Your life is in transition. You are no longer happy with where you were and not sure what’s next.
Time to come up with a new dream.
When a mother called me in tears, I could relate. Her life was good and she knew it. Her heart was empty. She silently cried.
Good news is she was ready to explore.
Her signals were boredom, irritability, and wondering if this is all there is to her once happy life. We began to explore on the telephone twice a week. She chose twice to keep her accountable.
Cut to the chase. After talking, listening, writing, crying, getting out the door, saying no, saying yes, getting into nature, writing down her night dreams, love letters to herself, and a visit to a museum, she got it.
She is a people person. She likes her free time .
Her what’s next is working part time at a Bed and Breakfast. She is available for art in the garden with the guests.
I think there is a voice that whispers to you, “You get to be happy. You get to choose. You get to change your mind.” The challenge is how do you find that voice and if you have it, why not listen to it?
Simply begin something. ANYTHING. See where that choice leads you. Be on a hunt.
One rule…catch yourself when you hear, “THIS IS LEADING ME NO WHERE.” Respond with, “THANK YOU FOR SHARING. I AM STILL GOING ON A HUNT.”
Happy summer explorations,
Natalie
818-763-0188
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Los Angeles, CA
When papa comes up stairs to say, “GOOD MORNING, SWEETIE GIRL,” who wouldn’t smile?
Isn’t it the best feeling knowing someone loves you so much?
Sure, I frustrated papa because I didn’t do what he asked and so he had to ask over and over like my red ball rolling down the steps.
I have made papa disappointed. I made him silent.
I made him feel badly about himself since he lost it with me and yelled and yelled.
I have made papa giggle, stand in a room and smile with a happy tear in one eye, and proud to chat about me with his family and friends.
My papa isn’t a big wheel in the world. He isn’t wealthy or super handsome. Isn’t the team leader or most popular.
My papa is my good morning ignition and my nite nite safety. He’s my teacher of unconditional love for real.
Papa is my bright flower that taught me to stand tall, just like this flower.
www.emtpynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
Natalie Caine was sitting at a senior class meeting in her daughter’s high school auditorium a little over seven years ago when she realized her child’s departure for college would leave her nest empty.
She remembers the prospect left her uneasy and disoriented, about the transition and the questions that were sure to follow.
What about when she returns the following summer? How does the relationship change?
Would it become a cuckoos’ nest or a happy one?
Many local parents doubtless are grappling with similar questions this summer as their college students return home to settle in for a summer back under their roof.
Caine, who has since founded an empty nest support service, spends her time helping parents smoothly flip to the next life chapter. The Los Angeles resident also coaches parents on how to restrike a domestic equilibrium with their returning student.
She says it all boils down to communication, flexibility and patience.
“The No. 1 thing in the summer is to be realistic,” she says. “He or she is not who they were before they left for college. They’ve had a lot more independence.
“Parents hate it when I say that, but it’s one of my number one tips: They lead now. You’re role is more of a mentor. They’re trying to grow up and be more adult like, so they get to lead.”
It’s a paradigm shift Christian Amaya, a 20-year-old recent Texas Tech graduate, discovered for himself three summers ago when he returned to his parents’ home in Houston after a year in Lubbock.
He had been back before, for Christmas and other brief breaks, but that first extended stay back reminded him both he and his parents were no longer the same as they were before he left.
“I definitely felt that difference where I come back home and I feel like, ‘OK. I no longer live here.’ But I did respect their rules,” he says, later adding, “It’s different. It’s definitely a transition. It’s an adjustment.”
Suddenly his college living situation, one in which he could do mostly as he pleased without affecting others, reverted back to a lifestyle in which he had to, say, account for other people’s schedules.
His parents both worked, so he had to be considerate not to come home at all hours. And when he did go out, common courtesy dictated he keep his parents posted if he would be back later than usual or if he would be staying the night with friends.
Amaya says the transition went smoothly, more so than it did for his older sister, who bumped heads with them a bit more.
She was, after all, a woman, he says, meaning his parents were more concerned for her safety. Also complicating matters was her age, 21, that allowed her to go out and drink with friends – whereas he has yet to reach drinking age.
He credits his smooth transition to what has always been a good relationship with his parents. That and a mature attitude to facilitate compromise, even if these subtle agreements were intuitive and rarely outlined directly.
For many, however, new boundaries may need to be clearly addressed, Caine notes. Not everyone has the Amaya family’s easy go at it.
“It’s just having the conversation, but it’s not about rules,” she says. “That’s where parents and kids get caught. Try to not think in terms of rules. Think in terms of negotiation and think of what your top wants are. Put it out there, say what you want and negotiate from there.”
It takes practice and plenty of trust, she continues, especially for parents reluctant to let go. The trick is to put the relationship in context.
Parents need to remember how they felt when you were their age – hold that thought.
And don’t shy from uncomfortable topics like sex and alcohol.
Layout the boundaries. Are co-ed sleep-overs OK? Is it OK to keep alcohol in the house?
These discussions often boil down to values and will go nowhere without maturity and honesty.
Parents should also remember not to take it personally if their son or daughter doesn’t, for instance, come home for dinner.
In fact, she added, don’t prepare dinner every day assuming they will come home unless plans are specifically made.
Which brings Caine to her next advice: Parents should maintain the same empty-nest lifestyle and schedule they enjoyed during the school year.
“Don’t give up focusing on yourself, parents,” she says.
Children rarely, if ever, mind. Normally they relish their parents’ newfound sense of self.
“I’ve never heard a student say, ‘Well, my parents aren’t spending enough time with me,’ ” she says.
Lastly, Caine says, remember to have fun and appreciate each other’s company.
Amaya did. He says the upside to life back at home – like, say, good food and family support – far outnumbered the challenges.
Another thought Caine says to keep in mind.
“The goal is to have a great summer together,” she says. “Have laughter in the house. It sort of takes the drama out of the kitchen.”
By Matthew McGowan
LUBBOCK AVALANCHE-JOURNAL
Posted: June 11, 2011 – 10:45pm
To comment on this story:
matthew.mcgowan@lubbockonline.com
leesha.faulkner@lubbockonline.com
Jackie called me, “My son is coming home. He graduated college and has no job. What do I do?”
1. Let him know you believe in him.
2. Leave a short, yes short, note of suggestions, like volunteering at an animal shelter, starting his own website about his passions, asking his friends and their family for any summer job – one that might lead to a permanent job, give him the names of your connections, pay him to do some jobs at home which teaches him timeline and accountability.
3. Ask him how you can help after he tries the above ideas.
4. Use stories to make a point. Story telling is brief and impactful.
5. Show him how to use classifieds and online newspapers if he wants that help.
6. Ask if he needs a professional to mentor him for work and resumes, etc.
7. Believe me, he already feels anxious and unhappy about his situation. Let him know you care and you don’t want to be the NAG in your relationship with him. You want him to succeed.
8. Give him a timeline of communicating with you how the job hunting is going. You know your son, so do you need communication daily or weekly?
9. Raise the bar. If you do, he will attempt to grab it.
Do your life. You have worked hard to develop this role shift from him since he left for college. You will make mistakes. Say sorry. Let it go.
You are at a stage in life where you are more of a mentor than manager as parent. He needs you to let him be empowered and not managed. You need to discover parts of you that had to go dormant and now what some air time.
Keep humor and music alive at home.
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Online classes
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Free active message board – connect with others
– Story of the Month
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
– Los Angeles, CA
Be bold
Keep going even when you are afraid
Keep going even when it looks like your hard work is leading no where
Keep going to find your passions and your way to contribute in this world
Keep going when you don’t know what to do
Keep going when you get hurt or abandoned
Keep going when you lose the moment of believing in yourself.
You will make sacrifices.
You will cry.
You will want to quit it all.
Make your life happen by generosity, trust, curiosity and self-compassion.
Follow your gut feelings and allow your head to take a break.
Notice if you don’t like change and do it anyhow.
Ask for help.
Give help.
Listen. Thank others.
Sleep in peace not regrets.
Wouldn’t your life be boring if you knew all the answers?
Go out and discover more of who you are.
No matter where you came from yesterday or in childhood, this is your day today.
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Online classes
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Free active message board – connect with others
– Story of the Month
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
– Los Angeles, CA
Katie called in tears about graduation. “How can I have a fun summer when all I do is drop these tears of goodbye?”
We know goodbyes are part of life but that doesn’t help the heart. Hearts weep. What can you do?
1. Let yourself cry whenever and wherever using the softest aloe Kleenex you can find.
2. Who wouldn’t cry when their roles are changing, unknown is ahead, and you are grieving for what was?
3. Make time to get nurtured. You decide what nurturing is for you and put it on the calendar.
4. Ask for help. No one wants to go through transitions alone. You would be there for someone. So make the call for you.
5. Check in with yourself daily, asking, “What am I feeling? What do I need today? Who can help me?”
6. Enjoy the moments and have that be good enough.
7. Trust that this sorrow won’t last forever. You have been through challenges before.
8. Get into beauty, outside. Let nature uplift you.
9. Know who you are and aren’t. For now, honor that.
10. Play music at home and in the car.
11. Write yourself a letter about what compliments people have said to you over the years.
12. If you have tried different ways to shift and that isn’t working, seek guidance. No need to suffer alone.
13. Make a plan to connect and get out of the house twice a week. Write a plan on your calendar so you will have choices.
14. No matter what, be kind to yourself.
Change is an invitation to be where you are and at the same time go within to hear whispers of what might be ahead. You don’t have to sit and meditate for hours. Walk and be present with yourself. Asking, WHAT DO I NEED? Keep asking over and over each day. Let it be. Clarity will come when you stay connected with yourself by checking in on what you need.
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” ~ Alan Cohen
Take good care,
Natalie
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements – Invite her to speak in your community
– Online classes
– Support groups – Begin one in your area
– Workshops
– Free active message board – connect with others
– Story of the Month
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
– Los Angeles, CA
Proud parents and children have called for celebration ideas and with the anxiety of what will be next for them. I remember lists of details for the grad party, gifts for everyone who helped my daughter be who she is, and happily, gifting her milestone, along with my spontaneous tears of another goodbye.
Change continues to happen.
The photo I am sharing is from a workshop I facilitated for men and women about transitions. They are proudly displaying their circle of new connections, the wearing of the toe ring gift I happily gave them, and their written possibilities of what they will take home and begin.
Dipping your toe in the water is a reminder to DIP INTO SOMETHING. JUST START.
You can begin any idea and see where it leads you. What will you dip your toe into as a new beginning of possibilities?
Change might become stalled because of the mind deciding what to do. Do you think the mind is the only tool? What is your gut reaction to the creative ideas you are exploring?
Take a walk and check in with yourself, what are you feeling today? What do you need? What ideas keep visiting you ? Who could support you in your exploration?
Is your head spinning like a hamster on the wheel rather than jumping off and beginning? The number one FREEZER in change is that you don’t START SOMETHING. Did you know that your no’s can lead to your yeses? No, I don’t want to work for someone else anymore. No, I don’t want to volunteer at a museum. No, I don’t want to join a hiking group. No, I don’t want to live with my parents for more than six months.
Kate felt the emptiness. She decided to join a book group. Kate hated it.
Her old Kate would have stayed for all six groups. Her new Kate called the organizer of the book group and said she made a choice that wasn’t a match for her, goodbye and thank you.
Each experience builds your confidence and teaches you who you are today and who you aren’t.
Adults get to change their mind. Begin something and see what you learn about yourself. No judgment. You are on a learning path.
WANDERING IS A GOOD THING. We haven’t been shown or given permission as adults to wander with ideas. Like a recipe…try a little of this and a little of that and give a taste. Like vacation, meander down streets and shops and see what catches your eye and your smile. Wander with your ideas.
Begin one. Leave one. Begin again.
BEING IN THE MOMENT AND APPRECIATING IT is practice. Clients call and say, “I had a great time, but it didn’t lead to anything.” They discount the value of the moment that made them happy. HAPPY. False expectations of an experience having to land something can take away the joy you had.
Keep going…
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
– Private Telephone Consultations
– Speaking engagements
– Online classes
– Support groups
– Workshops
– Free active message board – connect with others
– Story of the Month
– Facebook, Linked In, Twitter
– Los Angeles, CA
You wanted fields of seeing tulips in bloom. There were buds. You were having one of those deep days of thought. Have you had those? “Oh, this is like my life, not fully blooming, not what I expected my life to be by now.”
You were on the hunt that day to find full blooms. You found yellow daffodils. Not thrilling since you grew daffodils at home or saw them in the neighborhood. You wanted what you wanted…fields of blooming tulips.
Ok. So what you learned again, is your expectations can darken a day. You have a part of you that also doesn’t take in what is and thinks the experience you had wasn’t enough. You wanted more. Are you driven, YES.
Are you an active thinker, YES. Do you fall easily into vulnerability, NO.
Do you let a part of you cloud your day, by the unrealistic young self who will always want the experience to be more, YES. Thank goodness you know yourself and can say, “Alright, you had your air time. Bye bye. Thanks for sharing.” Perfection has left the room. Unrealistic behavior has quieted.
Appreciation has blossomed, again. How, because you practice shifting behavior in the moment.
Expectations can mask beauty. Beauty of living. At the same time your adult stage of life practices carrying the hope and the reality of what is.
You want to raise your bar and hope for what you hope for whether that is a vacation that you spent weeks planning, a relationship that you hope will bring more growth and joy, a job that satisfies and challenges, a home that makes you smile when you walk through the door. Key is to be with what is right in front of you and be sad if that too visits your heart. Carry both at the same time. Paradoxes and ranges of thoughts and feelings are normal.
Communication is your thing. The expectation that others have that thing as a priority is false expectation. You don’t like it and yet it is what it is. They don’t communicate as you do. You don’t have to like that and you don’t have to ruin your day because you didn’t get what you wanted. You do get to feel what you feel no matter what. Probably you won’t get that behavior from that person. You don’t like that realization and that is part of why you keep the hope and the expression of your need. You can teach it and yet can’t make them drink it. They don’t bloom when you want them to bloom after all the tending, feeding, and care you gave them. They say they want that communication too, and yet no new behavior. Sound familiar? Some seeds never bloom. What do you do with emptiness? What do you do with hurt and disappointment? Feel it. Self- comfort. Seek help. Pause. Open to clarity on its time, not your personality time.
Not what you expected. You thought if you voiced your needs, role modeled, checked in with yourself and them, you might receive that need. Ya, well, might is the detached word. Now you get to decide what to do to care for yourself, and how to be with not getting what you need. Is the pain more than the gain?
Clients share these disappointments and hopes. That sharing is their new journey of being in the unknown, practicing tolerance and moving into change. They begin to look out a different window rather than a closed one.
They weep. They be. They go within for comfort and clarity. They pause.
They reach toward a friend for love.
Unbloomed tulips. Who knew they would trigger unbloomed needs?
May you take in the simplicity and awe of beauty and allow expectations to be
awareness of different parts of you.
Natalie
www.emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
View Boomers, empty nesters, and parents have re-invented themselves over the years with birthing new experiences. A room shifts. Life changes whether chosen or delivered. How do you set your unknown for beauty and support?
Who would you invite to celebrate and grieve with as you enter a new room of your life? What would you try to comfort yourself? The key that you forget is simply to start something when you feel the inner urge. Start. You get to change your mind and come back home.
A client shared with me on the telephone that she feels cluttered with rapid thoughts. She wants to dump her old stuff and clear out the nagging thoughts of needing to have answers.
Practically she went room by room and gathered stuff no longer beautiful to her for a garage sale. She had no one to help her and still she went for it. What she discovered were new friends in her neighborhood and cash of three hundred dollars in a weekend.
She used the money for a spa day which was SO NEW for her. She is frugal and practical.
She even took a photo of herself as we talked about, so she would have a reminder of treating herself well with little effort.
For a weekend, she never cooked, answered the phone, and one day she didn’t shower. All new for her. She wept in bed with all that hasn’t come into her life. She watched movies and ate pasta in bed. She wept. She wept.
She couldn’t write a thing about her feelings or thoughts.
She did ask before she fell to sleep to REMEMBER A DREAM I WILL REMEMBER A DREAM.
She jotted memories of the dream. She was doing a job, teaching, when she thought she would be doing the job of singing. What she felt the dream was telling her was that she needed new teachings to stimulate her life and she needed to just sing when times were sorrowful. She won’t get what she wants and still will have a great life. She looked at who inside her wanted want in terms of the young girl, the old woman, and the present woman. It is her dream. Her interpretation.
This new dream journal made her hopeful. She doodled dreams. After months, we chatted weekly and she decided not to turn this newness into a “career” or product, but to simply keep going and see what she feels and thinks.
We are programmed to do something, fix, be productive, rush and get an answer.
For her, she needed to flow. Her life has been so active, productive, and giving. Now she enters her inner world and spontaneously chooses her plans.
May you discover some tool that supports you and allow the unknown to be a new friend.
Natalie
www.emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
– Invite her to speak in your community
– Call for a private consultation
– Gather 10 people and she will come to you.
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An empty nest parent called shyly tearful about her daughter leaving for college and her not knowing what life will be like in the emptiness.
When you leave the familiar to the unknown, tears fall and your inner doubter chats away in your sweet mind.
You are not alone. You are on a walk where you are invited to go within and unfold new parts of you that had to go dormant while daily parenting.
Who wouldn’t feel scared with a major life shift of roles? The parent you were is called to step back.
I wept on the airplane flying 3,000 miles back home, alone, after dropping my daughter off at college. The stewardess came over and said, “Are you alright?” I nodded, yes, propped by the window.
Of course I wasn’t alright, but didn’t want to talk. I just couldn’t believe she was in college. College, that seemed a long distance from the days of watching and hearing her change at home and share herself with me.
I felt my clock ticking. I felt that end, big end of a relationship as I knew it. I felt relief that she was in college. I had no idea what would appear in me or not appear. Curiosity and self -compassion were my best friends as well as feeling whatever whenever feelings sloppily caught me.
Long story short, I am very happy in my new role with her, the working college graduate, and with me, the woman who loves her freedom,
The photos are ones I took this week in my garden. Before being an empty nester, I didn’t even think about bouncing out of bed to see what I could capture in a photo from my garden. My digital camera and I are velcroed where my past Velcro was shared with my daughter.
Stay curious about what makes you happy.
Ask yourself what you use to do before parenting, before marriage or divorce or career. One mother remembered she loved folk dancing. She wasn’t ready to do anything but make a note.
Another mother got into planning holiday gifts just to lift her energy.
Your shift of roles is a grieving. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend who feels a deep loss.
I wrote myself a letter about what I loved about parenting and what I wouldn’t miss. You forget there are different parts of you that hold wisdom. Connect with them, maybe through writing or walking and chatting the stories to yourself.
May you comfort yourself. There are gifts in new beginnings. No rush.
“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true
that makes life interesting.”
~ Paulo Coelho
Natalie
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
Graduations, retirement, job loss, divorce, empty nest, marriage, new career, travel, are transitions. You know where you have been.
You enter a cycle of both excitement and uncertainty about your new daily life. Beauty in the pieces means you allow yourself small steps, reflections, and openness to see beyond what is visible. You recall what you love about the life you had.
List those thoughts. Take just three minutes and write. Read it out loud to yourself. Write what you love about you. Don’t think about doing this practice, just sit and let the words come to the page.
I love the part of me that is…….and keep that writing going for three minutes. I
love that I ….. If you don’t want to write it, say it to yourself.
Make the time for you to know more about you.
– You have a hope list of what might be.
– New friendships.
– Creativity.
– Intellectual stimulation.
– New career path.
– Love.
– Increased ways to up your health.
– Explorations.
– Spiritual practices.
– Emptiness.
Change asks us to go within.
You could ask yourself,
“WHO AM I NOW?”
“WHO WAS I”
“WHAT NEW PARTS OF ME MIGHT GET SOME ATTENTION?”
“IS THERE SOMETHING I TRULY AM SAYING GOODBYE TO?”
“WHAT RESOURCES DO I NEED THAT I DON’T HAVE?”
Beauty in the pieces.
You probably guessed, when looking at the photo, that it was a rose, now fallen, blown by wind and time into single petals, no longer a group, a clan, a family, a partner and yet part of a whole.
– Still beautiful.
– Touched by water.
– Landing on stone.
– Beauty in the pieces.
May Spring open you to the beauty of your present life and the reflection of what has fallen. We simply long for reminders that parts of us are
unseen or uncertain for today.
Both carry gifts.
Mystery is exhilarating and challenging. Can you imagine feeling peaceful by allowing slow and unfamiliarity to be a good thing rather than pumping up or dashing?
Do you believe it is possible to let go, feel the air as you extend towards the solid bar swinging your way?
Transitions…leaving one cycle and leaning into a new.
Natalie
www.emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Invite her to speak in your community
Call for a private consultation on the phone.
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I still look forward to a note, even though she doesn’t live at home. It will probably be an email note. Well, I hope!
Hand prints, plants, rainbows, photos and popsicle picture frames…
What gift do you remember?
Did I tell you I still, yes still, love seeing her sleep. Peace for me.
I hope my love for her brings her peace in knowing no matter what, I believe in her and want her to love and be loved, and keep hiking with me.
Love to all you dedicated Moms.
Natalie
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
