hers and his eyes that turn to her soul. “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” Poets words. Even at her age, as she says, she loves to love and thinks love will be in her hand and eyes, again.
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
If you were to drum out a song for those you love, what words would you hope to convey?
If you were to make a heart card, what would you draw in and outside the
heart?
If you danced love, how brave would you have to be?
No matter what way you choose to express, hope you have fun.
Don’t forget to send those love notes to yourself…”What I love about myself is that I…What people say they love about me is…
Celebrate the memories, the today, and the tomorrow hopes of love.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
My situation is a little different in being an empty nester. My kids will never go to college because they learn differently and college isn’t a match. Sometimes, I wish that were different, especially when I hear the news, see parents out and about with their kids, or go back and remember the first dreams of my being a mother, the things we would do and they might become. Different would help when I feel hurt by them or exhausted or alone.
I have been taught about reality and finding ways to take care of me and them. I love them more than I imagined. They taught me that, too. We are like a city in a city with lights on and off and new people meandering around wondering what’s around the corner.
I am strong. I am sad. I am their mother. They won’t be leaving home, nor will I. Still, my role as mommy changes, because they grow a year older, as do their hormones. I left the little ones who hold my hands, just like you. I look up to the taller ones and up and up.
Paula
What do you know about love? That is the question I posed to my ongoing fabulous support group. They gave themselves about fifteen minutes to write. You can imagine the joy and tears that filled the living room. Colored pastels were also on the table if they felt like doodling or drawing rather than words or wanted to do both.
Humans get hurt. Humans tell their stories over and over to heal. Humans feel the happy force of love and its ignition of new possibilities.
These are some words from their writing about what they know about love:
Children do it for me
Not a promise
Still believe
Didn’t learn enough about it to receive it
Makes me cry
Not hallmark on valentine’s day
My dog
Gardening
Learning something is love
Giving is love
Asking for help is love
Playing outside is love
Vacations from self-pity
Tears mean you love
I eat less when i am in love
I pass on my smile when I am love
Love is for everyone
Baking
Reading is love
Work is love
Beauty
Everyone everywhere in the world feels it and wants it
Silly
Parents weren’t really in love
Husband is my teacher of love
Up to me to love
Comes from within
Motivator
Mysterious
Solo can be love
Hiking is love
Sitting with a friend
Praying is love
Being present to love
What would you say about love?
What loving action will you give to yourself and then others? One woman in the group said, “I will be ok with sitting on the sofa and doing nothing, rather than feeling guilty.” Another said, ” I will go somewhere in my city this month that I have never gone to before and get over my fear of going alone.” “I will call a friend and tell them I need some help today.” “I will write a letter with no words, just doodles to my daughter.” “I will smile when I am at work, even though I wish I had a different job.” “I will clean out my closet.”
No matter what, LOVE RETURNS. Love is fed by what meaning, what deeply matters to you in your life. Nurture love. Nurture Joy.
“I will remind myself that my life is really good and I am a good person.” “I will self-care and stop thinking about the other person.” “I will dress sexy for me.” “I will make that sacred personal place in my home.” “I will back off from nagging my kids.” “I will laugh more by going outside to play.”
Wishing you many possibilities of love,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
www.lifeintransition.org
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Parents packed up their college kids, again, and said goodbye, after a great winter break together. Our support group shared that even though they have done this before, tears still fell. Some said they held back tears, while others just didn’t want to stop the sudden drop. All were grateful to be sitting together, sharing their stories and hope for, what’s next.
Reflection of what worked, what was unrealistic, and what was a challenge, is an ongoing journey. Now they hope to get into nature for easy hikes and ponder their new role as parents and as women.
Letting go over and over is easier when you have women on a similar path to understand the unknowns and the hopes.
One mom, again, hopes to stay away from her son’s Facebook because it either punches her buttons what he is doing, along with the photos she sees, or she slips and says something about what he is doing because she read it on Facebook. The computer is so seductive, isn’t it?
Another mom is taking a sculpture class, while two others are wondering what new career would be a fit for them. Care-taking her mom is another’s challenge. Relationship and moving, faces a mom because of her being separated. Over- scheduled or under scheduled sits in the room of exploration. Then, of course, as women, there is the ongoing chat and laughter about losing those five pounds and being more active.
Bottom line, it is so much fun to be together no matter what we are exploring or laughing about, as we walk this ever changing role as parents and women.
How was your winter vacation with your family?
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I said I would use lotion during the dry winter and I didn’t. I did say out loud what really matters to me this year of 2012. I did write a list of my strengths and challenges. I wrote who I am grateful for and who I am no longer interested in, which sounds so cold when I write it, but it is true for now.
I am beginning, while reflecting. I feel a little on tilt. I am excited about 2012, partially because I love newness.
Here is a thought for you:
What do you want to say to yourself?
– I am…….
– I feel….
– I think…
– I no longer want……
– I do want……
– I am grateful…..
What do you want to say to someone? I was thinking about you and…..
Finding meaning, new meaning, and keeping meaning that matters to you, will feed your happiness. What is a meaningful life to you? You get to take your time. You get to change your mind. Your anchor is compassion and curiosity.
When you are living an unknown, pause, go inside and have a little chat with yourself about what you feel, know, and need each day.
I wish you laughter and wellness, topped with the grace of simply loving the life you have and keeping hope lit for dreams and desires.
Ask for help. You would help someone if they asked.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
I stopped asking my friend questions. I know that sounds weird. A friend, longtime friend, said that I ask too many questions. I just couldn’t get over that criticism.
I wanted her to know I care and thought questions are a way to care and to get to know someone better. It made the conversations more interesting rather than chit chat all the time. I didn’t ask uncomfortable questions, like how is your sex life, which I wish were comfortable for her.
Women talk. We share. I realized I had more interesting conversations with strangers while waiting in line. I thought back and couldn’t remember her asking me questions. She just talked. Hard to explain, but I get it. I am different now. I said goodbye to her and our years of friendship. Boy was that hard to do.
I just started feeling like I had to walk on egg shells with subjects that were off topic and I didn’t like the lack of her asking me questions.
Friendships change but I mostly thought that happened through moving or job changes or even divorce.
I am so glad I came back to me. Now, it won’t be hard if I do have to do it again.
My time is busy so I want to choose at this stage of life, people who are fun or at least. I am relaxed around them.
Have your friendships changed? Have you changed?
Thanks for listening.
Kari
If you don’t call on the holidays, you don’t get the love.
A mom shared with me that she makes too many excuses for her kids not calling during the holidays.
They are busy. They are kids who of course forget.
Do you make excuses for your kids during the holidays? One year she called them so she wouldn’t be resentful. Now she wants to let that go. Her decision was, if they don’t call, I will not extend this year.
Does the age of the kids matter? Her children are in their late twenties and won’t be home for the holidays.
Are you curious to see what really happens with mother not chatting with her kids?
What would you do or what have you done?
Happy celebrations,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
Life In Transition, What’s Next?
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Huffington Post, Better Homes and Gardens, New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Lifetime Radio for Women, Chicago Tribune, Sirius, Associated Press, Miami Herald, and many more.
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
www.emptynestsupport.com
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Mentoring
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
