As you know, one of my passions is my organic vegetable and flower garden.
Here is a surprise: I planted my sunflower seeds all at the same time. I have never grown them. Surprise is, the smallest, shortest plant opened her SUNNY FACE FIRST. I planted all my tomato plants from seed at the same time. The most hidden, bottom of the vine tomato is turning red first. I could barely see the tomato.
Expect the unexpected is what I learned from these plants. Caring for the plants, losing some, feeding others, and watching them grow is like birth and having little ones, which you can relate to if you are a gardener. I hate when the moths and caterpillars get the food before I do. My friend said it is like the news where someone else landed the account or got to go on a great vacation or date and you didn’t, or the parent whose child is sweet as can be and yours is acting out.
What can you do? Vent, weep, remember the good times you have had and the good you are, and keep going. It sounds so easy and for sure isn’t.
Sometimes you need to nourish yourself and take a break. No emails, telephone, laundry, or cooking. Just do it. Step out of your routine.
I hope you have good support that hears you and adds that they believe in you and want to know how they can help you through a bad day or challenging cycle. Disappointment after disappointment naturally shuts you down. There aren’t always answers of why things are going the way they are. You know yourself. You know when you are doing what you can and when you are resisting what might be a better choice. You get to still be loving to yourself no matter what life challenges, mistakes, or unknowns you are living. You know and you forget that criticizing yourself and self punishing doesn’t grow a healthy life.
Practice shifting your perception, weep, and complain, shut down, and step again. There will always be people you know who have more than you and those who have less. Our mind likes to compare and spin us into a wind storm. Step out of it and do something that makes you happy. A little happiness feeds your spirit and dusts the cob webs. You need to sleep, eat well, talk with someone, do something creative and ask for help.
Have a fun weekend and appreciate your life, Natalie
PS – A mother shared with me she just needed to stay in bed for a couple of days and flip the channels as she grieved. She was tired of talking about her woes, so for her, she curled in and didn’t even shower. She is lifted again in a small enough way that she trusts she can grieve and survive the pain. Do you remember suffering times that you thought would never end?
If I move from within , I am fine. If my mind rattles, I tumble.
Do you Empty Nesters and Boomers have that experience when you have to pull yourself up and begin again? What chatters in your head more than you like?
My secret to a quiet head is doing something simple that I love. I only have to step out the door while still in my night shirt, sipping black coffee. I look at the changes in my flower and vegetable garden. I shoot photos close and far, back, and front. I feel lifted and emptied of the rattle after that time in the garden with my camera.
I want a new digital camera so I need to have a big garage sale with neighbors. I need to have one just because it is summer on the lawn and I love open space in my garage and cupboards. Definitely not motivated right now to make that happen.
I keep a photo of ballet dancers on my wall in front of my work space. I have never been a ballerina, except when I was six. I look up and see that inner movement and grace. Visuals of beauty relax me. What relaxes you?
I remind myself of the bigger picture and not the fly buzzing in my room that won’t leave me alone.
I don’t jump ahead with the what if’s and the dreads of later that will come. I know that is a common suggestion. It works. You need to practice doing that, and you know it reduces tears and stress. PRESENT MOMENT. Look around right now and let your eye catch something. Mine just caught the black rim of my computer. I never saw that it was bottomed in silver. I stare, shoulders down, feet on the floor, lips closed, air through my nose. I am here. It isn’t exciting or life changing. It is a shift and sometimes we simply need to SHIFT just for a break from the fullness that is cramping.
Walking my neighborhood happens if I let go of work and remind myself that 20 minutes refreshes. I don’t schedule when to walk. I just know if I don’t walk in the early morning mixed with photo joy , then I need to walk in the evening. I am better if I walk early because my mind rattles and I tumble sometimes in the evening.
How do you begin when you don’t want to?
How do you follow through with your new role as a parent and not fall to the back? My two lines that reduce the disappointments are: The adult children lead now. Let my expectations go . Get nurtured by doing something fun. I often hear when I teach that it is challenging to figure out what would be fun. Pick something and try it. You can leave. It is a new practice to focus on yourself when you have been there for others or distracted with work. Simply begin something.
Hope to hear how you are doing.
Take good care,
Natalie
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
When you are reaching out for someone to connect with you or crying for the missing of your children who are never home or moved away, do you think howling helps? Have you tried it?
Summer Solstice might open that voice in you. Warm nights and time outside.
Most parents feel so guilty crying or complaining. They attach shame to it or compare themselves with others whose lives are worse. Your life is yours and it matters. Feelings are feelings and not the all of you. You have an orchestra inside and different keys get hit without planning. Let it be what it is for now. Plan something just for you and ask someone to help you.
Who wouldn’t be howling when you are under a moon you don’t recognize. You have never been here before in this life transition, so go ahead and let yourself cry. Your life does get better in time. Each family is different in how they grieve based on their life experiences and relationship with their children.
Empty Nest is a milestone of what you loved for decades and now are forced to shift out of and learn a new role with your children. Parents have called me the day after the wedding, thinking they were fine and now feel finality. They call after they drop off the rental car from their child’s college town, shocked, after all the buildup, details, decisions, that now, they are flying home knowing their child’s room is too clean and empty.
Telling our stories is healing. Listening to each other is connecting. I hope you enjoy the warmth of summer and the pride in being a parent day in and day out and trust you will find new meaning.
Take care,
Natalie
Would you want to move in with your children and grandchildren? Would you want to live in the same town?
What we think might be different than when the reality of making that decision sits on our kitchen table.
No harm in looking in the cupboard for tasty and rotten nibbles.
You know with the long economic changes, all questions are on the board. Personally, that isn’t a question I am walking these months.
Do you like visiting your children or do you prefer them coming to you? Would you move in with them? Parents share with me the following nibbles:
1. I would live with my children if they would have me and I want the bottom floor. My knees ache.
2. I like to visit my kids and stay in a hotel. I need quiet and escape.
3. I like making new traditions so I stay in the same hotel when I go visit my kids. They come there for a sleep over.
4. I would live with my children if I couldn’t be on my own and I for sure would have to shut my ears and mouth.
5. I love the big family idea but I bet it gets like stinky fish after two weeks.
6. I will take the quest house and curtains. They will make breakfast and coffee and leave it at my door.
7. Parenting is my most favorite sport. So yes, bring on the games and I will buy the tickets. Yes- yes- yes, I would move in now.
8. I started a hope chest for my grandchildren… Once a mom always mommy. When they have little ones, I will be the nanny.
9. Can I date if I move in with them?
10. Come home and fill the house with your needs and creativity. I don’t like airports.
What are you reactions to the idea of moving in with your children? Do you like them to come home or go visit them?
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles, CA
818-763-0188
Hi there,
I visit the message board. Where are the DAD’s? We need each other. My kids have changed me over the years and now that they will all be gone this summer, I feel sad, angry, and not sure who I am going to be in their lives. Who am I going to be in my life?
What am I going to do without the school connection which was a big part of our social life? Sure people say they will stay in touch, but that doesn’t usually happen. Great while we had it!
I just need to hear from other dad’s because we aren’t moms. I know that sounds obvious. I don’t think I have to not whine or cry. I do think I need to work less and not escape at the office, but change takes time.
I am open to this next stage of life, but what is it exactly? This has been two years of uncertainty in the world and now my home is tilted. I think I am worn down a bit.
Where are the dad empty nesters? Do you have communication issues with your children? Are you clinging more than you did and wish you could stop yourself? I read this and my answer is yes and yes. I want to feel normal and I don’t. I want to not stress my kids because I am not coping well but how do I be me and still be dad? I just need to learn and talk to empty nester dads.
I don’t expect my kids to get where I am. It is not their job. I know in time I will be fine. I just want something for now. I don’t remember my parents going through this when I went off to college and grad school. My relationships in the family are great and my work is still exciting, but I feel this ending and I don’t like it.
Thank goodness this site exists or I wouldn’t find any place to hear about empty nest.
Doug
These two sons forgot to call their dad on Father’s Day. Can you feel their stress in this photo? Parents ask me, “At what age will my children remember to call without my reminding them to call?” I bet you guess the answer…there is no documented age for children who remember to call home.
For parents whose parents have died, tears will fall on Father’s Day. Tears are a good thing. Tears show you know how to feel love.
One couple shared with me that they felt guilty that they were actually relieved that they didn’t have to drive an hour and celebrate Father’s Day at their dad’s house because they simply wanted to BBQ at home with their children and celebrate being a dad, not a son. You get to think and feel whatever you want to feel. Feelings are simply feelings, not a sentence to prison. There are so many voices inside us that you can remind yourself, “this voice needed some air time right now and I know there are other parts to me who feel compassion and generosity.”
Doing something together any time of the year to celebrate dad is a good thing. What do you do to celebrate dad? What do you do if you are alone on Father’s Day? Share your stories because remembering is healing and sharing is helping others.
Enjoy your weekend of memories and activities,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Marriage, parents want that for their children. They want to like the new family, the partner, the town, the freedom. Now that is the head chatting about the upcoming wedding day , but the EMPTY NESTERS also want to sob, and quickly get over the change that leaves their home silent and old.
They have seen all the movies about weddings and starting over. They heard the stories and even toasted some of those parents at their children’s weddings. But for Kathy, she wanted her little girl’s room to be full of noise and messes and finally the cuddle under the blankets and the song she sings: nite-nite now nite-nite now even the cow goes nite-nite now.
I told her, “tell me your stories of what you love about Kathy . Big Kathy and Little Kathy. Here is my best Kleenex and a soft pillow for your tummy.”
Kathy is a great story teller. She was surprised what came to mind. The cupcakes that fell over on the way to school for her 7th BD party. The yellow dress with a white belt she wore coming down the steps to go to the school dance. The hair wrapped in a towel as she did her spelling homework.
The combination of milk duds and popcorn her little girl had to have at the movies. Sleep away camp where she got on the bus with the kids and came back two weeks later telling her to switch to CHEER to get her clothes whiter.
Stories connect you to your feelings and the appreciation of life.
Share your stories. Get someone to listen and go for the memories no matter how old you are or how long they have been away from their bedroom.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles, CA
818-763-0188
“I am heading to college in August, miles away from Dad. I know he wants this “last” Father’s Day to be over the top. He wrote it on the refrigerator, bathroom mirror, and my sock drawer in peanut butter. DO SOMETHING FOR ME. What am I suppose to do, turn back the clock?”
As you can sense, this son is wise, cares, and just doesn’t know how to celebrate his dad. Son still is the child although older than before but his head is not thinking about sweet dad, it is thinking about saying goodbye to his high school girlfriend and best friends, and wondering if he made the right college choice. He told me he feels so grateful for his dad who has raised him alone but just doesn’t want to make a big deal about anything right now. BBQ and a card would due for him, especially if he could invite his girlfriend and buddies over after they spend time with their dad. What to do?
Here’s the idea he chose after exploring feelings and options: He surprised himself.
He went to a place they use to throw ball (the photo in the blog) and sat on the cool grass writing a letter to the man who has had his back and bottom for his entire life. Writing isn’t his strength but he let go of the perfectionist. He simply kept the words falling on the paper. He didn’t edit. He didn’t care about the grammar because that would have tripped up his heart. “DAD, I am an almost man. Same three letter word…man….Dad.
I am not the same as you and you never asked me to be. I am the one who you decided to carry, step back from, run to, and answer the phone when the moon was almost a sun. I don’t forget that ever. I won’t forget YOU ever. You carry me. I carry you in my head to be a good person not a hurter. You and I know I have hurt you and my friends. I know I am still carried by you.
Just stick around, Dad, so I can carry you with your shoulders finally down and my raised higher. Stick around Dad because now the big band will play for you. When you are empty at home know you have filled me. I will spill and make a mess but I know where the mop and bucket sit. Stick around Dad.
I never want you to fall away from my path. Catch this… I LOVE YOU, DAD and I WILL BE BACK.”
Happy Father’s Day to all the Dad’s who have carried their children.
Celebrate them,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles, CA
818-763-0188
Father’s Day for empty nester Mike is a tradition of calling his daughter and saying, “ARE YOU STILL MY LITTLE GIRL BECAUSE I AM STILL YOUR PROUD DAD?” He knows she will call from her kitchen and he still likes dialing her number from his.
What child wouldn’t want to get that phone call? What Dad doesn’t feel that way about his children?
Father’s Day is around the corner. My dad died years ago. I get tearful when I miss him. Missing is unpredictable so I simply let myself tear up, smile, and try to remember his voice saying my name. I never forget the feeling of dad.
A father shared with me this week that he too gets tearful remembering his dad and would just love to tell him how much he learned from he, like LET IT BE and KEEP TRYING, but mostly he wants his dad to know he is a happy dad now with two kids in college and one married.
You know what always brings a smile to me? When I am out and about and see dad’s with their children. I have seen that increase in the past three years as have the calls coming into my office from empty nester dads or those on the way to the big hug goodbye.
When I see the dad’s out and about with their children I make up stories like, he is giving his wife/partner a break or he just really wanted this time alone with them, or he is divorced or simply never had a partner.
Bottom line is, it gives me a big smile. My daughter who lives in another city also comments about seeing more dad’s out and about with their children and it too makes her happy. Shift in roles is a good sign.
What would you shout out to your dad? What would you want him to say to you?
My dad knew how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me. We said it. We hugged it. We smiled it. We hung out together even though I never got the glory of golf.
His granddaughter, my child, also felt loved and loved him back. They didn’t have to say why they loved each other, they just did. They just felt it.
Forever comforting to have shared that kind of love…..
Find your memories and kiss them.
Take care,
Natalie
Los Angeles, CA
818-763-0188
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
www.emptynestsupport.com
People stop and stare at this painted building in San Francisco. An empty nester mom said to me, “I was never allowed to paint on a building and I am an artist.” What do you wish you were allowed to do without an authority saying, “NO, you can’t do that.” Who do you project “authority” to rather than checking in with yourself about your values and needs?
A couple shared with me that their son just graduated and is heading to college. They let themselves celebrate this milestone with tears and champagne, surrounded by friends, family, and an abundance of his favorite pizzas and chocolate cakes and cupcakes.
I want to suggest that over the summer you make the time to reflect on what good you have done in raising your children. Do it more than once. I wrote myself a letter on what I loved about the way I parented. It was only for me to read. It ignited me into memories like the time the two of us camped near a beach thinking we would cook outside , pitch a tent, count stars and give them names, when in reality there were too many bees, we camped too far from the beach and couldn’t walk there, and our tent was pitched under rocks.
I reflected on the evening she went to a party, age 13, dressed up and scared to walk into a famous hotel by herself. I didn’t walk her in even though I wanted to help her out. Helping her was letting her legs shake and make it into the lobby by herself where friends were chatting with presents in hand.
I also remember the time I should have said no and didn’t. She forgot her books in her locker and I had to drive her back to school to get them. Do you think this is the first time I did that drive after work? Oh no, even though I said I wouldn’t do it again, I did.
The list is long of memories and I am happy to revisit them no matter how old I am or she is, so let yourself enjoy what you have done as parents and what you might do this summer. Mostly, I hope you enjoy the times together and stop yourself when your head runs like a train with worry or disappointment. You have been disappointed before and you are still standing. You can begin to make a dream list for what you will do with free time even if it doesn’t happen. Dreaming is vibrant and playful. Dreaming leads to new creativity and builds hope for your life beyond parenting.
Looking forward to hearing your stories,
Natalie
Email Natalie, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Call for a private telephone consultation Ask about support groups Invite her to speak in your community
Look for something to add beauty to your transition days. For me, it is flowers and photos. What is it for you that helps during changes besides for the softest Kleenex during a well needed deep cry, over and over or comfort food like Mac and Cheese?
I start my day in my small garden looking for a beauty to bring inside at eye’s view. Beauty reminds me of the bigger picture of life and the mystery. I honestly believe sorrowful days, losses, and the unknown won’t last forever and that is one of the ways I get through the pain and disappointment.
– I acknowledge the good I have passed on to others.
– I massage my feet and hands.
– I watch a silly movie on TV.
– Chat with a friend
I plan something easy to look forward to which is a FARMER’S MARKET. A friend asked me, “Why do you come to the market if you don’t buy anything?”
My response,” I like seeing the children with their canvas bags and tiny hands eating apricots, and parents wiping their cheeks, and people with their dogs sitting sipping coffee. I love the surprise, like the black beets and sweet limes. People are happy and chatty at the markets. They share a recipe and say “Oh that vendor has the best cherries. Go get some.”
I remind myself to not need any answers today. Stay open. Notice what I am interested in.
I let myself be tearful or angry.
I ask for help like the time I sent five postcards with the question, WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD BE WHEN I GROW UP with my return address and stamp on the card.
I tell myself, STOP IT. When my mind is running and I am tripping over the chatter that is repetitive like a hamster on a wheel, I just tell myself, STOP IT. Believe it or not, that works for me.
I review where I am in and out of balance. What needs my attention which could be health, doctor appointments, relatives, creativity, and spirituality.
I ask for help. I know I said this before and it needs repeating. Help.
We forget to spend money when we think we can solve the questions ourselves. Am I solving the questions? How long will I go without picking up the phone and making an appointment with someone who can advise me?
I remind myself how I make decisions by looking at decisions I made in the past.
Who am I now? Who am I not? Who do I need to become in this next chapter of life?
I turn to the arts for healing whether that is writing, photography, museum time, collages, pastel drawings.
WHAT DO YOU DO? WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU WOULD DO?
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA.
Call for a private telephone consultation. Ask how to have a support group in your area.
I am circling rather than stepping into my new free time. Like an airplane not permitted to land, I am hoping to not run out of fuel before I get down to my new life. I prepared for this time without kids but that prep was in my head. “I will be fine. Sure tears and some loneliness in not hearing or seeing them every day, but fine, really fine.”
I have a partner, career, home, some savings. I don’t have a clue of how to not miss my kids. I feel stuck because I don’t want them on my mind , I don’t not want to care about them and I don’t know if I should call or they should set a time to call. Should I mentor kids? Should I plan a trip for the holidays for all of us? Should I what?
I tried some therapy but no connection for me there. I need to find someone who has been in the empty nest. I just want time to not like this time of my life. I want to tantrum like those kids of mine got to do. I want some time back for the park, school fairs, sleep overs, soccer, shopping at the mall for the party dress, visiting colleges, funny words they would make up , loud music and cell phones being lost and mostly those cuddles in bed with a book and chopping salads in the kitchen. Oh and the questions they would ask in the car, in their room…just those wonderful innocent questions about success, sex, dating, parties, the moon.
Will I remember them as little people? Will I forget their high school teachers and school parent parties. I think I will and that bothers me. Will I be a grandparent before my aches and pains limit me? Will they be good people in the world? The world needs good , caring, responsible people. Oh, will I like their partner and in laws? Will they live in a foreign country and I won’t get to see them whenever I want to. Oh no. That can not happen to me the mom.
Who can tell me what I will be when I grow up now? I mean grow up into the non parenting days of my life? We had this structure every day and night and weekends of activities and people and now we have silence, empty dates on the refrigerator. We have five days with no telephone connections or emails . Five days. No calls, could be longer as they move more into their structured life. I don’t want to be one of those needy, naggy moms who just want to know how their children are doing. Sounds so old.
How do I be a mom now when they are more adult? I never thought of that question until now. Sure, I know how to talk and listen to my children but I don’t know for sure what to ask for, when to respond or step into their life rather than them stepping in for themselves. That sounds ridiculous. I just don’t know how to word it. I don’t know when to give money or not. I don’t know what to do if I don’t like their dates that they bring for a visit when they do come home. I don’t know what is ok for me to ask for from them. Oh I sound so little. I am right now. Where is my leader for parenting these children?
I need to bring out BRAVE ONE and just tell them I don’t know what I don’t know so help me out. Share the conversation with them and see where it goes, I guess. But I always felt like I had to know as the mother. I don’t know, now. I need to talk with other moms whose of adult children , well that is what they are called , but really, they aren’t adults. I am just suppose to say that and treat them that way.
College and the work world has taken them right where they wanted to go. I forgot to figure out where I am supposed to go now. I was just too happy and busy , most of the time, to think about that question. Anyhow, I would have been in my head only about that question. My heart beats too and today it is off rhythm.
Do you have any suggestions?
New mom as an empty nester. Where is our play group?
Thanks,
Empty Mom
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org