Hi there,
I visit the message board. Where are the DAD’s? We need each other. My kids have changed me over the years and now that they will all be gone this summer, I feel sad, angry, and not sure who I am going to be in their lives. Who am I going to be in my life?
What am I going to do without the school connection which was a big part of our social life? Sure people say they will stay in touch, but that doesn’t usually happen. Great while we had it!
I just need to hear from other dad’s because we aren’t moms. I know that sounds obvious. I don’t think I have to not whine or cry. I do think I need to work less and not escape at the office, but change takes time.
I am open to this next stage of life, but what is it exactly? This has been two years of uncertainty in the world and now my home is tilted. I think I am worn down a bit.
Where are the dad empty nesters? Do you have communication issues with your children? Are you clinging more than you did and wish you could stop yourself? I read this and my answer is yes and yes. I want to feel normal and I don’t. I want to not stress my kids because I am not coping well but how do I be me and still be dad? I just need to learn and talk to empty nester dads.
I don’t expect my kids to get where I am. It is not their job. I know in time I will be fine. I just want something for now. I don’t remember my parents going through this when I went off to college and grad school. My relationships in the family are great and my work is still exciting, but I feel this ending and I don’t like it.
Thank goodness this site exists or I wouldn’t find any place to hear about empty nest.
Doug
These two sons forgot to call their dad on Father’s Day. Can you feel their stress in this photo? Parents ask me, “At what age will my children remember to call without my reminding them to call?” I bet you guess the answer…there is no documented age for children who remember to call home.
For parents whose parents have died, tears will fall on Father’s Day. Tears are a good thing. Tears show you know how to feel love.
One couple shared with me that they felt guilty that they were actually relieved that they didn’t have to drive an hour and celebrate Father’s Day at their dad’s house because they simply wanted to BBQ at home with their children and celebrate being a dad, not a son. You get to think and feel whatever you want to feel. Feelings are simply feelings, not a sentence to prison. There are so many voices inside us that you can remind yourself, “this voice needed some air time right now and I know there are other parts to me who feel compassion and generosity.”
Doing something together any time of the year to celebrate dad is a good thing. What do you do to celebrate dad? What do you do if you are alone on Father’s Day? Share your stories because remembering is healing and sharing is helping others.
Enjoy your weekend of memories and activities,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Marriage, parents want that for their children. They want to like the new family, the partner, the town, the freedom. Now that is the head chatting about the upcoming wedding day , but the EMPTY NESTERS also want to sob, and quickly get over the change that leaves their home silent and old.
They have seen all the movies about weddings and starting over. They heard the stories and even toasted some of those parents at their children’s weddings. But for Kathy, she wanted her little girl’s room to be full of noise and messes and finally the cuddle under the blankets and the song she sings: nite-nite now nite-nite now even the cow goes nite-nite now.
I told her, “tell me your stories of what you love about Kathy . Big Kathy and Little Kathy. Here is my best Kleenex and a soft pillow for your tummy.”
Kathy is a great story teller. She was surprised what came to mind. The cupcakes that fell over on the way to school for her 7th BD party. The yellow dress with a white belt she wore coming down the steps to go to the school dance. The hair wrapped in a towel as she did her spelling homework.
The combination of milk duds and popcorn her little girl had to have at the movies. Sleep away camp where she got on the bus with the kids and came back two weeks later telling her to switch to CHEER to get her clothes whiter.
Stories connect you to your feelings and the appreciation of life.
Share your stories. Get someone to listen and go for the memories no matter how old you are or how long they have been away from their bedroom.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles, CA
818-763-0188
“I am heading to college in August, miles away from Dad. I know he wants this “last” Father’s Day to be over the top. He wrote it on the refrigerator, bathroom mirror, and my sock drawer in peanut butter. DO SOMETHING FOR ME. What am I suppose to do, turn back the clock?”
As you can sense, this son is wise, cares, and just doesn’t know how to celebrate his dad. Son still is the child although older than before but his head is not thinking about sweet dad, it is thinking about saying goodbye to his high school girlfriend and best friends, and wondering if he made the right college choice. He told me he feels so grateful for his dad who has raised him alone but just doesn’t want to make a big deal about anything right now. BBQ and a card would due for him, especially if he could invite his girlfriend and buddies over after they spend time with their dad. What to do?
Here’s the idea he chose after exploring feelings and options: He surprised himself.
He went to a place they use to throw ball (the photo in the blog) and sat on the cool grass writing a letter to the man who has had his back and bottom for his entire life. Writing isn’t his strength but he let go of the perfectionist. He simply kept the words falling on the paper. He didn’t edit. He didn’t care about the grammar because that would have tripped up his heart. “DAD, I am an almost man. Same three letter word…man….Dad.
I am not the same as you and you never asked me to be. I am the one who you decided to carry, step back from, run to, and answer the phone when the moon was almost a sun. I don’t forget that ever. I won’t forget YOU ever. You carry me. I carry you in my head to be a good person not a hurter. You and I know I have hurt you and my friends. I know I am still carried by you.
Just stick around, Dad, so I can carry you with your shoulders finally down and my raised higher. Stick around Dad because now the big band will play for you. When you are empty at home know you have filled me. I will spill and make a mess but I know where the mop and bucket sit. Stick around Dad.
I never want you to fall away from my path. Catch this… I LOVE YOU, DAD and I WILL BE BACK.”
Happy Father’s Day to all the Dad’s who have carried their children.
Celebrate them,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles, CA
818-763-0188
Father’s Day for empty nester Mike is a tradition of calling his daughter and saying, “ARE YOU STILL MY LITTLE GIRL BECAUSE I AM STILL YOUR PROUD DAD?” He knows she will call from her kitchen and he still likes dialing her number from his.
What child wouldn’t want to get that phone call? What Dad doesn’t feel that way about his children?
Father’s Day is around the corner. My dad died years ago. I get tearful when I miss him. Missing is unpredictable so I simply let myself tear up, smile, and try to remember his voice saying my name. I never forget the feeling of dad.
A father shared with me this week that he too gets tearful remembering his dad and would just love to tell him how much he learned from he, like LET IT BE and KEEP TRYING, but mostly he wants his dad to know he is a happy dad now with two kids in college and one married.
You know what always brings a smile to me? When I am out and about and see dad’s with their children. I have seen that increase in the past three years as have the calls coming into my office from empty nester dads or those on the way to the big hug goodbye.
When I see the dad’s out and about with their children I make up stories like, he is giving his wife/partner a break or he just really wanted this time alone with them, or he is divorced or simply never had a partner.
Bottom line is, it gives me a big smile. My daughter who lives in another city also comments about seeing more dad’s out and about with their children and it too makes her happy. Shift in roles is a good sign.
What would you shout out to your dad? What would you want him to say to you?
My dad knew how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me. We said it. We hugged it. We smiled it. We hung out together even though I never got the glory of golf.
His granddaughter, my child, also felt loved and loved him back. They didn’t have to say why they loved each other, they just did. They just felt it.
Forever comforting to have shared that kind of love…..
Find your memories and kiss them.
Take care,
Natalie
Los Angeles, CA
818-763-0188
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
www.emptynestsupport.com
People stop and stare at this painted building in San Francisco. An empty nester mom said to me, “I was never allowed to paint on a building and I am an artist.” What do you wish you were allowed to do without an authority saying, “NO, you can’t do that.” Who do you project “authority” to rather than checking in with yourself about your values and needs?
A couple shared with me that their son just graduated and is heading to college. They let themselves celebrate this milestone with tears and champagne, surrounded by friends, family, and an abundance of his favorite pizzas and chocolate cakes and cupcakes.
I want to suggest that over the summer you make the time to reflect on what good you have done in raising your children. Do it more than once. I wrote myself a letter on what I loved about the way I parented. It was only for me to read. It ignited me into memories like the time the two of us camped near a beach thinking we would cook outside , pitch a tent, count stars and give them names, when in reality there were too many bees, we camped too far from the beach and couldn’t walk there, and our tent was pitched under rocks.
I reflected on the evening she went to a party, age 13, dressed up and scared to walk into a famous hotel by herself. I didn’t walk her in even though I wanted to help her out. Helping her was letting her legs shake and make it into the lobby by herself where friends were chatting with presents in hand.
I also remember the time I should have said no and didn’t. She forgot her books in her locker and I had to drive her back to school to get them. Do you think this is the first time I did that drive after work? Oh no, even though I said I wouldn’t do it again, I did.
The list is long of memories and I am happy to revisit them no matter how old I am or she is, so let yourself enjoy what you have done as parents and what you might do this summer. Mostly, I hope you enjoy the times together and stop yourself when your head runs like a train with worry or disappointment. You have been disappointed before and you are still standing. You can begin to make a dream list for what you will do with free time even if it doesn’t happen. Dreaming is vibrant and playful. Dreaming leads to new creativity and builds hope for your life beyond parenting.
Looking forward to hearing your stories,
Natalie
Email Natalie, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Call for a private telephone consultation Ask about support groups Invite her to speak in your community
Look for something to add beauty to your transition days. For me, it is flowers and photos. What is it for you that helps during changes besides for the softest Kleenex during a well needed deep cry, over and over or comfort food like Mac and Cheese?
I start my day in my small garden looking for a beauty to bring inside at eye’s view. Beauty reminds me of the bigger picture of life and the mystery. I honestly believe sorrowful days, losses, and the unknown won’t last forever and that is one of the ways I get through the pain and disappointment.
– I acknowledge the good I have passed on to others.
– I massage my feet and hands.
– I watch a silly movie on TV.
– Chat with a friend
I plan something easy to look forward to which is a FARMER’S MARKET. A friend asked me, “Why do you come to the market if you don’t buy anything?”
My response,” I like seeing the children with their canvas bags and tiny hands eating apricots, and parents wiping their cheeks, and people with their dogs sitting sipping coffee. I love the surprise, like the black beets and sweet limes. People are happy and chatty at the markets. They share a recipe and say “Oh that vendor has the best cherries. Go get some.”
I remind myself to not need any answers today. Stay open. Notice what I am interested in.
I let myself be tearful or angry.
I ask for help like the time I sent five postcards with the question, WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD BE WHEN I GROW UP with my return address and stamp on the card.
I tell myself, STOP IT. When my mind is running and I am tripping over the chatter that is repetitive like a hamster on a wheel, I just tell myself, STOP IT. Believe it or not, that works for me.
I review where I am in and out of balance. What needs my attention which could be health, doctor appointments, relatives, creativity, and spirituality.
I ask for help. I know I said this before and it needs repeating. Help.
We forget to spend money when we think we can solve the questions ourselves. Am I solving the questions? How long will I go without picking up the phone and making an appointment with someone who can advise me?
I remind myself how I make decisions by looking at decisions I made in the past.
Who am I now? Who am I not? Who do I need to become in this next chapter of life?
I turn to the arts for healing whether that is writing, photography, museum time, collages, pastel drawings.
WHAT DO YOU DO? WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU WOULD DO?
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA.
Call for a private telephone consultation. Ask how to have a support group in your area.
I am circling rather than stepping into my new free time. Like an airplane not permitted to land, I am hoping to not run out of fuel before I get down to my new life. I prepared for this time without kids but that prep was in my head. “I will be fine. Sure tears and some loneliness in not hearing or seeing them every day, but fine, really fine.”
I have a partner, career, home, some savings. I don’t have a clue of how to not miss my kids. I feel stuck because I don’t want them on my mind , I don’t not want to care about them and I don’t know if I should call or they should set a time to call. Should I mentor kids? Should I plan a trip for the holidays for all of us? Should I what?
I tried some therapy but no connection for me there. I need to find someone who has been in the empty nest. I just want time to not like this time of my life. I want to tantrum like those kids of mine got to do. I want some time back for the park, school fairs, sleep overs, soccer, shopping at the mall for the party dress, visiting colleges, funny words they would make up , loud music and cell phones being lost and mostly those cuddles in bed with a book and chopping salads in the kitchen. Oh and the questions they would ask in the car, in their room…just those wonderful innocent questions about success, sex, dating, parties, the moon.
Will I remember them as little people? Will I forget their high school teachers and school parent parties. I think I will and that bothers me. Will I be a grandparent before my aches and pains limit me? Will they be good people in the world? The world needs good , caring, responsible people. Oh, will I like their partner and in laws? Will they live in a foreign country and I won’t get to see them whenever I want to. Oh no. That can not happen to me the mom.
Who can tell me what I will be when I grow up now? I mean grow up into the non parenting days of my life? We had this structure every day and night and weekends of activities and people and now we have silence, empty dates on the refrigerator. We have five days with no telephone connections or emails . Five days. No calls, could be longer as they move more into their structured life. I don’t want to be one of those needy, naggy moms who just want to know how their children are doing. Sounds so old.
How do I be a mom now when they are more adult? I never thought of that question until now. Sure, I know how to talk and listen to my children but I don’t know for sure what to ask for, when to respond or step into their life rather than them stepping in for themselves. That sounds ridiculous. I just don’t know how to word it. I don’t know when to give money or not. I don’t know what to do if I don’t like their dates that they bring for a visit when they do come home. I don’t know what is ok for me to ask for from them. Oh I sound so little. I am right now. Where is my leader for parenting these children?
I need to bring out BRAVE ONE and just tell them I don’t know what I don’t know so help me out. Share the conversation with them and see where it goes, I guess. But I always felt like I had to know as the mother. I don’t know, now. I need to talk with other moms whose of adult children , well that is what they are called , but really, they aren’t adults. I am just suppose to say that and treat them that way.
College and the work world has taken them right where they wanted to go. I forgot to figure out where I am supposed to go now. I was just too happy and busy , most of the time, to think about that question. Anyhow, I would have been in my head only about that question. My heart beats too and today it is off rhythm.
Do you have any suggestions?
New mom as an empty nester. Where is our play group?
Thanks,
Empty Mom
Empty bird house with a knob that could open what? Parents and Boomers shared with me that the overall do over in parenting would be to worry less and simply enjoy the relationship with their children and to not compare themselves with what other families are doing. They talked about intellectualizing parenting by over thinking every action they and their children were doing rather than laughing more and seeking help when needed.
Bottom line was they felt relief in hearing that other parents had similar experiences with parenting. They came to an accepting place that they did the best they could and they also made mistakes. It isn’t easy to carry both realizations connected by the word AND….we made mistakes and we did the best we could then.
AND is the HERO in what you could do over. You can list what worries you that you didn’t teach your children: didn’t teach them finances, to write thank you notes no matter what, to get up and let an elder sit there , to follow through, to apologize, to keep going after you lick your wounds, to be on time. You can write your mistakes of spoiling them and getting them what the other children had even if you couldn’t afford it or you let them off the hook because they were sad or had too much homework.
Ten minutes out of a week to write what chatters in your head and causes distraction is worth doing despite the part of you that says you don’t like to write or it won’t help. You can list the things and definitely not care about complete sentences or grammar.
When you know what bothers you about parenting it might help you get present with who you are today and who they are rather than dragging bricks in your suitcase of life. Who doesn’t make mistakes with raising children? Who doesn’t forget what being a parent means to them?
Regrets that you didn’t focus more on yourself or that you gained weight, or didn’t make time for creativity, relaxation or ask your partner what they needed, seems to be normal on the regret sheet.
Peek in that bird house. Turn the knob. Visit memories. Let yourself fly free.
If I can help, email natalie@emptynestsupport.com.
Call for a private telephone consultation, 818-763-0188 or invite me to come speak in your community.
I began Empty Nest Support Services so no one would have to go through this major life transition alone.
Change happens.
Take Care,
Natalie
College is over. High school is over. Faded memories for everyone. Summer weddings and new families joining.
Boot camp and service. Parents are asking me, now what? How do I have a good summer with my adult children and enjoy it when I know they will leave? Who am I?
Transitions will never end, so don’t you think it helps to practice enjoying the life you have now? When you jump ahead what value is given to you?
Does it help you build a plan? Does it ask you how you are doing with trusting yourself and your adult children? Are you good at asking for help?
Are the feelings of sadness appearing to be more than you can handle? All might be true and this is NORMAL. Find support.
If I could grant a wish it would be let yourself feel whatever you are feeling and whenever they surface. Get support for this major life transition. Why would you go through the journey alone? This is why I created Empty Nest Support Services.
I have had parents share with me:
– I feel embarrassed and shame about these deep feelings of lose. After all, I will see my children again, just not like it was.
– No one wants to talk about empty nest? They think I need to get busy and on with my life.
– I get stuck because my friend’s kids are doing great and mine might not stay in college. I feel like I failed.
– I spoiled my kids and now I am stuck with them at home.
– I want to study abroad and I am jealous of their life.
– I feel like I lost so much that I had. My children. My home. My marriage.
– Who am I?
– How do I make new friends at this stage of my life?
– I have no idea what I want to do with my free time?
– I am bored and feel no purpose but running errands and helping them solve problems when they call home.
– I don’t know how to do my life when they come back home.
– I get resentful that they change the plans so often.
– I don’t like their boyfriend/girlfriend, do I have to?
– I feel isolated.
– I just don’t have the zest I had now that I am not a parent everyday.
– I am afraid they aren’t street wise?
– I am single and just don’t think I will ever meet anyone?
– I made mistakes and can’t get over it.
– I don’t like my kids right now.
I am sure you can add to this list. Empty Nest is a major life transition with a minimum of a road map.
Let yourself off the hook to gather answers NOW. Ask yourself questions:
– How well am I treating myself?
– Who do I trust?
– Do I like being outside, in a group, small gathering, going to a class, leadership role, observer, seeing movies, sports, the arts, etc.
– Do I want time to not commit to anything and feel good about that?
– What am I feeling right now? What do I need today?
There are many questions to jump start and be on an exploration. You are on a hunt.
This stage is not about filling up your time in order to feel better and yet for some that is fine because it works for them.
It is a grieving time for what will never be again and that you don’t have forever anymore.
Loss magnifies other losses…friends who died, break ups, parents who died, loss of money, career.
Health issues emerge.
Caring for parents or special needs children gets louder.
You get depleted.
And it is also a new freedom and joy you just can’t imagine yet. I and many others love this time of life. We have had years of practice. Use us for support. You know yourself better than anyone else. You know your family. You don’t need to go day to day without someone to speak with or feel a connection that is real.
I can’t tell you how many parents thought they would be just fine until the house got silent.
Some are amazed how the shift/role change has affected their life. Their head and heart haven’t become best buds yet. Too much chatter and spinning.
Too much worry and regrets. Too much of NO answers, yet. Too much missing the life they had. Too much sitting alone.
ALL NORMAL. Painful and not forever.
You just hit a pot hole over and over when you want a guarantee. I for sure have hit that bump many times. Trust and enjoying the ride is a practice. We all fall down no matter how old we are, don’t you think?
Let me know how I can help you. Be gentle with yourself. You have never been here before and it is an unraveling feeling at times. You miss people you love.
What isn’t normal about that?
Email me, Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Talk about your memories. Enjoy them. They are part of your life for always.
Take good care,
Natalie
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Isn’t this signup sheet fun? I saw it at the UCLA BOOK FAIR. My friend said she wanted to post it on her front door as an idea for summer fun.
So how about sharing with others, ideas of what to read this summer?
I am reading: THE SECRET LIFE OF EMILY DICKINSON by Jerome Charyn FIRE IN THE BLOOD by Irene Nemirovsky and the cookbook, MEXICAN EVERYDAY, by Rick Bayless
I don’t know what I will read next?
So what’s on your list? I love the Sunday Los Angeles Times and NY Times.
My treat is to buy newspapers in airports when I travel. What are your treats?
Have fun and share what you are reading here.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Are your children back home or not coming home except for a short visit?
Are your children planning marriage, boot camp, or internships? Season changes into summer. I always long for a vacation. Memories of family trips and splashes in the back yard pool, followed by wet feet on the house floor and burning the BBQ chicken because I answered the phone, visit me when school is out. I can get triggered when I hear my neighbors two young ones bouncing balls and jumping in their pool.
Maybe this summer you can plan a way to sit with someone you enjoy. It could be you sitting with you. My friend is going to begin water coloring rather than large canvas paintings. She will sit with herself and her paints.
Making time to focus on yourself is a good thing whether kids, grandchildren, or family members come to visit. It is different to not fully fall into the mother or father roll and still hold that precious safety and role modeling for children.
If you are going to visit them, would you make plans to see an art exhibit if they couldn’t join you or take yourself out for a walk to a caf
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org