Summer is playful and dreading because back to school is around the corner. A mother shared with me that she knows change is coming but her brain doesn’t know how to have fun NOW with the family. Brain chatter chills her. Loss, again, brings her down and out of the moment. Her heart aches for the forever myth in movies and story books. She isn’t ready to give it up. I love when she said these real feeling words. I DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP HAVING ALL THAT I WANT. I FEEL LOST
Good news is change, emptiness, makes room for parts of you that had to go dormant. I found my inner photographer where I share my new passion in my blog photos and my photos with my friends, family, and professionals. My house finally has framed photos that make me smile.
If you had told me a year ago that I would wake and grab my digital to catch a surprise in the morning, 6:oo am, before sipping coffee, I wouldn’t have known that. Not knowing is the good news.
Uncomfortable for the part of you that feels like you need to know how to be a parent, partner, friend, sibling, son/daughter, leader, job seeker, re-locator, etc. Is it realistic to think life would be happier if you just knew what you wanted?
Why don’t we celebrate the unknown and change? Do you wish we had been exposed while growing up to stories and teachings about awkwardness being normal behavior?
Change is for sure awkward. Not knowing feeds the celebration of mystery, surrender, and surprise. PRESENT MOMENT is a coping skill for the unknown. We get to change our mind as adults and that reminder propels choices.
You probably have many thoughts about being exposed to awkwardness and the unknown earlier in life. Maybe you could post comments here to share why we don’t celebrate the unknown and changes?
Wishing you compassion and possibility of celebrating the mystery of not knowing -yet,
Natalie
818-763-0188
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
I am an empty nest mother.
I was doing fine with my children being out of the house. I don’t know what triggered this loneliness and sadness. One is married, the other is a sophomore in college, and one more is in grad school.
I wonder if it is because I really haven’t found a deep new meaningful passion. I want that so much. I am busy and still not really connected it seems. Connected to clarity. I think about moving and downsizing. I think about a trip, as the clock ticks in my age numbers. I think about relatives I don’t see much and don’t even know if I want to see them.
Health is good. Normal issues I think. I am not really in love. I want that too. Who thought I would be wondering and feeling all this now. I thought when I got free time I would enjoy it. Seems I don’t know how to do that very well.
Creature of habit gets in the way and the lack of vavoom.
I don’t think there is a check sheet about this life now. I don’t even want to live by a check sheet. I don’t think enough people talk about it, either.
All the books and movies and groups were when we were raising our children. I will live a long healthy life so I want to find that passion and meaning for life, again. Is it normal to lose it and then find it?
How do you deal with the funk for so long? I am good at problem solving quickly. No quickly here.
Well thanks for letting me write to you.
A Woman Wondering
Who do you want to give a shout out to this summer? You forget that it can be simple to begin a conversation.
A mother called me feeling lonely. Her friends were on vacation with their partners. Her children were never home. She felt that no one was really talking about the up and coming empty nest, except for her.
You can probably relate to times when you felt isolated and didn’t want it to be that way.
Summer can be a time to reconnect with nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts and uncles. You send an email saying you would like to see them. When would be a good time for them?
You give a call to an organization that you are just beginning to take interest in exploring. You don’t have to make a long commitment. You go once and decide after that experience.
You get in the car and connect with nature. Pack your favorite picnic and sit by flowing water.
Head out to an outdoor concert in the park. You can go early so you avoid the parking rush. You leave early if you aren’t into it.
Explore websites and post on forums.
Walk your neighborhood as if you had a dog and even if you are tired, the dog has to go out.
Find old friends from high school, college, work on an online website and say hello.
Sounds simple and you just have to gear up a little to risk.
When you don’t make a connection, please don’t take it personally. Reach out later.
Connect with your inner beauty, your inner wisdom, your inner quiet self.
Take notes on what you discovered.
Buy a newspaper and sit outside at a caf
Do you wish you would win the WORLD CUP or simply be in the game of relationships?
Even when you are in the partnering you wonder, is this as good as it gets?
During the World Cup events, did you take sides or enjoy the games? I think when you watch the games you begin to shout for a team that wins your heart. What made that happen in you? Intensity, trust, sportsmanship, honor, skill, focus, loyalty, the unexpected, the following, the smile on his face?
I know the relationship of parenting won your heart. The sorrow is, it’s over. Game over. Not true. It isn’t over when they leave the nest. It is a major life shift in the role you play with your children as you empty your nest or sit in it. Parenting doesn’t end.
There are a bag of balls to kick around on the field of partnering. When the children leave, relationships get a review time….an update for where you are right now and where you thought you would be. Hopes of tomorrow will be easier to talk about then how it is right now. Right now isn’t forever. It is review time. Course correction, over haul, or sad wave goodbye? Actually, all relationships are up for review when you are in this transition stage, but no rush to get clarity quickly. Pauses clear the field and see a new.
When you and your partner disagree about what your children need or should do in this life transition, guess what, that is to be expected. You’re different. You hear things differently and have different ideas and solutions based on your needs, values, and history of life. Some people ponder internally. Some chat and chat to sort their thoughts and heal the feeling of being out of control. Some chat because it makes a connection and hopefully, intimacy. Some need to move when they talk others want to sit. Some write it down. Others hate writing.
What can you do?
You can shift and welcome new perspectives simply by listening to each other. Sounds simple but feathers get ruffled and listening flies away. Power struggles. Need for control pops up on your screen since you are feeling out of control with the change in your parenting role. Loss and entering the unknown is deeply uncomfortable to say the least. No one wants to talk about the elephant in the room, which could be, WHAT WILL WE DO NOW without the bond of our children in the next room? Will I like you? Will you like me? Will I want more time to play? Will you want to work more for comfort?
Begin a conversation without having the goal be to solve the issues. There is no winning. There is team playing in partnership. You want him to be happy. He wants you to be happy.
Simply begin to say what you are thinking and feeling. Set it up to listen and not solve. Reflect what you hear. Add inspiration. Action works. Words fade when shifts don’t show up in the room and they become repetitive like that hamster on a wheel.
Celebrate that you are able to talk about uncomfortable issues and that you don’t have answers, yet. Say what you need. Check during the week to see if that is showing up or did you toss it out the field because of habits?
Fill your cup with curiosity and compassion.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188, Los Angeles, CA
Baby boomers, empty nesters, new parents, grandparents, newlyweds, adult children, teens, divorced families, well you can add to this list, all wonder , WHY CAN”T WE GET ALONG?
You are not going to be able to change me and I won’t be able to change you. Why is that idea so difficult? Parents want to change their children and their spouses for that matter. Children want their parents to change. The key to the heart is negotiating and acceptance. The myth is once you learn that, it will stick. Not true. Practice means practice. Vulnerability is vulnerability. You feel uncomfortable because you could get hurt by what you are expressing. It could be used against you at the worst times and you might fear you just won’t be loved when someone hears your limitations and your deep feelings.
The paradox is, you will still need to express what you want, “I want you to call me once a week because I want to know how you are doing and I just want to hear your voice.” You get to ask your children for what you want. You need to let go when the behavior doesn’t show up. Focus back on what you need each day that doesn’t always include your children or your spouse. I know, you have heard that before. It really does work and that is why you hear it over and over.
You can ask you partner, “Please just listen to what I need to say and don’t get defensive or try to immediately come up with a solution. It feels like you are trying to end the conversation fast or control how I should be thinking and feeling. Listen first, pause, please. Get out of your sweet mind and drop into your soft heart. You will express in the way you express. Reminder is, you won’t have a chance to get what you want if you aren’t honestly open to hearing the other person’s response. If it is the same ole, same ole response, “I am trying and I need to try harder.” That response can be frustrating for sure because it doesn’t move you in the direction you want. It makes you feel like the person really doesn’t want to change or they would think about it and come back at some point with new ideas or thoughts. Figuring out why the behavior isn’t changing is a helper. You need to dive below the surface or the same behavior continues as a habit. Adult to adult diving is different than adult to children. Children are young even if you call them, ADULT CHILDREN. They aren’t the same age as you. Partner to partner can shift behaviors.
Partner to partner, might not shift behaviors. Feel what you feel. Say what you need to say without screaming by keeping in touch with your feelings so you don’t send out a canon. When you do trigger your canon and you will, SORRY and naming more than that, “I am sorry I attached you. I needed to wait until I cooled down. I needed to have it be ok for me to be angry and to let you know I am breaking with the same old behavior problems that don’t get shifted. I just fear I will always have to tolerate your behaviors because I don’t see signs of new behaviors. It doesn’t make sense to me that same, same keeps showing up on the weekends when we have time to go out and do fun things together or be home and laugh.” Each of us has our own style of words and thinking process. It helps to learn the style and teach each other so that one partner doesn’t feel like he or she is always leading the feelings and discomfort discussions. Doesn’t it sound so easy? It is not, so don’t set yourself up for thinking it is. Communication takes practice and the willingness to pause before you speak and to plan ahead.
Natalie Caine
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
This summer of fireworks, picnics, road trips and gatherings might be different if you are in a transition.
Our neighborhood makes it easy because we are a community. Fourth of July morning we have cupcakes, popcorn, BBQ for lunch, kids decorating their bikes with ribbon, fire trucks, chalk drawings, and a parade of red, white and blue walking the neighborhood. Each street is assigned goodies to drop off on the porch of a designated home before the celebration.
I no longer have children at home so the experience is different. I do stop by and say hello when I drop off my donation. I walk the neighborhood.
Some families decorate their dogs. In the evening we walk with our folded chairs and snacks to watch the fireworks.
Independence, freedom, choices, liberation, and not being controlled are sometimes taken for granted, especially when we are hurting due to losses or pending goodbyes or uncertainties of your future. I for sure have had sad days on the Fourth of July.
I like remembering what the family use to do. Picnics, pony rides, face painting, banners, and the smell of food on the barbeque, sided with cole slaw and pickles. I love that our neighborhood has this yearly celebration as a choice for the day and evening.
With all the challenges of today and the past ones we all have traveled due to illness, divorce, death, role shifts, moving, job loss, financial changes, and dreams that didn’t come true, I plan to make it a fun weekend and hope you find something playful to do. Start a new tradition. I know starting over again and again requires energy. If you don’t have it this weekend, curl in, watch a movie, and simply name all the freedoms you do have. It takes five minutes and might lift a dreary feeling.
Happy Fourth of July,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Changes are around the corner, again this summer. Vacation time, goodbyes, celebrations, and moving into new roles with your family. What do you want to remember about the role you have played that grew you and grew your family?
We forget to stop and reflect about the value we have added to people in our lives. Is it your smile? Is it your ability to sincerely listen? Are you a great problem solver, organizer, teacher of life, example of getting back up when you fall, asking for help, saying what you are feeling, seeking help for yourself, creative, or adding beauty and health to your home? You might be a combination.
As you are heading into a TRANSITION and tears fall, let them drop. Feel what you need to feel. Make plans for nurturing yourself by asking, “What is fun for me that I use to do? What helps me shift when I am down? What is frightening right now? Who can support me?”
A big change you are traveling is learning how to FOCUS BACK ON YOURSELF.
You have been there for others for decades and it structured your time and mind, as well as your heart. Your turn now, to slowly reflect, appreciate you, and begin to wonder what will be next for you.
A mother shared that she doesn’t want to think about the end of summer because of her children leaving, again. She dreads feeling all those feelings of emptiness and uncertainty. She doesn’t like the silence and the not knowing how her children are doing. Sometimes our ANXIETY is bigger than what we know we CAN HANDLE. It doesn’t mean we like the situation, but REFLECTING on times we have made it through a challenge, builds that muscle, again. Get support.
Take care,
Natalie
You already know that planning for a fun time, makes it happen. These photos are from a night out to see the play, IN THE HEIGHTS in Hollywood. We even bought candy which we never do and dressed up, a little. We had a great time. Fantastic music and dancing….we were lifted!
You might have a long list of why not to plan:
As you know, one of my passions is my organic vegetable and flower garden.
Here is a surprise: I planted my sunflower seeds all at the same time. I have never grown them. Surprise is, the smallest, shortest plant opened her SUNNY FACE FIRST. I planted all my tomato plants from seed at the same time. The most hidden, bottom of the vine tomato is turning red first. I could barely see the tomato.
Expect the unexpected is what I learned from these plants. Caring for the plants, losing some, feeding others, and watching them grow is like birth and having little ones, which you can relate to if you are a gardener. I hate when the moths and caterpillars get the food before I do. My friend said it is like the news where someone else landed the account or got to go on a great vacation or date and you didn’t, or the parent whose child is sweet as can be and yours is acting out.
What can you do? Vent, weep, remember the good times you have had and the good you are, and keep going. It sounds so easy and for sure isn’t.
Sometimes you need to nourish yourself and take a break. No emails, telephone, laundry, or cooking. Just do it. Step out of your routine.
I hope you have good support that hears you and adds that they believe in you and want to know how they can help you through a bad day or challenging cycle. Disappointment after disappointment naturally shuts you down. There aren’t always answers of why things are going the way they are. You know yourself. You know when you are doing what you can and when you are resisting what might be a better choice. You get to still be loving to yourself no matter what life challenges, mistakes, or unknowns you are living. You know and you forget that criticizing yourself and self punishing doesn’t grow a healthy life.
Practice shifting your perception, weep, and complain, shut down, and step again. There will always be people you know who have more than you and those who have less. Our mind likes to compare and spin us into a wind storm. Step out of it and do something that makes you happy. A little happiness feeds your spirit and dusts the cob webs. You need to sleep, eat well, talk with someone, do something creative and ask for help.
Have a fun weekend and appreciate your life, Natalie
PS – A mother shared with me she just needed to stay in bed for a couple of days and flip the channels as she grieved. She was tired of talking about her woes, so for her, she curled in and didn’t even shower. She is lifted again in a small enough way that she trusts she can grieve and survive the pain. Do you remember suffering times that you thought would never end?
If I move from within , I am fine. If my mind rattles, I tumble.
Do you Empty Nesters and Boomers have that experience when you have to pull yourself up and begin again? What chatters in your head more than you like?
My secret to a quiet head is doing something simple that I love. I only have to step out the door while still in my night shirt, sipping black coffee. I look at the changes in my flower and vegetable garden. I shoot photos close and far, back, and front. I feel lifted and emptied of the rattle after that time in the garden with my camera.
I want a new digital camera so I need to have a big garage sale with neighbors. I need to have one just because it is summer on the lawn and I love open space in my garage and cupboards. Definitely not motivated right now to make that happen.
I keep a photo of ballet dancers on my wall in front of my work space. I have never been a ballerina, except when I was six. I look up and see that inner movement and grace. Visuals of beauty relax me. What relaxes you?
I remind myself of the bigger picture and not the fly buzzing in my room that won’t leave me alone.
I don’t jump ahead with the what if’s and the dreads of later that will come. I know that is a common suggestion. It works. You need to practice doing that, and you know it reduces tears and stress. PRESENT MOMENT. Look around right now and let your eye catch something. Mine just caught the black rim of my computer. I never saw that it was bottomed in silver. I stare, shoulders down, feet on the floor, lips closed, air through my nose. I am here. It isn’t exciting or life changing. It is a shift and sometimes we simply need to SHIFT just for a break from the fullness that is cramping.
Walking my neighborhood happens if I let go of work and remind myself that 20 minutes refreshes. I don’t schedule when to walk. I just know if I don’t walk in the early morning mixed with photo joy , then I need to walk in the evening. I am better if I walk early because my mind rattles and I tumble sometimes in the evening.
How do you begin when you don’t want to?
How do you follow through with your new role as a parent and not fall to the back? My two lines that reduce the disappointments are: The adult children lead now. Let my expectations go . Get nurtured by doing something fun. I often hear when I teach that it is challenging to figure out what would be fun. Pick something and try it. You can leave. It is a new practice to focus on yourself when you have been there for others or distracted with work. Simply begin something.
Hope to hear how you are doing.
Take good care,
Natalie
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
When you are reaching out for someone to connect with you or crying for the missing of your children who are never home or moved away, do you think howling helps? Have you tried it?
Summer Solstice might open that voice in you. Warm nights and time outside.
Most parents feel so guilty crying or complaining. They attach shame to it or compare themselves with others whose lives are worse. Your life is yours and it matters. Feelings are feelings and not the all of you. You have an orchestra inside and different keys get hit without planning. Let it be what it is for now. Plan something just for you and ask someone to help you.
Who wouldn’t be howling when you are under a moon you don’t recognize. You have never been here before in this life transition, so go ahead and let yourself cry. Your life does get better in time. Each family is different in how they grieve based on their life experiences and relationship with their children.
Empty Nest is a milestone of what you loved for decades and now are forced to shift out of and learn a new role with your children. Parents have called me the day after the wedding, thinking they were fine and now feel finality. They call after they drop off the rental car from their child’s college town, shocked, after all the buildup, details, decisions, that now, they are flying home knowing their child’s room is too clean and empty.
Telling our stories is healing. Listening to each other is connecting. I hope you enjoy the warmth of summer and the pride in being a parent day in and day out and trust you will find new meaning.
Take care,
Natalie
Would you want to move in with your children and grandchildren? Would you want to live in the same town?
What we think might be different than when the reality of making that decision sits on our kitchen table.
No harm in looking in the cupboard for tasty and rotten nibbles.
You know with the long economic changes, all questions are on the board. Personally, that isn’t a question I am walking these months.
Do you like visiting your children or do you prefer them coming to you? Would you move in with them? Parents share with me the following nibbles:
1. I would live with my children if they would have me and I want the bottom floor. My knees ache.
2. I like to visit my kids and stay in a hotel. I need quiet and escape.
3. I like making new traditions so I stay in the same hotel when I go visit my kids. They come there for a sleep over.
4. I would live with my children if I couldn’t be on my own and I for sure would have to shut my ears and mouth.
5. I love the big family idea but I bet it gets like stinky fish after two weeks.
6. I will take the quest house and curtains. They will make breakfast and coffee and leave it at my door.
7. Parenting is my most favorite sport. So yes, bring on the games and I will buy the tickets. Yes- yes- yes, I would move in now.
8. I started a hope chest for my grandchildren… Once a mom always mommy. When they have little ones, I will be the nanny.
9. Can I date if I move in with them?
10. Come home and fill the house with your needs and creativity. I don’t like airports.
What are you reactions to the idea of moving in with your children? Do you like them to come home or go visit them?
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles, CA
818-763-0188
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org