I was helping a friend happily begin her college year at UCLA.
Details, sore muscles, new faces, and no one talking about the big hug goodbye.
Isn’t that the perfect mask by being busy and in a flow of getting the jobs done?
Strangers sending smiles to each other. The secret language of CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS DAY IS HERE?
Parents especially, are looking for a community, even though short lived on campus. They will be back for FAMILY WEEKEND, and are leaning into that distant date for hope .
Transitions bring tears and new behavior. A mom called me saying she was so embarrassed in the dorm because she couldn’t stop saying, “HEY SWEETIE HANG IT HERE. HEY SWEET PIE, I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.”
From one parent to another….give yourself a generous FOOL CARD PASS. You are off balance and know, around the corner is the last peak at your SWEETIE PIE for awhile.
When you get back home, make time to BEE….You have no idea how much thought and energy you have extended to make this transition for your child.
You keep your cell phone in hand, looking forward to them calling you as they walk across campus.
Nurture yourself. Reminisce on any memory of parenting that pops up. Cry.
You are at a major life transition. Get support. You have never been here before so why travel the road alone?
Many new parts of you will now have time to be discovered. They will always be your children and you their parent.
Congratulations,
Natalie
Do you walk your neighborhood without a pet and wish you had one? A woman, baby boomer, and empty nester, was sharing with me about her silent home and thoughts of getting a pet. She sees her community with dogs, birds, cats, and she walks alone. I bet you can guess her concerns.
FREEDOM and COST
This is my cat Sophie and no I don’t walk her.
I, too, thought of getting a dog. Truth is, Sophie wouldn’t be thrilled.
Second truth, for now, I am not devoted due to my schedule.
Long story short, I suggested this woman offer to walk her neighbor’s dog and get a feel for the relationship with a dog and her being responsible.
She realized she knew nothing about walking a dog and was surprised at the issues, like other dogs barking at her dog and pulling her too fast. She felt vulnerable because she didn’t know what she was doing. Solution, I suggested she ask another neighbor to walk with her and teach her how to walk a dog.
What do you think she decided to do?
Next, she is going to have the dog over for a sleep over. How cute is this journey?
Now, she wants to know what it would be like with fur on the sofas and bed and the sound of a dog in the house lapping up water and crunching kibble.
She wonders if he will dig in her sweet garden. Will she sleep or worry if the dog is ok? Did it munch on her shoes or leather furniture or tassel with her soft pillows on the kitchen bench?
Solution, have an experienced dog lover teach her the best practices of a sleep over with a dog. They had so much fun laughing at what she didn’t know or was uncomfortable with handling like his jumping on her and smelling around and around.
So what do you think she did?
She passed on getting a dog to own and walk in the neighborhood. Freedom won. No shoulds and dog schedules for now. She wasn’t ready to play ball with the dog, walk her half an hour twice a day, or feel guilty if she got home late, let alone the cost of sitters when she wanted to travel or medical bills. It isn’t over. It just isn’t for now.
Getting educated is a good thing. But you knew that…….Pets are so loving, comforting, and adorable.
May your decision come easily to you about being a pet owner,
Natalie
Did you watch the first show of Oprah’s final season or TIVO it? Was there a time in your life that you just had to see her show? Who were you with? Did you work? Did you have children?
Three women shared with me today that she is a mark for how their life use to be and how they still tune in to get informed or inspired. They would be thrilled to shake her hand and thank her.
They went on to share what they would do in their final season of work. All of them agreed they would want to document it, be giving in whatever way they could afford, and take some risks they hadn’t before like using their voice for authentic topics but not for the flash of it.
They would want their friends with them, including their pets. They would want to do something interactive and not only topic oriented, as if it were an experiential workshop.
Mostly they would want to let go when they knew they had no more to give. They all expressed they weren’t sure they really take in compliments and feel them deeply. They hear them, but the good feeling is short lived because they don’t savor it like a box of candy that leaves a good stain on their white shirt to mark the celebration.
These women are great story tellers. They are open to learning, crying, and being entertained. They are going to keep thinking about what they would do for their final work year before moving on to a new career or life experience.
What do you think you would plan?
Take care,
Natalie
Hello,
I am reviewing my life and realize changes always make me feel jealous. It seems others have a community or family to check in on them and give a helping hand. I don’t. I know I will be ok I just don’t have the connections.
I am brave and independent probably due to all the losses and changes .
I have kids who came back home after college. They are in grad school and we can’t afford housing for them.
My parents are gone now and I am in charge of the after details. No siblings
My partner is preoccupied with work.
You know movies show violence but not real pain of aging and starting over when you are a Baby Boomer.
Why is that? It makes me feel less like I am part of the world. I heard we become less visible as we age. I need a reality check on how people are living their life now.
I am planning to live a happy long life. I just didn’t plan this lack of support and laughter. I don’t think joining book groups and knitting will be a match for me. My going to a religious center is not me. My friends have down sized and moved or they are in a different part of their life and not experiencing the emptiness.
I am a fighter for good life times. I am just jealous of people who shop with a best friend, go out to eat, have vacations together, holidays that are a given with family and you bring the gifts and dessert, projects together and celebrations. I will make a new life and for now I am sad that I have to do it. I just didn’t know friendships and holidays and weekends would change this radically when community changes.
Oh, and I forgot, no mistake I guess , that my job is the same it has been for twenty years so I am not inspired. For sure, I will be exploring other options and getting help with a resume.
Changes won’t end. I wanted this time of my life to be more about fun. I am proud of being mom and that is all good but it is their life now not theirs with me. Finances don’t have to be abundant and I do have enough for a good life. We are frugal. It is about connections and support isn’t it? Where is everyone on the weekends besides the gym?
I am just having one of those days where I question what else I could be doing for connections and fun, I guess and at the same time, feeling the sadness that I even have to think about this. At least I am not dealing with life threatening issues and I believe life will improve.
I want to know what you think?
Kim
Boomers and Empty Nesters don’t want to be over committed with schedules and yet they want to participate.
I hear this over and over and I understand.
They ask me how to choose, how do they know if they are making a difference, and will they be trained?
You can begin by talking with yourself about things you like:
– Education
– Gardening
– The Arts
– Politics
– Going Green
– Medicine
– Law
– Nature
– Sports
– Leadership
– Animals
– Military
– Special education
Make a list of what is fun for you. Sounds so simple and yet we forget that step.
Then research those words with mentoring and volunteering attached and see what shows up.
You can also create a mentoring and volunteering position.
I did that when I put together my love of cooking and children. I am not a chef. I am interested in helping young adults have their passions expressed. If you want to know what I created, just email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
If for example, you might want to work with an organization that helps with illness long and short term and with children, set up a meeting with them and have your list of questions. Join one of their events before you say yes to the training and weekly commitment. You might like visiting the children, dropping off meals for the family, connecting with the parents.
If you want to serve at a Food Bank, let them know you will drop by first and see how it feels for you.
Sometimes you can volunteer during Back to School like filling back packs or during holidays and that means you are part of events and not weekly engaged in the organization.
You will know if you are making a difference by the way you feel. If you feel invigorated, that is a YES.
Depending on what you choose, there is a training , for example if you want to be a docent or assist at an after school program.
Just begin your list and your research. Speak with people on the telephone and not just through emails. Ask for a referral. This is your time and you have choices. If you feel that driving too far will be exhausting, move on to another idea. If you want to help with building new homes, visit a site first. Planting trees, sign up to observe.
The holidays are a time for soup kitchens, wrapping presents, collecting donations of toys, etc. You have nothing to lose to check it out now and move in that direction. Volunteers.org , Volunteer Match and Hands On Network are three sites to visit and you can enter your zip code on those sites for information.
I know a retired Doctor decided to help by going abroad. A mother who is an empty nester volunteered to read at the Library at her children’s old school. A dad joined a Food Pantry at 6:30 am since he his children were married and not at home. A Boomer Woman taught architecture for an after school program and holiday camp.
Enjoy the exploration and keep coming back to yourself by asking what am I feeling about this and what thoughts does it bring up for me.
Who can I chat with about mentoring and volunteering?
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better.” Mother Teresa
Take care,
Natalie
So you are here and not yet there. Transitions. Back to School. Fall season around the corner.
Here is an idea during a transition:
I am tired of being told to get over my missing my children. It has been four days since I dropped them off at the airport. Why can’t I just say to all of them, STOP IT. I think that will be my journal entry for my back to school paper or that paper you write called, WHAT DID YOU DO THIS SUMMER. I will say, I finally said, STOP IT.
Really it is time for me to grow up even more by saying what I need to say. I seem to collapse when criticized. I get quiet. I remember reading if I want to cry I get to cry. That wasn’t ok when I was a child. I am an adult now and I cry even if that makes other people uncomfortable.
I am more than a mom but right now I miss those kids talking in their rooms and yelling, What’s For Dinner, Mom?” I just don’t like the feeling of not knowing how they are . I am mom.
Wouldn’t it be great if someone would say, Ya I cry too. Ya, you must be sad after all those days and nights in your life of being mom. Ya, I don’t know what that is like to not have my kids around since they are still in high school, but I don’t want to think about it yet or I will cry.
There are so many caring things they could say.
It is not as if I was a cry baby with my family or friends. I just cry now. I don’t want to think about what I have to do or will do in a month that might be different. I just want to miss them for a little while. Who knows, I might like the emptiness of not having to do something with them or for them.
So to you who hate when I cry, I say, STOP IT. Stop trying to push my feelings down because you aren’t feeling it.
Are you guys being told to stop it?
Thanks,
Stop It Mom
Boomers and Parents made time this summer to see what was next for them before Back To School.
Here is what some agreed I could share with you:
1. I am not fully in bloom, but I have rich soil.
2. I waited too long to apply for classes in Adult Education Classes so I will have to find neighborhood shops.
3. I didn’t kiss enough when I was younger. I only dated one person.
4. I should have left my career five years ago.
5. I made my brain more important than my body. I am fat.
6. I follow more than lead and now I will check in with my inner wants.
7. I don’t ask enough questions and I regret not being curious.
8. I am bored with all my excuses so I am stepping up. I have been too routined.
9. I regret I didn’t think mistakes were ok. Now I do.
10. I am starting over with friends because I stayed too long with the old gang.
What are you thinking about for your Back To School Calendar?
What support will you need? How will you get that support?
You might want to look at the gift and the curse of sitting on the side lines.
What did you gain and what went on pause?
What I enjoy in sharing our stories is the reminder that you have an orchestra of precious selves inside you that have thoughts and feelings.
It is never too late to bring up the drums or the violins or play them simultaneously.
Take good care,
Natalie
Do you, parents, think you need to push your children to “grow up if they are in their twenties? Do you ask for rent if they live with you? Are you expressing more demands? Do you think they will listen to you? Do you feel patient with them most of the time or is your fear attacking them too often?”
It is never easy being a parent. More reports and stories share that this generation is growing up later due to economy and more choices, like premarital sex not being judged as in the past.
Parents share with me that they want them out of the house now and others share they honestly don’t mind them getting their footing and living at home as long as there is a plan …. A trial and error time is what some parents see with their twenty year olds.
What are you experiencing with your twenty something children?
I imagine you have mixed feelings. Miranda had a job and got laid off. She did not want to move back home. She enjoyed her independence. Now, she juggles listening and still having her own life as she heads out the door at 9:00am going on interviews. Her parents chat in their bed the night before, “How long will we have to worry and carry her? I don’t know if we are doing the right thing or should be asking more from her? I like us getting to know each other again without someone in the house.”
There is no rule book. You know your family values and you know your child better than anyone else. You get to change your mind when a plan isn’t working. You are still the parent and therefore confusion arises that the child should be equal to you. They aren’t. They are the children even if their age is moving on up the ladder. Be as good a role model as you can be. Say what you need to say, briefly and not when red is all over your face. Pause and listen.
Negotiate and trust that you can count on yourself to figure out the steps of these changing times. They can learn to trust themselves and be respectful of you.
One family had their son live with his aunt for awhile. It was a great learning for everyone.
We’re trapped when we compare ourselves to how other families are living with their adult children. Come back to what you know is true and what you do and don’t trust. Have conversations. Put the repair box down. Pick it up again. Have a sense of humor. When you are at a breaking point say it with the “I” statement. Ask for help. Get time to re-fresh yourself and re-assess. You get to make mistakes. Erase the board and write again.
I know it isn’t easy being in transition. What choices do you have? What do you need and who can help you?
Take good care,
Natalie
What are you, the parent leaving and what are you wanting to give life to this year?
I think those questions could be explored during your walking time outside or through journaling.
Sometimes having a question to begin exploring during a transition, can ground you for a stepping off place.
Change is repetitive in life and you don’t have to go through it without support.
Roles and schedules are changing. Learning to carry the excitement and the unknown at the same time is challenging.
A mother called asking me how to begin with the tears that fall since her home is silent and empty and the excitement she was feeling about free time. A mother of a kindergarten child asked as well, NOW WHAT?
Just let yourself cry when those feelings bubble. Write yourself a letter about what you love about parenting and what you don’t like so much.
Spend time nurturing yourself.
Plan something on your calendar during the week that connects you with others ,even for a short time. You can leave and come home if you feel too vulnerable.
What are you leaving and what are you wanting to give life to this year? I am repeating those questions and hope you allow yourself to repeat them during this week. We think once is enough when we are exploring new thoughts and questions. Truth is, repetition brings new layers and feelings. Go ahead and repeat questions to yourself. See what emerges with the questions of leaving and giving life to this year?
Share with us and receive support.
Take good care,
Natalie
If you are a parent whose child is heading to college for the first time, or returning, hopefully you bought yourself a bandanna. Why, you ask? It lasts longer than Kleenex and is easier to find in your Mary Poppins bag filled with directions, camera, money, power bar, credit card, keys, and ID.
I carried a blue one then. Now I am in the habit and carry a red one. People ask me,”What is that for?’ or they say, “Are you kidding me, you carry that in your purse everyday instead of tissues.”
What can I say, I choose what I like.
I for sure did not choose, sobbing once I got in the airplane to fly back home, 3000 miles, without my daughter, who , by joy and sorrow , I hugged goodbye at her college dorm. So, I relate to what you, the parents, are traveling now. My daughter is a proud college graduate working in San Francisco. I in Los Angeles.
You never forget that move in day. I am glad for that. It is a complex memory and one I am happy to have. Waiting in line, meeting the roommates and their families, carrying boxes out of the rental car into the dorm, buying more hangars and power strips, opening an account at the bank with her, lunch and dinner in the cafeteria, and then off campus, book store( one of my favorite stops), grocery store and pharmacy. See, I told you, you won’t forget.
But, I do forget what they talked about with all of us, the parents, sitting in an auditorium, as our children went to their college meeting. I don’t forget that bell ringing and them saying, “OK, it is time for you, parents, to say goodbye to your children.” Mostly, I remember hearing tears, and seeing wrap around hugs.
I stayed another day, since I knew three thousand miles would be a big gap between us. No rush for that feeling.
My support was the window on the airplane flight home. I leaned in, head down, and tried the quiet cry. I guess that didn’t work, since the flight attendant came over and asked, “Are you alright? Can I get you something?”
Home to the emptiness, I felt the transition journey begin. My role would never be the same. She would be different and so would I. I just didn’t know what the change would mean or bring.
Good news to you, Parents coming back home, I love the parts of myself that I found like my writer, photographer, organic gardener, traveler, speaker, and more spontaneous doer. At first, I went into the being state, the tears on and off, the discomfort of not knowing what’ s next for me, the awkwardness of calling, texting or not calling and texting her, and the complexity of emotions of her coming back home and leaving, again. The empty nest is a grieving for the role you played as parent. You no longer manage, you mentor, you don’t lead, you listen. Still you are motivated to be a great role model for your children and no matter what, keep the love growing.
Helps to remind yourself to lower your expectations of what they should be doing and not doing. Helps to practice focusing back on yourself. Helps to be compassionate with you now, just as you have been with them. You have never been at this stage of your life. Be sweet to you.
I love my relationship with my daughter who is more and more grown up. She teaches me, just as she did when she was the little sweet pea calling to me from her crib, “Mom awake. Come get me. Mommy. Come get me.” Lucky me, her first words were, “OH WOW.” She was nine months and she still says, OH WOW, as do I.
You won’t forget these changing times. It is an ongoing healing to share your stories with someone..good ones, foolish ones, and ones in tears.
I look forward to hearing them.
Take good care,
Natalie
At least you know you aren’t alone at this time of year when other parents are checking their list twice and always stuffing Kleenex up their shirt. It just isn’t real yet and for other parents , it is too real because they have done the hug goodbye before. Everyone wants to see everyone one more time before loading up the suitcases.
You won’t honestly feel the impact of going to zero at home and that is probably a good thing. Why rush more tears! When you are in love, no one wants to hug goodbye. No brain can stop the tears because this is a heart issue. You can’t think your way out of it. Remember when you fell in love and that feeling dominated your life? You do, well here you are in that feeling, again. Go with the tears. Make a fool of yourself like saying silly things or acting weird around the kids. Who wouldn’t be weird on a countdown. Follow them around like a puppy.
I know some parents can’t wait to close the final box and I still believe their tears, at sometime, will touch their face.
You are who you are and if there is any opening to being present during this transition, I hope that for you. PRESENT to it all…the excitement, hugs, anxiety, active spinning mind, not sleeping, checking the schedules over and over, crying in their bedroom, talking too fast, adding one more wisdom of an idea to them, tucking in a love note under their packed clothes, pictures of the fam, and of course, charging the phones.
The first child to leave seems to be the most difficult. You have never done this before. No matter what you read or heard from other parents, they aren’t you. The relationship you have with your child includes the good, the bad, and the ugly moments. Love still wins. THANK GOODNESS. I want to tell you, that value, that feeling never ends. LOVE. You would do anything for them even when you say you won’t because they hurt your feelings or seemed to take advantage of you. Would you really not answer their call if they needed you? Don’t tell me…
Yes, the new freedom is exciting and I adore the feeling and the open space of no schedule on the refrigerator or dashing around town with them and their friends. Still, I love when they pop over during summer and winter break. Love wins. Did I say that already? I am so proud and happy to be a mom. Being a mom raises my bar more than anything. Makes me smile big grins. What a long wonderful history we have loving our children. Sometimes, I can’t believe how long I have been called, MOM. Mommy. I still love seeing it in writing when she emails or text.
Hoping you appreciate being a parent and pat yourself on the back. Plan for nurturing when you are home in the emptiness. Treats for you. Compassion for the transition. Rest. Refresh. Keep that phone velcroed so you don’t miss a text or call. Oh, sorry that is what I did in the beginning. You don’t have to . Jump and see if they are online. Ok, again, that was me, not you. Get a life..yes I have one, a great one , thank you. I shifted my role with my daughter. I found dormant parts, like photography, writing, and time to do absolutely nothing productive……
Have a hand to hold and memories to visit while you cross from where you were to where you don’t quite know where you will be.
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org