Parents ask me if their children’s behavior of indecisiveness is damaging?
I believe there is the up side and the down.
You learn through choices and mistakes.
When you become immobile that is limiting and frightening. Get help.
When you move slower you see and feel more. Children might take a break from education, work and choose an internship or travel. Some marry late and make different choices for a spouse because of time they chose being solo. Your children aren’t you and you don’t honestly expect them to be. You just need a reminder to separate your dreams and style from who they are right now.
I notice children don’t make choices in a straight line unless passion comes to them early in life. If they know they want to be a veterinarian or chef, they persist. If they have unknown interests which is more frustrating than multiple interests, they change their mind or meander. This behavior drives parent’s crazy. It is a challenge and you need to remind yourself, THIS IS THEIR LIFE. THEY DON ‘T MAKE DECISIONS LIKE YOU DO.
Expectations need to be sorted, again. Over and over, I do see where children might launch late and still they launch themselves. They feel badly about , “Not having it in gear, yet.” Parents think they don’t and they really do, so you don’t have to carry those feelings for them. Some aren’t talkers which doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling worried, embarrassed about not having a direction, or feeling like a taker because they aren’t making money.
Parent, your job is to ask how you can help. You want to. practice listening and talking less, and back away from directing and problem solving. At the same time, hold your boundaries so you don’t limit them feeling uncomfortable, making choices, and being responsible for actions. You know your child. I often say that because it is true. What gets muddy is your anger, fear, and resentment of behaviors not changing. Get support to grieve what hasn’t come into reality, yet, and gather tools to deal with differences and challenges.
Counseling for your child can be a great choice. Can you offer to pay that bill?
One of the biggest challenges is EXPECTATIONS. You want them to go to college and simply get going with their adult life. You are burnt out managing and not having free time. You feel embarrassed that your child isn’t, “solid” yet. Life is life. Which means, if they need to live at home, they do. If they don’t know yet, they don’t. If you don’t like their choices, it is their choices. You need to care for you and get support. You know your child better than anyone. Do you honestly think they don’t want to feel successful and good about themselves? What resources do you think they need that they aren’t receiving? What do you need?
One family became more at peace with indecisiveness by communicating through notes on the kitchen table rather than, “TALKS or CHATS.” It was less threatening and explosive. They kept an empty journal where parent and child could write a thought, feeling, or question and then the other person could respond. Options reduce fear.
Parents feel it is their money and space. True. Don’t support poor behavior like not making the grade due to partying or over sleeping. You know what is of value and isn’t. They need guidance and the word NO. They need to make choices and clean up the mess. They will make mistakes. Let them have the learning and the feelings. Listen more. Talk less.
Get support for YOU. You matter. No one has a map or guide book. COMPASSION and CURIOSITY are two great tools. SELF FOCUS and SELF NURTURING refreshes your exhaustion and worry.
It is not easy. It is sleepless at times. Talk with other parents. Have a community. At the same time, be true to who you are and who your family is today. Comparisons diminish self love.
Take good care,
Natalie
www.emptynestsupport.com
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Parents ask me, “What do I do with my children’s stuff now that they are out of the house?”
ASK THEM AND SAY WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO WITH IT.
Let them know you won’t be the storage unit for them. You want to have open space and a new nest for yourself that includes them when they return home.
You may be launching a new business and need part of the room for supplies.
Don’t let go of the bed so fast.
You can offer they sell on eBay. They get to keep the money for themselves.
Donate.
Garage sale where you negotiate who gets how much money from the sales since you are doing the work.
Keepsakes that you will keep for a year in the garage or basement.
If they are Freshman, the choice might be too soon to move things out or sell it off.
It is better to wait until Sophomore year to hold a tighter line of keep, toss, donate, sell.
Parents have regretted converting their child’s room and tossing everything.
Oh the act of patience.
Paradox is , if you have children that don’t care what you do with their stuff or room, go for it.
Parents sometimes have the challenge of letting go more than the children.
If you want to keep memories for grandchildren or simply the joy of it, then keep them.
Begin your sorting.
Take a break until the next day and then ask, “Do I want to keep this or let it go?”
Some families are divorced. If an ex-spouse has more room, that is an option to store things there. Let the child negotiate that with them or ask grandparents or aunts and uncles for help with storage.
You know yourself and family best. Make time to walk with your questions.
Take good care,
Natalie
Hi everyone,
I have given and now want to receive. My children are out of the house. Time for me, but I feel overwhelmed.
I want a makeover in my house and my clothes.
What did you do to get started with starting over?
It is easier to do my home than myself. I don’t have the habit of shopping for nice clothes, hair fashion and make up.
I admit I am a bargain shopper. Do I shift that a little now for a better look?
I feel like a young uneducated person when it comes to these questions, so I am writing all of you for guidance.
Where do you shop? What products can’t you live without in your childless phase, so to speak? I treat myself to lipstick at the Mall.
I collect vases so now there is more room to leave them out. Love that.
I also want a five day vacation for next year. Where would you return for a vacation? I am going to save each month.
Thank you for being here and part of my community as we go through this silly, new part of life.
Ellie
I still remember the excitement of Parent Weekend. I didn’t like traveling 3000 miles but I did like the time to read newspapers which I always gather at the airport. I went four years and am so grateful I didn’t have to miss them.
Hugs, meals, shopping, stories, laughing, and meeting her new friends are sweet memories. I love those spontaneous conversations that pop up simply from having time together. You will love the community feeling of being around parents and college children for a weekend.
Parents share with me they feel such joy and pride standing in a long time dream that is now a reality for the family.
The other perspective is parents don’t go that weekend. Work, cost is too much. Some send one parent, no sibling or pets. Some choose another weekend when the town goes back to “normal rates.” There are children who don’t care if their parents are part of the weekend. Ask them how they feel and what would help if they do care and you can’t make it.
Students still have papers due and reading, so check in with any of your expectations .
It is worth having to go through more tears as you hug goodbye on Sunday.
Enjoy letting them need and simultaneously, being the sweet, anchor parents that you are. You are their safe harbor.
Have fun,
Natalie
I will be volunteering Wednesday with THE WELLNESS COMMUNITY, the
largest cancer support organization worldwide.
I am happy to stand tall for a cure for cancer and reach a hand to those in treatment.
Each of us finds a way to “volunteer.” How you do it , is your way of caring. Some don’t even leave their home to volunteer. Anyway you connect, adds value to what you believe.
I don’t have and haven’t had cancer. Grateful. I do carry love for people who bravely and not so bravely deal with cancer.
My middle name is HOPE. I rely on it.
Take care,
Natalie
“Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
And frightened. Don’t open the door to the study
And begin reading. Take down the dulcimer.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kiss the ground.” Rumi
When empty nesters and boomers have the blues, they want to find ways to kiss the ground. They want to see the music and beauty in the moment. They don’t like feeling the pain or worry. Who would?
It isn’t easy and there is a way….allow the ordinary days of activities like laundry, watering the garden, chatting on the phone with a friend, be enough to appreciate life. It isn’t easy. We long for meaning, connections, joy. Shifting perception to simple moments, even walking the neighborhood, bouncing a ball, can be enough.
The pusher within us roars the fear: Time is moving and you aren’t. You will regret not doing more with your life.
You know that inner voice.
SHHHHHHHHHH to that one when it over takes your peace of mind.
I really do find that reading poetry in the evening, in bed , is relaxing and sweet. Mary Oliver, David Whyte, are Rumi are some of my favorites.
Hope you find some connection in your days and nights that allows you to be ok with what is for now and still keep the dream of flight, like the butterfly, vibrant in your wishing well.
Natalie
Did you see last night’s Cougar Town on television? Could you, empty nester, relate? “He needs me.” Mom quickly drove to his dorm. Have you done that? Have you wanted to do that?
How are you doing these days in your empty nest transition? During a telephone session, a mom cried. She just didn’t think the tears would keep falling this long. She is busy. She has great relationships. Still she cries. When you suddenly hug goodbye after preparing for that moment, and you have finished all the to-do lists to get you to the goodbye, tears fall.
The role you played, instantly changes. The memories come to the surface and you float with them. Enjoy them.
You know change is on its way. Take the time for you. Feel what you want to feel and think about whatever meanders through your day and night. This is a major shift.
In time, you will love your new found freedom. You will develop trust that your child does love and appreciate you even though they don’t call or say thank you. You will step away from the computer emails, the Velcro cell phone to your hand even when you are at work because you don’t want to miss a text or call. You will find new parts of yourself that want to be creative, make new friends, and add new meaning. Let your environment lift you. Go to a part of town you haven’t visited and stroll.
You get to come home whenever you want. You get to change your mind if you are at an exercise class and you just feel too vulnerable. Go home.
You might be surprised to hear that some parents are relieved when children leave. They have been waiting for time with their partner or themselves.
Maybe you aren’t surprised. Maybe you are thinking they are in denial. I hear that at my workshops.
Each parent has their own story of why they feel what they feel and do what they do.
How are you these days in your new role with your children and in having this emptiness?
Take good care,
Natalie
Which television show do you watch that connects you with your friends?
My long time friend, who now lives in another state, talks to me as I with her about Martha Stewart. It makes us laugh and brings back memories of cooking and crafts we use to do with our children. We don’t often watch her and still the memories make us laugh.
Halloween is around the corner and we just referred to the costumes and decorations Martha taught us. When our children were younger, they decided to put on a kitchen skit, costumes and all pretending to be Martha and a guest cooking dinner, “slowly add the milk.” They laugh about that day, too.
What memories make you laugh? Who doesn’t need a good a laugh a day?
Natalie
“I have found that to love and be loved is the most empowering and exhilarating of all human emotions.” — Jane Goodall
1. No matter if you are married, single, career or non-career, tears will fall.
2. You thought you prepared for the role shift and still you are confused who you are now and who your children are.
3. Good news is you find new parts of yourself that had to go dormant and those parts bring happiness.
4. Each person shifts uniquely and on their own timing because no one has the family you have. Delete the need to compare.
5. Finding new meaning and friendships includes mistakes
6. You get to change your mind when you head in a direction and then it doesn’t feel right.
7. They come back and you don’t have to lose your new found freedom.
If you can relate to these thoughts or have more curiosity about them, post your questions or comments and I will be happy to add more support for you.
Change never travels in a straight line. Wish it did. No one needs to go through a major life transition alone. Ask for help.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
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When the house is silent, the missing crawls around. You search for why you feel so different. You think you shouldn’t be so off balance or tearful.
You are.
Truth is answers won’t change your heavy heart. They may band aid, which is a good thing. You need a rest, a break, a quiet mind.
Sorrow is sorrow. Period.
Loss is loss.
If you need reasons then give them to yourself. Go for comfort whenever you can go there. Cry when your lip quivers and your hand covers your mouth for silence. Drop your hand. You have feelings. You lost something. LOST.
You may find a new. You won’t find what you lost. This is why you feel off balance. You cry. You don’t want to do much.
No one needs to understand. Someone needs to listen and be with you when you want that kind of comfort. Do you feel you will never rise from the floor of searching for that lostness? Is that why you want to run from crying or being? Humans don’t like these awkward, out of control feelings.
You aren’t alone and you are. Vulnerability is too much for some to feel or share. Makes sense since our culture is about get going, get over it, fix it, move on, don’t show anyone those feelings or people will get tired of you.
Being with who you are right now is your gift. No one can care for you like you can. No one can stand tall with you , like you can. Paradox is, others love you and want to share all with you.
You let them in when you can. You appreciate love. First you love you in whatever way works for you. Part of the feeling lost is, YOU DON”T KNOW WHAT WORKS because you feel sad, lost. Knowing what might work, doesn’t mean the pain ends. You might know you need to get under the covers. You might need a movie. You might need the gym or the outside air and scenery. Still, you will cry.
You lost something.
May you be in the lost land and at the same time, know it won’t be for always.
Take good care,
Natalie
I planned for his college. I planned when he was in ninth grade for me to look at being an empty nester. I looked. I couldn’t relate, really. Yes, I started taking a knitting class then to have a hobby and meet people after work. Still, I had no idea about this sadness I feel. Silence around. Not being asked for help or come to the game or can they have dinner here and sleep over?
It is as if conversation died. Where is that guy and what is he doing today? Maybe you don’t feel this way as a parent, but I feel like it is over. Now I need to look at myself in the mirror and say, WHO ARE YOU , NOW?
It is not, let me share with you, that I don’t have a full, happy life. I do. I don’t have parenting daily. I don’t have my son, my son to share what’s up with him and his life. It just disappeared at the college dorm.
Parenting was day and night even if he was out of town, he wasn’t a college kid. New identities. How am I supposed to be a distant parent? How should I act when he comes for holidays?
What are the new rules and guides? Honestly, I think I will figure it out when he is home and says, “Don’t ask that stuff, mom.” “Don’t email so much. I don’t have time to read them. I feel bad, so don’t do it.”
I was the leader. Now I bet he will be and with a louder voice.
I don’t feel like choosing what to do now. I feel like doing nothing until something is too good to say No to.
I just don’t want to have a plan now. I have had plans for years as a parent. I like the empty refrigerator. I like less laundry and shopping. I like no interruptions. I don’t like being a distant mama.
Do you ever wish you had a friend on their campus that could share a little gossip or at least a, “He is doing great today..?” Why aren’t other parents talking about these weird thoughts and feelings we have? I do not want to be the one to talk about aging now, but yes, that is a thought too. Complicated life. Uncertain for sure. Done and not done as a parent. He might not be successful at college and oh my come back with sorrow to his bedroom.
For now, he is there. I am here, totally confused about this life of distance. I like all of you, try not to text or email… Sometimes I give in to that need. What are you doing with this distant parenting feelings and uncertainty? At least there is someone to ask.
Thanks,
THE DISTANT PARENT
You want to be strong. Stand tall. You miss those you love. You curl into yourself. Still both hold beauty. Both hold gifts.
In the rest and solo time, you reflect, weep, and refresh. You stand confident and step. You can’t always be present. You can’t always do the right thing. You can’t always shift perception or be compassionate. ALWAYS is perfection. Unreal.
You can build self trust that no matter what comes your way, you will be kind to yourself and not critical.
Many ask me, ” How do I practice being tearful and ready to step? They aren’t the same?” Shift perception. Your life could be worse and your life matters. Be compassionate. Of course you are sad and immobile right now, who wouldn’t be? You get to feel what you feel . You will feel differently and for now, you are depressed and lonely. Too many disappointments. Too many uncertainties. You need to let yourself be OK with your feelings and thoughts right now.
Our mind is powerful. Teach it your language.
“I am so sad. I need to just curl in for awhile. I will be fine. I am fine. I’m sad now. I will not be in the tears forever.” When you rationalize your feelings, deny them, push them away, or hate them, how does that comfort you?
You will find your own words. The process is to chat with yourself. Comfort yourself and see that for now you are sad. Feelings are feelings. Don’t you wish we had more voices in our head that said, “Everyone cries. Everyone feels. Your turn.”
Anger sometimes is safer than tears. Have you noticed that?
Learning to use the word AND takes practice, “I am sad and I know I will be OK.”
I want to get outside and right now I need to be inside. I feel vulnerable.
I can change my mind.
I am so angry they don’t call and maybe I will learn what that is all about.
I’m sick of saying what I need and not getting it. I still can have a good day. (Shift perception so you have choices)
In a group I facilitated, a woman shared:
I drive myself crazy. I know that but I can’t stop. I talk about the same problem over and over to myself. I lose things. I am irritable. I feel so tired and then I over eat. Crazy.
What she came to realize was, she didn’t feel safe being vulnerable with herself let alone a friend. She didn’t cry much. She couldn’t ask for help because she didn’t want to rely on someone and then have them leave because they got sick of her.
She discovered her feelings fell easier with music playing. For a month she wrote in her journal in the evening. Sometimes only a line or two, she wrote with her eyes closed in the beginning. Words still landed on the page, “I feel…….” Her head had taken over her heart access. She was a thinker. She was not into feelings. Comfortable and familiar for her to think and think. She was known as being really smart and she liked that image. Who can’t relate to that style? Now she says, “I actually feel lighter and lost weight, finally. My body aches are less, especially headaches. Going for a walk seemed to help and writing. Mostly, I was sick of my style and ready for something new.”
What do you hold that are opposites? What behaviors are you sick of in others? Can you relate to those habits they have?
What do you want to try for a new behavior? Write down whatever pops in your mind. You get to change your mind.
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org