Changes stop us whether for a good change or challenging. Some parents I speak with say they RISE UP no matter what and then collapse. The collapse shows itself in anxiety, fatigue, isolation, and depression. They wish they had a way to prepare so they wouldn’t hurt or feel off from who they usually are. I can relate.
I think a sure preparation is to plan for inward time… refreshing time.
You can’t prevent feeling what you will feel. You sometimes get a heads up that a challenge is heading your way, like loss, but feelings are still going to pour out of you. This photo is from an early morning drive I took to the beach. I needed to refresh. The bird just reminded me that we do move on. The sound of the waves were so loud at first , shocking, like a sudden change, and then I fell into it.
Do you make time to curl in after being on a go go go schedule or care-taking or loss? Do you feel like you can’t stop the train from running down the tracks until brakes screech?
Jen called to talk about her tears that Spring Break is over. She loved being back in the daily mother role and dreaded started over again separate from her son and her role. Transitions are wobbly. You feel this vibrancy at home and connection. Then silence… a void.
You know you will move on , you just wish it would get easier each time
Sometimes that doesn’t happen. The worst is when you had a bad night sleep.
Over and over parents and boomers share what helps them is to slow down when they have RISEN UP and to have a plan of something comforting and uplifting.
I feel better when I get quiet and into nature. Nature holds me.
I hope you find comfort when transitioning.
Share how you moved on or through the collapse. You can email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com or post a comment here. We are building a community of ongoing support.
Take care,
Natalie
I thought I was done posting my Spring Jasmine, but I just can’t help myself. Beauty wins.
It reminds me of times I thought I was done telling my daughter or husband that I wasn’t going to clean the dishes after dinner. Your turn. I cook.
You clean up. You cook. I clean.
Actually, I don’t follow rules all the time unless they serve me. Can you relate? Sure, there are times I cook and do dishes. Mostly I want the family to be considerate and pitch in without my holding up the TO DO SIGN.
That isn’t an issue anymore since she doesn’t live at home, being a college graduate.
A mom called telling me she thought she was over Spring Break without her children coming home. She wept. It wasn’t really about Spring Break. It was about the break in the relationship. Break from being the everyday mom that she loved. She missed the little things like hearing them talk on the phone, drop their back packs in the kitchen and dive into the refrigerator as she asked about their day. Now she sees them only twice a year. Distance, scheduling, and finances changed the traditions of family time.
A Boomer mom, who doesn’t have an empty nest, but does have a senior in high school, thought she was done nagging him because she knows it doesn’t teach him or give the results she is hoping for. She shared she has said, SORRY, more this year than any time in her life. She fears how she will be when he leaves for college. Will she promise not to hover and then show up at his dorm unannounced because she just couldn’t help herself? We had a good laugh after the tears.
Maybe you thought you wouldn’t RESCUE them financially, but still put money in their account.
Maybe you were going to stop the OBSESSION about not knowing what is next for you but are still hammering in your head to get THE ANSWER NOW.
Maybe you said you were going to take better care of yourself by saying NO but that YES just slipped out.
Maybe you thought you were in the swing of being an empty nester and they MOVED BACK home.
What did you think you were done with and aren’t at times?
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
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My surprise is this photo. Jasmine are invisible outside my window until they burst like a wedding bouquet.
I have been celebrating warm days, dahlias, and peaks of vegetable seeds coming up green that I started in my garage. I love the surprise of looking at them daily, like newborns…well not exactly like that, but I do talk to them.
I love the calls from happy and tearful parents saying, “He got in. She got her first choice college. We were so surprised she got a scholarship.”
What surprise have you had this year? What surprise would you like to have?
Emily called to tell me her daughter is getting married in August and she loves her new son in law. They are having a destination wedding in Napa. She was shocked.
My neighbors called to say they are moving to New Orleans. What a surprise.
They had been brainstorming how to make that happen with their two young children and now they are leaving by summer.
Jeannie got engaged and she thought that would never happen since she is in her fifties and not real social.
Are you getting inspired to make a list of what happy surprise you would like this year?
I would like to travel. I just love everything about it, including the airports, different languages, seeing how little I can pack and carry, the foods, the architecture, the schools, the gardens, the wines, the music, taking photos, and the way they live their lives. I get inspired and creative.
So tell us what is on your surprise list?
Happy Spring,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
I am Katherine, a mom, empty nester, and woman of the age of being a boomer. I partner and work. I have been looking at how to change myself. Parts of me I admire and parts just need to leave.
A mistake I made and don’t really feel badly about, is that I waited too long to start a creative project for a new business and then lost interest. I waited over a year because I kept getting critical of myself. I wore myself out.
In a nutshell, I wait to make plans, to go on interviews, to have fun. I don’t want to wait anymore. I realized this is how I act so I decided to ask for help.
I am not waiting anymore. Sometimes I get red in the face because I am nervous or embarrassed but that is ok. Sometimes I don’t want to drive alone or come back in the dark, but I do. Sometimes my partner and I don’t want to do the same thing, so we don’t.
In the beginning of empty nest, I waited to see if my kids wanted to have dinner or see a movie when they came home for a weekend. Oh boy was that disappointing. I don’t expect that anymore and yet they usually have some meal with me because they want to, not have to.
I am just not sweating the small stuff like I did. I won’t remember that drama when I am seventy so I plan to pick a life that I will remember.
I didn’t have a great family growing up, but I am the grown up now. I am a good mom and good person. It sounds common to say, but for me, I am working on saying the good in life. I am good and make plans for good things in my life. Bad things will come in my window, but I am learning they aren’t for always and I can handle them without being perfect. Good enough is good enough.
I know this getting older thing and being an empty nester isn’t just happening to me. That helps me get unstuck. I lost a community and had to start over. One friend is good enough.
Thank you for allowing me this safe place to express.
Katherine
Can you find the four leaf clover in the photo?
Would you feel lucky if you did?
When I asked about luck on telephone consults, these were some of the responses:
1. I don’t believe in accidents. Everything happens for a reason.
2. I don’t believe in luck. I have to make it.
3. I for sure believe in luck. I was at the right place at the right time and met the love of my life. We were in line at a movie.
4. I believe in luck because I thought I could never have kids. I have two.
5. Luck happens. It can happen to anyone who thinks about it and then knows they are lucky.
6. Luck, well l think I am lucky because I am optimistic in life. Always have been. That is lucky for me.
7. Luck, I celebrate every lucky thing that happens. So more keep coming around. Last night I found my lost dog.
Do you believe in luck? When have you felt lucky?
Leave a comment or write me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Happy Corned Beef and Cabbage, Sweetened with Green Iced Shortbread, Natalie
It is Spring Break .Some parents are vacationing with their children. That is not true for me.
I am trying to stop the chatter in my head that keeps me indoors rather than out during these peaks of Spring.
Here is some of my inner clatter:
It looks too windy. I need to finish my article. I will go for a hike later in the day. I’m too tired.
I told myself that this week I would get back to doing exercise five days. Basically, I was driving myself crazy with writing exercise on my to-do list everyday and then talking myself out of it.
That behavior of writing down exercise everyday and not doing it, is EXACTLY what I got sick of doing. I finely said, no more thinking about why I should or shouldn’t go on a hike today. Shut up and get out the door. Grab the opening time now. Go.
These two photos are part of the beauty I saw on my hike. I chattered about not carrying my camera as well, and again, said, “Shut up and take it. You love nature photos. Do it.” I got about twenty Spring beauties which I will share later in a blog.
I was tired stepping out the door. I was happy and energized stepping back into my office. One insight I had about OVER THINKING, is that when I have been PUSHING MYSELF at work to meet deadlines and respond to all emails or in RELATIONSHIPS by practicing new behavior, for example, letting differences go, I don’t want to push myself to exercise. I want to pamper myself. Get nurtured.
Why do you over think? What are you spinning in your head right now? What quiets the chatter? Leave a comment.
PS. I wish I were on Spring Break with my daughter. She is working. I am working. We are not in the same city. Thank goodness we have a plan to hike together and be in SPRING. I hope it happens.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
I asked this question in a group and many said, “When my children got into college, married, loved their job out of college, had grandchildren, moved close to them, vacationed without their children, got healthy, downsized, made a career change, finally learned how to grow organic vegetables, took up ceramics, wrote their book, were featured in an art gallery, joined a church choir, taught art classes, made healthy lunches for teachers, read to neighbors, healed from supposedly terminal breast cancer, learned to focus back on themselves and not be a pleaser, yoga, meditation, walks every day, and not jumping every time their children needed something. I am sure you could add to this short list.
Yes, parents and boomers talked about their dream travels that came true and that some re-married or chose to live with a new partner. I don’t have the secret to what makes dreams come true. Do you? I do know that I am for sure a hopeful person. I think that feeds my dreams. I am persistent and curious. I have learned to let go when a window won’t open.
What dreams came true for you? When times are challenging you can pull up those memories. Pull them up even when you are happy. Some experts say happiness is making the choice every day to be and do what makes you happy.
I was looking at my photos on line. Chatting with Rick Bayless, who is an award winning chef-restaurateur and television personality, walking in a vegetable garden with him, and having him autograph menus from his restaurant that I saved for seven years, was a dream come true. We were both teaching at the world renown fitness and spa retreat called Rancho La Puerta, which sits on 3000 acres outside San Diego, Ca in Mexico.
I was excited and nervous. I had never been there. Going to this resort was also on my dream list and to top it off, to participate in a cooking class and sit and chat with Rick Bayless, a chef whose recipes I often cooked, made me leap with how great life can be. Even a good change like actually having a dream come true, can be challenging. It takes us out of our comfort zone and shakes us up.
That was last October. Happily, I will be teaching there again the end of July for a week. You can see the blurb and read who else will be presenting that week at my website under Events, www.emptynestsupport.com. You might want to start a piggy bank and save to go to Rancho La Puerta Resort and Spa. I met people I still am in contact with and immersed myself in nature, health, and fun.
So, what dreams have come true for you and what is on your future dream list? What do you think helps a dream come true? Share with us so we can support you and pass the inspiration on for others to keep dreams alive.
Take good care.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Featured in Time Magazine, USA Today, Lifetime Radio for Women, N. Y. Times, L. A. Times, Better Homes and Gardens, Associated Press, and more
A father called excited about his daughter coming home for Spring Break.
She has been shivering in snow and boring meals. He is ready to connect and treat her well. They are driving to warmer climates and relaxation, just the two of them.
Empty Nesters have called asking for tips during the Spring Break re-unite gathering:
1. Have fun being in the same place together. Smile. It sounds obvious but old habits can bring banging doors and screaming tantrums.
2. Remind yourself that your role as parents has shifted. You have made changes to your life with them gone and they have had no authority to monitor their behavior or schedule.
3. Say yes more than no. Power struggles are normal. How do you want to handle them? Think ahead about what punches your buttons.
4. Stay flexible with plans and needs. Say what you want. Negotiate and then let it go. Walk on….
5. You are still a role model so check in with yourself to see how you are doing and what you are portraying to your children.
You don’t need to overdo. You do need to feel good about yourself.
A mom told me she has to rearrange her daughter’s room since she has been using it for crafts and reading. She laughed at remembering how the first month of empty nest she didn’t even want to open the door to her daughter’s room. She cried too much. Now she still can come to tears but she is finding her new way of life without watching the clock to pick up her daughter at school or go to a weekend track event.
Spring is showing itself. What are you planning for yourself?
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles, CA
Private consultations
Support groups
Speaking engagements
Workshops
I remember a woman once said to me,”If you don’t feel nervous , you aren’t really becoming more of who you might be.”
Well, for now, I choose not to be judged on a Red Carpet for how I look or act and yet if I were nominated to walk the Red Carpet,
I would work on accepting my appearance, get expert advice from people I trust, and fluff off critic opinions.
Actually, the Red Carpet and I, even though I live in Los Angeles, are not going to be partnering. I love watching the Oscars. It use to be a tradition with my daughter before she went off to college and then built her own life of Oscar and friends. We had her friends and ours at my home for a fantasy party and a bet of who do you think will win. Great memory.
I read the stars are going vintage on the Red Carpet this year. Will they look like those photos I posted?
Do you remember a time you went way out of your comfort zone and still had a good time?
Single mothers and dads have shared with me that they feel uncomfortable going solo to parties .
They see couples hand in hand or chatting away and there they are, standing, looking around or chatting with strangers, briefly.
We can understand how our children feel trying something new. When they were little, they tantrumed about having to go somewhere new and we still made them go.
Sometimes, don’t you think you need a push out the door and a quiet button to push when your head chatters about not going due to awkwardness, fear,
nothing to wear, bad weather, too far to drive or too tired?
So remind yourselves of the times you stopped the chatter, got out the door,and had a great time? No matter what age we are, fear is real and trying something new is awkward.
Are you going to watch the Oscars and who is your vote for best……..?
Natalie
Spring is slowly showing herself. Parents have been sharing with me what they look forward to doing for fun. Most feel embarrassed to say it out loud, “I don’t really know what I like doing that is simply for fun. I am such a worker bee, and doer.” Can you relate?
Work is fun so that means shifting your perception about fun. Getting up and out the door to DO is fun. If the activity enlivens you, it is fun. If you look forward to it, that’s fun.
Sitting at a caf
This is one of my favorite dusk photos I shot. Now that I have more free time, I grab my digital and step outside, sometimes in a robe, just to catch a surprise.
I hope each of you finds something that lifts you and excites you to step out.
Send me your ideas or photos of your creativity. Share on our free message board, story of the month and blogs.
We are building a lifetime community and explorations that includes the softest Kleenex when needed and the giggles of a surprise.
It isn’t easy beginning again, so why do it alone. Often I need to remind myself that this is how it is for today and hopefully not for always. Share your story with someone. Talking heals. Listening heals.
When your kids disappoint by not calling back or even calling to just say hi, I am sorry to say, there is nothing you can do about that. Sure you ask and that is a good thing, but you can’t make them follow through when they leave home…no more time out corners.
Everyone has a favorite food, take a photo of that when you cook and email it to family and friends. Creativity lifts your energy and just might light a new idea. What has been lifting you lately?
Take good care,
Natalie
The photo is outside my office window. In the winter it looks like dead leaves . Suddenly, this red closed bud, appears in a vine, spreading. Soon it will open to white fragrant jasmine. Spring is near. A new beginning, again.
So how can you open to something new for yourself?
1. Step SMALL, no leaps. Give yourself permission to change your mind.
2. Remind yourself the role you played as a parent, shifts. Get a reality check on your EXPECTATIONS.
3. What did you enjoy doing before children? Did you like to be OUTSIDE or in? QUIET or moving?
4. How can you make PEACE with the situation you are in today? What do you need today?
5. What kind of decision maker are you? Do you ponder, leap, collaborate the idea, spin like a hamster on a wheel?
6. Write how you would describe yourself to someone who was interviewing you. Read it out loud to just yourself. Any thoughts come up for you?
7. When you are hopeful and nothing seems to be shifting, you might need to do nothing, ask a friend who believes in you to chat with you, or plan one nurturing thing for yourself. What is it that nurtures you? If you can’t think of anything, rearrange a part of your home. Move things around.
No one wants to go through changes alone. Get support. An empty nest mother and I chatted on the telephone. Her small new step was going to be to order coffee at her local caf
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org