When parents and Boomers are in transition what they want is someone to point out what they can’t see that would help them. Do they ask for that kind of help? Not always. They don’t trust the feedback because they fear it is wrapped in someone just being nice, or being unaware that they are really talking about themselves, or they don’t have anyone to ask. All scenarios are real and challenging.
What to do?
A woman shared with me she is ready for feedback. Her friends don’t really sit on the same bench nor do they get this life change she is walking. She decided to search websites and start fresh with feedback. She used an anonymous name at first and told her story. Now, she is getting suggestions that make sense to her.
Another went to a one day workshop and asked for the help. She left with new practices and hope.
Who will see it for you when the veil is over your eyes for whatever reason? Are you letting people know you can handle the truth and will simply listen as they speak unless they are being hurtful and attacking?
I can’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t need someone else’s eyes when I was going through a happy or challenging change. Sure, I check in and feel what I feel and express it and still when they see what they see for me, it often confirms my outcome of choices that I had been visiting or they pop up a view I never saw.
What little step might you take to get support?
Take care,
Natalie
I don’t do well at changes.
I read your blog about relationships and I am stuck.
I finally have my children out of the nest and cried for months about that change. No one talked about it and they told me to go let go. How?
I had a good life. Mom, wife, career, social life.
I put me into all those places and now my boxes seem empty.
Sure, I will see the kids. I won’t have a guy walk through the door and ask, “What’s for dinner, hun?” I miss that.
I am researching a new career since I plan to live a long healthy life.
Friends are in different stages of their life and frankly I am not that interested in some of them anymore.
I want to be more nurtured. I want friends to be more in balance with calling and planning.
I want a career that is meaningful and not a clock.
I want him to be really into me, well of course not all the time, but one who is a happy relaxed person and comfortable in his shoes then mine.
I want new interests.
My health is great because I take good care. His needs to be, too.
Writing to you, I feel clearer than I thought.
I actually have started napping for twenty minutes when I need it and wow what a good thing.
I am not exactly stuck . I guess. I am just not sure where to meet new people and I think I have to plan one thing a week like you write and just get out the door.
I want a pizza man to come to the door and make it all magic, like the person you wrote about.
I will get out the door.
I would love suggestions of what others are doing in the changes.
Thanks so much,
Andrea
Is your love life Hot Hot Hot, Cold Cold Cold? Are you stuck with emptiness with your partner today? Clients shared with me that they aren’t giving up on better communication, fun in the bedroom, and more intellectual sparks, but they are burning down.
It seems the most challenging situation is getting yourself out the door to connect if you are single or married, Boomer or younger, you are tired of initiating or gearing up and dressing beyond your sweats.
What to do?
I remember a wonderful woman shared with me that the pizza guy rang her home bell by mistake because she would never let herself order pizza. He was filling in for a sick friend. Yes, you got it, they went out and are still dating.
Oh if it could be that easy!
Do you think it can be easy? Are you frustrated and exhausted? Do you just want a little bit of a change around partnering or an overhaul?
Summer is more playful. Would you call a guy or only have him call you?
It is time to revisit who you are and who you aren’t and then, believe it or not, PULL YOURSELF UP, after you refresh, and begin with a beginner’s heart. Nothing to lose. Replaying the bummer stories is just that, replay.
You aren’t happy in the replay so get some new stories, don’t you think?
You can always leave if you go somewhere solo and it just isn’t working for you. I know you don’t want to change your clothes and drive far so just pick one night to pull yourself up and get out that door.
Share with us what came up for you when you got out the door or never got beyond the sofa. We all have flat days and uplifting moments.
Have fun,
Natalie
– A Fireman
– Dancer
– Teacher
– Doctor
– Musician
– Parent
– Writer
– Singer
– Pilot
–
Married
Did you always know you wanted to be a parent?
Did you think you could have it all?
Were you mostly fearful or easy going or something in between?
Looking back at thoughts and memories is a step forward, believe it or not.
A couple I worked with in regards to the transition they were sitting in, discovered that they both wanted to be artists. They were fearful to dream because life hadn’t been an easy road. Now that the children are married and in grad school, they decided to move, and go build their life space around the most HAPPY PLACE they always wanted…an ART STUDIO. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR HAPPY SPACE?
Some people are meant to be parents all their life. There is no guilt about what makes you happy. Can you find a way to tweak the outcome and lean into happy? You might not be able to be the kind of parents you want to be with your children and do you think there is a way to live that parenting feeling beyond your nest?
Share with us here under comments what you thought you wanted to be when you grew up. I thought I wanted to own an orphanage. More about that at another time.
Happy summer,
Natalie
Clients, family, and friends want to know how my week at the Ranch was, so I decided to share a little with you.
I came home to my first organic grown sugar watermelon in my Los Angeles garden and left new friendships that will sweeten the rest of my life.
Pilates, posture therapy, cardio drumming, jewelry making, tennis, golf, writing, singing , dancing, yoga, hikes, breakfast by the pool and in the garden, dancing, nutrition, facials and massages, cooking classes, sleeping in the hammock, drumming , and so much more.
Why wouldn’t you plan a trip to Rancho La Puerta Resort and Spa? I guess you didn’t know about it and now you do. You can call and ask about their specials and vouchers (http://www.rancholapuerta.com/ ).
I will be returning for the third year, May 14th for a week, 2011, to teach LIFE IN TRANSITION, NOW WHAT along with other presenters.
The Ranch feels like my second home. I just don’t have to cook, clean, drive or pay bills.
Natalie
A mother shared with me that she has an imagination of talking to an angel.
Real or not. She talks and feels better.
What do you do to comfort yourself?
I like to go outside. Stay curious. Name what is great about my life. Let my tears fall. When I have a stressful situation, I gear up, get it done (a doctor’s appointment) and get myself a small frozen yogurt when it ends. I don’t always make the time for the yogurt. I do let myself know I could have one. Choices ease stress.
You will feel out of control all through life. Knowing you can handle what comes our way truly helps. You forget to remind yourself that you have had worse situations and did the best you could. So remind yourself.
Ask for help. Please. Just do it.
You would love someone who asked for help, so why don’t you think you will be loved? You are human with all your strengths and challenges. A circle of comfort is healing.
What do you think you will practice when stress and sorrow are high?
Share with us.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
www.emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
How cute are these kids playing hide-n-seek from their parents? I heard them yelling…peek-a-boo, mom…peek-a-boo, dad.”
The mood I was in brought a smile. Another time, it might have brought tears since I don’t play peek-a-boo anymore and love being playful.
What can you do when you miss those precious children of yours?
I text, Instant Message, email, or actually call and just say what I love about them, “I love you because you made me laugh last week with your story about work.” I don’t ask them questions or say much. I feel better.
Sometimes, for my privacy, I write about what I love about parenting if I am stuck . I also write what I don’t miss about parenting. I get outside.
I just need to release and connect at the same time. Who wouldn’t miss people they love? I am gentle with myself and not critical that I should be over this already. I nurture me.
What do you do when you miss them?
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Sometimes you don’t have a friend to go out and about . Your inner voice
whines about the traffic or the loneliness, which are actually true, and you
just can’t seem to gear up.
How about if you go for just an hour and before the traffic?
Last weekend, I wanted some inspiration and entertainment. I had a busy
weekend of shoulds and still needed something just for me. I actually
wanted to go SOLO because of my schedule and rhythm. At the last minute, I
went to a museum, even though, PEOPLE say don’t go on the weekends. It was
so easy and fun. I stopped in an outdoor food court for unusual and quick
food.
So many different languages from people ordering food that I felt like a
foreigner in my home town. I love that feeling of newness.
At the museum, I lucked out. By the way, did you know, museums often show
old favorite films for free?
I went to the museum just as they opened. I
wanted to see a photography exhibit by Catherine Opie. Only four people
were viewing this exhibit. As I sat on a bench in front of the photos, two
women were chatting about the discomfort of the image of the photos and what
that was all about. Long story short, IT WAS THE PHOTOGRAPHER TALKING ABOUT
HER WORK. Now if I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have had that surprise. That is
what I remind myself when the whiner comes out and tries to stop me from an
adventure.
So there is more to the story. I braved up, as I say, and approached
Catherine, stranger to me, woman photographer I admire, what anchored me in
the photos. It was the horizon for her. It was the faces in the rocks I
could see in that moment.
Ok more….I wanted to do the corny thing. I don’t know why I wanted to, but
here goes. OK, I do know. I just wanted her autograph as a reminder for me
to stop the chatter that sometimes happens in my head and go for what I
really want. I didn’t have paper or a pen which is crazy for me because I
write and seem to always carry paper and a pen along with my camera for this
very reason. I remember earlier walking into part of the museum where kids
can make art. I dashed over there. Got cream paper and pen and said I would
be right back to return the pen.
BRAVE UP, Natalie, “Excuse me, Catherine, may I get your autograph?” She
wrote my name and hers. Yes, my heart calmed and I was smiling big. I
don’t ask people for their autograph even though I live in Los Angeles.
I wonder what surprise will come to you when you are out and about this
summer? Share with us.
Make time to play,
Natalie
Parents have called to share their feelings and questions about attending their child’s college orientation.
Some will be going to move their college children into dorms or apartments about a month after orientation, so they are passing on taking off work, spending the money, and sharing this experience.
It isn’t an easy decision. Parents look forward to this transition before the big hug goodbye. They want to be part of the community even though they know it isn’t really their community. They want to share in the experience and still be mom or dad who nurtures and takes care of their children. They aren’t wanting to let go, yet of protector and problem solver. They know the final curtain call is around the corner.
It is a vacation for the family. It is ease on down the road time.
Each family evaluates the pros and cons of being there for orientation. We have an orchestra of voices inside us that want air time. Let them speak to you by doing a walking meditation or sitting. Ask the question, “What value is there in my going to the college orientation?” “Do I need to go?’ “Will I miss out?” “Will I regret that I didn’t go?” You will have many questions and many answers. This is a sorting time. Whatever you decide, trust you can handle the outcome. Isn’t it all about trust and not about the right answer? We forget to journey inside and keep asking the questions. We ask once. Ask when you are pouring your coffee in the early morning and sitting before work. Repetition is a good thing for clarity and getting to know yourself.
If you don’t go, make a plan for yourself for the time she/he is gone. You need to feel nurtured and have fun at home. If your inner critic hammers you for not going, say, “THANKS FOR SHARING AND I AM FINE.” If you feel sad, feel those feelings. Who wouldn’t feel sad with all these changes and role shifts?
Are you going?
Share with us,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles, CA
818-763-0188
800-446-3310
Surprises that lift Empty Nesters and baby boomer. Rick Bayless’s new restaurant, RED O, just opened in my home town of Los Angeles. I have been fortunate to take a cooking class with him, eat at his Chicago restaurant and have him sign menus I saved for seven years when we were on my daughter’s college tour.
Food Channel and Top Chef watcher is where I fantasize my other life.
His Los Angeles restaurant does not disappoint and allows me to make a plan to return.
My wish for you is to daydream about what lifts your spirits. What did you like to do after school? What vacation pops in your mind as a memory? If you only had the time and money, you would……….? Don’t edit those initial pops in your precious mind.
For years, I have wanted to build more of a community in my neighborhood and not drive those bumper freeways. Finally, this is happening. A friend said to me, “Thanks for calling me for dinner tonight. No one does anything spontaneous anymore.” Is that true where you live? I loved walking to her house and then for chopped salad and roasted chicken where we sat outside and chatted about motherhood, relationships, work, and hopes for a better collaborative world.
Trying new things, like taking yourself, solo out for lunch, is great. You don’t have to do it again.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
I am so excited about returning to teach at Rancho La Puerta Resort and Spa, LIFE IN TRANSITION, WHAT’S NEXT? I want to remind you and me that dreams do come true since this winner for best resort and spa, 2010, voted by Travel and Leisure Magazine truly lives up to a spectacular vacation spot. I have made lifetime friends from being there. I learned from other teachers. I ate the most delicious foods and saw night skies that I don’t ever see in the city. Peace and beauty topped with music, great service, and treats unending.
For years, I heard about this place and imagined I would get there someday.
Someday is around the corner. Whatever that voice says in your head that you can’t have a dream come true, say, “THANKS FOR SHARING and I AM GOING FOR IT.”
– Make your dream or good fortune list that has happened to you.
– Make a new one of what might be possible.
– Make another that is top on your list.
Yes, that photo is Rick Bayless, the top chef winner, cooking at the beautiful kitchen at the Ranch. When my daughter was a senior in high school and we visited colleges, going to his restaurant was top on our list. We went. I saved the menu and photos and he signed them for me as we were both teaching at the same time at the Ranch. Seven years of wanting that to happen and what matters is, I fortunately got that dream. The icing on the cake is that he is opening a restaurant in Los Angeles – how would you like it if your favorite chef opened a restaurant in your home town?
We don’t get everything want. We do get to enjoy moment to moment of dreaming and still moving forward when dreams don’t happen. Don’t take it personally.
Life is life and thank goodness we get another day.
It is passion and new experiences that help lift us from our worries and losses for awhile. A mother told me during a consultation that she mostly wanted something to look forward to, so we began her journey from where she was right then to possibilities that would shift her energy. They don’t have to be vacations, new career, partners, moving. They can be ordinary experiences that feed you, like a day drive with a book on tape or music and yummy food. You stop and walk and explore a new area.
Writing possible interests you have, helps you focus right there on the question, “WHAT DO I NEED TODAY?”
Enjoy these summer days and stay connected on our free message board or by sending me an email asking for what you need.
The photos are from Rancho La Puerta that I captured last year.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
