It was so exciting speaking with parents and grandparents who were helping each other with remembering and celebrating prom with their families. I had this photo of eggs and asked, “What hatched that surprised you?” They were expecting party photos which we also had but this one caught them off guard.
Surprises are fun. The unexpected came forward with Kleenex and giggles:
“I’ve tried volunteering, book groups, swimming, and of course my work, but nothing is relieving me from missing being their daily parent.” This is one of the statements parents share with me while traveling this challenging transition.
Our mind has the shoulds and coulds chattering away. The heart weeps and feels comfort from others. You aren’t screwing it up. You are on a personal journey of grieving the role you loved living, and getting to know yourself without the top label of parent. Who are you beyond being mom..dad?
Empty nest is a road of feeling what you are feeling, reviewing relationships that feed you and ones that deplete you, discovering creativity and joy that had to go on the back burner until you had some free time, assessing what needs attention and learning to shift your role with your children. Time matters. Fantasy that you should be over this sorrow already is just that…fantasy.
You lived the role for eighteen years so why wouldn’t it take time to get to know your new self and to weep for what you won’t get back or have in the same way?
Good news is there is a joy and freedom you can’t imagine on the other side of this major role in your life. Parents share how they love not being interrupted, trying something just for themselves, taking tiny risks to meet new people, leap to a vacation, learn a language or the arts. It is not about comparing yourself to what others are doing. It is about GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF. You have never been on this road.
A mother this weekend told me it took her two years to get happy since her daughter left for college. Soon she will be home for summer break and she isn’t sure how that will go for her. She’s not wanting to go back to the role she played as mom. She will always be mom and at the same time, she wants her freedom.
I wish I could tell you three things to do to get happy in the empty nest, but that would be misleading. This is your journey. The paradox is there are thousands of parents wondering what’s next, how do I cope, who can help me, how do I have an adult relationship with my kids, where is my community, do I want to stay in this relationship?
Spend time in gentleness with yourself and choose three things a day that lifts you. Tears will fall. Normal for sure. Reach for help. Each day is different…not a straight line journey.
The surprise is once you find new parts of yourself, that propels other connections and interests. You drop some and peek into another. The kids come back and you have to shift roles again and hopefully your muscles are stronger in knowing who you are and aren’t at this stage of life?
Complex transition. I think of myself as an orchestra. Within me are different sounds that need to be heard. Give them a stage. You will be surprised when you listen to yourself without the critic and comparisons of what should be.
It isn’t easy. It takes research, trial and error, and sometimes a push to get to know yourself. All worth it and not a guarantee that now you will be peaceful and happy. No one has the history you have or the family you raised. Each of has the longing to be part of like minded people, feel vibrant, be loved and give love.
A mom told me, “I feel like I have been retired from my role as mom and I DON’T WANT TO RETIRE.”
A dad shared he stopped starting his day with the news and began with stepping outside to simply be in THE BIGGER PICTURE OF LIFE. After coffee, he showered and headed to work.
Little experiences are sweet. They, too, build memories.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Empty Nesters and their chicks are sitting on a fence. No one really knows what will happen in regards to the job market or how long they will fluff their nest, again.
It is not looking good for some grads and for others; they are living their dream launch of the paycheck. They might have four roomies, but they aren’t coming home.
Key, as you know, is to communicate feelings and thoughts:
1. You must be so disappointed that you worked so hard and can’t make enough money to have your own place.
2. Dad and I are thinking the way to share the space and responsibilities are to…… and then ask, HOW DOES THAT SOUND and WHAT IDEAS DO YOU HAVE?
3. They may not have concrete ideas because it is not real to them and they aren’t thinking about the things you, the parents are thinking about: responsibility, dirty towels and dishes, mom the maid, bills, friends over, girlfriends and boyfriends, late nights, sharing a car, noise and looking for work.
4. Coming back home is a journey of negotiating and not falling back into ROLES you no longer want to live. They haven’t had authority around and you worked hard to let go and move forward with your life. You can all talk about that, BRIEFLY. Brief talks mean while you are cooking or running errands. Casual conversation, not the rage that pins someone against the wall, WE HAVE TO HAVE A TALK.
5. Anger will rise. It is normal. Sorry and meaning it is healing.
Some families can set up work spaces for their children outside since it is better weather. Screens to separate rooms, helps. Thrift stores for filling in a table, lamp, etc.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. There are two sides to every joy and challenge. What are yours in this situation? Good news is….. Challenging part is…..? Chat with yourself before others.
My daughter and I email each other pictures that we have taken. These are for EARTH DAY. I love it when she asks if she can print and keep some of mine. I am self taught and again, inspired by her joy of photography. Until I had an empty nest, I didn’t make time to grab a camera and shoot. I didn’t even buy a digital until last year. Fear of technology. Thank goodness I got over that fear.
Mother’s Day is around the corner but she lives further away than that. I am not sure how I want to celebrate that day. Are you thinking about what to share with your children if they are home or away?
Make a list of what you have enjoyed doing with your children over the years.
1. Talks on their bed and in the car
2. Cooking
3. Hiking
4. Shopping
5. Gardening
6. Movies
7. Parties at home
8. Travel
9. The gym
10. Television
11. Apples to Apples Game
12. Hotels
13. Restaurants
14. Sports
15. Theater
16. Painting clay pots
17. Swimming
18. Concerts
19. Decorating
20. Shooting hoops
21. Singing, piano, guitar
22. Reading
Quick lists bring a smile, a tear, and ideas of what interests you today.
Sharing emotionally is another story. Parents hold the listening cup more than the pouring of their feelings. What are you open to sharing about your feelings ? When it comes to boundaries, needs, and respect, that seems to be easier than sharing parent personal challenges like insecurity, fears, mistakes.
What did your parents share with you?
Take care,
Natalie
Earth Day is a celebration of our environment. For me, a big shift came when my daughter would bring home her excitement from school, about how we can make a difference for today and our future. I had to be a good role model, right?
She doesn’t live at home since she is a college graduate. Her teaching me has had a positive effect.
Recently, a strong impact and inspiration, is my looking at what I am photographing from Mother Earth.
The photos in this blog are kale, the ocean, visiting a picking farm, rocks, trees.
The way you live your life can be triggered by looking at photos or taking them. Photos are powerful. They induct your values and responsibility.
You can look at a magazine or book or photos and notice which ones resonate with you. Why do you think that picture has an impact?
I appreciate the gifts of nature since I have been photographing. Parents talk about what kind of environmental future their children and grandchildren will have, so that inspires them to make shifts in their daily life
I have been speaking with parents for years and I too travel the transition of an empty nest. My daughter is a happy college graduate.
“What can help me?” That is a question often asked and for good reason.
“Is this normal?”
Each life is unique and a container. Containing memories, actions, hopes, losses, surprises of joy, and unknowns.
I think of parenting like a vase. This photo shows a trunk vase with flowers from my yard. We choose different vases, change the flowers, enjoy them blooming, and see them die.
Sure, I know parenting isn’t that simple. It is complex. We can make changes and still endings will happen. There are times we can’t eliminate pain.
We will have to let go of those beautiful “flowers,” and those times of
great happiness. I believe more happiness will come. We just don’t know how or when. That is part of transition. You know you can’t stop it and you don’t want to be in it.
Learning to live with opposites and paradoxes is challenging. There are great books about What to expect when you are expecting and the books of now what and how to have a healthy relationship with adult children aren’t as abundant. You are a pioneer of this new relationship with yourself and your adult children.
What helps is saying where you are right now. Donna thought she was prepared for her daughter to study abroad in January. She was exhausted and excited with the details of paper work and packing and sending her daughter off at the airport with a hug and another hug, followed with waves and blowing kisses. Can’t you just see her in the airport?
No one wants to say goodbye to someone they love. Talk about it. Write it like a letter to yourself, “Dear Donna, I know today was filled with sobbing and pride. Now that your sweetie is far away, you feel the loss, the emptiness at home.”
Whatever falls onto the paper is helpful to express.
You might just write a list of words and thoughts and not a letter to yourself. Doodle and see what expresses next.
You have educated your children and been supportive of their stages of development.
What helps is for you to be supportive of your stage of life….empty nest… YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.
1. There are no rules.
2. There is no carved path for you.
3. This is a time of life to be gentle with yourself. Reflect on your life.
4. Get support. Try something and see what it brings you. Change your mind.
5. Adjust your expectations of when your children “should” call, “should remember to say thanks.” Most parents say, “I just wish he would call more and not just for money.”
Think back to what you loved doing after school when you were younger.
Nature, art, daydreaming, riding your bike, decorating for a party, What have people said you are good at doing? It was my third grade teacher who said ,”Natalie, you could be a writer if you want to. Your story is good.” I forgot about that until I had empty space from daily parenting. “
You have a great eye for decorating and seeing the photo shot.” I didn’t even know that about myself until I shared my photos. I loved moving my furniture around and I didn’t know it inspired others, as well as, made people feel so good being in my home. It is not about others saying what you should do next or getting their validation. It is about thinking what feedback has come to you. Does that feedback spark you?
Take time to do nothing if that is what you have longed for in your life.
BE. Let your day and night unfold. Over time, if you notice yourself isolating or depressed, make a plan to do something in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Little somethings. What might that be for you?
Hi everyone,
I miss my three kids. I get started with a class or book group but that doesn’t do it for me. I like mothering. Do you think it is crazy to be a Foster Parent?
My family thinks I need to give myself more time for just me. What if mothering isn’t something I want to give up? Most of my family has died. Not my children of course but they for sure are growing up and don’t need me the same way they use to need me. College and marriage for them and visiting me when they can, but I want something that makes me feel needed and lets me give what I like giving.
I honestly don’t think I am the kind of person who wants to start over with this whole re-invention talk, hobbies, travel, time for me. I mean I do like having time with me. There is a lot of time on weekends and evenings for me. I work part time and it is good but just work.
I am not a traveler. I go to see my kids or have a short get away, but I don’t pine for that experience. I am a home person.
I thought of volunteering in a pediatric ward but that could get depressing or working in a shelter but I want to mother again in my home. I probably shouldn’t be talking about this since no one really gets it and thinks I just don’t want to move on and get a life. I have my life.
I do feel judged by others. I am learning not to let it affect me.
Have any of you thought about mothering in new ways?
Thanks,
Janice
Let them figure it out.
Los Angeles, CA.
www.emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Featured in Time Magazine, Lifetime Radio for Women, N. Y. Times, USA Today, Associated Press and more.
– Call for a private telephone conversation
– Support group
– Speaking engagement
– Workshop
I chose this photo as an exercise for being in the moment. When you are in
the moment and open , more choices and creative ideas come to you, as well
as quieting the voices in your head and calming your racing heart. Stress is
normal. Chaos and anxiety arrive. What can help you?
Open the photo. Spend a few minutes with paper and pencil and write words
answering:
I SEE…….. lines, points, touching, darkness, shades, greens, stems,
openings, movement.
Look again at the photo and write again. I SEE.. mystery, life, praying,
white drops.
The point of this five minute practice is to let yourself see what you see
in this moment. Engage your mind in creativity which lifts your spirit and
can spark an idea or solution.
After you write. Look at the photo and then close your eyes. Notice where
tension is and isn’t in your body. What thoughts pass by?
The more you practice being present, the easier it is to shift yourself when
chaos, anxiety, betrayal, and disappointment land in your day. You aren’t
speeding forward with thoughts and you aren’t falling back to your past.
Have fun with this five minute pause in your day.
You are welcome to email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles, CA. 818-763-0188
Support Groups, Speaking Engagements, Private Consultations. Featured in
TIME MAGAZINE, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, N.Y. TIMES, ASSOCIATED PRESS and more www.emptynestsupport.com
You didn’t warn me
You hyped me up
You disappeared.
If you cared, you’d remember, signals save.
You didn’t warn me.
Fallen
Stepped
Faded
Spring cleaning triggers a part of you that wants to toss the old, clear out your space, and then pick a new, to decorate and bring in beauty. Beauty feeds your peace and your creativity. A plant, like rosemary, chamomile, or basil in your home can calm you. We forget to take in the scents of life. I have an herb plant in every room and at my door step. Five dollars to buy or pennies to plant by seed.
Did you know nature has a fantastic display of colors to spark your ideas for paint colors and decorating?
Take photos of what you are attracted to in your yard or on a hike. Print them. Tape them up and notice what colors keep getting your attention. Take that color to your paint store and they will match it for you.
As you are metaphorically decorating your life with choices of what’s next for you, walk in nature. Stop. Day dream. Quiet your mind. Is what you have given to others, what you wish would be given to you? Have you put that want in your re-evaluation of your life?
Nature will hold your tears and your dreams.
I carry a small notepad and golfers pencil, even though I don’t golf, in my pocket when I go for a walk. Sometimes I don’t want to think or have words, so I don’t write. I simply want to see what I see and really see it. Other times, I pause and write a word or whatever enters my mind. Frustrating part, is when I get home, I can’t read what I wrote. I guess I need to slow down my writing.
Did you use to go camping? Bring those places, smells, colors back to you.
Maybe go camping again, even in your backyard.
Did I tell you the story of taking just my daughter and myself camping to we could sleep under the stars and cook outside? Well, long story short, the bees were such a pain that we ended up eating the BBQ food in my car. The tent, we struggled getting up and three navy guys, who were also camping, came to our rescue and gave us cool lights to crack open for fun and in an emergency. Not exactly how I thought we would be enjoying nature but it’s a laugh we keep giggling when we get reminded about camping.
Spring new colors for your eyes to breathe in this season.
Happy Spring,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
www.emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles
818-763-0188
Featured in Time Magazine, N. Y. Times, Chicago Tribune, Lifetime Radio for Women, Better Homes and Gardens, and more
,
When my nest emptied and the tears stopped occupying my thoughts, I started taking photos. I had no idea how much I would love grabbing a camera, especially at sunrise, walking out the door to my yard or neighborhood, and teaching myself about photography.
Two years ago, I finally stopped using my throw away camera and bought a digital.
Now I am capturing SHADOWS. Who hasn’t done some psychological work on their shadow side whether they wanted to or not? But now, through photography, I see the mystery and beauty of shadows.
Other people told me when their time freed, they took watercolor classes, painting, scrapbooking, jewelry making, knitting, singing classes, piano, baking classes, cello, guitar, assemblage art, writing poetry, memoir, fiction, and mystery, gardening, decorating and wood work with drills.
Well, I am sure you can add to the list.
Art is healing and a surprise. You think you have the idea and that idea feeds another. When you are out and about, suddenly you see things differently because you shifted your creativity. Your eyes are drawn to different details and responses.
Jasmine told me she pressed big leaves and flower petals. She wasn’t sure what she would do with them, but she liked looking for the plants and pressing them in her yellow pages book. For her too, it was the element of surprise that she loved. Seeing them change in the book and then lifting them onto paper or glass or canvas.
Remember when you were bored going on museum trips as a young child? No touching. Stay in line. Hold someone’s hand. Well, maybe you were one of the ones who loved the museum. As adults, more of you visit museums now and secretly dream of opening a gallery, volunteering as a docent, being an artist with opening night, taking your journal and pencil sketching what you see, or fantasizing about meeting the love of your life as you fake some dialogue about ART just to keep the connection going.
Give yourself quiet time and ask yourself:
1. What do you think your inner artist would love for you to have fun bringing forth?
2. Do you have someone to support you in finding that dormant part?
3. What did you love doing as a child?
4. Who do you wish you could have a conversation with about the artist within in them?
As I have shared before, when my house got silent and I started building my website, I actually remembered my third grade teacher saying to me, “You could be a writer when you grow up. This story is really good, Natalie.” I still see her sitting at the brown desk and my standing beside her when she passed me my story with a big red “A” written on the cover. I was in third grade. Someone in your memory bank could remind you what might be fun for you that you had to put on the shelf until you had more freedom.
I love writing because I never know where I will be taken. You can see surprises are fun for me and I love surprising others.
Just begin something small this week and see where it takes you.
Share with us what you discover or email, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Have fun,
Natalie
Los Angeles
818-763-0188
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org