Do you, parents, think you need to push your children to “grow up if they are in their twenties? Do you ask for rent if they live with you? Are you expressing more demands? Do you think they will listen to you? Do you feel patient with them most of the time or is your fear attacking them too often?”
It is never easy being a parent. More reports and stories share that this generation is growing up later due to economy and more choices, like premarital sex not being judged as in the past.
Parents share with me that they want them out of the house now and others share they honestly don’t mind them getting their footing and living at home as long as there is a plan …. A trial and error time is what some parents see with their twenty year olds.
What are you experiencing with your twenty something children?
I imagine you have mixed feelings. Miranda had a job and got laid off. She did not want to move back home. She enjoyed her independence. Now, she juggles listening and still having her own life as she heads out the door at 9:00am going on interviews. Her parents chat in their bed the night before, “How long will we have to worry and carry her? I don’t know if we are doing the right thing or should be asking more from her? I like us getting to know each other again without someone in the house.”
There is no rule book. You know your family values and you know your child better than anyone else. You get to change your mind when a plan isn’t working. You are still the parent and therefore confusion arises that the child should be equal to you. They aren’t. They are the children even if their age is moving on up the ladder. Be as good a role model as you can be. Say what you need to say, briefly and not when red is all over your face. Pause and listen.
Negotiate and trust that you can count on yourself to figure out the steps of these changing times. They can learn to trust themselves and be respectful of you.
One family had their son live with his aunt for awhile. It was a great learning for everyone.
We’re trapped when we compare ourselves to how other families are living with their adult children. Come back to what you know is true and what you do and don’t trust. Have conversations. Put the repair box down. Pick it up again. Have a sense of humor. When you are at a breaking point say it with the “I” statement. Ask for help. Get time to re-fresh yourself and re-assess. You get to make mistakes. Erase the board and write again.
I know it isn’t easy being in transition. What choices do you have? What do you need and who can help you?
Take good care,
Natalie
What are you, the parent leaving and what are you wanting to give life to this year?
I think those questions could be explored during your walking time outside or through journaling.
Sometimes having a question to begin exploring during a transition, can ground you for a stepping off place.
Change is repetitive in life and you don’t have to go through it without support.
Roles and schedules are changing. Learning to carry the excitement and the unknown at the same time is challenging.
A mother called asking me how to begin with the tears that fall since her home is silent and empty and the excitement she was feeling about free time. A mother of a kindergarten child asked as well, NOW WHAT?
Just let yourself cry when those feelings bubble. Write yourself a letter about what you love about parenting and what you don’t like so much.
Spend time nurturing yourself.
Plan something on your calendar during the week that connects you with others ,even for a short time. You can leave and come home if you feel too vulnerable.
What are you leaving and what are you wanting to give life to this year? I am repeating those questions and hope you allow yourself to repeat them during this week. We think once is enough when we are exploring new thoughts and questions. Truth is, repetition brings new layers and feelings. Go ahead and repeat questions to yourself. See what emerges with the questions of leaving and giving life to this year?
Share with us and receive support.
Take good care,
Natalie
If you are a parent whose child is heading to college for the first time, or returning, hopefully you bought yourself a bandanna. Why, you ask? It lasts longer than Kleenex and is easier to find in your Mary Poppins bag filled with directions, camera, money, power bar, credit card, keys, and ID.
I carried a blue one then. Now I am in the habit and carry a red one. People ask me,”What is that for?’ or they say, “Are you kidding me, you carry that in your purse everyday instead of tissues.”
What can I say, I choose what I like.
I for sure did not choose, sobbing once I got in the airplane to fly back home, 3000 miles, without my daughter, who , by joy and sorrow , I hugged goodbye at her college dorm. So, I relate to what you, the parents, are traveling now. My daughter is a proud college graduate working in San Francisco. I in Los Angeles.
You never forget that move in day. I am glad for that. It is a complex memory and one I am happy to have. Waiting in line, meeting the roommates and their families, carrying boxes out of the rental car into the dorm, buying more hangars and power strips, opening an account at the bank with her, lunch and dinner in the cafeteria, and then off campus, book store( one of my favorite stops), grocery store and pharmacy. See, I told you, you won’t forget.
But, I do forget what they talked about with all of us, the parents, sitting in an auditorium, as our children went to their college meeting. I don’t forget that bell ringing and them saying, “OK, it is time for you, parents, to say goodbye to your children.” Mostly, I remember hearing tears, and seeing wrap around hugs.
I stayed another day, since I knew three thousand miles would be a big gap between us. No rush for that feeling.
My support was the window on the airplane flight home. I leaned in, head down, and tried the quiet cry. I guess that didn’t work, since the flight attendant came over and asked, “Are you alright? Can I get you something?”
Home to the emptiness, I felt the transition journey begin. My role would never be the same. She would be different and so would I. I just didn’t know what the change would mean or bring.
Good news to you, Parents coming back home, I love the parts of myself that I found like my writer, photographer, organic gardener, traveler, speaker, and more spontaneous doer. At first, I went into the being state, the tears on and off, the discomfort of not knowing what’ s next for me, the awkwardness of calling, texting or not calling and texting her, and the complexity of emotions of her coming back home and leaving, again. The empty nest is a grieving for the role you played as parent. You no longer manage, you mentor, you don’t lead, you listen. Still you are motivated to be a great role model for your children and no matter what, keep the love growing.
Helps to remind yourself to lower your expectations of what they should be doing and not doing. Helps to practice focusing back on yourself. Helps to be compassionate with you now, just as you have been with them. You have never been at this stage of your life. Be sweet to you.
I love my relationship with my daughter who is more and more grown up. She teaches me, just as she did when she was the little sweet pea calling to me from her crib, “Mom awake. Come get me. Mommy. Come get me.” Lucky me, her first words were, “OH WOW.” She was nine months and she still says, OH WOW, as do I.
You won’t forget these changing times. It is an ongoing healing to share your stories with someone..good ones, foolish ones, and ones in tears.
I look forward to hearing them.
Take good care,
Natalie
At least you know you aren’t alone at this time of year when other parents are checking their list twice and always stuffing Kleenex up their shirt. It just isn’t real yet and for other parents , it is too real because they have done the hug goodbye before. Everyone wants to see everyone one more time before loading up the suitcases.
You won’t honestly feel the impact of going to zero at home and that is probably a good thing. Why rush more tears! When you are in love, no one wants to hug goodbye. No brain can stop the tears because this is a heart issue. You can’t think your way out of it. Remember when you fell in love and that feeling dominated your life? You do, well here you are in that feeling, again. Go with the tears. Make a fool of yourself like saying silly things or acting weird around the kids. Who wouldn’t be weird on a countdown. Follow them around like a puppy.
I know some parents can’t wait to close the final box and I still believe their tears, at sometime, will touch their face.
You are who you are and if there is any opening to being present during this transition, I hope that for you. PRESENT to it all…the excitement, hugs, anxiety, active spinning mind, not sleeping, checking the schedules over and over, crying in their bedroom, talking too fast, adding one more wisdom of an idea to them, tucking in a love note under their packed clothes, pictures of the fam, and of course, charging the phones.
The first child to leave seems to be the most difficult. You have never done this before. No matter what you read or heard from other parents, they aren’t you. The relationship you have with your child includes the good, the bad, and the ugly moments. Love still wins. THANK GOODNESS. I want to tell you, that value, that feeling never ends. LOVE. You would do anything for them even when you say you won’t because they hurt your feelings or seemed to take advantage of you. Would you really not answer their call if they needed you? Don’t tell me…
Yes, the new freedom is exciting and I adore the feeling and the open space of no schedule on the refrigerator or dashing around town with them and their friends. Still, I love when they pop over during summer and winter break. Love wins. Did I say that already? I am so proud and happy to be a mom. Being a mom raises my bar more than anything. Makes me smile big grins. What a long wonderful history we have loving our children. Sometimes, I can’t believe how long I have been called, MOM. Mommy. I still love seeing it in writing when she emails or text.
Hoping you appreciate being a parent and pat yourself on the back. Plan for nurturing when you are home in the emptiness. Treats for you. Compassion for the transition. Rest. Refresh. Keep that phone velcroed so you don’t miss a text or call. Oh, sorry that is what I did in the beginning. You don’t have to . Jump and see if they are online. Ok, again, that was me, not you. Get a life..yes I have one, a great one , thank you. I shifted my role with my daughter. I found dormant parts, like photography, writing, and time to do absolutely nothing productive……
Have a hand to hold and memories to visit while you cross from where you were to where you don’t quite know where you will be.
Take care,
Natalie
When parents and Boomers are in transition what they want is someone to point out what they can’t see that would help them. Do they ask for that kind of help? Not always. They don’t trust the feedback because they fear it is wrapped in someone just being nice, or being unaware that they are really talking about themselves, or they don’t have anyone to ask. All scenarios are real and challenging.
What to do?
A woman shared with me she is ready for feedback. Her friends don’t really sit on the same bench nor do they get this life change she is walking. She decided to search websites and start fresh with feedback. She used an anonymous name at first and told her story. Now, she is getting suggestions that make sense to her.
Another went to a one day workshop and asked for the help. She left with new practices and hope.
Who will see it for you when the veil is over your eyes for whatever reason? Are you letting people know you can handle the truth and will simply listen as they speak unless they are being hurtful and attacking?
I can’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t need someone else’s eyes when I was going through a happy or challenging change. Sure, I check in and feel what I feel and express it and still when they see what they see for me, it often confirms my outcome of choices that I had been visiting or they pop up a view I never saw.
What little step might you take to get support?
Take care,
Natalie
I don’t do well at changes.
I read your blog about relationships and I am stuck.
I finally have my children out of the nest and cried for months about that change. No one talked about it and they told me to go let go. How?
I had a good life. Mom, wife, career, social life.
I put me into all those places and now my boxes seem empty.
Sure, I will see the kids. I won’t have a guy walk through the door and ask, “What’s for dinner, hun?” I miss that.
I am researching a new career since I plan to live a long healthy life.
Friends are in different stages of their life and frankly I am not that interested in some of them anymore.
I want to be more nurtured. I want friends to be more in balance with calling and planning.
I want a career that is meaningful and not a clock.
I want him to be really into me, well of course not all the time, but one who is a happy relaxed person and comfortable in his shoes then mine.
I want new interests.
My health is great because I take good care. His needs to be, too.
Writing to you, I feel clearer than I thought.
I actually have started napping for twenty minutes when I need it and wow what a good thing.
I am not exactly stuck . I guess. I am just not sure where to meet new people and I think I have to plan one thing a week like you write and just get out the door.
I want a pizza man to come to the door and make it all magic, like the person you wrote about.
I will get out the door.
I would love suggestions of what others are doing in the changes.
Thanks so much,
Andrea
Is your love life Hot Hot Hot, Cold Cold Cold? Are you stuck with emptiness with your partner today? Clients shared with me that they aren’t giving up on better communication, fun in the bedroom, and more intellectual sparks, but they are burning down.
It seems the most challenging situation is getting yourself out the door to connect if you are single or married, Boomer or younger, you are tired of initiating or gearing up and dressing beyond your sweats.
What to do?
I remember a wonderful woman shared with me that the pizza guy rang her home bell by mistake because she would never let herself order pizza. He was filling in for a sick friend. Yes, you got it, they went out and are still dating.
Oh if it could be that easy!
Do you think it can be easy? Are you frustrated and exhausted? Do you just want a little bit of a change around partnering or an overhaul?
Summer is more playful. Would you call a guy or only have him call you?
It is time to revisit who you are and who you aren’t and then, believe it or not, PULL YOURSELF UP, after you refresh, and begin with a beginner’s heart. Nothing to lose. Replaying the bummer stories is just that, replay.
You aren’t happy in the replay so get some new stories, don’t you think?
You can always leave if you go somewhere solo and it just isn’t working for you. I know you don’t want to change your clothes and drive far so just pick one night to pull yourself up and get out that door.
Share with us what came up for you when you got out the door or never got beyond the sofa. We all have flat days and uplifting moments.
Have fun,
Natalie
– A Fireman
– Dancer
– Teacher
– Doctor
– Musician
– Parent
– Writer
– Singer
– Pilot
–
Married
Did you always know you wanted to be a parent?
Did you think you could have it all?
Were you mostly fearful or easy going or something in between?
Looking back at thoughts and memories is a step forward, believe it or not.
A couple I worked with in regards to the transition they were sitting in, discovered that they both wanted to be artists. They were fearful to dream because life hadn’t been an easy road. Now that the children are married and in grad school, they decided to move, and go build their life space around the most HAPPY PLACE they always wanted…an ART STUDIO. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR HAPPY SPACE?
Some people are meant to be parents all their life. There is no guilt about what makes you happy. Can you find a way to tweak the outcome and lean into happy? You might not be able to be the kind of parents you want to be with your children and do you think there is a way to live that parenting feeling beyond your nest?
Share with us here under comments what you thought you wanted to be when you grew up. I thought I wanted to own an orphanage. More about that at another time.
Happy summer,
Natalie
Clients, family, and friends want to know how my week at the Ranch was, so I decided to share a little with you.
I came home to my first organic grown sugar watermelon in my Los Angeles garden and left new friendships that will sweeten the rest of my life.
Pilates, posture therapy, cardio drumming, jewelry making, tennis, golf, writing, singing , dancing, yoga, hikes, breakfast by the pool and in the garden, dancing, nutrition, facials and massages, cooking classes, sleeping in the hammock, drumming , and so much more.
Why wouldn’t you plan a trip to Rancho La Puerta Resort and Spa? I guess you didn’t know about it and now you do. You can call and ask about their specials and vouchers (http://www.rancholapuerta.com/ ).
I will be returning for the third year, May 14th for a week, 2011, to teach LIFE IN TRANSITION, NOW WHAT along with other presenters.
The Ranch feels like my second home. I just don’t have to cook, clean, drive or pay bills.
Natalie
A mother shared with me that she has an imagination of talking to an angel.
Real or not. She talks and feels better.
What do you do to comfort yourself?
I like to go outside. Stay curious. Name what is great about my life. Let my tears fall. When I have a stressful situation, I gear up, get it done (a doctor’s appointment) and get myself a small frozen yogurt when it ends. I don’t always make the time for the yogurt. I do let myself know I could have one. Choices ease stress.
You will feel out of control all through life. Knowing you can handle what comes our way truly helps. You forget to remind yourself that you have had worse situations and did the best you could. So remind yourself.
Ask for help. Please. Just do it.
You would love someone who asked for help, so why don’t you think you will be loved? You are human with all your strengths and challenges. A circle of comfort is healing.
What do you think you will practice when stress and sorrow are high?
Share with us.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
www.emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
How cute are these kids playing hide-n-seek from their parents? I heard them yelling…peek-a-boo, mom…peek-a-boo, dad.”
The mood I was in brought a smile. Another time, it might have brought tears since I don’t play peek-a-boo anymore and love being playful.
What can you do when you miss those precious children of yours?
I text, Instant Message, email, or actually call and just say what I love about them, “I love you because you made me laugh last week with your story about work.” I don’t ask them questions or say much. I feel better.
Sometimes, for my privacy, I write about what I love about parenting if I am stuck . I also write what I don’t miss about parenting. I get outside.
I just need to release and connect at the same time. Who wouldn’t miss people they love? I am gentle with myself and not critical that I should be over this already. I nurture me.
What do you do when you miss them?
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Sometimes you don’t have a friend to go out and about . Your inner voice
whines about the traffic or the loneliness, which are actually true, and you
just can’t seem to gear up.
How about if you go for just an hour and before the traffic?
Last weekend, I wanted some inspiration and entertainment. I had a busy
weekend of shoulds and still needed something just for me. I actually
wanted to go SOLO because of my schedule and rhythm. At the last minute, I
went to a museum, even though, PEOPLE say don’t go on the weekends. It was
so easy and fun. I stopped in an outdoor food court for unusual and quick
food.
So many different languages from people ordering food that I felt like a
foreigner in my home town. I love that feeling of newness.
At the museum, I lucked out. By the way, did you know, museums often show
old favorite films for free?
I went to the museum just as they opened. I
wanted to see a photography exhibit by Catherine Opie. Only four people
were viewing this exhibit. As I sat on a bench in front of the photos, two
women were chatting about the discomfort of the image of the photos and what
that was all about. Long story short, IT WAS THE PHOTOGRAPHER TALKING ABOUT
HER WORK. Now if I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have had that surprise. That is
what I remind myself when the whiner comes out and tries to stop me from an
adventure.
So there is more to the story. I braved up, as I say, and approached
Catherine, stranger to me, woman photographer I admire, what anchored me in
the photos. It was the horizon for her. It was the faces in the rocks I
could see in that moment.
Ok more….I wanted to do the corny thing. I don’t know why I wanted to, but
here goes. OK, I do know. I just wanted her autograph as a reminder for me
to stop the chatter that sometimes happens in my head and go for what I
really want. I didn’t have paper or a pen which is crazy for me because I
write and seem to always carry paper and a pen along with my camera for this
very reason. I remember earlier walking into part of the museum where kids
can make art. I dashed over there. Got cream paper and pen and said I would
be right back to return the pen.
BRAVE UP, Natalie, “Excuse me, Catherine, may I get your autograph?” She
wrote my name and hers. Yes, my heart calmed and I was smiling big. I
don’t ask people for their autograph even though I live in Los Angeles.
I wonder what surprise will come to you when you are out and about this
summer? Share with us.
Make time to play,
Natalie
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org