Empty bird house with a knob that could open what? Parents and Boomers shared with me that the overall do over in parenting would be to worry less and simply enjoy the relationship with their children and to not compare themselves with what other families are doing. They talked about intellectualizing parenting by over thinking every action they and their children were doing rather than laughing more and seeking help when needed.
Bottom line was they felt relief in hearing that other parents had similar experiences with parenting. They came to an accepting place that they did the best they could and they also made mistakes. It isn’t easy to carry both realizations connected by the word AND….we made mistakes and we did the best we could then.
AND is the HERO in what you could do over. You can list what worries you that you didn’t teach your children: didn’t teach them finances, to write thank you notes no matter what, to get up and let an elder sit there , to follow through, to apologize, to keep going after you lick your wounds, to be on time. You can write your mistakes of spoiling them and getting them what the other children had even if you couldn’t afford it or you let them off the hook because they were sad or had too much homework.
Ten minutes out of a week to write what chatters in your head and causes distraction is worth doing despite the part of you that says you don’t like to write or it won’t help. You can list the things and definitely not care about complete sentences or grammar.
When you know what bothers you about parenting it might help you get present with who you are today and who they are rather than dragging bricks in your suitcase of life. Who doesn’t make mistakes with raising children? Who doesn’t forget what being a parent means to them?
Regrets that you didn’t focus more on yourself or that you gained weight, or didn’t make time for creativity, relaxation or ask your partner what they needed, seems to be normal on the regret sheet.
Peek in that bird house. Turn the knob. Visit memories. Let yourself fly free.
If I can help, email natalie@emptynestsupport.com.
Call for a private telephone consultation, 818-763-0188 or invite me to come speak in your community.
I began Empty Nest Support Services so no one would have to go through this major life transition alone.
Change happens.
Take Care,
Natalie
College is over. High school is over. Faded memories for everyone. Summer weddings and new families joining.
Boot camp and service. Parents are asking me, now what? How do I have a good summer with my adult children and enjoy it when I know they will leave? Who am I?
Transitions will never end, so don’t you think it helps to practice enjoying the life you have now? When you jump ahead what value is given to you?
Does it help you build a plan? Does it ask you how you are doing with trusting yourself and your adult children? Are you good at asking for help?
Are the feelings of sadness appearing to be more than you can handle? All might be true and this is NORMAL. Find support.
If I could grant a wish it would be let yourself feel whatever you are feeling and whenever they surface. Get support for this major life transition. Why would you go through the journey alone? This is why I created Empty Nest Support Services.
I have had parents share with me:
– I feel embarrassed and shame about these deep feelings of lose. After all, I will see my children again, just not like it was.
– No one wants to talk about empty nest? They think I need to get busy and on with my life.
– I get stuck because my friend’s kids are doing great and mine might not stay in college. I feel like I failed.
– I spoiled my kids and now I am stuck with them at home.
– I want to study abroad and I am jealous of their life.
– I feel like I lost so much that I had. My children. My home. My marriage.
– Who am I?
– How do I make new friends at this stage of my life?
– I have no idea what I want to do with my free time?
– I am bored and feel no purpose but running errands and helping them solve problems when they call home.
– I don’t know how to do my life when they come back home.
– I get resentful that they change the plans so often.
– I don’t like their boyfriend/girlfriend, do I have to?
– I feel isolated.
– I just don’t have the zest I had now that I am not a parent everyday.
– I am afraid they aren’t street wise?
– I am single and just don’t think I will ever meet anyone?
– I made mistakes and can’t get over it.
– I don’t like my kids right now.
I am sure you can add to this list. Empty Nest is a major life transition with a minimum of a road map.
Let yourself off the hook to gather answers NOW. Ask yourself questions:
– How well am I treating myself?
– Who do I trust?
– Do I like being outside, in a group, small gathering, going to a class, leadership role, observer, seeing movies, sports, the arts, etc.
– Do I want time to not commit to anything and feel good about that?
– What am I feeling right now? What do I need today?
There are many questions to jump start and be on an exploration. You are on a hunt.
This stage is not about filling up your time in order to feel better and yet for some that is fine because it works for them.
It is a grieving time for what will never be again and that you don’t have forever anymore.
Loss magnifies other losses…friends who died, break ups, parents who died, loss of money, career.
Health issues emerge.
Caring for parents or special needs children gets louder.
You get depleted.
And it is also a new freedom and joy you just can’t imagine yet. I and many others love this time of life. We have had years of practice. Use us for support. You know yourself better than anyone else. You know your family. You don’t need to go day to day without someone to speak with or feel a connection that is real.
I can’t tell you how many parents thought they would be just fine until the house got silent.
Some are amazed how the shift/role change has affected their life. Their head and heart haven’t become best buds yet. Too much chatter and spinning.
Too much worry and regrets. Too much of NO answers, yet. Too much missing the life they had. Too much sitting alone.
ALL NORMAL. Painful and not forever.
You just hit a pot hole over and over when you want a guarantee. I for sure have hit that bump many times. Trust and enjoying the ride is a practice. We all fall down no matter how old we are, don’t you think?
Let me know how I can help you. Be gentle with yourself. You have never been here before and it is an unraveling feeling at times. You miss people you love.
What isn’t normal about that?
Email me, Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Talk about your memories. Enjoy them. They are part of your life for always.
Take good care,
Natalie
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Isn’t this signup sheet fun? I saw it at the UCLA BOOK FAIR. My friend said she wanted to post it on her front door as an idea for summer fun.
So how about sharing with others, ideas of what to read this summer?
I am reading: THE SECRET LIFE OF EMILY DICKINSON by Jerome Charyn FIRE IN THE BLOOD by Irene Nemirovsky and the cookbook, MEXICAN EVERYDAY, by Rick Bayless
I don’t know what I will read next?
So what’s on your list? I love the Sunday Los Angeles Times and NY Times.
My treat is to buy newspapers in airports when I travel. What are your treats?
Have fun and share what you are reading here.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Are your children back home or not coming home except for a short visit?
Are your children planning marriage, boot camp, or internships? Season changes into summer. I always long for a vacation. Memories of family trips and splashes in the back yard pool, followed by wet feet on the house floor and burning the BBQ chicken because I answered the phone, visit me when school is out. I can get triggered when I hear my neighbors two young ones bouncing balls and jumping in their pool.
Maybe this summer you can plan a way to sit with someone you enjoy. It could be you sitting with you. My friend is going to begin water coloring rather than large canvas paintings. She will sit with herself and her paints.
Making time to focus on yourself is a good thing whether kids, grandchildren, or family members come to visit. It is different to not fully fall into the mother or father roll and still hold that precious safety and role modeling for children.
If you are going to visit them, would you make plans to see an art exhibit if they couldn’t join you or take yourself out for a walk to a caf
Are your children back home or not coming home except for a short visit?
Are your children planning marriage, boot camp, or internships? Season changes into summer. I always long for a vacation. Memories of family trips and splashes in the back yard pool, followed by wet feet on the house floor and burning the BBQ chicken because I answered the phone, visit me when school is out. I can get triggered when I hear my neighbors two young ones bouncing balls and jumping in their pool.
Maybe this summer you can plan a way to sit with someone you enjoy. It could be you sitting with you. My friend is going to begin water coloring rather than large canvas paintings. She will sit with herself and her paints.
Making time to focus on yourself is a good thing whether kids, grandchildren, or family members come to visit. It is different to not fully fall into the mother or father roll and still hold that precious safety and role modeling for children.
If you are going to visit them, would you make plans to see an art exhibit if they couldn’t join you or take yourself out for a walk to a caf
I saw this statue and felt its protection. I wondered who is a constant in the lives of Boomers and Empty Nesters? Children leave, friends move away, parents die, couples divorce, finances and health change, and still there is someone who stands up for you, isn’t there?
I think you only need one person that no matter what, you can call and share your happiness and your disappointments. There are some people who have groups of friends and others who can count them on one hand. No right way to live your life, as you know. Community shifts when school days end and you choose not to gather at a religious location.
Where do you find connection? How do you connect with yourself? My signal that I need to slow down and get quiet is when I am irritable. It often means that I also need help. Help could be emotional or the to do list or new insights with work and family. I need to slow down to even know what I need. Beauty, and getting outside help me shift. What helps you stand tall again after feelings surface? I actually like to meditate.
Not for an hour but for twenty minutes or so. I practice not answering emails or picking up the phone when I know I need to answer within myself.
You can stand up for yourself which can mean resting, being non productive, having fun and not pushing the work, saying NO. I bet you could add to the list of how you stand up for yourself.
Transitions are explorations and frustrations. I am often asked, “Why is it so hard to figure out what is next for me?”
You haven’t been here before and who you were in the past is a part but not the whole of who you are. Shift your perception of having to grab answers now and drop into the mystery. Our world is in an unknown, as well. Ask, what did I use to love to do? Who did I like spending time with over the years? What place brings back great memories? Simply begin to know you again.
1. What is peaking through like in this photo? What do you have a glimpse of interest in today?
2. What is needed for you to explore your new life? Support, resources, a push out the door?
3. Who can meet you for coffee and simply focus on you and this question of what is next for you?
4. What do you remember that leaped you out of bed. Late last night when I was curled under the covers, I saw the full moon beaming through my windows . I grabbed my camera, no shoes, and had to see what I could see and photo.
The photos weren’t great but the leap was fun.
5. Play. We forget to play and it ignites us
6. Plan something that nurtures you. Really do it and not just chat about it. I want to go for a massage but I talk myself out of it because it takes time and might not be a great experience, let alone spending the money.
7. If nothing comes to mind and heart, decide to value the life you have right now. Your life is meaningful.
Have a fun weekend three day weekend.
Send me your questions. Let me know what keeps you up at night.
818-763-0188
Los Angeles
Did you think you would feel this way?
A mother called me sobbing, “she will never sleep in her room again and I thought I was prepared for her leaving but I’m a wreck.” She went on to share how beautiful her daughter looked and that she loved picking out the dress and location for the wedding with her. She continued to share that it is all over and I am here. She is there.
Transitions aren’t easy. Hugs goodbye are tearful. Why wouldn’t they be when you love the person who had to grow up and move away, even though you are proud and raised them to be independent and loving.
Building towards a major life event is a roller coaster of joy and sadness filled with unending details. Distractions and celebrations fill your days until you come home and the silence sits in your home. The wedding is over and your little one no longer lives at home or brings friends over for dinner.
Go ahead and cry. Really. Cry whenever and wherever the feelings erupt. I know you feel embarrassed and ridiculous since it was a happy occasion. Love is love. Loss is loss. Now the mystery begins. Who are you now? What do you need? What will your relationship with your new family bring into your life? Are these questions that have kept you up at night? You aren’t alone. Change is inevitable. You just don’t need to isolate or go the road alone.
Rest and enjoy the memories of wedding plans and the beauty of the celebration weekend. There is no rush for you to stand tall now. You have never been here before so gentleness and compassion are your two best buds.
The challenge is she /he is married and now they lead. You respond. We will talk more about that later. I think I just want to touch on part of the tears. You just aren’t sure what your role is nor do you feel solid about holiday traditions, vacations together, asking for what you want and other life style occasions that didn’t require negotiating and expanding.
Take care and enjoy all the memories that flood in.
Natalie
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Do you worry your children’s future will be less happy than parts of your life? What trees do your children need to climb in order to gather inner resources of independence and kindness?
As parents, we want our children to give back, be responsible and find a path that is fulfilling, as well as, pays their bills. I believe they will climb and fall, live a future full of choices that include tears and joys.
The challenge is parents, ALLOWING YOUR ADULT CHILDREN TO LEAD. Even if you don’t think they are, “adults” they are no longer your best friends or little ones.
It is difficult trusting and holding boundaries. Don’t you wish someone had spoken that option for you as you were growing up? Trust and boundaries…..
Being a role model , focusing back on what you want for your future life, as well as, everyday life, generates the strength to ask less questions , listen more, and empower them to keep moving forward.
A mother shared with me that her mistakes were, she was over protective in order to be loved back by her children and not have to feel their pain, and she talked more than really stopping and listening. She has lightened up on herself because she knows now that she will make mistakes and not die from them.
Her history was one of abandonment emotionally from her parents and care taking her siblings. She wore the super mom hat and became exhausted, resentful, and lonely.
No matter how many books on parenting we read or conversations we have with parents about our challenges, we will still feel confused and make mistakes. Life is about learning, staying curious, and caring.
Knowing ourselves feeds compassion for our children who might not know what they want to be when they grow up, might not help out as much as we hope they will, and might not check in with us like we ask them to. LET IT GO. I know that sounds easier than doing and I know practice helps. Slow down on having conversations full of asking questions about their life. You want to show you trust them. Paradox is there are times you need to be in their face. Pause before you decide which is active right now.
Self – esteem grows from trying something uncomfortable. It is not about the win. It is about courage and perseverance, don’t you think?
What do you imagine for your children’s future? What worries you and gives you happiness?
I have learned to turn off the TV of negative news and violence and turn on beauty and music.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Change is around the corner. The excitement of planning and celebrating, laughs and tears, leads to great memories and endings. Fears of no dream jobs or any job, living at home, needing another car, privacy, independence, routines shifting, finances draining, you want solutions and sometimes it is a trial and error before peace arrives. Peace doesn’t stick all day or night. That is unrealistic. Who said you need to abandon all feelings except for happiness?
High school grads closer to leaving and parents wanting a summer connection of meaning before the last…..fill in the blank, enters your days. You are caught in wanting to be a good role model and wanting to cling to the last summer of everyday parenting. I am sure you can add to the list of things on your mind and feelings in your heart.
Milestones affect the entire family and each reacts in their own way.
Nothing is real until you cross the threshold.
Anticipation, expectations, and needs may magnify past losses. What keeps you awake at night? How do you cope with the unknown? How do you treat yourself when you are hurting?
I don’t think we spend enough time accepting feelings are simply feelings and you get to have them, anytime and in any place.
They pass. They remind you that you care and are connected with yourself.
Feelings awaken parts of us that may have had to go dormant in order to take care of the life that is in front of us.
Who wouldn’t cry when changes sit at your empty kitchen table? Who wouldn’t feel exhausted and vulnerable carrying both feelings of pride and loss simultaneously?
Spinning thoughts over and over in your head can become a habit you wish you could break and at other times you need to spin them to sort, to hear yourself, and then become sick of that chatter which shifts your actions.
Grieving, feeling sorry for yourself is normal and that is part of the spinning.
You might want to remind yourself:
1. You can make a mistake and not melt/disappear, like the Wicked Witch of the North.
2. You have never been here before so pioneering is exhausting.
3. YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SOLUTIONS RIGHT NOW. Be on and in your journey.
4. Ask for help when you need it. Really do it. Send an email. Pick up the phone. Vulnerability is beautiful.
5. Plan one thing a week that nurtures you and get it on your calendar.
6. You are the adult. You get to change your mind. You won’t be trapped with not liking what you choose. Walk away.
7. Be extra kind to yourself. Lower your unrealistic expectations of yourself and others.
The photo is a collage. Don’t you think your life is made up of many pictures?
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
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A sweet mother called and said, “Tell me what is going on with me and how to fix it?” She isn’t the only mother in tears or father weeping wondering, how did we get here? How is it we are empty nesters and sad? We always knew they would leave home but we did not expect to have sadness so deep.
I, too, went through Empty Nest and now my daughter is a college graduate, living in another city rather than home town. There are still times I miss the way our relationship was which actually is a reminder to me that there will be moments of missing the mommy call from the other room, the school parties and parent socials, the sports and theater, the school friends studying over here and staying for dinner, the looking for the special dress and so much more. We miss what we love. Being a mom is like no other hat I wear and you mom, or dad, know it is a bond and commitment you love and hate at times. What I hope you remember is, IT IS NORMAL TO MISS WHO YOU LOVE. IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL VULNERABLE AND SAD. We just never heard people talk about this sadness or how they coped or what changed for them in positive ways. Vulnerability about family feelings seem to be private and they don’t have to stay behind the curb.
I wish I could tell you three ways to fix the sudden tears, inertia, checking over and over for an email, text, or phone message, worry, wondering , What’s Next for you. There isn’t a road map or rule book. There is support so you don’t have to go through the journey alone. There is a joy and freedom on the other side of grief.
Empty nest is unique because there is no family like yours.
It helps to:
Congratulations to all of you!
Tips of the Day. “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer.
1. Carry extra Kleenex. I passed out cotton handkerchiefs to my immediate family while we were waiting for the ceremony to begin.
2. Bring throw away cameras and give them to others so you can simply enjoy the moment and not be in charge of capturing it with photos and video.
3. Snacks for sure
4. Give short specific stories while toasting the graduate. Share memories and future hopes for them. Even if you are shy, gear up and do it. They will remember and appreciate you. You will too.
5. You could gift everyone at the celebration meal with a photo, or CD of one or two songs that has upbeat words about the day. I gave HEAVENLY DAY by Patty Griffin. I knew the graduate loved that song.
6. Make it happen…a group photo. Put someone in charge of that detail.
7. Dance. Sing. Even if you never do that, do it for yourself and the graduate. You don’t get this day back. Go for the fun.
8. If you can’t stop crying which might surprise you, start counting everyone around you who is holding a camera. It shifts you. Tears are good. Tears all day, not so good.
9. Embrace everyone. Your ex-partner and their family are all part of who the graduate is today, even if you never witnessed that.
10. You’ll be talking about this day forever. We still laugh about the rain, the songs being off pitch, the great stories people shared and of course, that moment of your child walking across the stage in the cap and gown and you standing and cheering.
“Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart, was taking away its dream—whatever that dream might be.” Pearl S. Buck writer
Have fun celebrating,
Natalie
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support.
www.emptynestsupport.com
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 Los Angeles
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org