“I have found that to love and be loved is the most empowering and exhilarating of all human emotions.” — Jane Goodall
1. No matter if you are married, single, career or non-career, tears will fall.
2. You thought you prepared for the role shift and still you are confused who you are now and who your children are.
3. Good news is you find new parts of yourself that had to go dormant and those parts bring happiness.
4. Each person shifts uniquely and on their own timing because no one has the family you have. Delete the need to compare.
5. Finding new meaning and friendships includes mistakes
6. You get to change your mind when you head in a direction and then it doesn’t feel right.
7. They come back and you don’t have to lose your new found freedom.
If you can relate to these thoughts or have more curiosity about them, post your questions or comments and I will be happy to add more support for you.
Change never travels in a straight line. Wish it did. No one needs to go through a major life transition alone. Ask for help.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
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When the house is silent, the missing crawls around. You search for why you feel so different. You think you shouldn’t be so off balance or tearful.
You are.
Truth is answers won’t change your heavy heart. They may band aid, which is a good thing. You need a rest, a break, a quiet mind.
Sorrow is sorrow. Period.
Loss is loss.
If you need reasons then give them to yourself. Go for comfort whenever you can go there. Cry when your lip quivers and your hand covers your mouth for silence. Drop your hand. You have feelings. You lost something. LOST.
You may find a new. You won’t find what you lost. This is why you feel off balance. You cry. You don’t want to do much.
No one needs to understand. Someone needs to listen and be with you when you want that kind of comfort. Do you feel you will never rise from the floor of searching for that lostness? Is that why you want to run from crying or being? Humans don’t like these awkward, out of control feelings.
You aren’t alone and you are. Vulnerability is too much for some to feel or share. Makes sense since our culture is about get going, get over it, fix it, move on, don’t show anyone those feelings or people will get tired of you.
Being with who you are right now is your gift. No one can care for you like you can. No one can stand tall with you , like you can. Paradox is, others love you and want to share all with you.
You let them in when you can. You appreciate love. First you love you in whatever way works for you. Part of the feeling lost is, YOU DON”T KNOW WHAT WORKS because you feel sad, lost. Knowing what might work, doesn’t mean the pain ends. You might know you need to get under the covers. You might need a movie. You might need the gym or the outside air and scenery. Still, you will cry.
You lost something.
May you be in the lost land and at the same time, know it won’t be for always.
Take good care,
Natalie
I planned for his college. I planned when he was in ninth grade for me to look at being an empty nester. I looked. I couldn’t relate, really. Yes, I started taking a knitting class then to have a hobby and meet people after work. Still, I had no idea about this sadness I feel. Silence around. Not being asked for help or come to the game or can they have dinner here and sleep over?
It is as if conversation died. Where is that guy and what is he doing today? Maybe you don’t feel this way as a parent, but I feel like it is over. Now I need to look at myself in the mirror and say, WHO ARE YOU , NOW?
It is not, let me share with you, that I don’t have a full, happy life. I do. I don’t have parenting daily. I don’t have my son, my son to share what’s up with him and his life. It just disappeared at the college dorm.
Parenting was day and night even if he was out of town, he wasn’t a college kid. New identities. How am I supposed to be a distant parent? How should I act when he comes for holidays?
What are the new rules and guides? Honestly, I think I will figure it out when he is home and says, “Don’t ask that stuff, mom.” “Don’t email so much. I don’t have time to read them. I feel bad, so don’t do it.”
I was the leader. Now I bet he will be and with a louder voice.
I don’t feel like choosing what to do now. I feel like doing nothing until something is too good to say No to.
I just don’t want to have a plan now. I have had plans for years as a parent. I like the empty refrigerator. I like less laundry and shopping. I like no interruptions. I don’t like being a distant mama.
Do you ever wish you had a friend on their campus that could share a little gossip or at least a, “He is doing great today..?” Why aren’t other parents talking about these weird thoughts and feelings we have? I do not want to be the one to talk about aging now, but yes, that is a thought too. Complicated life. Uncertain for sure. Done and not done as a parent. He might not be successful at college and oh my come back with sorrow to his bedroom.
For now, he is there. I am here, totally confused about this life of distance. I like all of you, try not to text or email… Sometimes I give in to that need. What are you doing with this distant parenting feelings and uncertainty? At least there is someone to ask.
Thanks,
THE DISTANT PARENT
You want to be strong. Stand tall. You miss those you love. You curl into yourself. Still both hold beauty. Both hold gifts.
In the rest and solo time, you reflect, weep, and refresh. You stand confident and step. You can’t always be present. You can’t always do the right thing. You can’t always shift perception or be compassionate. ALWAYS is perfection. Unreal.
You can build self trust that no matter what comes your way, you will be kind to yourself and not critical.
Many ask me, ” How do I practice being tearful and ready to step? They aren’t the same?” Shift perception. Your life could be worse and your life matters. Be compassionate. Of course you are sad and immobile right now, who wouldn’t be? You get to feel what you feel . You will feel differently and for now, you are depressed and lonely. Too many disappointments. Too many uncertainties. You need to let yourself be OK with your feelings and thoughts right now.
Our mind is powerful. Teach it your language.
“I am so sad. I need to just curl in for awhile. I will be fine. I am fine. I’m sad now. I will not be in the tears forever.” When you rationalize your feelings, deny them, push them away, or hate them, how does that comfort you?
You will find your own words. The process is to chat with yourself. Comfort yourself and see that for now you are sad. Feelings are feelings. Don’t you wish we had more voices in our head that said, “Everyone cries. Everyone feels. Your turn.”
Anger sometimes is safer than tears. Have you noticed that?
Learning to use the word AND takes practice, “I am sad and I know I will be OK.”
I want to get outside and right now I need to be inside. I feel vulnerable.
I can change my mind.
I am so angry they don’t call and maybe I will learn what that is all about.
I’m sick of saying what I need and not getting it. I still can have a good day. (Shift perception so you have choices)
In a group I facilitated, a woman shared:
I drive myself crazy. I know that but I can’t stop. I talk about the same problem over and over to myself. I lose things. I am irritable. I feel so tired and then I over eat. Crazy.
What she came to realize was, she didn’t feel safe being vulnerable with herself let alone a friend. She didn’t cry much. She couldn’t ask for help because she didn’t want to rely on someone and then have them leave because they got sick of her.
She discovered her feelings fell easier with music playing. For a month she wrote in her journal in the evening. Sometimes only a line or two, she wrote with her eyes closed in the beginning. Words still landed on the page, “I feel…….” Her head had taken over her heart access. She was a thinker. She was not into feelings. Comfortable and familiar for her to think and think. She was known as being really smart and she liked that image. Who can’t relate to that style? Now she says, “I actually feel lighter and lost weight, finally. My body aches are less, especially headaches. Going for a walk seemed to help and writing. Mostly, I was sick of my style and ready for something new.”
What do you hold that are opposites? What behaviors are you sick of in others? Can you relate to those habits they have?
What do you want to try for a new behavior? Write down whatever pops in your mind. You get to change your mind.
Take care,
Natalie
I was helping a friend happily begin her college year at UCLA.
Details, sore muscles, new faces, and no one talking about the big hug goodbye.
Isn’t that the perfect mask by being busy and in a flow of getting the jobs done?
Strangers sending smiles to each other. The secret language of CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS DAY IS HERE?
Parents especially, are looking for a community, even though short lived on campus. They will be back for FAMILY WEEKEND, and are leaning into that distant date for hope .
Transitions bring tears and new behavior. A mom called me saying she was so embarrassed in the dorm because she couldn’t stop saying, “HEY SWEETIE HANG IT HERE. HEY SWEET PIE, I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.”
From one parent to another….give yourself a generous FOOL CARD PASS. You are off balance and know, around the corner is the last peak at your SWEETIE PIE for awhile.
When you get back home, make time to BEE….You have no idea how much thought and energy you have extended to make this transition for your child.
You keep your cell phone in hand, looking forward to them calling you as they walk across campus.
Nurture yourself. Reminisce on any memory of parenting that pops up. Cry.
You are at a major life transition. Get support. You have never been here before so why travel the road alone?
Many new parts of you will now have time to be discovered. They will always be your children and you their parent.
Congratulations,
Natalie
Do you walk your neighborhood without a pet and wish you had one? A woman, baby boomer, and empty nester, was sharing with me about her silent home and thoughts of getting a pet. She sees her community with dogs, birds, cats, and she walks alone. I bet you can guess her concerns.
FREEDOM and COST
This is my cat Sophie and no I don’t walk her.
I, too, thought of getting a dog. Truth is, Sophie wouldn’t be thrilled.
Second truth, for now, I am not devoted due to my schedule.
Long story short, I suggested this woman offer to walk her neighbor’s dog and get a feel for the relationship with a dog and her being responsible.
She realized she knew nothing about walking a dog and was surprised at the issues, like other dogs barking at her dog and pulling her too fast. She felt vulnerable because she didn’t know what she was doing. Solution, I suggested she ask another neighbor to walk with her and teach her how to walk a dog.
What do you think she decided to do?
Next, she is going to have the dog over for a sleep over. How cute is this journey?
Now, she wants to know what it would be like with fur on the sofas and bed and the sound of a dog in the house lapping up water and crunching kibble.
She wonders if he will dig in her sweet garden. Will she sleep or worry if the dog is ok? Did it munch on her shoes or leather furniture or tassel with her soft pillows on the kitchen bench?
Solution, have an experienced dog lover teach her the best practices of a sleep over with a dog. They had so much fun laughing at what she didn’t know or was uncomfortable with handling like his jumping on her and smelling around and around.
So what do you think she did?
She passed on getting a dog to own and walk in the neighborhood. Freedom won. No shoulds and dog schedules for now. She wasn’t ready to play ball with the dog, walk her half an hour twice a day, or feel guilty if she got home late, let alone the cost of sitters when she wanted to travel or medical bills. It isn’t over. It just isn’t for now.
Getting educated is a good thing. But you knew that…….Pets are so loving, comforting, and adorable.
May your decision come easily to you about being a pet owner,
Natalie
Did you watch the first show of Oprah’s final season or TIVO it? Was there a time in your life that you just had to see her show? Who were you with? Did you work? Did you have children?
Three women shared with me today that she is a mark for how their life use to be and how they still tune in to get informed or inspired. They would be thrilled to shake her hand and thank her.
They went on to share what they would do in their final season of work. All of them agreed they would want to document it, be giving in whatever way they could afford, and take some risks they hadn’t before like using their voice for authentic topics but not for the flash of it.
They would want their friends with them, including their pets. They would want to do something interactive and not only topic oriented, as if it were an experiential workshop.
Mostly they would want to let go when they knew they had no more to give. They all expressed they weren’t sure they really take in compliments and feel them deeply. They hear them, but the good feeling is short lived because they don’t savor it like a box of candy that leaves a good stain on their white shirt to mark the celebration.
These women are great story tellers. They are open to learning, crying, and being entertained. They are going to keep thinking about what they would do for their final work year before moving on to a new career or life experience.
What do you think you would plan?
Take care,
Natalie
Hello,
I am reviewing my life and realize changes always make me feel jealous. It seems others have a community or family to check in on them and give a helping hand. I don’t. I know I will be ok I just don’t have the connections.
I am brave and independent probably due to all the losses and changes .
I have kids who came back home after college. They are in grad school and we can’t afford housing for them.
My parents are gone now and I am in charge of the after details. No siblings
My partner is preoccupied with work.
You know movies show violence but not real pain of aging and starting over when you are a Baby Boomer.
Why is that? It makes me feel less like I am part of the world. I heard we become less visible as we age. I need a reality check on how people are living their life now.
I am planning to live a happy long life. I just didn’t plan this lack of support and laughter. I don’t think joining book groups and knitting will be a match for me. My going to a religious center is not me. My friends have down sized and moved or they are in a different part of their life and not experiencing the emptiness.
I am a fighter for good life times. I am just jealous of people who shop with a best friend, go out to eat, have vacations together, holidays that are a given with family and you bring the gifts and dessert, projects together and celebrations. I will make a new life and for now I am sad that I have to do it. I just didn’t know friendships and holidays and weekends would change this radically when community changes.
Oh, and I forgot, no mistake I guess , that my job is the same it has been for twenty years so I am not inspired. For sure, I will be exploring other options and getting help with a resume.
Changes won’t end. I wanted this time of my life to be more about fun. I am proud of being mom and that is all good but it is their life now not theirs with me. Finances don’t have to be abundant and I do have enough for a good life. We are frugal. It is about connections and support isn’t it? Where is everyone on the weekends besides the gym?
I am just having one of those days where I question what else I could be doing for connections and fun, I guess and at the same time, feeling the sadness that I even have to think about this. At least I am not dealing with life threatening issues and I believe life will improve.
I want to know what you think?
Kim
Boomers and Empty Nesters don’t want to be over committed with schedules and yet they want to participate.
I hear this over and over and I understand.
They ask me how to choose, how do they know if they are making a difference, and will they be trained?
You can begin by talking with yourself about things you like:
– Education
– Gardening
– The Arts
– Politics
– Going Green
– Medicine
– Law
– Nature
– Sports
– Leadership
– Animals
– Military
– Special education
Make a list of what is fun for you. Sounds so simple and yet we forget that step.
Then research those words with mentoring and volunteering attached and see what shows up.
You can also create a mentoring and volunteering position.
I did that when I put together my love of cooking and children. I am not a chef. I am interested in helping young adults have their passions expressed. If you want to know what I created, just email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
If for example, you might want to work with an organization that helps with illness long and short term and with children, set up a meeting with them and have your list of questions. Join one of their events before you say yes to the training and weekly commitment. You might like visiting the children, dropping off meals for the family, connecting with the parents.
If you want to serve at a Food Bank, let them know you will drop by first and see how it feels for you.
Sometimes you can volunteer during Back to School like filling back packs or during holidays and that means you are part of events and not weekly engaged in the organization.
You will know if you are making a difference by the way you feel. If you feel invigorated, that is a YES.
Depending on what you choose, there is a training , for example if you want to be a docent or assist at an after school program.
Just begin your list and your research. Speak with people on the telephone and not just through emails. Ask for a referral. This is your time and you have choices. If you feel that driving too far will be exhausting, move on to another idea. If you want to help with building new homes, visit a site first. Planting trees, sign up to observe.
The holidays are a time for soup kitchens, wrapping presents, collecting donations of toys, etc. You have nothing to lose to check it out now and move in that direction. Volunteers.org , Volunteer Match and Hands On Network are three sites to visit and you can enter your zip code on those sites for information.
I know a retired Doctor decided to help by going abroad. A mother who is an empty nester volunteered to read at the Library at her children’s old school. A dad joined a Food Pantry at 6:30 am since he his children were married and not at home. A Boomer Woman taught architecture for an after school program and holiday camp.
Enjoy the exploration and keep coming back to yourself by asking what am I feeling about this and what thoughts does it bring up for me.
Who can I chat with about mentoring and volunteering?
“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better.” Mother Teresa
Take care,
Natalie
So you are here and not yet there. Transitions. Back to School. Fall season around the corner.
Here is an idea during a transition:
I am tired of being told to get over my missing my children. It has been four days since I dropped them off at the airport. Why can’t I just say to all of them, STOP IT. I think that will be my journal entry for my back to school paper or that paper you write called, WHAT DID YOU DO THIS SUMMER. I will say, I finally said, STOP IT.
Really it is time for me to grow up even more by saying what I need to say. I seem to collapse when criticized. I get quiet. I remember reading if I want to cry I get to cry. That wasn’t ok when I was a child. I am an adult now and I cry even if that makes other people uncomfortable.
I am more than a mom but right now I miss those kids talking in their rooms and yelling, What’s For Dinner, Mom?” I just don’t like the feeling of not knowing how they are . I am mom.
Wouldn’t it be great if someone would say, Ya I cry too. Ya, you must be sad after all those days and nights in your life of being mom. Ya, I don’t know what that is like to not have my kids around since they are still in high school, but I don’t want to think about it yet or I will cry.
There are so many caring things they could say.
It is not as if I was a cry baby with my family or friends. I just cry now. I don’t want to think about what I have to do or will do in a month that might be different. I just want to miss them for a little while. Who knows, I might like the emptiness of not having to do something with them or for them.
So to you who hate when I cry, I say, STOP IT. Stop trying to push my feelings down because you aren’t feeling it.
Are you guys being told to stop it?
Thanks,
Stop It Mom
Boomers and Parents made time this summer to see what was next for them before Back To School.
Here is what some agreed I could share with you:
1. I am not fully in bloom, but I have rich soil.
2. I waited too long to apply for classes in Adult Education Classes so I will have to find neighborhood shops.
3. I didn’t kiss enough when I was younger. I only dated one person.
4. I should have left my career five years ago.
5. I made my brain more important than my body. I am fat.
6. I follow more than lead and now I will check in with my inner wants.
7. I don’t ask enough questions and I regret not being curious.
8. I am bored with all my excuses so I am stepping up. I have been too routined.
9. I regret I didn’t think mistakes were ok. Now I do.
10. I am starting over with friends because I stayed too long with the old gang.
What are you thinking about for your Back To School Calendar?
What support will you need? How will you get that support?
You might want to look at the gift and the curse of sitting on the side lines.
What did you gain and what went on pause?
What I enjoy in sharing our stories is the reminder that you have an orchestra of precious selves inside you that have thoughts and feelings.
It is never too late to bring up the drums or the violins or play them simultaneously.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org